AN: WAAH, OMG! Thank you so much for the reviews, compliments, and correction(s)! I feel particularly glad to receive them, especially corrections, because I can then change them before someone else can see my stupid.

I really should have put this story under humor. Its just that I hadn't planned to make it funny, it was really supposed to be serious. Actually, all humor (that may have even caused hyperventilated laughter) is usually unintentional... except last chapter, and will probably only happen every once in awhile. Am I making sense? No. Probably not. I'm also sorry to admit that this chapter doesn't contain nearly as much humor as the last one...

Anyway, on to teams. If I could, I would put every Narutiverse ninja in Hogwarts! But sadly, I can't. So instead, I'm putting roughly fifteen or sixteen. Probably more. Not including the potential missing-nin and possible sannin who may (or may not) make appearances. And why I use YonDaime and not Yondaime? I know the latter is easier, but I saw the first on a Naruto official fansite, so decided to use it.

Now, special thanks to Morena Evensong, Carved Wolf of Emerald, CloudKat and bookworm51485 for your longer-than-normal, insightful reviews! They seriously make my day, and it doesn't even have to be flattery, (like bookworm51485's review for example). Just knowing that you took the time to read my fic and tell me what you think in a review (no matter the length) makes me feel all happy inside.

And pairings? I've decided that there will be none. (way before the suggestions, just so you know, though I was glad to get them) I'm really bad at romance anyway, especially since I really don't want this fic to focus all on pairings. Most likely just a subtle mix of het and shounen-ai, certainly not enough for anyone else to notice either one... except me, since they're there mostly for my own amusement.

x

"Orochimaru-sama, the Four Sound have returned."

"Empty handed I presume, Kabuto."

"Hai, Orochimaru-sama, but not entirely. Even though it's too late for the transfer... Uchiha Sasuke-kun... we do know his whereabouts."

"Is that so? Ready the replacement transfer and send in the Four. And Kabuto?"

"Hai, Orochimaru-sama."

"Where exactly is Uchiha Sasuke-kun?"

"You would be unpleasantly surprised."

"Try me."

x

"Hogwarts."

"Hog...what? Where the hell is that?"

"I dunno. Some other dimension or something. The owl gave me the scroll."

"What did it say?"

"Just some old guy who knew Otou-sama requesting a year-long mission. And it looks like Konohagakure's Hokage was killing off the birds before they got this far, that last one even had a kunai stuck in it. Shit! I can see why... The jiji's offering is damn impressive."

"Huh."

"And... a sake cup. I wonder what for?"

"Should we ready the preparations, then?"

"Yeah."

"I'll inform Gaara."

x

"So, what's happening now, Hinata?"

"Gai-sensei is leaving... he went through the window and everyone got sprayed again."

"Oi! Look out the window, there he is! Why is he rolling? Backwards?"

"What was that sound?"

"Lee-san's crying, and Neji-niisan and Tenten-san just came through the window. He just activated Kaiten to repel the slime. Tenten-san has the boy with the plant in a headlock. She has a kunai... Neji-niisan can see us. Wave 'hello', everyone."

"And how about now?"

"A red haired girl came in. Tenten threw a kunai past her head. The other girl's taking out her stick."

"Damn."

"Duck, Shikamaru."

"Shit!"

"Get down, Shikamaru!"

"...how troublesome."

x

Naruto had thought it especially hilarious and entertaining (in a destructive, traumatizing kind of way) when Team Five arrived. First it was Gejimayu and Gejimayu-sensei spinning and posing dramatically, followed by Neji, Tenten, and a whole lot of annoying dialogue.

The only sane members of Team Five had crashed through the window last with the Hyuuga prodigy Kaitening away the inevitable spray of slime and Tenten almost killing Neville and Ron's sister, who had put up one hell of a fight. She had launched a specialized chakra blast, or a hex, which Neji immediately repelled, sending it flying through the wall into Teams Eight and Ten's train compartment. Shikamaru would have had his head blown off if it weren't for Ino and Chouji who pulled him away just in time.

