As I came back to the motel I decided not to go back to my room, it was dark already and the others may be playing some sort of perverted game in my room again. So, I decided it best to stay away until all the lights dimmed, not wanting to be faced with their pity in my current state. Instead I sat upon the rooftop, watching the full moon and searching the sky for Orion, my favorite constellation, I knew not what it meant, all I knew was that it held special meaning for me. And I found it swiftly, my lovely Orion, always comforting no matter what. I sighed, needing to be held, not caring by who at this point, simply needing the warmth of another body to shield me from my own coldness. My emptiness was frightening, I had lost count of how many times I had felt this empty since I had come to this world, losing that medication which had given me artificial comfort, I felt the need to sleep. Simply lose myself to dreams of my world where I could be with my love and worry about nothing, where I could be together with him for all of eternity.
As I imagined him holding me lovingly I could almost feel his powerful arms engulf me, his warm body against my back, his soothing breath on the back of my neck. I almost heard his voice say my name, and then I opened my eyes and realized┘ ⌠Lee! What the hell are you doing out here?! And why in the fucking hell are you touching me?!■ I yelled, shoving him off the roof of the high building. He fell onto the ground with a heavy thud, but made his way back up to me with a quick and easy jump, and I silently cursed him for not staying facedown in the dirt. ⌠What do you want?■ I asked gruffly, holding my knees to my chest and laying my chin atop them softly.
⌠I saw you climb past the window, you were crying so I thought I▓d see if you were alright.■ he said kindly, he really was a warm and honest soul, though if anyone had seen him leave I knew I would next be hearing Naruto▓s voice. Not a bothersome thing at all, really, just I had no desire to listen to anyone right now.
⌠Did you?■ I asked softly, sort of sarcastically, I did adore Lee, but I would have rather been alone at the moment. Left to cry in peace. For now though, I would have to hold back my tears, giving myself a headache.
⌠I▓m sorry, Tsukasa-chan, I should have let you alone┘but I cannot very well leave now that I am involved. Forgive me?■ Lee asked kindly, offering me a hand of support and apology. I took it and in that instant he pulled me close to him, patting my hair softly as I proceeded to pour all of my tears out right onto his shirt.
I suppose I had been crying for a good 15-20 minutes before I finally calmed down, I knew I could cry in front of Lee because he would keep it a secret. He would also let me simply cry, he would not attempt to fix me or help me, I was allowed to cry into his chest, a comfort I had never felt before. A shoulder to cry on, I guess┘
Now that my eyes were mostly dry and I was no longer leaning upon his chest, Lee decided that it was safe for him to speak. ⌠Should I leave? Or would you rather I stayed a bit longer?■ I sniffed, wiped my eyes on last time, and nodded.
⌠You go ahead┘and go ahead and tell Sasuke he can stop hiding in the shadows.■ I smirked, as did Lee, and he departed from me as Sasuke made his presence more obvious than before. ⌠Why, may I ask, are you stalking me?■
⌠I▓m not stalking you,■ he said simply, ⌠I hadn▓t seen you all day and I was getting worried.■
⌠You? Worried about me? Hah! That▓s a laugh, tell me another one, Uke-chan.■ I said, hoping even as I joked and turned away from him that he was only kidding. I honestly did not want to have to push Sasuke away, especially since presently I was not necessarily capable of much other than sulking. I knew I would not have the stubbornness in this state which I usually had, and therefore I would loose to him easily if he decided to argue.
⌠I▓m sorry for caring about you?■ He sort of asked as he raised an eyebrow at me, I smiled. I remembered hearing something like that once, a long time ago. It had made me laugh, but it seemed like a dream now, even the sound of my own laughter had become alien in my time here in Suna┘no┘in this world┘
I froze, this was a different world, this wasn▓t real. How could I have almost forgotten? How could I have disregarded it so easily? My home, my life, my┘family┘? No┘none of those things were important, none of those things really existed. This was reality now, and I would stay here no matter what. ⌠I▓m sorry for causing world peace?■ I said randomly, closing my eyes and allowing a slight smile to show on my pouting lips.
