AN: WOW YOU GUYS KICK ASS! Thank you for all the great reviews! But even thought they make me want to update as quickly as I can, it may be harder because I got a job last week. And for those who feel like they wasted time reading this because of the possibility of shounen-ai... I'm mildly apologetic. I'm still not sure what to choose, because I love NaruHina, kinda indifferent towards SasuSaku, but friggin LOVE SasuNaru. I just wanna pick one that's easiest for me to write.

(AN EDIT FROM THE FUTURE): It had been decided later in the story that there be no pairings.

Gah, and thanks for the corrections about the YonDaime... what a stupid mistake... also, I really hope Naruto's wand wasn't too cliche... (Geez, this AN is getting long...)

Thank you for liking my Sasuke, Morena Evensong! I... heh heh... kinda had no intention to make Sasuke seem like Harry, but now that you brought it up, plot bunnies are attacking meeee! And also, I really appreciate your long reviews!

AND OMFG! I'm watching Naruto on Cartoon Network... and... did you know that:

THEY DONT SHOW IT! THEY DONT SHOW NARUTO AND SASUKE KISSING! OMFGWTFOMFG!

DISCLAIMER: This is ridiculous. Why even bother? You KNOW I don't own Naruto, SO STOP RUBBING IT IN!

x

"Talking in English" and 'Thinking in English'

"Talking in Japanese" and 'Thinking in Japanese'

x

Neji didn't need his Byakugan to tell that it was indeed, a cup. And a sake cup, none the less. He also didn't need his Byakugan to tell that his Hokage was an insufferable drunkard.

"Hokage-sama, um... it's a cup."

"Yes, I know that, Lee. But its a magic cup."

"Oh, I see!"

No, he didn't.

Neji sighed, hearing Tenten do the same. They had been doing that for awhile now, sighing synonymously.

"Look, just touch it when I say so. This mission has only two parts: look for, and board, a red train in nine and three quarters."

Touch the cup and look for a red train in nine and three quarter segments? Tsunade-sama seemed to read the genin's blank, confused faces, and sigh. She looked as if she didn't get much sleep last night. Either that or she was drunk. Again.

"And the last thing?" Neji droned.

"And the last thing: find and protect Poteru Hari," as the genin's deflated out of unenthusiasm, she became a little more agitated and scoffed, "If Cell Eight can do it, I don't see why you can't."

x

When Kiba asked her to use her Byakugan to search for a red train in nine and three quarter parts, she complied, it only made sense. If it was probably easy enough to see a train in a train station with normal vision, than it would be much easier to catch it using Byakugan. Because really, a red train cut in parts couldn't be that hard to find.

Shino had suggested that the 'nine and three quarters' could be a platform, but there was only a nine and a ten. The worst part was that they couldn't ask the conductor because he spoke some strange, foreign language. They could catch a few words, but other than that, it was useless.

"Byakugan!"

And after some time, to Hinata's great luck, surprise, and possible skill, she found a portal. It was composed of the strange chakra that clung inside and around some of the people walking in the station and in the alley they had just arrived from. Sometimes, young people carrying heavy loads would pass through it, letting her catch a short glimpse of a red train.

Tsunade-sama had, just that morning, sent them off on a new mission, against Kurenai-sensei's protests. They had just gotten back from a B ranker just a few hours before. It was long, exhausting, dangerous, and located in the heart of the Rock Country. They had all, mostly Kiba, almost died at least a dozen times.

And it was more than slightly out of character when the first thing that came to Hinata's mind was a more than slightly impolite "dammit!" Maybe she had spent so much time thinking about Naruto that she had finally started thinking like him too.

But despite their last exhausting (B Rank!) mission, Hokage-sama had sent them on their way, muttering something under her breath about angry Sand Nin, having them arrive to their destination, which involved nausea and a "magic cup", the group of four had found themselves in the room of a pretty shady pub. There, a kind bartender lead them through a brick wall that reassembled itself into an entrance leading to a massive alley crowded with strange shops and people wearing long, black dresses.

Tsunade-sama had advised them to, when in the alley, search for a shop that was small, old, and looking as if a giant frog had accidentally landed on it.

