AN: Aha! Another speedy update. However, after this, I'm forcing myself to take the updates s l o w l y. Honestly, people, I really think you'll be more interested in what you're reading if I post, say, a chapter every few days rather than 2 chapters a day. Keep you waiting. Keep you in suspense. Keep you horny by abstaining, if you want to look at it that way. And- this chapter veers off the 'adventure' aspect completely. I've decided I need room for romance, character building, and sex jokes instead. Ta!
"Can't you walk any faster?" Mandy grumbled. Billy was still limping a bit.
Billy paid no attention to her words. The two were roaming aimlessly around a cheerfully twisted world. The grass was perfect and green, the sky was bright blue, the flowers were all in bloom, and pinkish bubbles floated by. Mandy didn't know where they were, but judging by the rainbows-and-butterflies atmosphere, it probably had something to do with Billy conjuring the portal. "Where're we goin' again...?"
The blonde threw up her hands. "I don't know!" she burst out. "You're the one that wants to be here, and if you don't shut up, it's right back to the real world we go." Billy sagged a little bit, pouting at her. She ignored him. "Oh, and by the way, Billy? There's a speck of cement on your left eyebrow. I expect you to find some way to remove it before we continue."
Billy stopped at a pure little puddle to examine his reflection. "I don't see nothin'."
"Well, look harder, and be snappy." Mandy moved in next to Billy and looked at her own image in the water. Somehow, she'd lost her hairband, and she reached up and tried to smooth her hair back into its usual shape. Billy was busy making daft faces at himself.
Mandy let her hands fall back to her sides. No one here cared how she looked.
Her eyes slid over to Billy's reflection. He came across as incredibly stupid- as he really was- and every so often, he'd stop making faces and just laugh at nothing in particular. Mandy could hardly believe this was the same boy who held her, who rocked her a couple of days ago. Were all dim-witted creatures so very gentle?
In some ways, Mandy hated to admit, he was smarter than her. No, not smarter- just, some things came naturally to him. Like sweetness. Like enjoying things without holding back. For example, right now he was having a much happier time than she was. I'd rather be angry and smart, Mandy told herself, than cheery and idiotic. She was content with her life.
Wasn't she? There was something annoying at the back of her mind, nagging at her thoughts lately. It was something that would have made her anxious, if she weren't Mandy, but what was it?
"I'm justa slice of pineapple pie, I'm justa slice of pineapple pie," Billy sang out, bringing Mandy back to earth. The redhead smiled and flopped down on his back. "Hey, this grass is all cushy! Wanna lay down, Mandy?" He tilted his head back a bit and crossed his legs comfortably. "Pineapple pie, pineapple pie, serve it to me 'til I barf and I cry! Oooooo, I'm justa slice of pineapple piiiiiii-eeeee... IT'S ALL I WILL EAT 'TIL THE DAY THAT I DIE! Deehee! Like my song, Mandy?"
"Nope," Mandy replied. "Pineapples are gross."
"Hey!" Billy sat up, indignant. "You can't just go ahead and insult pineapples as if you were any old granny!"
"Pineapples are gross," Mandy repeated carelessly.
It happened in a flash. Billy launched himself at his friend, sending them both rolling once again. Mandy felt her back connect with the ground, the breath knocked from her lungs, as he pinned her down. She struggled and glared. Billy glared in return. "Take it back," he cried out.
"No," Mandy snapped. She tried to shove him off of her, and succeeded in rolling him over- now he was the one being pinned down. "It's just a bunch of stupid pineapples. I don't know why you care so much!"
Billy scowled. The expression looked odd on his normally happy face. "Because I loveses pineapples."
"Love is a waste of time," Mandy proclaimed distractedly. Again, she found herself uttering something she suspected was a lie.
Billy managed to throw her off of him, keeping a firm grip on her shoulders, and, this time, neither gained the upper hand. They simply rolled around on the happy springy grass, growling at each other, each as stubborn as the other. They wrestled in this manner for a good ten minutes before Mandy felt her muscles beginning to give out. Cursing her body, she tried and tried to shove him under- she needed to teach him a lesson, and to prove her point to him as well. Billy continued to glare at her, singing the Pineapple Song through clenched teeth. He showed no signs of giving in. Mandy desperately struggled. It was no use. Adolescence made her feminine... feeble. She used one last spurt of strength to try and shove him away- which certainly did not happen. He pinned her to the ground, victorious.
