Author's Note: So it's been raining here, which for some reason seems to put me in an angsty mood. Well, anyway, I've been trying to write a decent McStizz fic for the rest of you out there, which in a way is bad because I have too many fics on my hands to be writing yet another oneshot. But I am.
Also...shameless plug...I started a forum called 'Challenges', because there weren't any basically. A forum to post Grey's challenges, or talk Grey's...anyway...
Leave a review, please!
Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's. Trust me, because if I did, things would be so different...
Izzie sat on the bench outside of Seattle Grace, trying her best to compose herself. She didn't expect it to hit so hard-if even at all. She thought that everything would be fine once Hannah left the hospital. Thoughts would be composed, and life would slowly return to normal. It might be sad at first, Izzie thought. But in the end, everything would be okay.
Taking a deep breath, Izzie stared out at the parking lot, packed with cars and damp after the evening storm. She knew the bench was probably wet when she sat down but she didn't care. Her bangs clung to her face from the moisture, and tears spilled from her eyes. Just breathe, Iz...just go home and make some muffins or something. Izzie thought numbly to herself. Still, she knew better than to drive when she was upset. Instead, she sat on the bench, long after the rest of her friends had left, determined to compose herself before going home.
Mark slipped his arms inside of his coat, staring down at his shoes as he walked. Returning to the hotel didn't seem so inviting, but since Addison left Seattle he didn't frequent Joe's as much. Staying out and drinking somehow didn't fit the bill. He swore to himself that he wasn't pining for her, afterall, he was a man. It didn't change the fact that the hallways seemed so much quieter without her.
Not paying much attention to where he was going, or to anything else for that matter, something kin to a sob broke into his thoughts. Pausing in his stride, he turned his head to see a frail looking Izzie Stevens crying on the bench. He stood there, almost entranced in the way she sat. She seemed sad, in pain. He didn't know her as much as he'd like to, but it didn't change the fact that as he stood there watching her, Mark Sloan himself felt something within him break. "Stevens?"
Izzie coughed loudly, producing yet another kleenex from her coat pocket. Blowing her nose, she waved furiously at him. "I'm fine. Really, I'm okay."
"I didn't ask if you were okay."Mark replied, sitting down next to her. He gazed back at her, noting the hospital doors that loomed behind her. "But if you're not..."
"I'm fine. Why do you care?"Izzie bit back at him. Her eyes suddenly grew apolegetic, sorry for what she had said. "I'm-"
"It's fine. I've had my fair share of snarky comments."Mark sighed, nursing the cappucino he held firmly in his left hand. "I can take it."
Looking at him, Izzie's eyes were red, but her crying had subsided. "Just because I'm upset doesn't mean that I should take it out on you."
"So you're admitting that you're upset?"Mark retorted, eyes full of concern for her. While he admitted he didn't have the oppurtunity of knowing Izzie Stevens all that well, it didn't stop him from feeling offense to anyone who had caused her to be in her current state. When she didn't answer his question, Mark cleared his throat in an attempt to form another question. "What's wrong?"
Staring down at her hands, Izzie was a little taken back by Mark's question. "I wouldn't know where to start..."She mused, choking back a sob that she felt coming.
Mark settled back into the bench, suddenly compelled to touch her, but knowing full well that he shouldn't. At least not yet. "The beginning's always good."
Izzie didn't know why, but she felt like maybe it was right. She felt like maybe if there was anyone who could understand her current situation, maybe Mark would. Offering a weak smile, Izzie calculated the words in her head, trying to formulate a sentence that would describe it for him. Something in his eyes seemed so familar for her and instantly, Izzie felt herself entranced. Stop it, Iz. You can't do this now.
"Well?"Mark encouraged, wanting to know what it was that could have been bothering her. He turned his cup in his hands, still keeping it his grip on the sides. Raising it to his lips, Mark looked over at her, raising an eyebrow.
"It's complicated."Izzie replied, feeling her strength slowly drain out of her. "Can I just...I mean, I'm not trying to be rude, but-"
"You're wondering what it is that makes me ask, when I could just as easily be driving home right now?"Mark asked, breaking into Izzie's thoughts.
Izzie shrugged. "I'm sorry."
"I know you're sorry. Truthfully, you really don't have to be. I'm staying here because something happene to you, and it's enough to make you seem so bothered. You can tell me what's wrong."Mark replied, shrugging. He looked out at the parking lot, noting a truck that was leaving, then looking back at Izzie.
Biting her lip, Izzie prayed that she wouldn't cry. Just tell him...Izzie thought. He'll understand. "Something...happened. Something that I can't..."Izzie said, bunching her hands into fists. "-take back. But things change, I'll be okay."