That didn't take long.

When Cell Eight entered the store, it was indeed small, old, squashed... and Hinata could immediately tell from the old, gray haired owner's chakra flow that he was silently devastated at their sudden appearance.

After Kiba-kun finally chose a stick that didn't cause mass destruction, apparently the sticks that fit sang and produced holy light, Kurenai-sensei took her leave. She had another mission that needed to be carried out back home, so her students had to use the magic cup to transport to the train station on their own.

By now, they had discovered the strange chakra portal, and were standing before it in a stumped silence, until Akamaru barked what could have been a suggestion.

Hinata could only watch Kiba smile as a plan took form in his head.

x

On the way to King's Cross, Harry found himself surrounded by at least a fifteen foot radius of wizards, witches, Aurors, shinobi, and a dog. He had thought it annoying. "I mean," he protested, "I'm not incapable."

But his protests fell upon deaf ears that morning when they had set out on the ten minute walk with their luggage, owls, and various ninja weapons in tow. Even Snuffles came along, chasing cats and cars and marking his territory for Harry's amusement when given the chance.

And the first five minutes went relatively smoothly, with the pair of shinobi girls chattering with Sasuke (or more like chattering 'at' Sasuke... Sasuke wasn't chattering back), Naruto talking it up with Ron, Moody, Madeye and Tonks (who would change the color of her hair every thirty seconds to keep the blonde in amazed entertainment), and Hermione preaching house elf liberation.

"So, who are we looking for?"

The question had come out of nowhere, surprising Harry and causing him to jump a little. "Uh...what do you mean?"

"I mean, we're protecting you from someone, right?"

"Well, yeah."

"If we don't know what they look like, then couldn't anyone just walk up and stab you with a magic stick?" Naruto said, kindly finishing the statement with a demonstration by making distinct stabbing motions with his wand. Harry wondered why the demonstration was aimed in the general direction of his crotch.

"Naruto, its not like You Know Who is gonna just walk up to Harry and stab his crotch!" shouted Ron.

"Who?"

"You Know Who."

"Who's who?"

"You know, You Know Who!"

"No, I DONT know who!"

And the conversation continued. They strongly reminded Harry of angry screech owls.

"You guys didn't do any research before coming here?" Naruto shook his head, "Like on our cultures and enemies... and terms?" Naruto shook his head vigorously. "...AT ALL?"

"Well... no."

An exasperated sound escaped Ron's lungs like oxygen out of a hot air balloon and Naruto returned it with a grin. Now that Harry thought about it, Naruto always seemed to be smiling, unlike the other one, Sasuke. He hardly said three words since he arrived. Harry felt that someone needed to give him a good punch.

"Then, what's his name?"

"You Know Who, or He Who Must Not Be Named."

"And each word starts with an upper case letter, huh?"

"As a matter of fact, it does!"

"His name is Voldemort," said Harry finally, receiving various reactions that included: cringing, yelping, and yawning.

"Voldemort?" asked Naruto, oblivious to the effect it had on his hosts of wizard and witches.

"Stop saying it!" Ron yelped.

"Saying what? Voldemort?" the people around him began to grow noticeably irritated, and either Naruto really hadn't noticed, or he really didn't care.

The shinobi with dark hair pulled into a spiky pony walked up at that moment, advising Naruto to shut up. The other crossed his arms and pouted, but complied.

"But we need to know more of this... person." muttered the pony tailed shinobi. Harry noted how this particular one always seemed tired and, well, lazy. "You know, his strengths, weaknesses, background... why we cant say his name..."

"Yeah, but the point," interrupted Ron, "is that he's not gonna sack Harry right here, right now," he stopped to pointedly mutter a 'maybe' under his breath, "Look, we're almost there anyway. Do you really need to know now?"

The ninja seemed to feel the growing tension and awkwardness that the interrogation was stirring up, but didn't back down. "But Shikamaru's right," it was Sakura, the pink haired girl who's name Harry could remember now, "We need to know these things if we're protecting you."

