Draco's Never Ending Quest to Snag Hermione Granger
Chapter Two
They jostled each other about as they attempted to squeeze into the dark, decrepit broom cupboard. He could feel bodies pressing up against his length as he fought to breathe despite the foreign hair being pushed up into his nose. It was way too hot in there he decided. Someone had to take the initiative in a situation like this and it might as well be him since he was a Malfoy. Malfoys were born to lead no matter whether their followers were scarred freaks of nature or whether they were a reincarnation of a tomato with very distinctive human features. Malfoys were born to lead anyone and everyone.
And that probably explained why he felt so ashamed of his old man. Why did he choose to follow rather than lead? And the thought of following someone who was a half-blooded megalomaniac made his skin crawl and break out in sweat… If only the Dark Lord would invest in some manicure sessions, or maybe a pair of shoes to cover those hideous, misshapen toenails. He'd probably gain three times the amount of followers if he took the appropriate action.
Draco focused on his present situation once more – three men in a broom closet. He raised his arms and allowed his hands to grope wildly before him, trying to find a hold onto something.
"H-H-Hey! Stop it! You're touching my inappropriate places so stop it!"
"Potter, no one wants to know who's groping you at the moment, and no one wants to know why your inappropriate places are located around your torso so-"
"So you're the one who's touching me!"
"No I'm not! Potter, who do you think I am? I'm a Malfoy, and Malfoy's don't aim to touch anyone but themselves! I've degraded myself enough by just being in here with you two, so don't assume that I'm touching anybody!"
"But you said that my inappropriate places are located around my torso! How would you know that's where I'm being touched?"
"Because from my point of view, that's the easiest place to reach out in front of you while you're lost in a dark, dank broom closet. Do I really need to explain everything to you Potter? And Potter, I doubt anyone would want to grope you even if they had the worst case of achluophobia and were trapped in a broom closet like this one."
"What? Achlu-"
"Fear of darkness."
Draco continued to find something to latch onto within the dark, ignoring Potter's shrieks as his hands closed around something firm and very broad. He breathed out in relief. As a Malfoy, he wasn't frightened of the dark, though you could say that he wasn't all too fond of it either.
"Potter, I command you to make a light, and Weasley, prepare to find me a chair. This is business gentlemen, and business requires me to be in the utmost comfortable position that is possible under the present circumstances."
He coughed delicately and waited.
"Lumos."
Light flared from the tip of Potter's wand and the three men gasped in horror.
"You're groping me, Malfoy."
Draco stared at his hands in disbelief, jerking away from the vermin that his hands were clamped upon just seconds ago. Merlin, he was going to faint. Touching Potter. Faint. Potter. Touching. Shiver.
"And what is your explanation for this Malfoy?"
Weasley stood with his hands on his hips, glaring down at him.
"No need to become so overprotective Weasley, though that is sufficient evidence enough of your relationship with Potter here… but no, I was not trying to steal your man away."
He stood up straight and regally began to brush himself off, thinking hard about the situation.
"I was just making sure that I wasn't ahead of Potter in terms of… uh… man-boobs."
"I do not have man-boobs!"
"Don't kid with me Potter, every man has man-boobs."
"Well, just so you know, they aren't big!"
"Weasley, getting into places you shouldn't be huh? Naughty. I never took you for the type."
"…Malfoy, look at me in that way again and I'll tell Hermione of your evil plans to overpower and dominate her."
"You wouldn't dare Weasley!"
"Try me!"
Draco huffed. A Weasley getting the better of him. Unheard of. Ludicrous. Ridiculous.
"Weasley, I am not interested in you in any kind of way. Why do you think we're here? Granger. So take a seat gentlemen and let's start business."
They turned over some empty buckets and sat down but not without the two Gryffindors edging their buckets away from him, all while shooting him suspicious glares.
"Welcome to "Snag Hermione Granger" Group Meeting number one. Let me explain the aims of these meetings."
"Malfoy, we know why we're here so please, feel free to skip over your intro anytime soon."
"Shut it Potter. Now, as you know, I like Granger. As such, I will need as much information about her as possible to be able to make her mine. I declare myself the president of these secret meetings. Weasley, you can be the secretary and Potter, you'll be our audience."
"Malfoy, there will be no president or secretary or audience."
"There will be Potter."
"No, there won't be."
"If I say there will be one, it will happen."
"I have the information on Hermione."
"Well I have the picture of your lovely little Weasley."
"Then we're even."
"Fine."
Draco glared at him through the slits made by his eyelids. Who ever heard of a group without a president anyway.
"It's no wonder your brood of worshippers are running rampant around the school Potter – they don't have a president to lead them and make the appropriate decisions! Haven't you ever wondered why you've never had an annual 'Worship Harry Potter Ten Times the Norm' day with Harry Potter plush toys, figurines and accessories?"
"Well it's not like you've had the same Malfoy!"
"Shut it Weasley, you know that's not true! I've seen that 'Luv Draco' badge pinned to the inside of your pencil case, don't deny it! (Potter: Ron, how could you!) I do have a day in celebration of me, it just hasn't become official yet. Currently, the president of my fan club is sending around a petition to make it a national holiday, so you just wait and see! The both of you! That'll show you the importance of a president!"