"You sure about that?"Mark replied, sending her a suspicious look.
"No. I don't know."Izzie said, looking back at him. "Mark, can you...would you...keep a secret?"
Mark shrugged, silently wondering what it was he had just gotten himself into. "Sure."
Izzie stared him in the eye, not understanding why it felt so easy to just confide in him. She hadn't told Meredith, let alone anyone else about George. And then there was Hannah. Taking a deep breath, Izzie looked out across the parking lot. "Today..."She began. "Is my daughter's birthday."
Mark frowned, eyes deep with concern. Since when does Stevens have a daughter?
"She's...twelve. She also left the hospital today. You know it's funny...she came back into my life just as easily as she left it again. I got to see her a-"Izzie said, swallowing a lump in her throat. "-a few times. Just not enough. It's crazy, right? I've been out of her life since she was born. Not that it wouldn't affect me, but still."
Carefully debating about what to say, Mark understood now why Izzie was so sensitive. "What did she have?"
Blinking back tears, Izzie forced a smile as she looked in his direction. "Leukemia. I...donated marrow. She's better now, still sick but...better."
Nodding, Mark raised his cappucino to his lips again but paused, momentarily considering passing it to Izzie. She was afterall, shivering. He wanted to keep her warm. "So she's adopted."Mark stated, rather than asking.
Izzie nodded. "Yeah. And I just...I want to make things right. I want to believe that I made the right decision by giving her up. I know that I did, but..."Izzie bowed her head, fists coming up against her forehead.
"Stevens..."Mark called, sighing. "Izzie..."
"I'm just so..."Izzie choked.
"You're what?"Mark asked. Why won't she just tell me what's wrong? His hand moved to her back, rubbing small circles there. "Izzie?"
Izzie nodded, slowly sitting back up. She looked back at him, breath sharp in her chest as she did. "I'm fine."
"No you're not."Mark bit back, seeing in her eyes how vulnerable she was. "There's something else, isn't there?"
"Mark-"
"Look, if you didn't want to tell me, you never would have. It'll be okay."Mark whispered, lifting his cup to hand it to her. "You...look like you could use something."
"You want me to drink after you?"Izzie asked, staring at the cup in his hand.
Mark shrugged. "I could go back inside and get you one, but that would mean that you'd be out here alone."
"I already feel alone."Izzie confessed, absent-mindedly taking the cup from him.
"Well, you're not."Mark replied, his fingers lingering against hers, slowly letting them fall against his lap. "I'm here. Whatever you need."
Izzie froze, her breath hitching in her chest. Closing her eyes, Izzie drew a deep breath, somehow knowing in that moment that he wouldn't judge her. "I...slept with George. We were drunk, it happened. He went back to Callie, and I went back to my life. It was a mistake. A mistake that never should have even happened in the first place, but then he avoided me. He was my best friend, and he avoided me. When Hannah came back, he was..there. But he wasn't really there, you know? And I just...don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of fighting, of being this..happy...person that everyone expects me to be."
I don't expect you to be anything. Mark thought, watching as Izzie drank some of the cappucino. "Good?"
Nodding, Izzie wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, swallowing as the warm liquid traveled down her throat. "Thanks."
"It's no problem. Listen, if you...want me to tell you what to do, I can't."Mark said. "But what I can do is..."He stopped, feeling guilty as he watched her cry. Pulling her shoulders towards him, he brought her to his chest. While Mark didn't know what it was that Izzie needed, he knew better than to leave her alone. "It's okay."
"No, it isn't. I have this sign stapled to me saying that I am mentally incapable of holding a decent conversation without bursting into tears. I should be okay. Hannah might be my daughter, but I'm not her mother. I...gave her away..."Izzie sobbed. "I'm a surgeon now, and I helped her get back her life."
"But that doesn't stop you from feeling bad."Mark replied. She really is in pain. Come on Sloan, think straight.
"I don't even know what I feel. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. Or what I should do. About George, about my life. I don't...I..."Izzie said, shaking her head against his chest. She knew she should probably get up, move from Mark's chest. But she couldn't. This is the safest I have felt in a long time...
Mark held her in his arms, content in the fact that he knew Izzie was safe. It hurt him more than he had expected to see her so emotional. He knew now what had been bothering her, but that didn't make it any better. "Breathe."
"What?"Izzie offered, muffled by the cup being brought to her mouth. She took a sip, then looked back at him. Lifting her head from Mark's shoulder, his arms still remained tight around her.
"You breathe. You don't...have to know what to do. Chances are you probably won't for a while. It sucks, but that's life."Mark said, Izzie's brown eyes reaching him in a different way than noone else ever had.
