A/n: MY LONGEST CHAPTER YET!! woooot woooot!! hehe
Disclaimer: Nothing;s mine so dont sue!!
Chapter Eight: Truth Be Told
Harry must have reread that letter at least fifty times, memorizing Snape's words, letting them penetrate his very soul. He knew it wasn't a joke simply because it all became so obvious at that moment; his behavior was now somewhat justifiable. But the hatred still lingered, and probably would until he had the proof Severus spoke of.
Did he mean that he had no choice but to kill Dumbledore? What was he implying? Should he, Harry, contact McGonagall right away and plead with her to tell him what was going on? He knew Dumbledore would have wanted him to sit tight and be a good boy until Bill and Fleur's wedding, which had been the plan, but how could he with this letter now in his hands?
He grabbed a clean sheet of parchment, dipped his quill in his last jar of ink, and then realized he did not know how to respond to Snape's heartfelt message. He knew now, without a doubt, that he felt something towards his ex-Professor as well. Some hatred, maybe, but also respect, possibly even love? It was crazy to think, and even crazier to pen, but Harry Potter was in love with his most hated Potions Master. He wasn't ready to admit it yet, though, not even to himself, because he was still afraid that maybe he was being punk'd; that the camera men were about to come out from behind his closet door and laugh at him.
Despite his misgivings, however, Harry found himself writing.
I didn't know how to begin this letter. "Dear Sir"? "Snape-"? Every introduction seemed wrong, so I decided to skip the formalities and get straight to the point. I need to see you. I cannot talk about this, about us, now. There are more important things happening here than you and me, I'm afraid. So much has happened, so much more needs to happen, in order for me to even begin to think about what happened between us. I know it may seem stupid, but I cannot love you because I hate you. And the problem is that I want to do both. Love you and hate you. Until I have proof of your honesty and your goodness, however, I remain indifferent.
You did this to yourself. I'm Sorry.
HP
Harry knew it was a cruel thing to do, breaking someone's heart like that. But how could he be sure that Severus was being honest, anyway? And even if he was, how could he just drop a bombshell like that and expect everything to be ok?
After sending Hedwig back off into the night, Harry paced his room impatiently, once again hoping for a miraculous rescue from the Dursleys. He had only three days until the wedding, but after tonight he felt as if he couldn't even wait one minute longer.
He furiously began mumbling to himself as he threw his belongings into his school trunk. He had so much on his mind right now; was he going to go back to Hogwarts? How was he going to find the remaining Horcruxes? To kill or be killed, that was the question.
At around three o'clock, Harry finally collapsed on his bed, falling into a fitful sleep. He tossed and turned for most of the night, and when he finally awoke at eight to Uncle Vernon's purple face yelling at him to get his lazy arse out of bed, he felt as if he hadn't slept at all.
He pulled on his only good fitting pair of jeans and a white t-shirt that he knew was a bit tight and headed down to the kitchen.After making breakfast and hastily gobbling it down, Harry set off down Privet Drive with the parting words of "I'm going for a walk. Don't wait up." He didn't even wait to hear Aunt Petunia's response.
His legs carried him almost automatically to his favorite haunt, the park on Magnolia Crescent.
He sat on the last remaining swing and stared aimlessly at the street, at the mother's and their baby carriages, the happy young men and woman who walked together hand in hand, enjoying the warm summer breeze wafting through the air.
There was a point when Harry would stare longingly at these people, wishing he could have their carefree happiness, wishing he could enjoy at least one summer of his life without worrying about the fate of loved ones, without looking over his shoulder and expecting death to be ready and waiting to pounce.
At this morbid thought, of course, Harry glanced over his shoulder. What he saw made his fall of his swing.
"What are you doing here?!" Harry whipped his wand out of his pocket, not caring about the Muggles that were all around him, not caring that it was broad daylight, focused only on the man standing under the shade of a large oak tree ten feet away from him.
"Are you mad?" the man stage-whispered, "Put it away! I assure you I will not attack you, Harry."
