Scene Three: Jaded Dreams

Henrik Ibsen: A community is like a ship; everyone ought to be prepared to take the helm

Isaac Newton: If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants

"You got your mama's style

But you're yesterday's child to me

So Jaded

You think that's where it's at

But is that where it's supposed to be?"

Aeorsmith 'Jaded'

Relena Darlian Peacecraft was a strong young woman, a strong leader. She knew her mind, what she hoped to accomplish during peace and for the future. She even had a dream and a noble vision. Her goal was simplistic but difficult to accomplish, that the peace would be secure enough to stand on its own with only occasional guidance from her. A worthy goal for one so young.

Wryly she smiled to herself at the thought that such a day could come and that essentially she and the late Treize Khushrenada were attempting the same end goal. Treize had certainly been an inspiration to many, herself included although there were few who could see his mark upon her. Those who saw his mark were much more understanding of her goals and saw more in her than those who were oblivious to his imprint upon her. He was so woefully misunderstood by so many and she was hopeful that one day most of the people would see what he had done for them. They had the chance to rewrite policies that were beneficial to the people, not the rulers.

'Treize's dreams are now my own,' Relena mused thoughtfully nibbling on the end of a pen. 'I wonder if he knew that even now his impact would be so gigantic, that his dreams and visions would guide so many of us.'

There was still so much political turmoil, so much deviousness. Many of the old hands wondered why such a young girl was in their midst and how she had managed to last so long. All of them thought she would get tired of playing grown-up, that she would fold and break. But she was a Peacecraft and that name still meant something, and she was a Darlian a name that carried a weight of its own. She would not stop now. Others in politics thought she was too innocent to play on the same level, thought she was unskilled and that she lacked the proper instincts.

'I might be young and a girl in a corrupt game,' Relena smoothed her light blue skirt out. 'But I can play just as well as any of them can.'

And she played the game better than any of them. But she knew her place, knew there were certain boundaries that even she could not overstep. Perhaps in a few years she might attempt to but not when things were just becoming stable again.

She keenly missed Dorothy's presence by her side during events like this. Relena did not trust any of the politicians who had had a hand in Dorothy's arrest, but it was hard to tell exactly who she could trust. Dorothy was a friend, she knew her and trusted her. Relena needed her to keep on fighting because she knew that she could not have Heero, knew that all too well.

Heero had not told her himself that things would not work out the way she had dreamed. Deep down she knew though, knew it would be fated to end badly. There was no such thing as a fairy tale ending for her. The job of being a princess did not guarantee one and her job would never be over so there was not even time for a happy ending. If Heero had been anyone else other than who he was it might have worked. But he too had a role to play, a role as important as her own and it did not include a happy ending with her. There was no escape from their respective roles and there never would be. At least not a means of escape that was fair to the people and she could not simply ignore their needs.

What she wanted, what her dreams were did not matter. Her personal dreams would never come into play, would never blossom. Everyone wants to follow their dreams and Relena was no different, the difference was that there was no way she could even hope to make them reality.

'Dreams are meant to be jaded Miss Relena,' Dorothy had said to her when they had been alone just after the Dekim Barton uprising.

'Don't you mean 'broken' Dorothy?' She has naively asked the older blond by her side. 'Dreams are meant to be broken?'

'No Miss Relena,' Dorothy shook her head and tucked some of her long flowing and slightly dirty hair back over her shoulder. 'Jaded. Dreams like yours don't ever break, not completely. They turn jaded and if you're not careful Relena-sama, you will too.'

'I feel like I'm already jaded,' Relena had tiredly answered with a hollow eyed look.

'Not yet you aren't Relena-sama,' Dorothy had smiled at her. 'Perhaps someday you will be, a few years down the road when you've seen more than you already have. But just think of it Miss Relena,' Dorothy sighed. 'The fairy tale you were expecting had only changed into a tragic love story. An epic ballad like Helen of Troy. Are you sure of your role Miss Relena? Are you sure of his?'

Relena had simply looked at her friend quizzically, not understanding fully what Dorothy was saying to her. Dorothy often spoke to her in riddles and often she did not figure them out until later but she thought that she would understand this one soon enough.