Ron stole a glance at Harry, almost apologetically, and returned his gaze to the ground. Harry had been getting a lot of flak for the past few months, about him 'lying' about Voldomort's return, the ministry's propaganda, and how Dumbledore had ignored him during his court hearing the other day. Ron knew his best friend like he knew the tip of his wand... Harry really didn't want to talk about anything that had to do with the dark lord. He was also feeling pangs of guilt. He really didn't need to be jealous or angry at Ron, Ron wasn't doing it to spite him.

The subject was abruptly changed (thank god) when they reached King's Cross, with Snuffles barking excitingly. Harry just then realized that bringing Sirius to the train station where he could be recognized, reported and taken to Azkaban was extremely reckless.

"How do we get to your school anyway?" asked Naruto, interrupting Harry's thoughts.

"We go through the gate between platforms Nine and Ten to reach platform Nine and Three Quarters where we board the train that takes us to Hogwarts," replied Hermione, ever knowledgeable.

"Oh, I get it."

No, he didn't.

"So, where's the gate?" asked the blonde shinobi girl who's name Harry didn't know because she had been to busy chatting it up with Sasuke so had never bothered to introduce herself personally.

"Over there," Hermione said, pointing to the brick wall between platforms Nine and Ten.

The shinobi, all seven of them, craned their necks in that general direction.

"Hey! Isn't that Hinata?"

"And Kiba!"

"And Shino."

"What the hell is Kiba doing?"

"Shit! He's gonna-"

"GATSUGA!"

Harry almost dropped Hedwig, earning him an angry squawk, as he witnessed two identical boys dressed in heavy fur lined coats suddenly rise up off the ground spinning like human sized drill heads and aiming for the gate that took them to the magical platform.

"What the fuck! Kiba! Stop!"

Harry must have blinked. He must have blinked because that was the only logical explanation as for why he hadn't see Kakashi running up to the two boys before they hit the brick wall, grabbing them by their wrists, spinning them, and flinging them in opposite directions. Innocent muggle onlookers gaped in awe at the most unusual spectacle. But they weren't the only ones. It seemed like even the Auror escorts were dumbstruck.

Naruto, Sakura, the blonde she-ninja, and the rest of the shinobi, besides Sasuke, who stayed put, and Shikamaru, who yawned, ran over to Kakashi. No, ran wasn't the right word. They were leaping several feet at a time each stride, closing a 150 yard gap in mere seconds.

The wizards, witches, Aurors, and a dog stood staring, flabbergasted.

And flabbergasted, now that the author thinks about it, is a freakishly ridiculous sounding word. And, because of that, is never to be used again... EVER.

It was Snuffles who had reacted first, running over to the group of shinobi with a bark and a wag of his tail. Harry and the rest of the party followed shortly after words, but still far less quickly.

Naruto and Sakura were already conversing with the newly arrived ninja in their fast paced native tongue, looking extremely animated as Harry stopped just a few feet from them, breathing hard. Quidditch, even though a sport that Harry was fairly skilled in, wasn't exactly a sport that had to do with any... real physical activity. Come to think of it, the only muscles ever exercised during a game where the ones he used to grip his broom stick.

It was when Shikamaru and Sasuke finally walked up did anyone take notice of the newly arrived witches and wizards.

"Oh, Harry! This is Hinata!" Naruto finally said, pointed to a pale blushing girl who's bangs, at the current angle of her head, covered the top of her face. Her hair was short, and stuck up in the back the same way Sasuke's did, only neater.

"And Kiba and Akamaru." Now the two wild looking twins from before. They were completely identical from their clothes, to their eyes, to the red triangles adorning their cheeks.

"And Shino. He's weird." The last boy was wearing a heavy winter coat that reached past his waist, and dark, round sunglasses. He may have been frowning slightly from Naruto's last comment, but Harry couldn't exactly tell. The collar of his coat covered everything under his nose. He kind of reminded Harry of a vampire.

One of the triangle cheeked boys, probably Kiba, said something to his twin in Japanese after the introduction that could have been a command. And to Harry's surprise, the other boy barked back. Not like an angry retort kind of bark, but an actual bark. Like a dog.