⌠Heh, I▓m sorry for trying to help you?■ He responded, sitting beside me. He felt a little closer than I would have liked, but the joke continued. I wanted it to get funnier, I wanted it to make me laugh, I wanted to really laugh like I had not. My laughter of that very morning had even been forced, a teasing sort of thing brought on by a good mood, just like all of those other times┘
⌠I▓m sorry for curing cancer?■ I said, looking him in the eyes now, but frowning when I saw what he held inside that soft, dark gaze. I wanted to move away from him, I wanted to run, I wanted to disappear, to sink into the floor, to be anywhere but there at that moment. I knew what was coming but I blocked it out, would not allow my thoughts to continue, could not. I never wanted to hear those words from anyone, no one ever said it to me and meant it. Those words were like a promise that no one ever kept, and I hated the world for their lies.
He hesitated before his lips parted slightly and met mine in a brief flicker of affection, my eyes shot wide and I pulled away from him. Then he gazed at me warmly and whispered, ⌠I▓m sorry for loving you┘■
A small gasp escaped my lips and I was frozen for a long moment, studying his features, trying to find a hint of a lie in his face. A smirk, a twinkle in his eye, anything that I could recognize from my year of AP Psychology to tell that he was lying. I wanted too badly to know he was lying, just joking around, but when I found nothing to support me I became quickly angered and I stood up sharply. I pointed an accusing finger at him and said loudly, ⌠You! You should learn to keep your mouth shut! I swear, one day your going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person and you▓ll get yourself killed!! And you wanna know what I▓ll be doing?! Standing right there and laughing my fucking ass off!!■ He gave me a confused expression, like: ⌠what the hell is wrong with you?■ and I couldn▓t help but freak out. ⌠What the fuck do you mean ▒what the hell is wrong with me▒?!? What the hell is wrong with you?!! Telling me you love me! What kind of sick joke are you trying to pull??■
He cocked an eyebrow at me as I panted, shaking more from nerves than anger, having forgotten to breathe for about 5 minutes. He smirked at me like: ⌠she is so cute when she▓s like this.■ He looked so god damn calm it pissed me off even more and I couldn▓t help but loose it, I grabbed his shoulders and shook him violently.
⌠Respond, damn you!! Respond! I cant be angry if you don▓t say anything for me to retort to!!■ I said desperately, needing a reason to yell more, wanting to make him angry and get some fight out of him. Wanting him to make me angry so I would be able to hate him, so I would be able to turn him away.
He just continued to smile lovingly at me, like some love-struck idiot in the movies. ⌠But I cant┘there▓s nothing to say┘■
I paused, though only for a moment before┘ ⌠AAAUUGH!!! YOU DRIVE ME EVEN MORE INSANE THAN GAARA!!■ I stopped at those words and sighed, yes, he drove me insane. Though I had already been insane before I had come here, so it didn▓t matter. I did not hate Sasuke, but I did not particularly like him, I did not┘could not love him like I did Gaara┘and he needed to know that. ⌠you both drive me crazy┘but┘I like it when Gaara does it┘■ He glared now, I had finally said something that would get on his nerves.
⌠Gaara?■ He growled, disdain and malice dripping from every syllable of the name as he spoke, ⌠How can you like anything about that m-■
⌠Shut up! I know what you▓re going to say, and so help me if you finish that sentence your life will be a living hell from now until I kill you┘which may not be too long if you keep this up┘■ I said dangerously, feeling the full moon glowing in my eyes, knowing that if he said it I would not be able to stop myself. I would attack the boy┘and I would kill him, for insulting my Gaara.
