Chapter Twenty-One: The Sound Of My Breaking Heart
Craig
Emma was right. I had to do this. I had to see him before it was too late.
Luckily, my parents never heard me leave the house. I knew I'd be in trouble in the morning, but it was worth it if Spinner and I could at least be friends again. Of course, I didn't really want to settle for friends. I at least wanted another kiss.
I was so desperate that I actually walked to his house. How else would I get there? It was three in the morning, and I didn't have any friends with cars, except Spinner. I probably could've called him up and he probably would've gotten me in a heartbeat—but I wanted to surprise him. I thought it would be better.
I got hopeful when I approached the house and saw Spinner's bedroom light on. The living room light was also on, making me glad that someone else was up too. I prayed I wasn't going to wake his parents up, but that didn't matter, because their car wasn't in the driveway. What were the odds?
When I finally knocked on the door, my hand was shaking. I was so nervous that I thought I would throw up all over the doorstep. As the door opened, I started to get excited. My heart dropped a little when I saw Marco on the other side of the door. Don't be so upset, I told myself. He's Spinner's brother. Of course he might answer the door.
"Hey Craig, what's up? Isn't it a little late for a visit?" Marco asked me. It occurred to me then that Marco didn't really know what was going on at all. I knew he was having problems with Manny, so Spinner must not have told him anything. Or maybe he did, and he was just being civil. To avoid looking like an idiot, I answered him.
"Um, I just wanted to see Spinner. We need to talk. I'm sorry if I bothered you," I said.
"Oh no, not at all. I actually just got home from Manny's a few hours ago and I've been watching TV. Spinner's been in his room all night with the music up. I have no idea what he's doing but I figured I would let him have some privacy," he explained.
"Well…do you think I could interrupt him?" I asked.
"Sure, sorry," he said, laughing. "I'm being really rude. Come on in."
He held the door open for me and I slowly stepped inside, squinting against the bright lights. Once my eyes were adjusted, I realized Marco was staring at me.
"Right," I said, turning away from him. "I'll just go upstairs now."
"Good luck," he said to my back. He must've known something if he wished me luck, and that made me get nervous all over again. I knocked on Spinner's bedroom door and nothing happened. The music was still blaring from the other side of the door. It didn't even sound like anything he'd listen to. I knocked again. Still nothing. He must not have been able to hear me. It was stupid of me to think that it was because of the music.
I slowly turned the doorknob and it wasn't locked. So I pushed the door open. The moment I saw him, tears started to drip from my eyes. I didn't actually realize I was crying until I was down the stairs and out the door.
I could hear Spinner calling my name behind me but I just kept running. I blew it. I thought surprising Spinner would be nice. I thought he'd be happy to see me. That maybe he was waiting for me to show up. Well, I obviously thought wrong.
Alex
I couldn't sleep. Turning over and over in bed, trying to find a comfortable position, is not fun. And of course she was the reason. Ellie.
I pretended not to hear Craig sneak out of the house. What did I care? I highly doubted he was going out to party again, and if he was, I'd kick his ass in the morning. I just hoped he was going to see Spinner.
Thinking about him seeing Spinner made me want to see Ellie. But how could I just go see her? She'd been treating me like total shit. I didn't mean much to her if she could move on with Jimmy so fast. I knew it was my fault though. I was too unattractive; too fat. I ignored my stomach rumbling and rolled over again so I could look out the window.
Ellie loved that view of the stars.
Fuck! Why couldn't I get her out of my mind? Because she called. Because she wanted me to come over, I thought to myself. And I didn't go.
I wondered then what she was doing. Was she still waiting for me? Probably not. She was most likely thinking that my fat ass would take too long to walk over there.
Fuck her. I'll show her just how quickly my fat ass could get there.
I got up and threw my clothes on that I wore that day. If Craig could go out, then so could I. The clock read 4:03 am. So what if it was too early? If I had to prove to Ellie that I could get to her house on my own, I would.
It was not as easy as I thought it would be. The last time I walked to her house, I felt fine. But now I was completely out of breath, and sweat was dripping from my forehead. I guess I wasn't exercising enough. That goes to show how fat I really was. I couldn't even walk to her house without getting tired.
I didn't even knock on the door. I was too tired to even raise my fist to knock. I knew her mom wasn't home, so in I went. Luckily for me, it was unlocked. I locked it behind me, so no crazies could get in, and proceeded to her bedroom. I didn't get all the way there though, because I found her asleep on the couch.
