I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now…

Myself. I want to be myself again. Not this wacked out, half-teenager, half 50 year old mess that son-of-a-bitch Loki left me as.

I want to be what I wanted to be the first time I was this age.

I want to be a Colonel in the United States Air Force.

Again.

I want to lead my team back through the unknown. I want to feel the thrill getting back at one of those damned Goa'ulds. I want to see the light on Daniel's face when he translates something as mundane as the diary of some hermit on PX-whatever. I want to make the NID squirm, feel my muscles ache after a near-death chase, see Teal'c raise an eyebrow, hear my name on Carter's lips.

I want to know that it wasn't all some terrifying and amazing dream.

I don't know if they realized what they were doing, sending me away to live my life over. I don't think I realized what I was doing. It's not right here. I spend my days sitting in classes that I didn't care about the first time round, wondering if my friends are at that moment, fighting a battle that could end in one of their deaths.

I dream about them. So much that I almost think I'm there, until I wake up and realize that I'm still trapped in a body that I should have almost forgotten how to use.

Granted, the use of both my knees is something I didn't think I'd get back in my lifetime, unless Thor had some amazing arthritis lazer that he was keeping for a rainy day. But being faster and more agile is nothing when I know I'm not doing anything worthwhile. After saving the planet a couple of times, nothing really seems worthwhile.

I go fishing a lot. That used to be the greatest thing in the world, back when I was me. But now it seems out of place. I can't invite Teal'c to go fishing with me and watch as he either pretends to enjoy himself or shows absolutely no expression for the entire weekend. I can't ask Carter to come with me and be amused and disappointed when she says no. I can't go by myself and dream up some crazy scheme involving me, Carter and a curious blackout that I know will never happen anyway; because it's a harsh truth that it will never happen, not the whimsical disappointment I would have felt when I was the 'real me'. I know that I will never have her, and though the 'real me' knows it too, he at least has a chance with her. He has the chance to sort something out. To retire, or transfer. I can't. I don't have that chance. And the other me doesn't even realize it. I can't be with her. It just isn't possible. He, on the other hand, just won't be with her. He doesn't know what he's missing. And chances are, neither of us ever will.

That's the worst part of being what I am. My friends aren't mine. They are the other Jack's. It's almost like something that could have burst from the Quantum Mirror. I'm the Alternate Jack that everybody knows but is really of no consequence, whatsoever. I'm like that other Sam was, trying to find her place, when she knew she didn't really belong there.

At least she had somewhere to go back to.

I have nothing to go back to. Only the chance that when I graduate from high school, I can enlist in the Air force and somehow get back to the SGC. Like that could actually happen. Even if it did, it wouldn't be the same. They wouldn't be there. The Goa'uld might be gone by then. Or they might have enslaved the whole galaxy. Who knows. Teal'c might be back with the Jaffa, Daniel might be living with another ancient civilization offworld and Carter might be married with kids.

And I wouldn't have even turned thirty.

To be a kid again? Not nearly all it's cracked up to be.

But to be me again? I could definitely live with that. Old knees and all.

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