"How dare you call me Harry, like you know me! How dare you come here, telling me what to do! I will not put my wand away and if you don't start explaining soon, I am going to curse you into next Tuesday." Harry took a step towards the man, his heard thumping painfully in his chest.
"Harry," the man sighed, coming out of the shadows, "Harry, please, calm down. I only-"
"Save your breath, Snape. I don't give a damn." Without thinking, Harry ran towards him, and began punching every piece of him that he could reach.
"YOU KILLED HIM!" he cried, not even noticing the tears coursing down both of their cheeks, "YOU FUCKING MURDERER!! I trusted you. I trusted you and this is what you do with that trust? YOU MOTHER FUCKING BASTARD! I HATE YOU!" Harry now had him backed against the oak tree, blocking them from the view of any curious onlookers on the street. Suddenly, he stopped punching him, just stood there, holding onto his cloak, sobbing.
"I trusted you…"
The now bleeding Severus tilted Harry's chin up, forcing him to look him in the eye.
"Harry. Stop." He held his head firmly in his hands, noticing the bags under his eyes, indicating the lack of sleep that Severus knew he had caused. He swiped his thumbs across Harry's tear-stained cheeks and smoothed his hair back softly.
"Severus…" Harry tried to pry away his hands from his face, but he found he liked them there, comforting him like that.
"Harry, if you still have an ounce of trust left for me, let me explain myself. Please let me explain myself."
"How could I trust you? How can you expect me to after everything that happened? Why are you here? How do I know that you aren't lying to me? How can I be sure that there are another fifty Death Eaters here, just waiting for vulnerable little me to get weak enough? How do I know you won't try to kill me too?"
Severus's face fell, his shoulders sagging with the invisible weight of guilt. His guard was down again, and it almost broke Harry's heart. But he told himself he must stay strong, he had to get to the bottom of all of this. "Harry… Harry, I need you to trust me if even just this one last time."
"What are you going to do?" Harry whispered, fighting the overwhelming urge to kiss him, and at the same time gouge his eyes out. Sweet Merlin he needed help.
"I am going to Apparate us to my house, where I will show you the proof I spoke of in my letter. Did you- erm- did you receive this letter?" Severus's stomach churned with nervousness; he had poured his heart out in that letter, something he had only done once before, ironically to Dumbledore, the man who was now dead at his hands. 'Breathe, Severus', he kept reminding himself, 'you know you had no choice.'
Harry nodded, "I got it last night. Well, this morning. You did not get my response?"
"I-I-you? Oh," Severus stammered. He cleared his throat. "No, I didn't get it. I've been waiting here all morning, for you."
"Oh," Harry said, and they just stood there in an awkward silence, Severus's hands on Harry's face, Harry's hands covering his, staring at each other. "If this is a trick, I swear to god I will kill you, Severus Snape."
Severus sighed with relief. "I swear on my life that this is no trick, Harry." And with a pop, they disapparated.
When the feeling of being compressed in a tube finally went away, Harry opened his eyes and looked at his surroundings, quickly asserted that there were no evil Dark Lords or Death Eaters around, and sighed with relief.
He was obviously in some sort of sitting room, if the cream colored walls, black leather couches and shiny glass coffee tables were any indication. The room looked cozy and comfortable, and off to the right was a kitchen with two isles lined with black bar stools, a small round table with one wicker chair, and a tall white refrigerator-freezer that stood against one wall. Against the opposite wall there was an oven and a dishwasher, which surprised Harry as those were very Muggle appliances.
"Like it?" Snape said, and Harry jumped. He had almost forgotten who he was here with.
"Yeah," Harry said, avoiding eye contact, "it's really nice. Where are we?"
"Actually, we're in the countryside on the outskirts of Hogsmeade. I like to come here occasionally because it's quiet and peaceful and close to the school. I have another house, but that's exclusively my Death Eater home, if you will, and no one knows about this place except-" he stopped talking abruptly and sat down on one of the couches.
"I'm sorry, Harry, I just- I can't even say his name without, well, bursting into tears." He laughed shortly, and ran his hands through his unruly black hair.
