Chapter Nineteen: Hard Love

Craig

I can't be gay. There's no way. It's just not possible. Alex is the gay twin, I'm the straight twin. That's the way it's always been and it can't change now. I can't do this. I can't fall for a guy. I'm not gay.

I'll just go to Emma's, tell her I made a huge mistake, and we'll get back together. I really do love her, and I'll stay with her for the rest of our lives to prove that I'm straight. We can get married eventually, have kids, and be a family.

But it wouldn't feel right, would it? Because my whole life, I'd still be thinking about Spinner. And I'd wonder what would have happened if I just let him love me. Why does life have to be so difficult? Why does it have to be full of these decisions that define who you are? Why do I have to be gay?

I knew I'd never really be happy with Emma, no matter how much I wanted to be. She was a really good friend, but that was about it. Really good friends are important though. I realized then how crappy I'd treated her. I owed her an explanation, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to share my thoughts with anyone other than my sister.

What if Emma didn't understand? What if no one understood? What if Alex was the only person who ever got me? I was afraid of the answers to all of those questions, but I knew I had to find out eventually.

Manny

I woke up and felt someone's arms around me. When I opened my eyes, I instantly remembered what happened the night before. I reached out and touched Jay's cheek. His eyelids fluttered and he slowly opened his eyes.

"Good morning," he said softly, a smile spreading across his face.

"Hey," I said back. I leaned forward and kissed his cheek. "Last night was…nice." I sat up and pulled the blanket over my chest after realizing it was bare. I grinned, embarrassed, as he sat up next to me.

"It was nice but also…"

"Awkward?" I offered. He nodded.

"So we're just friends then," he said. I laughed and agreed.

"But thanks. I needed to feel safe and you helped." I hugged him and was about to say something else when the door opened.

"Manny, Mom wants you to…oh. Sorry…"

"And I guess you're my new brother," I said to the blonde boy standing in front of us.

"I'm Jay. You're Peter, right? Vice President of The Equality Club?" Jay asked.

"Yep that's me. I was also just leaving. But anyway, Manny, Mom wants you to get up now so you're not late for school. I'm gonna suggest that Jay goes out the window to avoid any conflict…" he said before shutting the door and leaving.

"Well, you heard the man," Jay said, standing up. He found his shirt and pants somewhere on the floor and got dressed. "I'll see you at lunch," he told me before climbing out the window.

After he was gone, I finally got up out of bed. I gathered a bunch of my stuff and got a shower as quickly as I could. Once I was dressed, I made my way out to the kitchen, where Sarah and Peter were already eating breakfast.

"Good morning Manny," Sarah said with a big smile on her face. "I made some pancakes and eggs for breakfast but if you don't like those, there's cereal in the cabinet," she told me.

"Pancakes are fine," I said, taking what appeared to be my seat at the table.

So Peter was my foster brother. I had seen him around school, but we'd never spoken to each other before. He was really kind of a loner, and didn't really fit in with any of the cliques. I instantly felt bad for him because now I understood how he must feel all the time. Now I knew what it felt like to live with a family that wasn't yours to begin with.

It was like being completely alone even when there were other people in the room. It just wasn't the same as home.

Marco

"We need to talk." Those were the first words Jay Hogart had ever spoken to me. It's not like we didn't like each other; we'd just never found a reason to talk before. He'd been waiting for me by my locker that morning.

"Yeah, we do," I sighed. "When?"

"Can you skip your first class? It's really important. I'll drive us somewhere, away from here," he offered.

"Sure," I agreed.

And with those few words, we were somehow already bonded. Maybe not best friends, but we knew that something wasn't right and that we were both involved.

Jay drove us to the mall, but we didn't go inside. We got out of the car and he sat on the hood, while I paced back and forth in front of him. How would I begin to tell him something that he didn't know about his own best friend?

"How long has Paige been living at your house?" he asked, starting the conversation for me.

"Not that long. A little less than a week," I told him.

"Why? She said it had something to do with Steve, but I don't get why she didn't come to me. I'm her best friend. I was her only friend until you. I know Steve was a total asshole but how did it get so bad that she had to move out?" He had so many questions and just kept blurting them out. I stopped him when I put a hand down on his shoulder.