Harry once again found himself, and everyone else around him that weren't shinobi, shocked into silence when the barking twin 'popped,' dissipating into a cloud of white, fluffy smoke to become... a small white dog.

It was Snuffles, again, who recovered first, barking to the small, white dog, who barked back. They were having... a conversation.

"Okay," said Ron, "What the hell?"

Naruto, who had obviously completely forgotten about the boy he was hired to protect with his life while talking to the pale girl, spared Ron a curious glance. "You... don't have Henge no Jutsu either?"

"No. We Don't."

"Mou... then what do you guys have?"

"Well, we have a potion that does that!"

"Does it taste like chocolate?"

"No."

"Then it sucks."

Ron was ready to tear out his hair from frustration by now, but instead of flying into hysterical rage, picked up his luggage, and stormed through the gate in a huff.

"Na...Naruto..." stuttered the pale, dark haired girl. He turned his attention back towards her and they resumed the mostly one sided conversation with the girl trying to interrupt him but to no avail. She was quickly run down by a quick succession of Japanese words. Eventually, Harry caught his name in Naruto's frenzied speak, causing the girl to look him right in the face.

Harry was shocked (AGAIN) to see she was blind. Her irises were white and completely absent of pupils, yet when she had bowed politely, she did so in his immediate direction, he hadn't even uttered a single word to give away his location.

Harry, by now, was a little more than confused. But of course, you don't go blatantly asking people you had just met, "Hey, are you blind?" It just didn't work like that.

Hermione, thankfully, had reminded them of the time, and ushered everyone through the gate after assigning the newly arrived shinobi translation button pins. But instead of the random heart-felt pictures like on the pins Mrs. Weasley had produced, these had righteous pictures of house elf liberation.

"Akamaru, here's the train! But it's in one piece..."

"Bark!"

"Yeah, Shino was right. Nine and Three Quarters really was a platform."

And to spare a whole lot of unnecessary detail and typing that the author really doesn't feel like doing at 12:39 at night, they boarded the train with Mrs. Weasley tearily kissing everyone goodbye. Even Shino and Sasuke.

Harry had the oddest feeling that he was missing something by then.

"Hey Hermione, where's Ron?"

Hermione seemed to cringe at the question, looking slightly guilty.

"Sorry Harry, but we're suppose to meet up in the Prefect car. You know... standard regulation."

Harry's mood immediately sank. He was going to be stuck in a train compartment with ten ninjas? Eleven including the dog? That also gave birth to two more questions. Why the hell was Ron a Prefect anyway? And for the second one:

"You do know," said Harry, "there are only six seats in a compartment?"

x

In Shikamaru's seating car, the only troublesomeness he could bring himself to complain about was the fact that they had to share it with Team Eight, who had one obnoxiously talkative person, and a dog.

His team had unconsciously fell into their Ino-Shika-Chou formation, Ino at the door, Shikamaru in the middle, and Chouji by the window crunching Olde English Style BBQ potato chips.

It was sort of a lucky, and unlucky, break for Shikamaru to sit across from Shino. He was quiet (lucky) but weird (UNLUCKY).

Chouji had unfortunately sat across from Kiba, who was the slightly obnoxious one, but at least none of his stories were boring. Ino had busied herself with talking to Hinata, who stuttered back an opinion every once in awhile. Her unnatural lack of response probably had something to do with her massive crush on Naruto, and seeing as how most of the conversation revolved around Sasuke, her retorts tended to lack depth.

Disgusted groans and the sudden 'crash!' of glass breaking assaulted Team Eight and Ten's ears, the strange noises emitting from their neighboring compartment, along with the distinct rubbing sound of chaffing, green spandex clad thighs, and the 'ping' of shinning teeth over Naruto and Sakura's outraged screams.

Shino and Shikamaru sighed.

'This is just... too troublesome.'

x

"DYNAMURIC ENTURI!"

A swirling green tornado of shining hair, 'ping!'ing teeth, and spandex catapulted through the window with a deafening crash.

"Poteru Hari! We have come to protect your youth!"

