Disclaimer: I do NOT own Twilight or Edward although having them both on my shelf would be Awesome.

Indecision

"Renee and Charlie will be here soon. I should go." He must have saw the panic that had entered my eyes because he smiled slightly and said, "Don't worry, I'll be back. I need to do some thinking anyways."

EPOV

Those were the last words I had said to my Bella, I didn't know if the words were a lie, and I hoped that they weren't. I couldn't stand to be away from her for longer then necessary. But I just couldn't sit around there and think with a clear head.

Things were getting insane. How could this happen to us? Why is it that when ever we are happy or we over come something, something else lands right into our laps. Why my beautiful Bella? Why my young, intelligent and klutzy Bella? Why couldn't it just be me?

Maybe if it were me dying instead this would be a lot easier. Bella could move on, she would move on. Without a monster like me in her life she would be able to have children, to love someone that deserved her. But then again, no one deserved Bella as far as I was concerned.

I walked down the main hall of the lobby not really paying much attention to where I was going. I walked quicker then I probably should have. This was another reason why I couldn't be here now. My responses and judgments were not on the same page. I was not being rational in the state of mind. I need fresh air. I also needed to hunt, that I did not realize until I walked by a room where someone was obviously bleeding. The hunger erupted in me, giving me just another reason why I shouldn't be with Bella, now or ever.

I walked out of the hospital and jumped in my Volvo. I turned the music off completely and just rolled down the windows. I pulled out of my parking space and sped out of the parking lot. I drove without really knowing where I was going. And somehow I wound up at the spot that would give me the most opportune to think. Our meadow.

I jumped out of the car, needing only moments to tell if anyone was around due to my gift. I ran through the forest, venting my frustration and anguishing pain that had been raging inside of me for the past few days.

How could this be happening to me? No not me, to Her. To my Bella, the one and only person I had ever and would ever love. How did I let this happen to her? How did I let her get sick this bad.

You didn't get her sick Edward; there was no way you could have known. I tried to reason with my self while I ran to the place I thought would help me resolve these problems and indecisions I was having concerning my angel.

I was there moment's later, sun shining on my skin. I stood in the very center of the circle of beauty, arms stretched, engulfed in warmth. I allowed my eyes to close for the time being, to allow the release of the pain and worry that was collapsing inside me.

As soon as the pressure was released from inside me it came back down on me harder then before. I opened my eyes in the pain that was pounding on me. And that really did not help at all.

I realized coming here may not have been the best place to come to make a completely unbiased decision.

This was the place I brought her to show her what happened to me in the sun, and what kind of a monster I was. How I could so easily kill her. And then there were the words that we had spoken to each other. The words of love and then how after we left we had our first kiss.

Thinking of these times drove me to the edge. I ran to the nearest tree and punched a hole straight through it. After that I still felt the pain, so I didn't stop there. I kept hitting the trees in the forest until I decided that the pain was not going to go away, I sat down where I was, surrounded by trees, some standing and others were on the floor in the wake of my actions.

I sobbed, for the first time in I don't know how long, I sobbed. As much as I willed them to come the tears never fell. The frustration of that was starting to make me angry again. But I couldn't let my anger get the better of me again.

I needed to think this through. I needed to figure out what was more important.

Bella's soul

Or

Bella and I together forever

They both were equally as important in my mind. But who was I to make this beautiful angel a monster, a night crawler for the rest of eternity. To never experience the outdoors as a normal person ever again, to never have children or a normal family, to have to live off the lives of innocent creatures? No, Bella was worth more then that. She was better then that and no matter what she deserved the best.

But from what they are saying, Bella wouldn't be alive much longer to have all those things happen anyways. The family, the normal life any of the normal human things would be gone, lost for her to never experience. If I did change her then she could at least experience some form of a life.

No, you can't think like that. You don't know what else Carlisle had found out in the time you were gone. I realized then that I had no idea how l had been here, sulking in the forest, destroying trees and fighting with myself. I decided then that I would go back to the hospital, but only to speak with Carlisle. I needed to know for sure if Bella's condition was… no it couldn't be… Carlisle is the very best doctor. He would be able to fix her. If he couldn't then I didn't know what I would do.

At the thoughts I leapt up and hit another tree. I took in a few unnecessary jagged breaths and ran for the car. When I got there I noticed that the sun had in fact gone down. I had been gone for hours. For how long exactly I still didn't know.

I got in the car and turned it on. I then noticed the time on the dash. 3 am. Great. I lied to Bella. I'm going to have to make this up to her.

I contented myself on the way back to the hospital with ideas to make Bella forgive me. There were many surprises I had in mind. But one over shadowed all others. I would be needing Alice's help for this one. I pulled up to the hospital and as soon as I reached the door no one other then Alice came running up to me.

"Edward! I saw it already; oh it will be just perfect! When?" She asked eagerly, and it had actually taken a moment for me to understand. But then I did and despite the situation a grin spread across my face. This has to be good if Alice is so excited.

"Today, around 4 o'clock. Think you can have it done by then?" I asked her, she got an evil glint in her eyes and she growled. She thought of a few unintelligent words that I had to chuckle at. "Ok, ok, we'll be there at 4. Oh, and thank you Alice." I told her, a serious and somber look spread across my face.

Her face suddenly turned somber too. She looked down at her feet thinking I know why you are here. He is down the hall. Edward, it wont be good, you aren't going to like what you hear. But you need to hear it. I'm going to go. Talk to Carlisle. Then decide.