"Steve's been doing more than just calling Paige names. She was afraid to tell anyone. She was embarrassed and she didn't want to add to your problems."

"What has he been doing to her?" he asked with a look of panic on his face.

"He was touching her and kissing her. He pushed her down on her bed and was forcing himself on her that night she broke his nose," I said.

"I was outside in the car that night. Did he…"

"No, he didn't. At least, that's what she said," I added.

"I can't believe I didn't notice that she was lying to me about what he was doing to her. All she told me was that he called her names, and I believed her," Jay said, hanging his head.

"There's more." His head snapped back up and he looked like he was going to cry. "She was cutting herself, Jay. To deal with it all."

"No, Paige would never hurt herself. She's not like that," he disagreed.

"I saw the scars. I saw her do it. I know it's really hard to believe, but she was."

"I have to talk to her," he said, jumping off the car. "But first, we have to talk about Manny."

"What do you know about Manny?" I asked, suddenly very worried. It was like Jay and I switched places and switched girlfriends. Except for the fact that Paige wasn't his girlfriend.

Ellie

"Can we talk?"

I looked up to see my former best friend standing over my lunch table.

"It must be important if you skipped a class just to be here," I said. She sat down across from me and sighed.

"I'm so sorry Ellie," she blurted out. It looked like she was close to tears. "You're my best friend and I never meant to hurt you. I didn't mean what I said to you before class that day. I've just been going through some stuff. I know there's no excuse for treating anyone like crap, but I can't go back and change anything. I just hope you'll forgive me."

I wasn't sure what to say. I could've used my best friend these past couple of weeks, but even though I was angry with Manny, I couldn't hold a grudge. I needed her before and I definitely needed her now.

"I forgive you," I said, reaching across the table and holding onto her hand for a moment.

"How's Alex? I have nothing against you dating a girl. I think it's great that you found someone you can relate to. What's been going on with her?" she asked me as if we'd never been fighting.

"Nothing," I said, sighing. "Mom found out and freaked. So I dumped her and pretended that it meant nothing. I did it to make Mom happy, but it just made me depressed. I miss her so much," I said, finally able to get it off my chest.

"You have to get her back! Screw your mom. Parents don't always know what's best for you. Tell Alex the truth. She's probably hurting just as much as you are," Manny told me.

"This is why I've needed you," I said, smiling for the first time that day. "I'm gonna take that advice. So, what's been going on with you? I knew you weren't acting like yourself these past few months."

"Ever since my mom left…my dad hasn't been the same," she said. She got teary eyed again.

"What happened?" I asked, very concerned.

"He was hurting me," she admitted as tears started falling from her eyes. "He'd just get so angry at little things, and slap me, or throw me up against the wall. I had bruises everywhere and Jay noticed."

"Oh my God Manny, I'm so sorry that I didn't realize it was happening!" I told her.

"It's not your fault. I guess it was easier for someone who doesn't know me so well to see what was wrong. Jay could tell I was lying. And he told Ms. Sauvé. They took me away from my dad and now I'm in foster care," she said, crying even more. "I just want my mom back."

I hurried around the table and pulled Manny into my arms. We hugged for what seemed like forever. I wished that I'd been there for her like I should have been.

"I'm so sorry," I repeated.

"It's not your fault," she said again.

Spinner

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get Craig out of my head. I kissed him and he freaked out. But then he kissed me in the bathroom. And then he freaked out again. Ever since our second kiss, he ignored me whenever he saw me. He acted like I wasn't even there, and that really hurt.

I could handle him calling me names and pushing me around. At least then, he was acknowledging that I existed. I couldn't handle being invisible, so I approached him again at lunch.

"Can we talk?" I asked. He was sitting with Alex. I realized then that I hadn't talked to her since any of it happened. And when Craig answered me, I chickened out.

"No."

"Actually, I was talking to Alex," I lied. He almost looked…hurt. Alex turned around and got up, following me out into the hallway.

