The Backstage Raccoons Chapter 3
Written By Brother Ralph
Some time later Melissa found herself sat with her legs crossed at the bar with Simon. They were at least talking now, but he was still awkward and nervous. What Bert had said was true, he was a nice guy, just no confidence at all.
'So where do you live then Simon?' she asked, kindly trying to take him somewhere mundane to find his footing in.
'Well, er, at the moment I live with my parents.' Textbook Melissa thought, 'And my Aunt and Uncle, and my 19 brothers and sisters and 14 cousins.'
Melissa was just stunned by this, and rather than think of something to say she let him continue.
'It's kind of the meerkat way you see, we don't actually venture out of the family group unless we want to set up on our own.' He explained. It explained why he wasn't comfortable trying to face the world alone.
When she didn't say anything to this Simon became worried that the silence was going to return a desperately flung out, 'So are you…er…seeing anyone at the moment?'
Her heart went out to him as it was clear he had no experience of talking to women. Or anybody else for that matter. The poor thing was in a situation here and he just didn't know what to do. He was getting himself into a state of panic. Bert had pushed him into a corner and although Bert may do things this way it just doesn't suit some people. She decided that the kindest thing to do would be to give him the opportunity to escape.
'You know Simon, I'm just going to pop to the loo.' As she had suspected a wave of relief hit the frightened meerkats face and he may even have stopped sweating. As she left without turning back she wondered how long after she went round the corner he'd wait before getting off of the stool and making a run for the door. About thirty seconds was her guess.
When she got into the toilets she found there was only one cubicle that wasn't out of order, and it was currently in use. Looked like the people who ran the club had just rushed to get one toilet running so they could open the club tonight. While she was waiting Melissa started washing her face and using the basin to support her weight. Now that she was standing she realised she was drunker than she had realised. From inside the cubicle there came a noise a little like someone in pain. Melissa straightened up and listened. The noise came again but more violently this time.
'Are you OK in there?' she asked hesitantly, having to concentrate on forming her words properly.
There was some heavy breathing that was eventually followed by 'yes…er…thank you…I'm fine.'
Melissa remained quiet as a few moments passed until the cubicle door opened. A very tall raccoon walked out and past her without acknowledging her at all. Melissa went to go past and into the cubicle when a second raccoon, Ralph, came out.
'Ralph!? What are you doing in here?' she asked without thinking.
He gave an embarrassed smile and looked at the floor. Melissa looked back between him and the tall raccoon. 'Oh' she said sadly.
'er, Melissa this is Lisa, she's looking to be involved with The Raccoons in the next couple of years or so. Erm, I'll leave you girls to get acquainted.' He abruptly left the women's toilets, nearly falling twice on his way out and apologising to the walls as he walked into them. Looked like Bert was getting him drunk, and fast.
'Hi! I'm Lisa!' she introduced herself and extended a hand to Melissa. She felt like spitting on it, or better still throwing up on it, but instead she took it and said.
'Oh, hi there. I'm Melissa!' for a while she thought the conversation would end there. Unfortunately Lisa gave a sickly sweet smile and said 'When you're done in here we'll have a little chat. Ralph's been telling me about you and how nice you are. I'll just be by the bar.'
Melissa locked herself into the cubicle and sat on top of the seat trying to think through the drink. Just your luck Melissa. You're going to really wish you'd stuck with Simon.
That original prediction turned out to be correct. Talking to Lisa was a nightmare. Now that Melissa was ordering her own drinks she was onto dry white wine and she sat nursing it slowly while listening to Lisa babble on about how hard she'd tried to be in the show and how she'd auditioned for Melissa's part but had been turned down.
'I just couldn't understand it,' she said in what Melissa suspected was a put on posh accent, 'I wanted to play the lead female so much and put in so much work for it. I even went to singing lessons. Do you sing Melissa?'
'No' she replied blandly, hoping that short answers might kill the conversation.
'You know the Raccoon that played Melissa in the specials could sing. She sang most of the songs for the specials. I thought that was an indication that the directors wanted the leading role to be a singer. So I learnt to sing.'
'oh, I see' Melissa gazed into her wine wondering if she could drown herself in what she had left or whether she'd have to buy another round.