'I'm sure of my role Dorothy,' she had answered confidently.

"I think I understand now Dorothy," Relena whispered to the quiet and still room. "I'm Helen of Troy, I get a taste of happiness but even that will serve to jade me."

In the still of the night she sat tucked away in her fancy hotel room. Tomorrow she had important and crucial plans to carry out. She had to speak to Heero right away. There were a few things that she needed to tell him before he heard them from anyone else. And that meant she had to keep them all away, even the other Pilots. She had the power and she would use it.

Relena's role was to advocate to the people. She would draw them to her and make them listen to her words so that they would realize what she was trying to accomplish on their behalf. She would be able to mend what was broken and build new trusts, foundations, hopes and futures. She knew all of this and this knowledge did not come without its price. It meant that she could not have Heero, that dream was forever beyond her reach, within sight certainly but utterly unattainable.

'Would I be here now if I had known that?' She asked herself, wanting the answer to be yes but knowing that nothing was certain.

Heero had his own tasks, other roles he had to play. It was true, he was her knight in shining armor come to rescue her but he was not her prince. His role had been made of a different design, a savior for the people. Heero would build the strength, be a model for it, and he would fight the evils that threatened the peace. But he could not love her. She had to make sure of that.

'I never thought I would work against my own heart like this,' Relena thought sadly as she carefully went through several choices of outfits for tomorrow. 'I never saw that I would be the one to make my dreams turn jaded. That I would attempt to destroy them before they even began.'

Her resolve was firm. Just as it always was firm and sure, cool and confidant. Heero Yuy could not be allowed to love her because that love would weaken her and that was something she could not afford. Therefore she had to close that chapter of her life while she still had the nerve to go through with it, that meant no interruptions or she would fail.

"Miss Relena?" Came a tentative voice from behind her.

She whirled around, half expecting to see Dorothy leaning coolly against the doorframe, watching her with a knowing smirk on her face. It was only her personal secretary Aimee Barnes.

"Hello Aimee," Relena gave the older woman a smile, she had made it a point to know all the people who worked under her.

Aimee Barnes was special though. Aimee had worked for her adoptive father and had even known her birth father. Relena was glad to have her service. Even happier because Aimee could be trusted explicitly, even with a gun leveled at her head. But Relena did not wish to test that theory again if it could be avoided.

"I conducted the search you requested that I make on the new colony still undergoing construction," Aimee walked forward and Relena saw the series of folders the older woman had tucked safely and securely under her arm. "I thought you should see them right away. There's something strange but I can't put my finger on exactly what it is. I'm sure you'll have better luck."

"What did you find?" Relena looked carefully at the forty-two year old brown haired woman.

"It appears that this construction company, Granger Fields," Aimee said. "Is getting a lot of funds. But most of them are anonymous."

"That's not highly suspicious," Relena commented. "But worth investigating. Sit down Aimee, if you're not busy."

Relena took a seat in one of the upholstered chairs and Aimee copied her example in the matching chair a few feet from her own. Relena enjoyed the small informalities that the two of them were able to share when no one else was around. In a way Aimee was very much like a god mother or an aunt to her. She was always glad when the older woman accompanied her on trips or felt comfortable enough to give her a hug or gentle squeeze at the end of the stressful day. There were few people who risked that sort of familiarity with the former Queen of the World. Sometimes she felt detached, alone and lonely even though she was surrounded by people. Aimee was able to help alleviate that ache with her diligent care.

"That's not all though," Aimee crossed her ankles and folded her hands in her lap. "Some of the funds disappear and aren't accounted for. But on the official forms and taxes everything is accounted. It's on the other set of paperwork that the numbers are all wrong."

"How did you come by this?" Relena asked, her brow creasing in concern.

"Mr. Yuy gave me the name of a friend that he had," Aimee said. "His friend said that his name was Mr. Jenkins and that he was good friends with Mr. Yuy. I spoke to him about this three months ago because Mr. Yuy told me to contact him if I ever needed help getting any information about the colonies. Mr. Yuy said he was an expert and had a lot of connections. So I called Mr. Jenkins because I was at a dead end but some of the memos I had hinted at something more.