And with that she left. I was amazed that she was still here considering the time. But then again, Alice loved Bella a lot. Not as much as I loved her, but her love for her was still there. I sighed and walked down the hall, mentally preparing myself for what lay behind this door. The pain would be enormous. But I had to sit here and listen, I had to sit and see if there were any flaws. I had two degrees in Medicine. Maybe I could catch something that he had missed. I just needed an ounce of hope.

I took a deep breath and walked into the room.

He sat there as if waiting for me. He looked to old then, and I could tell the strain this was putting on him.

"Edward," He began, but I held my hand up. I needed to ask questions, I had no time to listen to other things, I just needed the certain information.

"Carlisle, I just need to know one thing. Will she die?" I had to be to the point, there was no point in keeping up the small talk and beating around the bush. I needed the truth.

"Yes," He answered simply. "You see Edward; the cancer has spread to her…" But I didn't hear a thing after that.

The pain that erupted in me was over powering. It started in my head; the confusion and comprehension were starting to make me dizzy. And then the pain went down to my arms, the numbing and tingly sensation was so odd, and then finally it reached my chest. The pain made me feel cripple. Nothing could compare to this feeling. A thousand daggers could never hurt this much. The only thing that I has a hold on in my life, the only thing I knew for sure was how much I loved Bella. Life without her was pointless. Now that I knew what real life was, what it felt like to be complete, I didn't want to go back. My life was empty and I didn't even know it.

I stood suddenly, obviously taking Carlisle of guard. "Edward?"

"Carlisle, tell Bella I will be by this afternoon. Please," I asked him simply, the flat tone of my voice was shocking yet I assumed it would be there when I finally did speak.

"Of course, but Edward, where," I didn't let him finish. I felt bad for being so rude to Carlisle; he was only trying to help me.

"I have to go, please, just tell her." And with that I left, faster then I probably should have, but I had to get out of this place that was consuming me. I hoped it would be better once I reached out doors.

It didn't.

Life was crashing down on me. If Bella died, then I died. Simple as that. I would make my family think that I would be ok, then I would act. I would only have to deal with the pain for a week. Before I even noticed I found myself at my house. This was not where I wanted to be. Everyone would be home and I did not feel like falling apart in front of them.

So I jumped out of my car and ran for the forest. I ran faster then I even thought I could, I didn't know exactly where I was, but it didn't really matter. I collapsed onto the forest floor. Rolling into a ball and hugging my knees. It would look childish I'm sure, but it didn't matter, I didn't care what people thought of me anymore.

I let out an anguished yell that sent birds and wild life running as far from me as seemed possible.

I sat there for hours, thinking of what to do. The sun rose and I still sat in the same position. Dry sobs emanating from my chest.

Bella being a vampire would not be so bad, would it? I mean we would be able to do so many things that we couldn't when she was human, not to mention I would never have to be without her again. I could love her for forever. Be able to kiss her lips for forever, just Bella and me for forever. It would be my own personal heaven to be able to spend eternity alone with Bella. But did she feel the same?

I know that she always says that she wants me to change her, but would she still want it when she was actually one of us? Would she hate me for what I made her into? What if something went wrong? What if Bella could get better? Yes, if she got better then none of this would matter.

I looked up from the ground again and saw that the sun was not directly over my head, but it looked to be either late morning or early afternoon. I couldn't tell so I dashed back to the house, with the thought of a healthy Bella to keep my legs moving. I ran into the house and ran smack into Emmett and Jasper who held me own so that I couldn't move.

"Ok brother, now Esme and Carlisle are worried about you. You aren't going to go do anything stupid are you?" Emmett asked me in his 'big boy voice'. That's what we called it to taunt him when he was acting serious.

"No Emmett, and if you do not let me go Emmett I will tell Rosalie what really happened to her new engine." He raised his eyebrows at me. a mental picture of the deformed object on the floor at his feet and then Rosalie's reaction was all it took to get him to release me immediately, and without Emmett's help, Jasper was no match to hold me down when I didn't want to be and so he let go as well.

I jumped up and ran to my room, leaving them both standing there. I really was being rude to people today, but I couldn't help it. What did they expect from me? To be happy go lucky and passive about the situation? No.

I ran into my bedroom and went to the dresser grabbing the box in the bottom drawer. I looked at the clock and saw that it was 3:15. I didn't want to be late and so I quickly showered and but on a black shirt and a pair of jeans. Bella always said that she liked me in black. I grabbed the box and placed it in my jeans pocket.

I went down stairs and called Alice on her cell phone.

"Alice, is everything ready?" I knew it would be, but I wanted to be positive.

"Of course Edward, are you ready?" I could tell she was mocking me, but I didn't know how to answer her.

"I don't know," I said nervously "I hope so." I added truthfully. We hung up then and I got into my car, I raced to the hospital where Bella waited. I didn't know what to expect when I walked in but it wasn't what happened next.

I hoped that she would yell at me, so I could see some of that life in her eyes. Oh those eyes, the ones I would lose my self in when I wasn't careful. The color of her blush was running through my mind as I walked through the door, lost in the moment and thought I didn't even realize who was in the room.

I looked up to see Jacob a foot from where I was headed. He was sitting on Bella's bed. And worst then that her hand was in his. I looked from there hand to him to Bella's face. But when I looked back at their hands I saw that she had withdrawn hers quickly.

Oh no. I hope that he doesn't try to beat me up. Maybe the flowers were a bit much. Maybe I should go…

He said a few words, my anger got the better of me and I said some more rude words to him. He left in a hurry and I was left alone with my Bella.

Then and there I decided what I would do.

A/N: Hope you liked it. It was hard to write. try to update sooooon