And it was after Ron's little sister fully understood the completely understandable misunderstanding, thanks to Harry, did Ron and Hermione finally decide to show up with Hermione successfully banishing the icky green plant excrement. The bushy haired girl also provided the newly arrived genin with translation button pins, which again, featured pictures of house elf liberation. Naruto didn't even know what the hell a 'house elf' was, how in the world was he going to 'set it free from the lead shackles of oppression?'

Hermione vaguely reminded Naruto of some sort of horribly pushy dictator after she had practically threatened them a stick-point, as opposed to gun-point (compliments of Naruto's humor), to don those horribly unfashionable, uncomfortable, and extremely ridiculous black dresses. She had even went so far as saying their forehead protectors went against 'standard uniform regulation.'

Naruto was totally and completely convinced that he would look much, much better in his blinding bright orange ninja uniform, and he voiced his opinion, loudly. She had rejected such protesting, and when he had asked her what the hell was wrong with what he was wearing, she had answered: "What the hell is right with it?"

And after a brief shouting match debating the importance of how forehead protectors and the color orange personified his individuality, (cut short due to a Transportation Circle attack), Naruto, the rest of the shinobi, and the notorious trio of wizard hosts were off, with Ron and Hermione leading a large group of short, wide eyed kids away and out of sight. This had left Harry with the thirteen ninja; staring off in the direction his friends had disappeared until he made his way into a larger group of older witches and wizards taking a forest path.

Naruto felt sort of bad for him, even he had sensed the light animosity growing between the shinobi and the boy they were supposed to protect. But maybe animosity was a strong word. 'Well, either way,' thought Naruto, 'There's no reason to not make new friends.'

"Hey, Harry!" grinned the blonde, bouncing ahead of his companions and up to the other boy, "Where are we going?"

Naruto saw him jump in surprise, (he does that a lot), and say, "Oh, Naruto. We... ah... we're going this way. But you guys still need to be sorted, so I'm pretty sure you were suppose to leave with Ron and Hermione."

"Oh," Naruto replied "What's sorting?"

"Its when you're put in houses that fit your character. After you get sorted, your house is like your family, you eat with them, sleep with them, and take classes with them."

The fuck? Sleep with them? What kind of 'sleep with them' was he talking about? Naruto pushed the distressful image of himself and Sasuke sharing a bed, and instead asked "So, everyone is the same?"

"Well, kinda..."

"That's a weird way to promote team work," Harry, in turn, gave him a questioning look. "In our village, you're split into teams with genin's who are completely different from each other so that way we all have strengths that pick up on each other's weaknesses... or at least, that's what Kakashi-sensei told me."

"Ah, yes. Wise, wise words, Naruto!" the white haired shinobi voiced happily, effectively scaring Harry, again, "Nice to know you learned something from me."

Naruto rubbed the back of his head and chuckled lightly, reveling in the praise. But his short lapse in attention caused him to bump into Harry, who had stopped walking abruptly, coming to the end of the forest path and up to what could only be described as a big, wide road. But it wasn't the road that caused Naruto to gape in awe.

"Whoa! What the hell are those things?"

Apparently, he wasn't the only one. The collective group of genin, chuunin, jounin, and Harry stared in complete silence when they laid eyes upon the strange winged creatures harnessed to huge, purple carriages. They were the size of a large horse, and would have vaguely resembled one more, if they didn't look as if said horse had infused with the bastard child of a dragon, skeleton, and a bat.

"Harry, Harry! What are they?" Naruto asked again, but more urgently. Harry just shook his head. The look on his face was just as clueless as their's.

"They were never there before" said Harry. Naruto just stared until someone pushed him from behind. It was Sasuke.

"Well, get in." urged the Uchiha crossly, referring to the purple carriages. Once again, Naruto's face was blank with confusion, but then broke out into a large grin. Sasuke in turn, scowled lightly.