She looked so beautiful. She had mascara and eyeliner smudged all over her cheeks, and she was curled up in a little ball. She was wearing a skirt and cute little shirt. Did she do that all for me? Probably. And me, being the asshole that I was, ruined it for her. But why was Ellie crying over me? She was the one who broke up with me. She left me for her mom and never looked back.
Still, she was gorgeous. She was the Ellie that I missed, not the Ellie that made out with Jimmy Brooks in public. And she looked so cold. There were goose bumps all over her arms and legs. I was going to get her a blanket, but then decided against it.
Maybe, just maybe I could fit on the couch behind her and warm her up. I probably couldn't get all my fat into that one little area without shoving her off. I guess it was worth a try, anyway. If I woke her up, then too bad. She deserved a little drop anyway.
Surprisingly, I was able to stuff myself back there. I even had enough room to move forward, up against her back. I guess it was a bigger couch than I thought.
I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her neck. She didn't even move at all. It was like she didn't feel me there at all. I tried to pretend that it was just like old times, but it didn't feel that way. Not one bit.
Spinner
"I can't believe that just happened," I said angrily, pulling my jeans and a t-shirt on.
"I thought that shit only happened in the movies," Sean said, laughing.
"It's not funny! He probably thinks that…"
"What, that we're getting back together? Would that be so horrible?"
"This was just a one time thing Sean! Fuck, I only invited you over because Craig wouldn't answer my calls."
"Thanks for using me," he replied.
"Shut up. You were using me too. I know you only called and wanted to hang out because you broke up with Ashley due to her slutty-ness."
"Look on the bright side. Maybe Craig didn't see anything. Maybe he just saw us without shirts and freaked. We could say that we were exercising or something," he said. He was grinning, and that pissed me off.
"Yeah Sean, we were wrestling naked for exercise. He saw your fucking lips wrapped around my dick! I don't think he's off making any assumptions. He knows what he saw and he's off running around town trying to get it out of his mind!" I yelled.
"Everything okay in here?" I heard my brother ask from the doorway. "Shit," he muttered when he saw Sean. "I wouldn't have ever let him in if I knew your ex was here."
"I have a name Marco," Sean said impatiently.
"I need to go find him," I said, pushing past Sean and moving around my brother.
"Just let him cool off," Sean told me.
"Mind your own business!" I yelled at him.
"This is my business!" he yelled right back. "We were having a good time before that ass showed up. He's been calling you a faggot in the hallways and acting like you don't exist, but you're worried about him?" Sean actually looked hurt, and I almost felt guilty, but then I came back to my senses.
"You just can't handle the fact that I care about him. You want me to be miserable like you are because your girlfriend will have sex with anyone but you!"
"I'm gonna mind my own business and go to bed," I heard Marco say. After he left, Sean stepped forward and shoved me.
"You don't know a thing about me and Ashley so stay out of it!" he screamed.
I shoved him back, suddenly really pissed off. Sean was keeping me from finding Craig. Something bad could happen to him while he was out there, upset. I knew I wouldn't get out of this fight that easy, though. Sean was one of those "tough guys" and if someone threatened him, he threatened right back.
He grabbed me and pinned me up against the wall, swearing and spitting in my face. I didn't hear anything he was saying to me though. He was so close to me that the words just weren't hitting me. They were hitting the wall behind me, maybe. I was just trying to focus on Craig.
The plan was to let Sean get his spiel out and take out all his frustration, then get out of there as quickly as possible. That plan didn't last too long though. Sean started saying shit about Craig. As soon as I heard Craig's name, all of his words hit my ears. And that pissed me off even more.
With all of the strength I had in me, I shoved him to the ground and punched him in the face. It hurt my hand—oh it hurt so much. I jumped off of him and he just lay there for a minute, looking stunned.
"Better be careful. That's how I broke my hand." I looked up to see Paige standing a few feet away, holding her cast up.
"I'm sorry for waking you up. I completely forgot you were staying here," I said, sighing.
"It's okay. At least we don't have school tomorrow," she said. Before I could reply, Sean slowly stood up and blocked her from my view.
"Oh…" he said softly, looking at the floor. There was a little spot of blood on it. I looked up at his face and saw more blood trickling out of his nose, forming a puddle in his hand.
"Are you okay?" Paige asked, taking a few steps toward him.
"Don't come near me!" he yelled, running across the hall, into the bathroom.
Paige and I exchanged looks before following him.
"He must be embarrassed that I made him bleed," I said with a chuckle.
"Spinner!" he yelled from the other side of the door. "Did you get any blood on your hand?"