We sat down on the floor against some lockers. When I finally looked at her, I realized how horrible she looked. She had dark circles under her eyes like she hadn't slept since I last talked to her, and she looked like she was losing weight.

"You okay?" I asked her. She shook her head and a tear rolled down her cheek. "I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in awhile. I've just been caught up in my own drama."

"I know," she said softly. "Don't feel bad about Craig. He's just trying to figure himself out," she told me. "He's just having a hard time dealing with being gay."

"I should say the same to you about Ellie. I saw her yesterday and she looked terrible."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Alex asked me.

"No, but it's supposed to help you realize that she's hurting too. Just like I guess Craig is hurting. We're all mixed up in this stupid love crap. It's hard to love someone who doesn't return your feelings," I sighed.

"Tell me about it. I really miss her," she said, starting to cry again.

"And I really miss Craig. I'd give anything to just go back to being friends. At least then he talked to me."

"Yeah," she agreed.

I turned to her and hugged her then, because I couldn't think of anything else to do. I hoped that Craig and Ellie would hurry up and figure themselves out before I gave up on love and Alex wasted away to nothing.

Jay

"Manny's been having some problems of her own," I told Marco after a long pause. He looked at me without saying anything. I assumed he was waiting for me to explain, so I did. "The reason she was being so bitch to everyone is because she was trying to distance herself. She didn't want anyone to find out what was happening to her."

"What was happening?" he asked frantically.

"Her dad was hurting her; beating her."

"WHAT?!?" Marco yelled. "How could I have missed that?"

"The same way I missed Paige's cutting. When you're really close to someone, it's hard to imagine that something bad is happening to them, especially if they lie about it. I'm sure you trusted Manny to tell you the truth, so you never thought she lied to you about anything," I explained.

"How did you find out?"

"I saw the bruises. I knew you weren't hurting her; especially since she got more after you two broke up. I confronted her about it and she tried to lie, but that didn't work. She eventually confessed and I told Ms. Sauvé because I didn't want it to happen anymore."

"What happened after that?" he asked.

"She was taken from him. I don't know what's happening to her dad, but Manny lives with a foster mother now. And a brother; Peter from your club," I added.

"Why didn't Peter tell me at one of the meetings?"

"Because last night was her first night there. I'm sure he didn't know about it the last time he saw you."

"I have to see her now," he said, about to get back in the car.

"There's one more thing I have to tell you," I said, sighing. I didn't want to say it, but I figured I should tell him so Manny didn't have to explain.

"What?" he asked, taking his hand off the door handle.

"Manny asked me to stay with her last night, because she was scared. And we had sex."

I closed my eyes and braced myself. I waited for Marco to charge me and start punching me, but I didn't even hear him move. I opened my eyes again and found him staring at me.

"I'm sorry," I said. "But you were broken up, so it's not like she was cheating on you or anything."

"How could you take advantage of her like that?" he asked, making it sound like I was a terrible person.

"I didn't! She asked me to and I thought it would make her feel better. It was a little awkward anyway and we agreed that we're better off as friends," I said.

"I guess I have no room to talk. Paige and I would've probably had sex if I hadn't seen her cuts," Marco confessed.

I wanted to scream at him but I didn't. I couldn't pass judgment on Marco since Manny and I actually did sleep together. I wanted to yell that Paige was a virgin and he didn't even know her at all, but I couldn't.

"We need to go talk to them," was all I said. Marco agreed and we both got in the car, ready to finally see them.

Emma

I knew it would never happen. No guy would stay in a relationship that didn't involve sex. Craig said it had nothing to do with it, but I didn't believe him. He wanted someone who would give him what I didn't. And I'd never find someone who loved me without getting some action first.

I wanted Craig back, but since that wasn't going to happen, I settled for the next best thing. I called up Ashley and we went to the ravine.

As soon as I got there, I started drinking. I knew I couldn't do what I was about to do if I was sober. If I got drunk then I at least wouldn't remember any of it in the morning.

A guy approached me as I was on my fifth beer. I didn't even know who he was, but I let him take my hand and lead me to the van that I knew so well.