She stared at him. Now, child that he was, he'd begin to rub it in her face. Nyah, nyah, and she had to tell him that she liked pineapples. Mandy winced.
Billy did no such thing.
He simply leaned over her, panting, watching her through half-lidded eyes. Mandy felt her heart rate accelerate, although she'd stopped moving. "Hey. Dummy. You win."
"Yeah," Billy said. He got up, immediately collapsing again right next to her, and wiggled his shoulder so that Mandy's head rested on it.
"Get away from me," Mandy said icily. She was too tired to move away herself.
"No!" Billy exclaimed. He sounded slightly nervous and perturbed- as if he had something that he didn't want taken from him.
He brushed a stray piece of Mandy's hair back behind her ear. The tenderness of the gesture caught her off-guard, but she said nothing- she only laid there, stiffly. "Alright. You have exactly thirty seconds to do what you want. Then I'm going to get back up and knock the stuffing out of you, the old-fashioned way."
"What way?"
"My way."
"O-oh! How much seconds do I gots left?"
"Twenty-one, twenty, nineteen..."
Billy turned and gave Mandy a small, gentle kiss on the forehead.
-GABM-
"Why-a we goin' home?" Billy managed to spit out through several broken and missing teeth. A makeshift bandage covered his nose. His left eye was covered with an enormous, purple bruise.
Mandy had been true to her word.
"One, because I said so," Mandy said, running her finger over the razor-sharp blade of the scythe, "two, do you really think we could spend the rest of our lives in this horrible flowery place? I have to return this to Grim, too- he has a job to do, no matter how badly he sucks at it, and a world without death is much, much, much, much, much, much worse than a world with it. Plus I want to find out what he thought of my creative venture."
"Crrrr-et-a-tive adventures?" Billy said, screwing his beaten face up in thought. Mandy nodded at him, looking somewhat wry.
Mandy raised the scythe up, bringing it down in front of herself and her friend with a familiar ringing noise, opening another swirling green portal. Billy's face glowed green as he looked at her. "Uh, Mandy? What happens if you accidentally teleport us back to Gorla's-"
"How many times do I have to tell you, Billy, that I killed her?" Mandy caught a glimpse of his face. He looked very worried. Lost. Mandy's voice lost some of its edge. "Nothing like that's going to happen again," she promised.
"I don't wanna be separated..." Billy said. His eyes flicked towards the portal for an instant.
"That won't happen, either. Honestly, Billy, Grim's the one who keeps losing you- not me."
Billy stepped closer and held her hand. Mandy's eyes widened, surprised, but she let him be. If it helped him get home, so be it. "You let go as soon as we arrive," Mandy warned him.
Billy grinned. "Yep!"
She led him into the portal calmly, as if she were leading him to his class, or leading him to his hotel room, or leading him away from Sperg. Window after window flashed by their eyes as they hurtled through various dimensions, being dropped off at none. Outlandish scenes whirled around them wildly. Billy chortled moronically amongst all the madness. "I pity you," Mandy told him. Billy's only response was to giggle again and give her hand a squeeze.
The portal spewed them out ungratefully.
Mandy, dizzied, barely managed to land on her feet. The carpet was squishy, familiar- and pink. Billy was still holding on to her, and she jerked her hand away, disgusted. "Here we are, stupid," Mandy said. Her voice, which was completely monotone, hid her relief at getting back safely.
"Wow, Mandy! We're in your bedroom!"
Mandy raised an eyebrow and slapped him- albeit gently. "Calm down, freak."
She turned sharply as she felt the scythe being snatched away. "I t'ink I'll be takin' dat," Grim snapped. He sighed and looked at the scythe as a lover would. "Welcome back, Jodie," he said to it gleefully. "Blast, but I've missed ya, girl!"
"Get a room," Mandy said brusquely.
"Well," Grim said bitterly to her, "you seem to be fine as well. How's your little sweetheart?"