'But never mind, they gave the part to you and I'm sure they had wonderful reasons for doing it.'
'Perhaps because my name is the same as the characters?' Melissa smiled for the first time since Ralph had left the table.
Lisa looked confused. 'Erm, no dear I think you'll find the characters on the show are named after the actors, not the other way around,' Melissa sighed inwardly. It had been an attempt at a joke but obviously her audience didn't have any idea what that was so she gave up on being funny. This girls mind holds thought about as well as a sieve holds water! She thought to herself.
'They are working on a new character for me to play. She doesn't appear in the series for absolutely aaaaages! But I don't mind as long as I get there in the end. They want me to sing Run with Us too.' Lisa continued.
'Really? You must be very proud.' Melissa said with the slightest hint of sarcasm. Lisa didn't notice it though.
'Oh yes I am Melissa. I've won awards for acting and awards for singing but it's all been to get onto the Raccoons! Now my dream may one day come true.' She said theatrically. She leaned into Melissa conspiratorially and whispered 'But I'd still rather be Ralph's wife.' She tilted her head back and laughed in a much too exaggerated way. 'In the show of course! Ha-ha, only in the show. No, I couldn't possibly be tied down just yet in real life. I'm in the prime of my youth, I'm fit and attractive, and I've got money to burn. It's time for fun! But what about you Melissa, you must be looking to settle down soon, hmm? Biological clock must be ticking and all that.'
Melissa was horrified! She was 25 for goodness sake, you don't start worrying (or even talking about worrying) about biological clocks at 25! Feeling depressed at what age Lisa must have assumed her to be she ordered another white wine. Lisa placed a hand gently on Melissa's forearm.
'Er, Melissa darling don't you think you may have had enough?' It's not to drink, it's to throw on you! Melissa would have stayed and fought her own corner, but at that moment she noticed Bert trying to get her attention at the exit. He was virtually holding Ralph up, and they were signalling that they were about to leave.
Melissa decided to hold the peace…for now. She forced herself to smile at Lisa and said, 'You know what, I think you're right. I don't feel so good anyway. I think I'll go home now and sleep it off, nice talking to you.'
Lisa nodded appreciatively. 'I look forwards to working with you, Melissa. And with Ralph.' After this she giggled and Melissa left her to her drink, resisting the urge to wrestle her to the ground and throttle her.
After collecting the three coats that the boys had forgotten, she followed Bert and Ralph who had walked out when they saw she was on her way. It was true she'd only been away from them for about 45 minutes but she still felt like they'd abandoned her, even though she knew Bert only meant well with Simon.
When they got outside the chilly wind blew against her again and she hastily put her coat on. She also handed Bert his coat and tried to help him drape Ralph's round him. Ralph was giggling insanely at nothing, somehow finding the way he moved his own feet to be amusing.
'For goodness sake Bert! How much have you let him drink?'
'He wasn't with us half the time. He went off with some girl raccoon and then came back like this. I've never seen him lose his hold completely like this.'
Finally Schaeffer came over to give some well needed help. He held Ralph up with one hand and shook his head disapprovingly of the group. 'You lot are a mess!' he cried.
He would have given a lecture there and then about the responsibilities of drinking if it hadn't been for a bear trying to get into the club at that moment.
Schaeffer stopped him as he was clearly as drunk as the Raccoons.
'Hey there mate, I think you'd best go home. And that goes for you lot too'.
'ere, don't tell me what to fockin do aright mate?' the bear said. He was wearing a hoody that had concealed his face but now they saw him they realised he was bright yellow!
Bert started to laugh. 'ha ha! No way! Ha, it can't be!'
The yellow bear pulled his hoody off and revealed himself to be funshine bear who was in the care bears, filmed in the studio right next to their own!
'Oh yeh, fink it's fockin funny do ya? Fockin lafin at me fer 'avin a good time are ya?' he asked with aggression and pushed Bert. The bear was at least the size of Schaeffer and easily bowled the drunken Raccoon over, sprawling him into the road.