"Look Malfoy, no president and that's final! I don't want to argue with you about this right now."
"No of course you wouldn't Potter, you're eyes are all set on that little photograph, isn't that right?"
Draco sneered and pulled the photograph out of his pocket, holding it just out of reach of Potter's twitching fingers.
"Yes Potter, I know you want it but first, give me what I want and remember, nothing said in this room leaves this room."
"Fine, whatever. So you want to know more about Hermione."
"Yes. Tell me how to get her attention."
"I know an excellent way Malfoy. Just act like the annoying, spoilt little brat you are and you're bound to attract her attention for sure."
"Stuff it Ron, don't ruin this for me."
"That's my sister you dolt! I don't want you ogling my sister!"
"Do you want your precious shirt or not?"
Draco hid a grin as the Weasley leaned back into the mops in resignation. Battle won and what a wonderful way to do it. A rift between friends – more than just friends really, if he could say so himself.
"Hurry up and spill, the both of you. Remember, everything you know about Granger, else no shirt or worse… no photograph."
He cackled evilly to himself as Potter let out a pained groan escape his lips. Yes, there is a lot at stake here Potter. Tread carefully.
"Alright Malfoy. Here," Draco watched as Potter brought out a thick stack of parchment, "this is all the information we could think of on Hermione. Her families, likes and dislikes, where she lives, her past relationships, her a-"
Draco sat up on his bucket in alarm.
"Hold it Potter! Past relationships? Did you say past relationships?"
"No duh Malfoy. Hermione's not all that terrible looking you know."
"What are you talking about you scumbag! She's beautiful! Is your vision like, impaired or something?"
The silence which enveloped the closet was deafening as all three turned to look at the glasses perched on the end of Potter's nose.
"That was one stupid question Malfoy."
"Zip it Weasley. You will all forget I ever asked that question."
"As if Malfoy, that's a testament to your intelligence. We're not going to forget that anytime soon."
"You will forget it Weasley, or no shirt for you!"
"That wasn't in the bargain you prick!"
"I will choose what is or isn't in the bargain you infuriating little red head!"
"Well Malfoy, it's decided that you don't want our help after all."
"No wait! Fine, don't forget it, but don't think you can go around telling everyone about this! Remember what I said at the beginning? Nothing said in this room leaves this room!"
The two Gryffindors eyed each other in regret while Draco observed them in glee.
"Yep, nothing leaves this room."
"Fine Malfoy, you dirty player."
"Well, pass it over then."
The stack of parchment was exchanged for the photograph and the shirt. Draco flipped through the pages of messy handwriting while Potter eyed every detail in the photograph and Weasley held the shirt up to his nose.
Your Guide to Everything Hermione Granger
Preface
In these following pages, you will find out what you have never before known about one Hermione Granger. These pages will reveal to you the facts of her life as well as give you an insight as to who she really is under her bookworm exterior (though you might find that well… she's pretty transparent at times, so don't be surprised if the bookworm exterior is all you'll see of her. We've come to the conclusion that Hermione Granger the bookworm is indeed… Hermione Granger… but no worries! Hermione Granger the bookworm is an extremely fascinating specimen who will amuse you to no end once you become more intimate with her).
You'll find that the facts of Hermione Granger's life will be located at the front of this very intriguing book compiled by Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley. Though at first glance, the book may appear to be in some semblance of order, you will soon find that there is no order at all. The writers of this magnificent work of art have set down all they know of Hermione Granger in the order that their memories of her appeared in their heads and as such, ask you to not be alarmed at the lack of order in the following pages.
This book will contain all that the authors' have managed to obtain from the heroine who is the subject of this wonderful manuscript. As this is a work in progress (because Hermione Granger will always be a work in progress, no doubt about it – she's very ambitious you know, and always wants to do new things), new pages will be added to this book as more bribes come in. (We would like to request things relating to Ginevra Molly Weasley, the Chudley Cannons and quidditch accessories among other things. If we have anymore requests, they will be included with the new pages of this book.)
The authors' of this book would like to wish you the best of luck in your navigations around the sea of words that is "Your Guide to Everything Hermione Granger" and hope that you will use their wonderful knowledge to its full extent. They only ask that the user of this book will not inform Hermione Granger about this work in progress to prevent any unnecessary deaths of your fellow Hogwartians by this violent yet all the same, wonderful human being. They also hope that no harm will visit Hermione Granger as a result of this book. If such event does occur, the book will be confiscated by the authors as soon as it is possible and other unwanted actions may occur to the user depending on the temperament of the authors (it's almost a given as the author's are Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley).
So again, the authors' would like to wish you the best of luck in your pursuit of Hermione Granger.
Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley
Draco looked up at the two Gryffindorks sitting before him.
"I'm surprised with you two, really. I wasn't aware you knew what a preface is."
TBC
Sorry its so late guys! But well, its terribly difficult for me to pull words out of my head ; Its not one of my greater talents I'm afraid…
Anyway, how was this chapter for you lot?