Neville, who had joined them in the train compartment awhile earlier, but was unfortunately sitting across from Harry nearest the window, had received a present from his uncle that summer. But it wasn't a normal present, like a miniature air plane or a train set or something else a normal English boy would appreciate, it was a mimbulus mimbletonia, a very rare, dilapidated pickle looking plant found in deserts. They have a very curious, if not devastating, defense mechanism. For example now, what does a mimbulus mimbletonia do when showered with sharp glass while suddenly exposed to green spandex?

Harry and every passenger in the car, except Kakashi, found themselves covered in a foul, sticky mucus-like substance that smelled like sun baked donkey-ass and rancid meat pureed in a blender, fed to a cat, vomited back up, and coupled with faintest spritz of lavender.

"Oh no! We must protect Poteru Hari's youth!" cried a man with teeth blindingly white, shining bowl-cut hair, and massive eyebrows that resembled big, black, fuzzy caterpillars.

The car was filled with stinking goo and general panic as the two green spandex clad clones shouted loudly in Japanese as they spun in dramatic circles striking curious poses.

"Youth!" ...twirl.

"There is nothing more spectacular than youth!" ...spin.

"But there is!" ...jig.

"Gasp!" ...pose.

"Youth and hard work!" ...furious crotch thrusting followed by dramatic pose.

"Oh, Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

And they burst into tears, hugging, Stink Sap squishing between them like jelly between a giant, green sandwich.

Harry didn't think anything worse could happen at the moment, surrounded by crazed shinobi and covered in what could possibly could be the second most disgusting thing he have ever come in contact with (first being Draco Malfoy), but once again, Harry thought wrong.

Cho Chang had taken that moment to enter the train compartment. And why?

BECAUSE GOD HATES HARRY POTTER.

Harry stared at Cho, Cho stared at Harry. The only sounds penetrating the insufferably awkward silence was the dripping of stink sap, and the various noises emitting from the identical duo twirling in the center of the compartment. The Boy Who Lived spat out a mouthful of something undoubtedly foul just as Cho looked as if she wanted to speak.

She didn't. Instead, she opted to close the door silently and slowly.

Harry felt his heart drop into his stomach and dissolve in a pool of peptic acid the moment the door clicked shut. His hopes... his dreams... gone.

Naruto opened his mouth to drain out the slime, his eyes tearing up from the stench, Sasuke and Sakura blinked in shocked silence, and Kakashi turned a page, completely dry, and free of the green mucus.

'Why didn't HE get hit?' thought Harry furiously. He was beginning to grow an extremely passionate dislike towards ninja.

"Rival I challenge you!"

"No."

"I challenge you to a challenge!"

"No."

"Youth!" chorused the smaller clone.

"No."

And after much debate, (which involved swirling, twirling, crying, hugging... and some very visually unsettling poses) Kakashi finally said:

"Fine."

Queue victory dance.

"I challenge you to a test of hygiene. The cleanest opponent is the victor," monotoned the white haired shinobi while looking not the least bit enthusiastic.

Queue over reacted devastation.

"I LOST!" cried the larger one, who was covered in slime so had obviously... lost.

"YES, YOU HAVE!" cried the smaller, who was also covered in slime.

"I MUST ROLL TO KONOHA... BACKWARDS!" cried the larger.

"YES, YOU MUST!" cried the smaller.

And he was gone, leaving the same way he came, through the window in a shower of glass and serving up yet another mouthful of stink sap to everyone in range. Except Kakashi.

"DYNAMURIC EXITU!"

And for a moment, there was only the sound of stunned sputtering and the occasional cough in the tiny, moving train car, whose every each crack and crevice was filled with stinking green mucus. But the silence was short lived.

"What... IN THE FUCK... was that?" (Naruto)

"It tastes horrible!" (Sakura)

"I'm so sorry!" (Neville)

"It got in my PANTS!" (Naruto. Again)

"..." (Sasuke)

And just when Harry really thought it couldn't get any worse... it did.

CRASH!

"Kaiten!"

"Dammit Neville! PUT THE PLANT AWAY!"

And somewhere... up in Heaven... God was laughing.

x

Hey! I just got back from shopping in San Fransisco! Yaaay!

Reviews equal Happiness.

Type me up some happiness!

...please?

Return to Top