LANFEAR
From various bits of evidence it seems that Lanfear was not among the first to go over to the Shadow, but when she did pledge her soul to the Dark One, it was for the most basic of reasons: love and hate.
- excerpt from 'The Forsaken'
Mierin Eronaile had spent some time lying here, though she knew not for certain how long. For the first few days she had been constantly drifting in and out of consciousness, and it had disoriented her, but it must have been at least a week. Her entire body ached. She had had nothing to do but think for some time, and it wasn't pleasant.
She supposed that, as people had repeatedly told her, she was lucky to have survived the destruction of the Sharom. She only vaguely recalled it happening herself. The last thing she could remember from it was her colleague, Beidomon, channelling to make another adjustment to the experiment. After that she had woken up in burning wreckage with someone talking to her, asking her name, and… she shuddered at the memory, and then regretted it. She would rather concentrate on the immediate pain than reflect on exactly how she had survived the explosion and the subsequent fall.
Most people, Mierin had been informed, would feel grateful to have survived such a disaster, rather than resentful that it had ever happened in the first place. Kamarile Maradim Nindar had told her that; she had been brought in to examine her after the doctors observed how unresponsive she had become. Mierin did resent what had happened and resented Kamarile Maradim, too, and had consequently been diagnosed with something called 'post-traumatic stress disorder', guaranteeing future visits. Mierin had been under the impression that people were supposed to look after you in hospitals, not try to torture you.
That thought reminded her of the other specialist they'd brought in to help her, immediately after the accident when her injuries were most severe. She couldn't remember the name, Nemene something, although she recalled hearing the name somewhere before; it would probably come back when she recovered. But she did know that Healing generally didn't hurt that much. And she hadn't liked her manner either, putting her through all that and then telling her that the severity of her injuries meant she'd be bedridden anyway! It wasn't something she planned to forget, for the time being. As soon as she dealt with her other problems, like being stuck in a hospital bed, she'd make the time to deal with her.
And she had to think of Lews Therin, as well. He had come to visit her a couple of times since the accident, but never stayed long, making some excuse about being busy with his duties as First Among Servants, and hadn't come back at all since discovering that she would make a full recovery. She thought he could have found a little time in his busy schedule to reassure the woman who loved him when she had almost been killed. She could almost believe he was telling the truth when he said he no longer loved her, though she knew that was of course ridiculous. He could never betray her, not when she needed him like this.
The other day, once she had properly regained consciousness, they had come in to tell her that Beidomon had succumbed to the severity of his injuries not long after being admitted. She had surprised herself with how little she felt at his death. It hadn't been too long ago that she had thought of herself as a warm-hearted person. But since this she just felt dead inside. She found herself looking back and seeing nothing in her life. What if she had died in the accident? What would people say about her life? Nothing bad, of course, but even terrible things would be better than nothing at all.
She hated the thought of Lews Therin being away from her. Of course they had had problems, but so did everyone. Couldn't he see things the way she did? She only wanted what was best for him, for them both. She loved him even though he hurt her sometimes, and he loved her even more for that, she was certain. How could he not love her? For years men had thrown themselves at her for her beauty, but she couldn't care anything for them. What were they to her? They were shallow, only caring about her appearance rather than who she was. Lews Therin was different, though. He was the First Among Servants, the most powerful channeller in the world. He was the only man good enough for her, and she was the only woman good enough for him, even if he didn't always see that.
She had been through so much pain, so much trauma, both mental and physical, and she didn't know how much more she could take. She had to redouble her efforts to bring Lews Therin back to her, once she was well enough; the thought of him by her side was the only one that kept her going. She wanted to use the strength she had, unleash it on others and make them feel what she felt, suffered as she had suffered… but she couldn't do that. Lews Therin gave her the support she needed to keep her emotions under control. And without that…
Without that, she would do as she wished. And she knew that deep down, she was heartless. Without that, she herself would unlock the gates of darkness, and let night envelop the world.
Lanfear was involved in many atrocities, perhaps more than most of the Forsaken, but the people she governed had more than the usual horrors of the Shadow to face; they feared sleep itself. Suicide rates were extremely high in her territory…
- excerpt from 'The Forsaken'