I was sitting in my office, waiting for her as usual. I had been preparing for it all night, looking in the mirror and repeating the words over and over again to myself. For some reason, though, they never sounded right. Perhaps, I had thought, they would sound better while she looked me in the eyes. Her confidence made me feel as though I needn't be so distant, but old habits really do die hard.
When there came a knock on the door I never expected Lee to come running into my office, covered in blood. The fear in his eyes was obvious, he had been crying as well. He stood before me with wide eyes and opened his mouth to deliver some news, but he choked on his words. All he could get out was her name, "Tsukasa..." In that instant I knew something had happened to her, though I'd had no idea what it could have been. I ran after Lee and we took off in the direction of the motel where she was staying, I had no idea why they hadn't taken her to a hospital if she was bleeding enough to get it all over Lee.
All of my questions were answered, though, when I burst into the room where every one of her friends were gathered. All of them had solemn expressions on their faces, Naruto and Kurumi had been crying by the look of them. Itachi held Kurumi in his arms protectively, watching me warily as I walked by. Sasuke was nowhere to be found, of course it was typical for someone like him to run when faced with death. Kaoru sat just outside the bathroom door, her knees drawn up to her chest, and she simply stared as though looking straight through the floor. She was as lost to the world as someone who had lost their life.
I placed a hand on the doorknob, I was trembling. Somehow that girl had had the power, from day one, to make me tremble with fear. No one else had ever been able to do such a thing. I opened the door and looked with cold blood at the sight on the bathroom floor, I had to lose the emotion she had handed to me, otherwise I would have broken down into tears. My Tsukasa, the first person to ever get it through my head that there was something to life other than anger and depression. She lay upon the bathroom floor, drowned in a pool of her own blood, cuts all over her arms. She was gone, even before I could know her like I truly wished to.
I had no choice, I bent and lifted her limp body into my arms. I carried her out of the bathroom and laid her atop her own bed, still neatly made. She had gotten no sleep last night. I placed a stray strand of lovely hair behind her ear. Ever since the day she had held my hand, I had wanted to touch her, but not like this. Ever since the day she had given me that sad smile, I knew she had never felt true happiness, and I thought I could have given it to her. Ever since I had first laid eyes on her, I had known she would look beautiful between myself and the bed sheets, but I had not pictured it this way. I had, for the first time in my life, felt true happiness and comfort, all because of her. Had she known? If she had, would it have made a difference?
I began to think, "If only." If only I hadn't let her go home. If only I had defended her when Sasuke had confronted us. If only I had found the courage earlier. If only I had learned the words before this. If only I had come back for her. If only I hadn't kept my mouth shut for so long. If only she had known...
How much I love her...