He stood up, his glare softening as he looked at me, and he sighed. ⌠Fine┘■ he began to walk by me, ⌠But, you cant stop me┘I▓ll have you, I promise┘■ It was almost a threat, or a challenge. To which I grinned evilly, I would accept this challenge with open arms, and I would win.
Now, as Sasuke disappeared down to the motel rooms I decided it best to stay clear of them. Fore, by now Itachi and Lauren would be having there ⌠alone time■ and I did not even what to know what Ramona may be doing to Naruto, but I was sure I had heard a pained scream coming from his room earlier. So, the only place I would have left would be in between Sasuke and Lee, not exactly a comfortable position. Anyway, I chose to stay on the roof, perhaps I would be able to sleep with the full moon smiling down on me. I had always had good luck on full moons, though this day had gone rather terribly I had to admit, perhaps my good luck was wearing out? I sighed and spoke to the moon, ⌠So, what▓s the deal, man? I▓m still waiting for my monthly stroke of good luck. Come on, are you hiding some kind of spectacular surprise?■ I rolled onto my stomach and stood up, my hands shoved deep into my pockets, looking up at the silver moon. ⌠Well, for your sake, Dude, it had better be something like a Gaara love confession or I▓ll have to come up there and blow you up or something┘■ I said, smirking and knowing that nothing that awesome could ever happen, for all I knew I would leave without my presence having been anything more than a bother to Sabaku no Gaara, the Kazekage.
I sighed and began humming, my mind lost in a flood of thoughts that I refused to even attempt to try and sift through. I would wait until I▓d had my rest, then I would lay in bed for hours, the door to my motel room locked, and I would go over every thought. I would hate it, and I would probably feel empty afterward, but it was nothing I was not used to. I had grown accustomed to feeling that emptiness, that feeling like there was a hole in my soul that no one could fill. I remember having once asked one of my friends what I should do about this hole┘she told me to try duct-tape┘I sighed again, ▒I should sing myself a soothing song, something that▓ll help me relax┘because god knows I▓ll die if I stay in the silence much longer┘▓ I thought and immediately a song came to mind as I heard a laugh from below. Now, I am quite aware that I suck at singing, though many people have told me I▓m quite good, but I do prefer to just sing softly to myself, if only to hear the song┘despite the sound of my own voice┘
The song a sang softly to the moon was one of the beginning themes to Naruto, a song which meant a lot to me, especially in this state of mind. ⌠Nee Kikoemasuka? ┘Sora wa hateshi naku aoku sunde ite┘Umi wa kagirinaku koudai de ite┘Kimi wa itsuma demo egaode ite ne┘Janaito, naichau kara┘■ (Can you hear me? The sky needs to be blue and clear. The sea needs to be vast. You need to have a smile on you all the time. Or else I will cry.) I hugged myself, fighting back tears as I choked out the song I had memorized long ago, ⌠Mamariwo mimawasanakutemo mou iindayo┘Kono te no naka ni wa minna ga irukara┘Nakitaku natte, nigetaku natte. Shiawase wo wasurete shimattara┘Minna utae┘■ (You don▓t have to look around anymore. Everyone is inside these hands. If you feel like crying or running away. And forget about happiness. Sing.) I sighed, feeling my face drowning wet with my salty tears, glad there was no one there to see me in this weak state. I turned toward the moon in a sudden fit of sadness and rage and belted out, ⌠Hikari ga umare yami ga umareta! Futatsu wa hitotsu Harmonia! Kanjite Telepathy!■ (Light was born then darkness was born. The two are one harmony. Please feel the telepathy.) Finally I felt my legs give out and I fell to my knees, weeping pathetically and feeling much too vulnerable to be alone. Hugging myself I all but whispered the last line, ⌠Nee Kikoemasuka?■ (can you hear me?)
Unable to breathe. Unable to move. Unable to even call for help. Cold as ice from my heart to the very tips of my fingers. Consumed by the feeling that I am slowly dieing┘and I am totally, completely, utterly alone.