Hey guys well here we are again. I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to update but I'm graduating on Thursday and I've been frantically studying for finals. I guess its time to start. Here we go…
Casualties. A word heard often in my line of work. But this time it was different. It was a word that sent an ice cold dagger into my heart. I heard it two times this morning once by Horatio and once by a police officer who didn't even have the decency to say their names. As I lay here in the hospital bed I can't help but go over that day over and over again in my mind. My whole body is numb. I can't move or maybe I just don't have the energy to but my mind is racing. People who visit keep saying that it wasn't my fault there was nothing I could do differently but there was. I could have ignored my pain and helped. But I didn't and that just seems to twist the dagger. It's weird to think I'll never see their faces again in the hallway. I would give anything to switch places with them. I guess I have to believe in a heaven because I have to believe they're in a better place. The pain I feel is so overwhelming it engulfs my body. The doctors say I can leave tomorrow but I don't want to because I know as soon as I step one foot out of this hospital the already excruciating pain will increase. And because of that pain I will shut down. I will completely close off. I hate closing off. My room smells like a greenhouse. It has every type of flower known to man spread about it. The one closest to me is lavender I think. Its suppose to make me feel better but all it make me want to do is vomit because I remember that I had driven by a flower shop with the same kind of freakin flower in the window that day. I scratch at the scar where the bullet entered with my index finger till it starts to bleed but I don't care because any trace of that day I want gone. I want to believe that they will be wheeled into my room to visit. Then I remember my other visit today. Their face identical to mine almost like looking in a mirror. Their scar seems to be scabbed over and it dawns on me they want any trace gone too. 'Hi' was all that was said then they were gone. Outward emotion isn't my thing. I like to keep all my emotions bottled up and I had yet to explode up until that moment. My hand ripped the blanket of my body and yanked the I.V. out of my arm. Ignoring the pain I felt I stood up and did the only thing I could. I screamed at the top of my lung incoherent things that I didn't even understand. I took the vase filled with lavenders and whipped it across the room smashing it to pieces. My vision was so blurry by then that I reached for anything that was in arms distance. Then I stopped and felt my knees buckle, two arms grabbed me, and then everything went black.
So most of you don't know who died. I did that on purpose. I know though haha, although if anyone can guess I will update sooner maybe even tomorrow. So just press that button down to the left and take a guess. By the way two people died if you didn't get that already.