"Why?" I called back. The door flew open and he looked horrified. His nose was plugged up with toilet paper, and I wanted to laugh, but the look on his face told me that I shouldn't.
"Let me see!" he hissed. I obediently held up my hand, feeling very confused. "Good," he said, letting out a small sigh.
"Is your nose broken?" Paige asked, reminding us both that she was there.
"No, it's fine. Let me go clean the blood up, okay? Don't go near it," he warned.
"Why does it matter so much Sean? It's just blood. It's not gonna hurt anyone. Just let me help you," I told him.
"NO!" he screamed. "Get away from me!"
"What is your problem?" I screamed right back. Here we go again!
"You want to know what my problem is?" he yelled. "My PROBLEM is that I have HIV!"
I actually stumbled backwards, I was so surprised. What? Sean was HIV positive? When did that happen? We've had sex! He was my boyfriend! Did he have it back then? Do I have it?
All of these thoughts were racing through my head. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I started to get dizzy. Any worries I had about Craig went right out the window. Now I was worried about Sean, and more importantly, myself.
Ellie
I woke up the next morning very scared. I could feel someone behind me and I didn't know who it was. I stiffened my back, and whoever it was tightened their grip. I tried to think back to the night before…
Alex never showed up, did she? No. I cried myself to sleep on this couch.
I looked down at the hands wrapped around me. Those were Alex's hands. I was sure of it. I knew those hands. The thought occurred to me that I might be dreaming. I hoped I wasn't and closed my eyes, whispering,
"Alex?"
Nothing. I could barely hear her breathing and she sure as hell didn't answer me.
People always say that if you think you're dreaming, you should pinch yourself and you'll wake up. Or if you pinch yourself, it'll hurt and you'll know you're not dreaming. Whatever it's supposed to do, I thought of that. Only I didn't pinch myself. I pinched Alex.
Her hand jumped and slipped off of me. Great. So, she wouldn't wake up and now her arm was wedged between her front and my back. Not very comfortable.
I was about to get off the couch and shake her when I heard her voice.
"You shouldn't have left the door unlocked all night. Some crazy person could've come in and kidnapped you," she whispered in my ear.
"Thanks for looking out for me," I said. I felt like everything was back to normal and I couldn't help but smile. And then the moment ended, because Alex sat up and distanced herself from me.
"You can't do that to me," she said, looking away.
"Do what?"
"Try to pretend that nothing has happened and you still love me and make me fall for you again…"
"I do still…"
"You can't even say it Ellie. You let your mom brainwash you and you went along with her stupid shit to make her happy!" she nearly screamed it at me, and there were tears in her eyes.
It was the first time that morning that I actually looked at Alex. I couldn't believe what I saw. There were dark circles under her eyes and I could see her cheekbones protruding from her face. She reminded me of Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but with black hair instead of blonde.
"Alex, you look horrible!" I cried, completely interrupting her.
"You don't have to remind me. I can't help it; I've been stressed. I have to lose weight, okay?" she snapped. She covered her body with her arms, but that didn't help.
"You haven't gained any weight! You've lost at least ten pounds and you were already skinny enough to begin with!" I argued. "Have you even been eating?"
"Stop trying to change the subject Ellie." She crossed her arms over her chest and frowned.
Looking at Alex made me sick. It made me sick to think that I abandoned her and this is what happened. She stopped eating because of what I did. I wanted to smack myself for not noticing it sooner. I'd been trying to preoccupy myself with Jimmy while Alex was starving herself. She thought she was fat, for God's sake! I wanted to cry, so I did.
"What, you want me to feel sorry for you now?" she snapped as she eyed my tears.
"No. Alex I…it breaks my heart to see you like this…to know that it's my fault. You have to eat," I said, trying to convince her.
"I have been eating," she lied, looking away from me.
"No you haven't. Stop lying to me. Just tell me why you would do this. I know that I hurt you and I'm sorry, but why would you stop eating? Did you feel like you couldn't control anything else in your life?"
"You're not my therapist," Alex said, looking back into my eyes. "I don't even have one. You want to know why I stopped?" she asked. I was surprised that she admitted to it, but I just nodded. "Because you broke my heart." It was barely a whisper, but it was enough to bring her to tears. We were both staring at each other, crying over the same situation.
"If I tell you, will you start eating again?" I asked.
"Tell me what?" she said between tears.
"I love you Alex. I love you."
I moved closer to her and looked directly into her eyes to show her that I meant it. I meant it with every piece of my heart.
I knew she understood the moment I felt her lips on mine.
A/N: The next chapter is the last one!