"I spoke with Mr. Jenkins, on a secure line no less because he's a very suspicious man. Hr promised to look into things for me and said he had a friend who knew a lot about Granger Fields construction company. I didn't expect him to call back with anything useful but two weeks ago he called and said he was sending me a package with information on the Granger company. Mr. Jenkins told me that it would take a while to get to me but it came this morning."

"I don't remember Heero ever mentioning a Mr. Jenkins," Relena felt uncomfortable. "The only people he really knows are the other Pilots."

"Mr. Jenkins was someone Mr. Yuy met through Duo Maxwell," Aimee gave her employer a look of understanding. "Mr. Yuy admitted to me he didn't know the man very well but that he could get what I needed. He also said that he trusted whatever information came from Mr. Jenkins."

"Interesting," Relena tapped her knee with a finger. "So, what did the papers that Mr. Jenkins sent to you say?"

"That Granger company is funneling money into something else," Aimee answered promptly.

"Any idea where?" Relena pressed.

"No," Aimee shook her head. "And I can't track down Mr. Jenkins either so it looks like we have to use what he gave us."

Relena nodded absently. She had expected this 'Mr. Jenkins' to have disappeared. She did not want to know how he had gotten the information and she shuddered to think that it may have cost him his life or the lives of others. But he probably knew what he was doing when he got the information and when he sent it.

"Thank you Aimee," Relena smiled. "I'll look at the papers tonight."

"Don't work too late," Aimee stood to leave. "You have an early morning tomorrow. You wanted to be at the hospital by eight."

"I won't work too late," Relena shooed Aimee away with a wave of her hand. "You worry too much. I'll speak with you tomorrow."

Aimee knew better than to argue or protest. She left Relena alone to do as she wished.

The princess took the files and folders over to her bed, setting them towards the center so they would not spill onto the floor. She would read them after she was more comfortable and ready to relax without fear of wrinkling her skirt.

Relena unzipped the blue woolen skirt and slid it down over her slim hips until it pooled at her feet. Carefully she stepped out of it, kicking the matching shoes off to the side somewhere. Those she would retrieve in the morning but for now she would allow herself to make a little mess of her things. She slipped off her blue jacket, draping it over the back of the chair and placing the skirt neatly on the seat. She continued undressing, haphazardly throwing her clothing about the floor, a simple indulgence that she rarely partook in and only when she was flustered or felt the need to rebel. Relena put on her silk pajamas, a pant and shirt set that had elegant collars and cuffs. The pajamas were practical and not at all seductive because she had an image to maintain. The silk material though, that was pure indulgence.

Did she not deserve little indulgences, like silk pajamas, now and then? She certainly could not dress in just anything she wanted. The image of innocence and peace had to be maintained. Usually she did not mind dressing conservatively, she rather liked it. Sometimes, especially during the night, she liked to imagine that she could wear anything she wanted, be anything she wanted.

'A fools dream,' She accused herself half-heartedly. 'A simple on too. I'll probably have the time later.'

It was what she always told herself on nights like this. That she would have the time to do as she wished later when the peace was stable and strong. The thought of later quelled her traitorous desires every time she thought of rebelling and just walking away from her obligations. Once she had even gone so far as to think of packing up and going but she never had.

Idly Relena went and picked up the discarded clothing that was lying on the floor. The blouse joined the skirt on the chair to keep it from getting wrinkled. But she left the shoes sitting in the corner outside the closet. Sitting outside the closet for one night never hurt a pair of shoes, at least not in her memory. And shoes were not where her concerns lay.

She slid under the covers on one side of the bed, propping the pillows up so that she was sitting upright in the mammoth bed. She reached for the top folder and opened it, immediately skimming expertly through the pages therein. The charts and graphs she looked at only briefly as well, they would keep until tomorrow when she had the energy for an in depth analysis of them. Skimming the pages though only increased her curiosity and worry. No longer was she concerned with Mr. Jenkins credibility or how he had gotten such valuable information, her concern had moved on to what Granger Fields was trying to hide. The little hints within the pages were maddening at what they suggested but they never came right out and said what exactly was being hidden. Relena wished there was more information. When she moved onto the next folder she began to get queasy, she felt the bile rise up from her stomach and creep into the back of her throat.