"Well, you did kill him, I would think it's rather hard to talk about him with the guilt and all, you know?" Harry spat sarcastically, turning his back on Snape. "So I guess it's just me who knows about this place now? Aside from you, I mean."
"Yes," Snape said, sounding sad and broken.
"Right." This was starting to get a bit awkward, Harry thought. "So…"
Snape stood up and began pacing his living room, his hands fidgety with nerves. He paused for a moment, thinking carefully about something, and then said, "Harry. I'm going to need you to administer Veritaserum, so you can be assured that what I am about to tell you is truthful."
"Ok," Harry nodded, agreeing that this was a good idea, "But I don't have any on me."
Snape chuckled, "Of course not, Harry, here." Harry followed him into the kitchen. He opened a cabinet near the fridge and took out a small vile of dark liquid.
"How do I know that this is really Veritaserum?" Harry asked doubtfully, taking the vile from Severus's shaking hand.
"Do you not remember anything I taught you, Harry?" Severus said.
"I… Oh!" Harry nodded, suddenly remembering, "Specialis Revialo!" he said, pointing his wand at the bottle. Suddenly, a label appeared on the outside, and an invisible hand began writing out "V-E-R-I-T-A-S-E-R-U-M".
"Cool," Harry said, "How much do you need to take?"
"A few drops should do it," Severus said, and Harry uncorked the vile. He tipped some of the potion into Severus's mouth, shuddering at the unintentionally erotic way his tongue licked at the droplets that escaped down his chin. 'Fuck,' Harry reprimanded himself, 'get a grip.'
Severus stroked his chin, corked the potion and placed it back on its cabinet shelf. They headed back into the living room. Harry sat down and asked, "Why did you kill Albus Dumbledore? Tell me the whole story, everything, except the things I know."
Severus immediately began pacing again. "Harry," he began, "listen to me. What happened that night… it isn't what you think! I didn't- I didn't have a choice. I made an Unbreakable Vow, Harry. Do you know what that means? I made an Unbreakable Vow to Narcissa Malfoy that I would protect her son; she made me swear that I would complete Draco's mission if he was unable to carry it out. You see, Harry, the Dark Lord was trying to get even with Lucius for screwing up his last attempt to get a hold of the Prophecy. In retaliation for thwarting his attempts and landing himself in jail, you-know-who set Draco a task he was positive he could not complete, knowing that he would kill him in punishment, both for his failure and his father's.
"Draco's mission was to kill Albus Dumbledore. Knowing the situation I was in , the compromise to my position as a spy, I made the vow. At the time, with Bellatrix Lestrange watching my every move, just waiting to prove me a traitor, I did not even think of saying no. I made the vow, praying to any gods listening that I would not have to fulfill it.
"I went to Dumbledore almost immediately, last summer, and found him injured. He had been hit with some nasty curses when his tried to get that ring…"
Here Harry interrupted him. "How do you know about that ring?" he asked.
"You forget what my real relationship with Albus was like, Harry. He trusted me with everything, including his life." Severus held up a hand to stop Harry from interrupting again and continued.
"I told Albus about the vow, and naturally he was upset. We both wondered why the Dark Lord didn't tell me of his plan before Narcissa found out, but it is of no importance now. Albus said that I was to carry out the terms of the vow, and get as much information out of Draco as possible. Obviously he would attempt to have backup when he tried to carry it out… But anyway, we both know what happened so it is useless to spend time on it.
"After a while, I got tired of chasing Draco around trying to get him to tell me what I already knew he was planning to do. I approached the Headmaster and pleaded with him to find another way. I told him I had no desire to kill him, and if I did I might as well kill myself because I would not be able to live with the guilt. He-he told me I had to. 'What if I don't want to do it anymore?' I said. 'What if I'm tired of being a double-agent?' 'I know you are,' he said, 'We're all tired of this. But I trust you, Severus,' he said, 'I know that you will not let me down…'" Severus's voice cracked, and he began to cry.
"I didn't want to do it, Harry, believe me, but it was the only way! Albus knew his time was running short besides, and if it had to be done, he wanted me to do it."