"So, you're talking now, Sasuke?" he laughed, "Geez, some dudes have sticks up their asses... but you? You grow trees."

"Shut up and get in the carriage, dobe!"

"Alright, alright!" Naruto cried as he jumped into said carriage, followed by Sasuke, Sakura, Kakashi-sensei, Team's Eight, Ten, Five and Harry. The carriage was ...freakishly large, and didn't take long before it was filled with the chatter of various languages; both Japanese, English, and dog.

During the ride, Naruto had tried his hardest to strike up a conversation with the dazed Harry, along with Kiba, Sakura-chan, Ino, Lee, Chouji, and Hinata (who wasn't much help, seeing as she wasn't much of a conversationalist to began with). But their efforts were soon to be proved futile, the lone wizard just wasn't up for it. He would repeatedly trail off thoughtfully in the middle of sentences, staring out the window, with Naruto giving up after multiple attempts and allowing the carriage to fall into a restless silence, until Neji (uncharacteristically) spoke up.

"They're quite fascinating, neh?" said the boy, who at the time was staring at the wall just behind Harry's head.

"They are, Neji-niisan." replied Hinata, who's eyes were closed at the moment.

Naruto watched as Harry, in a very impolite way, tore his gaze away from the window to fix it on Hinata and Neji, unblinking and confused.

"What's fascinating?" he asked after a lengthy period of staring.

"The animals pulling our carriage..." replied Neji apprehensively, who then, after some time, added, "And I'm sorry," in a cold, irritated tone that only he and Sasuke could pull off successfully, "but may I ask you to look elsewhere? Your staring is disturbing and unsettling."

"You... you can... see me?" gaped Harry, who had probably also noticed that Neji wasn't even looking in his general direction at the time of his request, "How can you see anything?"

"With my eyes?"

"But, aren't you blind?"

"Do I look blind?"

"Yes!"

And then there was silence, with an indignant Neji and a slightly fuming Harry glaring at each other from opposite sides of the carriage.

But the awkwardness of the situation would come to an end as soon as the large carrier slowed to a clean stop, signaling their arrival. With this, everyone jumped out of the vehicle, (Harry with a sudden burst of enthusiasm) and joined a growing crowd of students varying in height at the front of two massive oak doors. Naruto was awed, again. They left him nostalgic of the doors that lead in and out of his home town.

The collective group of shinobi all stole one last glance at the strange, winged creatures that had granted them transportation before following Harry to the doors with the rest of the students. The teams had unconsciously fallen in step with their team mates with Kakashi-sensei leading the way, but still moving in a unit of thirteen people behind Harry. They were there to protect him, after all.

It wasn't long before the gigantic doors began to creak open, and Naruto watched as little by little, the view behind them began to broaden, the now silent crowd of countless students filing inside.

Amazement. That was definitely the word. Naruto was overcome with one of the strongest sensations of amazement that he had experienced upon arriving to the foreign dimension as soon as he walked through those doors and into an enormous, lavish hall. It was lined with four long, long tables, each supporting it's own color scheme, that were quickly starting to become occupied with chatty witches and wizards. But it was the ceiling that grabbed the most attention.

The ceiling was a perfect replication of the sparkling night sky, accented by the hundreds of brightly burning candles floating above them. Naruto and the rest of the shinobi were enchanted, if only for a moment.

"First years! First years and new comers!"

The Konoha ninja, who were ready to follow Harry to the table he was (quickly) retreating towards, stopped in their tracks. It was a tall, thin woman with a demeanor that all but demanded attention. Like Tsunade-bachan when she was angry, except colder.

"This way please!" she called, and they complied, joining in with a fairly large group of short, wide eyed witches and wizards. Naruto was safe to think that he and his companions looked strangely out of place, even though dressed in the foreign garb of black robes. Their hair, eyes, height, and general attitudes just may have been the reason why.