"I'm fine!" Billy piped up with a giggle. "Boy, we had fun. This guy with pointy teeth brought me to this lady with pointy teeth, who..." Billy's face fell momentarily.
"Who I rescued you from," Mandy deadpanned. "Go on."
"Yeah! And then I slept naked in a bed with Mandy, and then we laid by this puddle and she told me I could do whatever I wanted to her for thirty seconds! Then she beat the crap out of me. It was great!"
Grim gave a whoop of laughter. "I knew it!"
"Knew what?" Billy asked blissfully.
"Get out of here, Grim," Mandy said. Her voice, which should have been boiling with hatred, was calm and quiet. Not that that did much to console Grim. He slowly backed away, stepping out the door, telling himself there was no reason whatsoever to be afraid for his well-being. Grim gulped nervously. "Oh- eh-" he poked his head back inside gingerly. "Can I have my robe back?"
"Sho' thing!" Billy yelled, whipping Grim's outfit off and standing exposed next to Mandy.
Mandy coughed and turned away.
"Thanks a lot," Grim said dully. He snatched his robe, pulled it over his head, and slammed the door behind him.
Billy turned to his best friend. "Geez, what's his beef?" Billy complained.
-GABM-
"Son," Harold said gravely, "I think what we have here is a serious problem." He reached into a nearby cookie jar, pulled up a congealed wad of cotton candy, and stuffed it down his throat. His lecture was interrupted by a long, loud belch. Harold's face melted into a foolish smile, and remained so for a good five minutes.
"Aren't you going to tell him off, dear?" Gladys replied nervously.
Phone calls had been sent to both Billy's and Mandy's parents- they, for obvious reasons, had not been in school for the past two days. Mandy's parents were too afraid to fight, or to discipline her in any way. Billy's, on the other hand...
Harold scratched his back, little pieces of cotton candy sticking around his mouth. "Saywha?" he said quickly.
"Skipping, Harold, our son was skipping school," Billy's mom supplied. "You were going to tell him what a destructive decision that is, dear. Weren't you? Dear?"
Harold was staring at her, his expression completely empty, a strand of drool dripping from his lazy mouth. At her last word he seemed to perk up a bit. "Oh, yeah," he said, putting on his best righteously parental glare. "Bad Billy."
Billy smiled, not paying attention to anything his parents were saying, tongue sticking playfully out the left side of his mouth.
"Skipping is a very bad thing, son. Socially. Scholastically. Religiously. Economically. Accidentally. Duhhhm... grammatically. And archaeologically. Why I remember one time when I skipped out of class so I could spend some a-lone time with your mother in the janitor's closet."
"Did it lead to good things?" Billy asked. His father was beginning to snag his interest.
Harold scratched his head. "Gladys," he whispered loudly to his wife, "I forget. Is Billy a good thing?"
Gladys's eye twitched. "Why don't you just skip to the moral of the story for now, dear?"
"Right," Harold answered seriously. "The moral is, no one can eat serpentine without having tummy troubles. As punishment, you have to sweep your room."
"But Billy's room has a carpet covering the entire floor," Mandy piped up for the first time. The family looked at her, surprised. She glared back.
"It does?" Harold said, genuinely surprised. "Well, I guess I need to give Billy his special broom."
He whipped out a short, purple-coated broom with "Billy" carved in disjoined letters on the side. Harold sniffed at it deeply. His face ticked twice. "Yep," he said, "I can still smell the massage oil."
"Give me that," Mandy snapped. She snatched it away, and, to her disgust, the broom was covered with a sticky, slimy substance. "What the heck is on this handle?" she demanded. "It's gross."
Billy gave a sheepish giggle and began to lead Mandy by the wrist up to his room. "It just needs to be polished a little bit, I guess," he said humbly. "You can, if you wanna. There's lemon polish up in my dresser. I put it up there a few years ago for a bedtime snack, mmhmm."
"Aw, isn't that sweet, babe?" Harold said to Gladys, wrapping his arm around her. "He's already got her doing all the domestic work. Hey Mandy!" he called out to her. Gladys instinctively shrunk back.
"What?" Mandy replied coolly.
"Have fun polishing Billy's handle!"