Hurriedly she placed the folder on the nightstand and raced to the bathroom. She threw up into the sink, clutching the sides of it as her knees began to become wobbly from all the retching. She rinsed out her mouth and the sink, dropping onto the plush bath rug.

'It cannot be,' She repeated over and over as her mantra. 'It cannot be.'

Peace had been restored, businesses were thriving and prospering. There was no reason for them to partake in this madness. There was no reason to start another uprising, or worse, another war. But there were only hints of this, nothing concrete. It was driving her mad with the need to have something solid, make it real or not real. Her search through the rest of the files revealed nothing of use. This worried her perhaps more than it should have.

There was only one viable option for her to take. The thought of it made her stomach churn with uncertainty and the feeling of the burn in the back of her throat returned but slowly dissipated. She would need help, it would never do for her to send her own people snooping around, people who had not the skill or experience. Heero would help her though, it was his field of expertise and for the peace he would help her. Her knight in shining armor would fight off the demons that were gathering.

Relena slept little that night and when she did manage to close her eyes she had visions of another war starting and it was because of her failures. But she had no way of knowing that this would turn into a war, still it would be her fault. She would not let that happen while she still had the power and influence to alter things.

The next morning David Calhoun, her head of security, drove her to the hospital.

"Are you sure it's wise to keep his friends from him Miss Peacecraft?" David asked glancing at her in the rear view mirror.

"It's a matter of world wide security David," Relena replied evenly. "No one else can know what I'll be asking of Heero. And I can't afford to loose my nerve."

"What world wide situation is there now?" David returned his attention to the road.

"I can't say much David," Relena sighed. "Just believe in me on this. There's something that may threaten the peace in the next few years. I have to stop it now. Heero is the one who will be able to get the information that I need to solve this problem without bloodshed. Or he'll be the one to stop it if I can't. No one else can interfere in this."

"Very well Miss Peacecraft," David finally agreed. "I'll help you out in this matter. I'll have some of my men in the hospital and they'll screen everyone coming and going. I'll put some near the elevators on the sixth floor and keep guards outside Yuy's room."

"Thank you," Relena smiled at him.

"I'm just doing my job," David mumbled.

Relena knew that she was coming off sounding like a foolish girl but this was serious. She could not risk anyone else finding out about this mess, her power was at stake here. If this leaked to the press within the next few months no one would bother to listen to her anymore and without her the peace would falter. As a Peacecraft it was her duty to see that such a thing never happened, it rested on her shoulders. In no way would she jeopardize the peace and everything else that the Gundam Pilots and Preventers had worked so hard to achieve. She would not risk what she had been given.

It sounded asinine to her, that the peace depended on one person. But that was the truth, the weakness of it all. The people saw her as the true symbol of the peace and if she was not there for them they would not know who to believe. Everyone believed Relena told the truth as she knew it.

'Dorothy would laugh at me for this,' Relena thought as she stepped out of the car and walked into the hospital followed closely by David. 'I know she would.'

Relena was impeccably dressed, as she always was. She was wearing a green pant suit, something Aimee had helped her to pick out in the morning. The style and color made her stand out amongst the other people in the main lobby but she did not notice, completely intent on her task. People stopped and stared at her, recognizing her as the former Queen of the World and as the current Vice-Foreign Minister, but no one dared to approach. She walked calmly to the elevator doors knowing exactly where she needed to go and exactly how to get there. David had shown her the building plans and she already knew what Heero's room number was.

'The sound of my voice might just wake him up,' Relena foolishly blushed. 'Dorothy would laugh at me for that, I can almost hear her mocking laughter ringing in my ears now. She would be right too and probably tell me I'm getting my fair tales mixed up again. This seems almost like Sleeping Beauty.'

The elevator doors closed on her and David, she repressed the urge to give a sigh of relief. Composure was necessary at all times with everyone watching her in her glass bowl. The elevator moved upwards after a jerky start. She was prepared to meet her destiny or face utter ruin. How much different could it be than what had happened a few days ago?