"For the sake of those who may have missed my first explanation," said the woman, her voice sounding chipped with a subtle kind of agitation as she pointedly gave the shinobi a look that was, in response, pointedly ignored, "I will spare another."

Naruto gave his team members a look of confusion. Wait, who had missed the first explanation?

"You are standing before the Sorting Hat," she said, gesturing to an unsightly rag resting upon a wooden stool, gray and dejected, its many frays draped down towards the floor in a way that no matter what way Naruto looked at it, the word 'hat' just didn't come to mind. "And when I call your name, you will come up, sit on the stool where I place the hat on your head, and you will be sorted into your respectable houses." She then turned away from the large group of new, unsorted students and their sorted audience sitting at the long tables, to unravel a fairly long scroll.

"Oi! Ooooi!" and who else could it be? "Then what happens?" someone could be seen jumping up and down excitingly, a bright blonde head bobbing comically in the middle of the crowd, along with a raised hand waving frantically. The company surrounding him, in response, cringed in unison and edged carefully away.

The thin, snippity woman only stared in shock for awhile, before adding, "Then you are to sit at your new house table."

"How can it tell?" asked... who else? Naruto had fired yet another question, successfully shooting all expectancy straight to hell. His hand was still raised as he took no note of the stares he was receiving.

"Well," snapped the woman, "if you are so curious as to why, then you will go first!"

Naruto broke into an grin as he jumped into the air, his cheer echoing back to him in the hall that was so silent it may as well have been empty. But as soon as his toes hit the ground, something freakishly unusual happened.

A particularity large rip in the hat split open widely, forming a mouth as it spontaneously broke into song.

The giant hall listened patiently as the hat spoke of the relationship between the founders of Hogwarts, the need for unity and unforeseen dangers of the future (all of which Naruto, or any of the other shinobi for that matter, hadn't understood). But the really amazing thing about it, was that the whole thing rhymed. And when it was finished, the entire audience broke out in frenzied applause, much to Naruto's surprise. He had found the little show entertaining and amusing at most, but it didn't deserve that much.

"Naruto Uzumaki!" the mentioned boy's head snapped to attention, falling upon the woman from before. Why was she calling his name? How did she even know his name? "Well, come on then!"

Naruto felt his legs began to move, picking through the crowd and to the stage with the stool that the singing hat had sat.

"Now sit."

And he did, immediately feeling something soft and dusty fall on top his head and over his eyes with a little more force than necessary. Now what?

'Ah, a ninja?' said a cool voice that could have originated either right beside his left ear, or deep in the subconscious of his mind, and because of the suddenness and pure weirdness of a hat talking to him through telekinesis, Naruto could do nothing but panic.

"WAAH! It's talking to me! IN MY BRAIN!"

His outburst was met with a ripple of laughter from throughout the hall, much to Naruto's dismay. Why were they wasting their time chuckling when they could be helping him? He moved to rip the piece of clothing off, (because really, what crazy, sick person would create a Mind Reading Hat No Jutsu? ...Besides Orochimaru, which did absolutely nothing to make the blonde haired genin feel anymore comfortable with the damned thing on his head), but stopped when it addressed to him again.

'Settle down now, settle down,' chuckled the invisible voice from nowhere, 'I'm not here to hurt you, or tell of your... secret.'

Secret? It took Naruto a moment to digest the meaning behind those words. Then it hit him like a punch in the gut... with his heart stopping for one, painful moment.

And as a wide grin split his face on the outside, he deflated in dread on the inside.

"Heh, what are you talking about?" he whispered quickly. "I don't have any secrets!" ...How did he know that?