"You're hurting, too."Izzie surmised, tears staining her face. "I've been so busy crying and complaining to even notice. But you are, too."
Mark shrugged, his arms rustling against Izzie's back. She just had to say something. "I'm fine."
"Did anyone ever tell you you're a bad liar?"Izzie asked, a sleepy smile crossing her features.
"A time or two."Mark replied, shrugging. "But I got over it."
There's something he isn't telling me. "Maybe. But that doesn't mean that you're okay."
Shrugging, Mark realized in that moment how close they were. Izzie's hand was propped against his chest while the other was holding his cappucino. The way she had fallen against him caused him to fold her against his side. Clearing his throat, Mark let out a sigh. "I'll be okay."
"How do you know? How do you know that everything will be okay? After everything that's happened to...everything. You just know that everything will work out?"Izzie asked, sending him a look of sadness.
"I'll be okay if..."Mark said, trailing as he saw the look in her eyes. Izzie looks so afraid. Izzie. That sounds so different. "...you'll be okay."
"Well, if you're basing whether or not you'll end up unscathed on whether or not I will, I'd ask you to not hold your breath."Izzie replied, laughing sarcastically. "Because seriously? I don't know if I will ever be okay."
"Did you make a mistake?"Mark asked, concerned.
"Yeah."Izzie replied. What is he getting at?
"And you're sorry? You learned from it?"Mark asked.
Closing her eyes, Izzie nodded. "A very big lesson."
"Then I don't see what the problem is. I know that there's pain there, but you can get over it."Mark insisted, wanting nothing more in that moment than for Izzie to believe it.
"How?"Izzie asked, bringing forth a loaded question.
Mark drew in a deep breath, contemplating her question. She doesn't ask any easy questions, does she? "You just do."
Izzie laughed, staring up at the darkened sky. Biting her lip, her eyes again filtered with tears. Don't cry...
"Hey, St..."Mark sighed, his hand reaching up to brush a tear off of her cheek. "Izzie."
Her eyes were closed, but as she opened them, she found Mark staring straight back at her. Running her hand across his chest, Izzie brought it back to her lap. Swallowing, Izzie never once broke his gaze.
Why is it that it always hurts the most to see a beautiful woman cry? Mark swallowed, nodding. His thumb ran across her cheek, wanting the pain to disappear. Alcohol didn't numb it, and neither could anything else. Time was what he needed, and that was all he knew. Moving an inch closer to her, he brought his lips to hers, wanting nothing more in that moment than to take her pain away. His hand working its way to the back of her head, he combed through her hair.
He's kissing me. He's...oh, he's... Izzie lost train of all rational thought, too lost in the way that her mouth took on a mind of its own. Her tongue pushed past his lips, hungry for entry. Her hand wound its way up his chest and to his jaw, slowly curving at his hairline. Her lips roamed over his, hungry and longing for connection. This can't end. It's right, it's so...She didn't care. In that moment she didn't care of anyone was watching, because for the first time in a long time, Izzie did what she wanted to do.
A raindrop pelted Mark's cheek, cold. As his lips pulled against his, his tongue waging a war againt hers, and a hand was moving across her side, more raindrops began to fall, and he knew he had to pull back. Perfect timing, huh? Slowly pulling back, Mark reluctantly pulled his lips away from hers.
Izzie's forehead leaned towards his, slowly regaining her breath. Her lips were swollen, and her head was swimming. Rain was now falling harder, a mist surrounding them. "We should probably..."
"Yeah..."Mark replied, following her towards the parking lot. Not sure why, he followed her to her car, making sure she'd be okay. "I'm..."
"Don't...apoligize. Do you want this?"Izzie asked, trying to hand his cup back to him.
Mark grinned, shaking his head. That isn't what I want. "You can keep it."
Izzie nodded, avoiding his gaze. He's looking at me. I can't believe I kissed him. We kissed. We...actually..kissed. I want to regret it, but I can't.
"Hey..."Mark said, his hand reaching for her cheek. "Look at me."He urged her, feeling the need to say something.
Izzie looked at him, her brown eyes searching longily at his blue ones, seeing clearly that he felt the way that she did. She was bruised, broken, and tired of fighting.
Mark nodded. "We'll be okay."He assured her, bringing her close. Instead of kissing her, he held her in a tight hug, the rain splattering around them.
Izzie pulled back, finger brushing away drops that had settled on his face. She leaned in planting a tender kiss carefully on Mark's lips. Not knowing what she was getting herself into, but knowing that it was better than anything that she had, Izzie offered a nod. "We'll be okay."