Relena easily gained access to Heero's room even though she was not on the approved list to be admitted. But being as famous as she was no one thought otherwise. They just let her waltz right into the hospital and assume command. Her reputation preceded her and for one of the few handful of times she was not upset to be so easily recognized. Fame had its ups and downs and this was one of the ups. Still, she could not help the little twinge of guilt from what she was going to do, deny all his friends access to him, even the authorities. But Relena Peacecraft was nothing but determined and in her own way she was on a mission just as vital as any Gundam Pilot mission, or so she told herself.

"Hello Heero," She spoke softly to him as David closed the door behind her, leaving her in privacy with the comatose Gundam Pilot. "It's said that coma victims can often remember when they are spoken to, I hope that you remember this." She took a deep breath to steady her shaking hands and racing heart. "I do love you," Relena confessed. "You probably knew that. I know that you don't love me, you might care but you don't love me and I'm actually glad about that Heero.

"Dorothy was right about us, you know. Things would never have worked, for once the princess doesn't get her fairy tale ending, her happily ever after. I'm only good as a symbol for the peace, aren't I Heero? But that's all right I suppose, it makes things less distracting.

"Do you remember when we first met? I was such a stupid and foolish little girl. I believed that you were my strength, that I needed you for your strength. I had no idea what I was involving myself in and when I realized just how big the Pilots roles were, well, I knew that I could help. I always thought during that time that you would come back to me, protect me and learn to love me. I was such a naïve child and I did things during that first war I shouldn't have done, like following you around so much.

"When you wake up there's something I need you to do for me. I need you to save me again, the peace I mean. There's something wrong and you're the only one I trust to help me in this. I need you Heero, the world needs you. The rest of this conversation can wait until you're awake, which should be in a month according to the doctors. Come back soon Heero."

Making her little speech, even if Heero was comatose, made the situation more real to her. It cemented the dire need that she had and the seriousness of the situation. And either Heero would help her or he would turn his back and walk away. If he walked away she hoped to find another way to diffuse the situation but she knew that she would need Dorothy by her side. Dorothy always saw things so differently from her own point of view, always helped her to clarify things and get to the heart of the matter.

Truthfully Relena did not really know what she was doing, if she was doing the right thing. She had no idea how to compete against a military threat which was why she needed Heero. A part of her told her that she should alert Une but another part told her not to. If Une knew things could escalate beyond her control and the people at the top of this might get away just as they had done the first two times. Relena would not let it happen a third. There had been enough blood spilled in her lifetime and it pained her to know that there might be even more. It sickened her to think that some of those she had worked on peace treaties and other policies with were partially responsible for all those deaths during the uprising and for the start and continuation of war. They were the people who would be the hardest to find and to catch but Heero could do it, she believed in him.

Heero Yuy was the perfect tool to bring them down permanently. He was the only one she trusted enough to work directly for her, to not betray her. She did trust the other Pilots as well, most of them anyway. Duo Maxwell would never understand her position in this, why she had to keep any involvement of herself hidden and he talked too much. Quatre Winner would understand her position but he had his own position to worry about. Chang Wufei was too stubborn and moralistic for her needs, he might also betray her and he would most certainly look down upon her. Trowa Barton, she could never read him, never know what he was thinking and that was dangerous. Only Heero would do for her mission.

And now, a troubled dream was all she had left to cling to in the middle of the night. A might have been was her only safe harbor in the coming storm, her only refuge and hope.

'Dorothy might be right after all,' Relena smiled sadly to herself trying to put back together the pieces of a lost chance into something new. 'I still have a few years until I'm the one who's jaded. For now that role belongs to the fighters of the wars, to Heero, not me.'

Relena Darlian Peacecraft was only the princess who led the picture perfect life and kept everything running smoothly, leading the way to peace. She was the ultimate symbol, no room for imperfection or love. And as a Peacecraft and Darlian it was up to her to carry out her birth and adoptive father's legacies, to live up to their image by making it her image. She belonged solely to the peace and the people, all she had for herself were a bunch of jaded dreams not even good enough to make into reality. Degenerate things that she would never, could never, have. Her only hope of love was something unattainable and out of reach.

And at the end of her long, lonely days she could live with that.