Within My Past Is My Future

"Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
'Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks"

Happiness – The Fray

"So" he asks as he orders one of the residents to finish closing. "How about a date?"

"You're asking me out like this?"

"What's wrong with this? It's romantic."

"Seriously Derek? Seriously?"

"Yes. It is."

"Derek, saying "So how about a date?" in the middle of a scrub room is definitely not romantic." I inform him.

"You saying "Pick me. Choose me. Love me." in a scrub room was romantic."

"Yes. It was. But this isn't."

"Ok." he stands and tilts his head at me like he usually does when watching me. He rinses his hands under the taps and dries them before walking closer to me. He tugs my mask down, because I had forgotten until then that I was still wearing it and stares straight into my eyes. My knees go weak, just at his look. The McDreamy look. I see a knowing glint in his eye as he raises a hand a runs it through my hair.

"I love you. Date me." I silently gaze at him as he pauses before ordering me "8pm, the lobby. Me and You." He kisses my forehead and I sigh. God he's turning me into one of those sickly sweet people. Just like Cristina said.

"See you later Dr Grey." He winks at me before breezing out the door. And as I stand alone in the scrub room I mutter "Damn you" at the realisation that I have been ordered on a date. And that I was wrong. Because to me that was romantic. Or maybe it just made me really horny cause right now I can't get the thought of him out of my head. But I'm taking it slow. I remind myself repeating Time, We are taking Time.

As the rest of the team files out of the OR and into the scrub room I hastily pull down a towel dry my hands and leave searching for Christina.

"Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar"

I finally find her sitting in the gallery overlooking an operation by Burke.

"Why aren't you in there?" I ask slumping into the chair beside her.

"Bailey is making me do her notes. Just because I wasn't "Izzie Nice" to a patient. I mean. How bad could it be? I didn't tell him he was dying. I just said "You'll be alright." Apparently, that isn't correct beside manners for a Doctor. Whatever." Cristina explains. "So, what do you want Miss Shiny Happy McLoser?"

"Well, cheers for that." I grin, before faltering.

"What?" she asks, annoyed before I say anything.

"Do you.. Do you think I'm too happy?" I focus on burkes operation ignoring her face. I can't look at her, but I feel the smirk.

"Yes."

"Is that bad?" I turn to look at her.

"Why would you think it's bad?"

"I.. I don't get to be happy. People leave. People forget. People hurt me. I just.. I drink.. and then I move on. I always remember, but each time." I pause, breathing in, glad that we're alone in the gallery. "Each time I get a little more broken."

She gathers her papers together and stands to leave. She looks down at me waiting for me to look at her before speaking. "Mere, things happen. You have bad things I get that. You'll always be a little dark and twisty, but you and McDreamy.. And if you tell anyone I'm saying this I'll kill you.. well.. I think you should give it a chance." She looks down at Burke. "Trust me.. we both have issues, but Burke and Shepherd.. maybe that's our good thing for all the shit? I don't know. But you need to stop questioning and doubting.. You've been very emotional today. I don't like it. Suck it up." She grins before leaving me to think. I know and she knows that everything she just said is right on the money. I'm just over thinking. It's been a stressful few days. I look at my watch and realise my shift is over so I head to the locker room and get changed.

In the locker room I see Izzie who smiles at me.

"How are you?"

"I'm good. I have a date."

"Me too!" squeals excited Izzie.

I hear the low voice of Cristina from the other side of the lockers as she growls "Calm down Barbie"

I smile at Izzie, asking "With Alex?"

"I know you lot think he's an ass. And he is. Sometimes. But he's nice. Once you get to know him. Really. He is."

"I know Izzie."

"You.. You do?" she asks at the same time as Cristina looks round at me and says "What?"

"Really, I do." I look at Christina as I close my locker door with a smile and say "I'm just going with the current or whatever."

"The flow?" My person asks smirking.

"Yea.. see you later guys."

I walk to the lifts and walk in. As usual fate kicks me in the shin and I see Addison standing at the back. I breath in and walk in.

"Hi" I say, obviously unable to ignore her when there is just the two of us in the lift.

"Doctor Grey."

"Wow.. this is.. uncomfortable." she says after a moment.

"Yeah" I grin at her.

"Look Grey," the doors open and she moves to leave. "I don't hate you. You and Derek I get it. It's fine. The three of us are here for 2 years. We need to get along. Yeah?"

I smile my first real smile at her and she returns it.

"I agree."

"Goodnight Meredith." She smiles a little sadly but its real none-the-less.

"Goodnight Addison." The doors close and when the open next I see Derek leaning against the wall.

"Is that all you do?" I ask.

"Do what?"

"Lean against walls."

"No." I look at him disbelievingly. "I don't. I work. I lean. I kiss." He said grinning and do exactly that. As he moves away after he reaches his hand out and takes mine, I smile at him and he leads me to the car.

"So" after driving in silence for a while I ask "Where are we going?"

"My trailer."

"Your trailer?"

"Yep."

"Derek I am not going to have sex with you." He looks at me eyes wide before bursting out with laughter. "What?" I ask as he doesn't stop chuckling.

"You look so.. scandalised. I know we aren't having sex. I'm making you dinner." he explains.

"Oh." my cheeks red with embarrassment. He turns the radio on, unsurprisingly a CD of The Clash is on.

And I have lived that kind of day
When none of your sorrows will go away
It goes down and down and hit the floor
Down and down and down some more
Depression
But I now there'll be some way
When I can swing everything back my way
Like skyscrapers rising up
Floor by floor, I'm not giving up

I'm Not Down – The Clash

As we listen to the music I turn to Derek and say what I feel.

"I'm happy Derek. Really."

He says nothing until we stop at the next red light when he turns and says, "Good. Me too."

I place my hand on his on the gear stick and smile. Leaning back and gazing out as Seattle passes me by.