Harry suddenly flashed back to that night, when Snape had come up to the Astronomy Tower. Dumbledore had whispered his name pleadingly, begging. Severus…
Only now did Harry realize that he had not been pleading for his life, but for his death. Kill me, Severus, before it's too late…
Severus's sobbing form collapsed on the floor, moaning in emotional pain and sadness. Harry slid off the coach, patting him awkwardly on the back, trying to get him to continue.
"Whose side are you truly on, Severus?" Harry asked softly. His heart stopped beating, waiting for the answer.
"Yours."
Long after the Veritaserum had worn off, they sat in Severus's kitchen on the bar stools, drinking cup after steaming cup of tea, trying to ignore the fact that they both blushed every time there hands or knees touched. They talked about Severus's guilt over the murder he was forced to commit, about how the world would now see him as a killer, a traitor, an evil man.
Severus asked Harry to present the memory of his confession to whoever was willing to see it at the upcoming wedding. He said that Minerva McGonagall was the only other living soul who knew the truth, because Albus had explained the situation to her before his death.
Harry promised to do this, and they sat in companionable silence, lost in their own thoughts. Suddenly, there was a tap on the window, causing them both to jump in fright. If anyone saw them here like this… But it was just Hedwig, delivering the letter that Harry had sent what seemed like forever ago.
Severus arched his eyebrow in surprise as Harry sent Hedwig off, ripping the letter into little pieces and tossing them out the open window into the summer wind.
"What did you do that for?" he asked, "I was looking forward to reading that!"
"It's not important now," Harry explained, "I didn't know what I was saying when I wrote it. I didn't know the truth."
"Oh," Severus said, staring into his cup once again.
Harry pulled his arm to make him stand up, and they stood facing each other in Severus's kitchen.
"Severus," Harry began.
"Don't," the man cut him off, "don't say a word. I know you cannot possibly feel anything but hatred toward me, anything but loathing… I don't know what possessed me to write that letter, it was stupid and inconsiderate and I-"
"Oh, shut up," Harry said, and planted his lips firmly on Severus's.
The kiss deepened, filling passion into the gaps of their relationship, saying everything that neither of them could say, pouring their emotion into each other, breathing new life into their souls.
Harry wrapped his arms around Severus, touching every part of him he could reach, as Severus pressed their bodies together, pushing him up against the table.
"Harry…" Severus murmured into the kiss, "Harry, what are you doing to me…"
Harry pulled away, realizing somewhere in the back of his mind that they were both crying, again. "Severus, I don't know what to say. On the one hand, all I want is you, here, now, like this. But on the other hand, I'm just getting used to the idea that you are innocent, after spending a whole month locked up in my room, hating you. Damn it, Severus. I love you. I love you and I hate you. What are you doing to me?"
Severus loving moved his hand over Harry's face, brushing away tears for the second time that day. "I know, Harry. I don't know when I first figured it out, but I've known for a while now how I feel about you. I knew that night on the Astronomy Tower, when I- when I killed him. I knew when we were sending curses at each other, when you were calling me a cowered, when I realized you had been using my old Potions book, right now when we kissed. I knew I loved you, too. I understand how confused you are right now, and I think maybe… maybe we should just give it some time?" he was suggesting it, not demanding it, and so Harry knew he could say no.
"Severus, I- " Harry swallowed, gathering his courage, "I don't want to leave. Not now, and not ever. I trust you, and because of some potion either. But I promise you this. If you ever turn your back on me again, you will be dead before you can say 'sphinx' and I am not even close to kidding."
Severus grinned mischievously. "You're so sexy when you threaten me," he said, licking Harry's earlobe.
"You are such a tease," Harry groaned. He took Severus's face in his hands and kissed him again, this time slowly, almost painfully, dipping his tongue inside for a taste, pressing his hips against Severus's, moving slowly against him, creating a delicious friction.
"I want you," Severus whispered, snaking a hand up Harry's shirt to tease his nipples.
"Then take me."
OKKKKK you better REVIEW!!!!
Sorry if you were expecting to see some action ... ill reserver the shmexy sex for another chapter... IF youre good and you review!
till next time :)