Ralph got out of Schaeffer's grip and grabbed the bear from behind. It was too strong for him and threw him off with a backhanded swing that caught him across the side off the head. He fell to the floor slowly, using the wall for support and Melissa rushed over to him. She put her hands on his back and told him to stay still, not sure what to do. The bear was hurting her friends and she was too frightened and uncertain to do anything about it. By now Schaeffer had the bear in an armlock and held him against the wall until he calmed down. Bert stood up and Ralph slowly regained consciousness, though he still seemed not to know what was going on.
Schaeffer released the bear when he thought it was all over.
The bear was clearly drunk and was babbling about the atrocities of the world and how politics was stopping things working the way they should.
'You know, it ain't fockin rockit science is it? Ya know, it's like, life innit. It's, you know, this is real life and it's like, fockin, not like our fockin cartoons where everyfins like, you know, better. This is fockin real and it's like shit intit.'
Schaeffer put a hand on his shoulder and said diplomatically 'Come on now mate, I think it's been a long night for all of us. Why don't we all just go home, eh?'
Ralph was lying on his back now, not trying to get up. Instead he was just stretching a hand towards Melissa's face. He stroked her fur just below the eye and looked at her critically. Melissa smiled at him and said something that sounded far far away to him. Whatever it was it probably wasn't important.
'You've got a funny nose!' he thought he heard himself say. Melissa's smile faded. What? Had he said something wrong?
Biological Clock and a funny nose! That's how people are seeing you Melissa! she thought to herself angrily. I bet they didn't think that about Lisa. Miss perfect. No, I bet Ralph didn't say her nose was funny! She ranted to herself. Outwardly however, she remained placid and watched the bear carefully just in case he became violent again.
The bear was starting to be guided away by Schaeffer now. Unfortunately as he was walking away he turned back to face Bert again and shouted.
'You Raccoons are fockin easy to knock down though intya? Bunch of poofters or what?'
The next few things happened so fast that Melissa could barely take them in let alone prevent them. The funshine bear turned away from them and was walking away. Bert charged at him from behind and leapt onto him, and a police dog car pulled round the corner. As Bert and the bear started scrapping Bert got a few good punches in, but the bear wasn't taking much notice off them. He far outmatched Bert but was large, slow and clumsy and couldn't get many good impacts. It was only a matter of time before he would hit and do the brave Raccoon some serious damage.
Melissa was relieved when the two police dog Alsatians got out of their car and with some backup from Schaeffer managed to pin down the two combatants. The three dogs were all of good builds and good strength, and they all looked trained in the art of pinning people to hard surfaces without actually hurting them. Another thing in their favour was of course that they were sober, a luxury the two offenders didn't have.
The dogs told them both that they were under arrest. Melissa and Schaeffer both started trying to talk the police dogs out of it, but they were adamant that a law had been broken and must be dealt with properly. At that point the two were searched, and the dog holding Bert pulled a white tablet out of his sweater pocket.
'Excuse me sir, but may I ask what this is?' He asked in a rather stereotypical policeman accent. Bert looked at it dumbly, a look of shock on his face. It hadn't meant to be like this. It was meant to be one each, one fun night and then no evidence in the morning. He wasn't supposed to be caught with it like this!
'Shall I take your silence to mean it is an illegal substance sir?' The dog said sliding the pill carefully into a plastic wallet.
Schaeffer put his paws over his eyes and Melissa heard him quietly say 'Bert, you bloody idiot.'
Both the bear and Bert were bundled into the police dog car and they drove off, leaving Melissa standing over Ralph. He just lay there grinning at her.
'Melissa? Isat you?' he managed to garble through a mouth that stank of ale. She imagined him and Lisa together in a grubby cubicle and wondered how he'd let it happen. Suppressing the urge to kick him, she helped him up and started leading him towards his house.
'Do you need some help there Melissa?' Schaeffer asked kindly
'No thanks.' She called over her shoulder as she hoisted Ralph's arm across her back.
'Are you sure? I can…'
'I said no thanks Schaeffer' she knew she snapped at him and that he hadn't deserved it. She'd just had a long night and had had enough. Tomorrow her head would be clear of the drink and she'd be able to think clearly. Perhaps then she'd be able to work on a way to get her friends out of the trouble they'd got themselves into.