9:00 pm: I was steamed, to say the least. Kaoru and Kurumi shared one bed while I paced in front of mine in the dark, my thoughts wouldn't stop long enough for me to at least deal with them in my subconscious. Everything made me angry, every bit of this experience. The fact that I had just handed everyone else a happy ending on a silver platter, while I got tossed around like a used rag. Sasuke thought he could just claim me, and I knew I wanted Gaara but could never have him because of the separation of our villages. The fact that I had to leave when we were finished with the negotiations was reason enough to just give up on what I was trying to make between myself and Gaara.
10:00 pm: The room was almost closing in on me, I had to retreat to the bathroom and breathe. In the bathroom I found the solution to my problems, a razor. I picked it up, looked it over, thought it over, and set it back down. I sat in the tub, fully clothed, clutching my knees to my chest and resting my chin on them. I kept glancing toward the razor, the recurring thought seemed so attractive each time it came up, though only for a moment. After a minute or so of simply looking at the razor, each time I would look away, remembering what kind of damage my bad habits had done to those around me before. Then again, this wasn't the same. This was a land where everyone else's dreams were coming true, why would they care? And if I hid it┘no! I can't, it's not good, remember? I had to leave the bathroom after about an hour of battling with myself.
11:00 pm: I sighed and threw myself on my bed, half-heartedly attempting to fall asleep. Nothing for about half an hour, I gave up and went out on the roof to pace a little more. Back and forth, back and forth, I couldn't stand it. I was slowly going insane, the longer I stayed in this place the more dangerous it would become for myself and those around me. I beat my head against the cement wall long enough to make myself bleed from the center of my forehead, and my fingers were going numb from flexing them so many times in the past hour.
Midnight: the moon was right overhead and my thoughts still weren't in order. What to do? What to do? How would I get my happy ending? Should I just give up on my happy ending? If I were to have a happy ending, would it more likely be with Gaara or Sasuke? How long would it be before I had to leave Gaara and return to my village? Why does it always seem like the entire universe is working against me? What if I just died right here, would it make a difference in anybody's life? Would anyone care? Would anyone even notice?
1:00 am: The shadows all around me seemed to be pulsating. I was hearing things, some outside of myself, others in my head. Whispers, soft laughter, angered shouts, though the most trying sound on my conscious mind was the resonating sound of nails scraping repeatedly on a chalkboard inside my head. No matter how I tried to stop it, it just wouldn't go away. The continuously torturous sound simply kept on going. That mixed with the other noises made me curl up into a ball, my knees touching my chest and my hands covering my ears desperately.
2:00 am: I was pacing on the roof; the noises were still there, and louder than ever. I had my hands over my ears and I was talking to myself, just talking, saying whatever came to mind in order to stop the noises, the voices, everything. I just wanted it all to stop. "Stop it," I said repeatedly, "just stop, please? What did I ever do to deserve this? Why me? Why not someone more deserving of torture? What have I ever done to anyone to deserve this? I am a generally nice person, am I not? Come on, stop! You have no right to torture me like this, if at all. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, STOP!!" I froze, I could hear my own voice echoing through the city, but nothing else. They had stopped for now, but they would come back if I wasn't careful, I knew they would.
2:30 am: Sitting on the edge of the roof, watching the stars, I kept my mind occupied so that it would not bring back those terrible sounds. The sounds of my past life...my life in the other world. The world I had almost forgotten. It was the real world...or was this the real world? I wasn't sure anymore. I couldn't tell the difference, I had no idea whether this was the dream or if I had simply just woken up from that dream. I couldn't be sure of anything, I hugged myself protectively as a breeze chilled me down to the bone. I was beginning to hear the sounds again, they were only just starting. I pulled my knees up to my chest once more and looked up at the moon, it had to have been close to three o'clock in the morning. It had always been my demon hour, and it was so close that I could feel it breathing down my neck like a repulsive monster. I had always hated three in the morning.
3:00 am, The Demon Hour: I was standing again, pacing. My head was throbbing with the sounds of the night mixed with the voices inside my head. Cats roaming the streets I could hear their every movement Dogs barking miles away The rats in the walls of the motel scurrying around beneath me scratching at the wood The shifting of the sand as another chilling breeze blew so casually by Nails on a chalkboard as though the sound was being amplified by a megaphone held right beside my ear And then the voices the ridiculing whispers the haunting laughter the screams from behind the wall of my bedroom I knew it wasn't a dream it couldn't have been a dream It had been my reality it had been real and now it was calling me back from this reality. "No," I told myself, "No, I cant go back there...not that place again...not that life!" Whispers echoed through my head saying, "it is where you belong┘this is not your world..." I grabbed my head, "No, I don't belong there! They never wanted me! They never needed me!" The echoing whispers, "No one needs you here either..." I knew it was true, there was no way I could have denied it, and I hated that fact. The tears came slowly, first welling in my eyes, stinging, burning, and blurring my vision. Then rolling down my cheeks like trails of fire on my skin. I hated reality, I hated all reality, and I wanted it to end. I had been living based on the fact that someone might need me some day, I now knew that I was living a lie. Sasuke did not care for me, he just thought he owned me, he had never really cared. And even if he did care, he would never show it, he was worse at expressing himself than Gaara. Gaara, who was I kidding? There was nothing I could have done about Gaara, I couldn't have helped him, I couldn't have done what he needed me to do for him. What he needs is for someone to take Shukaku from him and give him some kind of release, he needs someone to teach him the meaning of love. What could I do? Nothing! I barely knew the meaning of love myself, how could I possibly make Gaara see its true meaning?! What point did I have to exist? Nothing! A lie! It had all been a lie! Everything! Every time I had convinced myself to live just one more day, everything I had told myself had been a complete lie! I found my way back to the hotel room, staggered into the bathroom and locked the door. I removed a kunai from my shoe. There was no point to anything anymore, why go on living if there is no purpose to it? Why bother? This was my revelation.
4:00 am: The feeling of cold metal on skin was something I had not felt in months. As I watched the red tears flow from my right arm, just behind my elbow, I did the same to my other arm. Then again to both of my wrists. The stinging was soothing, it was only a minute or two before the voices stopped completely. Everything went quiet and I could feel myself losing strength. I dropped to my knees, hugging myself. All of the heat left my body and I shook from the cold. The once white floor had been stained red by my blood. I smiled, and then my world went dark.
Unable to breathe. Unable to move. Unable to even call for help. Cold as ice from my heart to the very tips of my fingers. Slowly dieing and I am totally, completely, utterly alone.
This was my salvation.