'You have something terrible inside of you,' stated the hat simply. 'Its bitter, its angry, and its waiting to be freed. And because of that, sorting you becomes especially difficult.' Naruto brought a hand up to his belly instinctively, his smile cracking and falling away with every word whispered in his ear until it fell away completely. 'I'm not sure which mind to focus on, the vicious one, although you may not notice, interferes quite a lot. Now that I see it, it's really quite tragic, this vicious mind that stays with you always. I see you're afraid of the possibility of it taking over, and for good reason. Ah, it's talking to me, you know. It's saying that-'

"Stop it!" snapped Naruto suddenly, cutting off the wretched hat and earning startled looks from the audience. His voice had been desperate, and now his breath was beginning to come in shaky gasps. "Just... stop."

"I'm sorry, I got carried away. It's not often I get such an interesting mind... and a shinobi no less. But... you are strong, brave, and generally happy... despite the dark memories you suppress. I've decided that you only belong in one house.'

"Really?"

"Gryffindor!"

This time, the hall erupted with cheering and applause, mostly from one table, and he guessed that's where he had to go. Naruto gingerly made his way over, finding a seat beside Harry and Ron, trying to mend his broken smile all the while. Before he sat down, he threw a cautious glance over to his team mates and companions, who in turn were giving him various looks of confusion and concern.

Naruto hoped, as he finally took a seat beside Ron, that he could trust the hat with what may as well be his life.

x

Sasuke watched as Naruto carefully lifted himself off the stool and walk towards the cheering table with a smile that, despite the broadness, looked particularly dull and lifeless. The Uchiha boy was secretly wondering what could have happened to shatter the unbreakable smile Naruto wore, but he wasn't able to for long.

"Sasuke Uchiha!"

What, were they just going to call up all the shinobi one by one now?

It took Sasuke a fair amount of inconspicuous pushing and glaring to get his way to the stool, seeing as how everyone in his way seemed too nervous to take note of his presence. He should have just katon goukakyuu-ed a path through the little bastards, it would have been simpler, faster, and less irritating.

And he sat, with the hat immediately landing on his head and covering his eyes.

'Oh ho! You're quite the dark one.'

The hand that Sasuke lifted to straighten the cloth covering his face stopped in mid air. What the fuck? But surprise became revelation and he realized that it must have been a mind reading hat. But... what had it saw in Naruto to cause the boy to look so... devastated?

'That last boy, he was your friend, eh? Your best friend in fact, but now that I see it... just about your only friend,' the hat chuckled as Sasuke felt a rather unpleasant stir somewhere in his stomach region, 'That's... unfortunate for him, isn't it? You know, I had no idea that looking into his mind would cause such a... grievance.'

"What did you do to Naruto?" asked Sasuke softly.

'What I've done to him isn't important at the moment... but what you're planning to do to him is.'

Planning? It took Sasuke a moment to digest the meaning behind those words. Then it hit him like a punch in the gut... with his heart stopping for one, painful moment.

The scowl that he wore faded into a blank stare, he found his eyes drifting to his blonde teammate, but closed them before they could get far. What was the hat talking about?

'And you're just as difficult to sort as he was,' continued the telepathic article of clothing, 'And just like him, you have the potential to be something great. But, unlike him, your ambitions are leading you to a path that will destroy yourself and what little precious things you hold dear.'

"What are you talking about, hat-teme?" bit out Sasuke. By this point, his practiced and perfected scowl, which had found itself on his face once more, deepened into something furiously dark. "You have no right to lecture me."

That may be the case, young man, but it can't be helped now that I see your intentions for just about the only friend that you've ever had.'

Sasuke growled. He had had enough. His hand unconsciously began to inch behind his back to finger the opening flap of his concealed kunai pouch. The hat simply knew too much, and therefore had to be terminated. But the hat, upon sensing it's own attempted murder, muttered a few last words:

'This hatred and bitterness shouldn't stain you like this, young man. You are very much like your friend, but in a different way. The path you decide to choose is obviously the one you were destined to take, but no one should have to choose a path that leads to their own destruction.'

Sasuke's long, pale fingers curled around a kunai just as the hat bellowed out his house name.

The Uchiha boy's feral snarl was drowned out by the Slytherin table's weak cheering, and the hat was pulled off his head, jumping off the stool as if it were burning him. He made his way over to a deserted part of the table with his robes billowing behind him. He ignored the hard look from his sensei, and the concerned stares from the collective of shinobi as he took a seat in a less populated part of the table. He hadn't even bothered to acknowledge the other members of his new house, choosing to face forward, fold his arms in front his face, and emit a fierce killing intent instead.

And Sasuke was ashamed to admit, as he sat in a bitter silence, that for every venomous glance towards Naruto he managed to steal, a silent wound opened up inside.

x

Sakura watched with a pained expression as Sasuke stalked to his table, a kunai gripped in his fist and radiating ferocious killing intent.

At first, it had been Naruto, who looked sick as his grin contorted into a sort of aggrieved scowl just after a few moments of wearing the hat. For all the times she had worked with him, whether on missions, lunch outings, or trips to the hospital (which were more frequent than one would think), she had never seen Naruto look so... devastated. Sakura could honestly say she preferred his annoyingly cheerful smile.

But on Sasuke's turn, he looked nothing short of livid. And when it was over, after the hat was pulled from his head hastily, he left in a cold tantrum.

"Sakura Haruno!"

The pink haired kunoichi gave what she hoped was a barely noticeable jump as her name was called out suddenly. 'What, are we going by teams?' she thought, holding her head up proudly as she walked to the stool. Sakura had felt the sudden need to hold her shinobi pride on her shoulders in the midst of these foreigners.

And she sat, the soft brown hat falling atop her head, its dusty frays falling into her eyes. She had brought up a hand to move them.

'My, what an orderly subconscious you have here, young lady. At least, compared to the last two.'

Sakura blinked. Ah, it was a hat that broke into the mind to determine what house sought one the best.

'And a sharp one, too.'

'Thank you, hat-san.' thought Sakura politely, 'But what did you mean by... "an orderly subconscious?"'

'I just meant that you are psychologically cleaner then the last two... much more. And just as they were, you are quite difficult to sort. You also have a kind of dual personality.'

'Ah.' thought Sakura, 'What made them so mentally disorderly, hat-san?'

'Oh, memories mostly. I promised not to tell which ones exactly.'

'I can understand.'

'Yes,' agreed the hat, 'you are very understanding indeed. Quite loyal, definitely smart... extremely so, in fact. Very much like your friends when it comes to potential... plenty of it... you hold traits of most of the houses, but I've decided you belong in only one.'

"And which one would that be?"

"Ravenclaw!"

Sakura beamed brightly as her new table cheered heartily, which was, much to her delight, right beside Sasuke's. She moved off the stool to the back, choosing a seat that allowed her to almost sit beside the forlorn Uchiha boy. The pink haired kunoichi felt it the least she could do to bring him out of his brooding.

And as she sat, Sakura couldn't help but notice that her cell had been separated into completely different houses. She really had been hoping that they all could be together in one ever since Harry-san had explained what a house generally was. 'I mean, we are a team, after all,' she thought.

Not that she hadn't been expecting it. She had the strangest feeling that this could be an event foretelling the fate of Team Seven... maybe they just weren't meant to stay together... or worst... Sasuke just wasn't meant to stay with her... and for some horrible reason, she was remembering the day they had left to the wizarding world. Kakashi had found her sitting patiently on a bench along the only path that lead out of Konohagakura, and to be honest, at that time she wasn't even sure what she was waiting for.

Sakura gratefully pushed the troubling thoughts aside as she focused her attention on the stage, where the next shinobi was to be sorted.

x

School starts in a little more than a week... is anyone else depressed?

I am.

I'd feel better if you reviewed. Seriously. It makes me sad that about half the people author alerting and a fourth of the people faving didn't review... (sobs) But... as of this second... I have exactly 6,000 page views! Whooo!

Also, go to wikipedia and search either Jiraiya, Tsunade, or Orochimaru (after you review). You'll be surprised, if you don't already know, of course.