Chapter Four – Your Halo, Slipping Down

When Sara woke up, the first thing she noticed aside from her booming head and painfully burning eyes, was the smell of her room. Normally it smelt of her perfume and shampoo but now it smelt of soap and something distinctly male. It wasn't until she turned over that she knew why. Grissom was sleeping on the small seat that sat in the corner of her room, his glasses on the floor beside him, his head pressed against the wall. Sara gave a small groan before pulling the blankets back over her head. She had vague memories of what had happened the night before. She knew that she had kissed Grissom, knew that she had tried to force him into more but he had pushed her away. What she didn't know is if she rambled as she usually did when she was drunk, if she had indeed told him things that her normal sober self would never had said. She would have stayed in bed all day if her body had not betrayed her and had decided now was the perfect time to go to the bathroom. Sara slipped out of bed as quickly and as quietly as possible, putting on her bathrobe and heading to the bathroom. When she was done, she went back into the bedroom to find Grissom sitting on the end of her bed, his glasses on his face, his eyes still laced with sleep.

"How are you feeling Sara?"

"Tired. Why did you stay over?"

"To make sure you were ok. You had a few too many red wines last night."

Sara smiled at him as she pulled her robe closer to her. She felt exposed to be standing in front of him naked bar her bathrobe. He had seen her in the most vulnerable states but standing in front of him like this was the one way that she could barely tolerate him seeing her.

"I appreciate that. I need to have a shower and-"

"You have a shower and I'll make some coffee. How does that sound?"

She wanted to say no, to tell him to go home but the lure of coffee and his company was something that she could not resist.

"Good."

Grissom gave a slight nodded and headed into the kitchen, leaving Sara alone again in her room. Sara took a moment to gather together some clean clothes before heading back to the bathroom for a quick shower. When she came into the kitchen, Grissom was at the table, sitting patiently, nursing a mug of coffee. He stood and got Sara one, sitting himself across from her. They drank in silence before Sara could not contain her questions any longer.

"Grissom, did I kiss you last night?"

"No"

Sara had to give credit where credit was due. Grissom may be weak in some aspects but lying was by far one of his strong suits. He looked her dead in the eye and maintained the same penetrating contact. She knew what she had done and most of what she had said. What he was trying to do she had no idea but it was kind of endearing that he was trying to protect her from her drunken escapades.

"Grissom, don't lie. I can remember most of what happened last night."

"You do?"

"Unfortunately, yes. And I'm sorry. I tend to get a little out of hand when I am drunk."

Grissom gave her one of his small secret smiles, his hands still wrapped around the mug of coffee.

"I noticed"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You and Keisha seem to get on really well."

"Yeah we do."

"Good. You deserve something good in your life."

"I have you, don't I?"

The words were out before she could stop them. She wanted to scoop them back up and swallow them but they were out and dancing in front of Grissom, whose face was the very epitome of surprise. He forced down the rest of his still hot coffee and placed the mug in the sink before heading towards the door.

"See you later"

And with that he was gone. Sara had the overwhelming urge to throw up but decided to go back to bed and feel sorry for herself. At least she didn't have to face him at work tonight. Small bonus on a really huge problem.

Sara, after a few more hours of rest and some food, managed to crawl out of bed and out of her shame to make her way back to Keisha's house, catching her just as she was coming out of the front door, trying to do a juggling act of dogs and baby. When she spotted Sara, she smiled at her and handed her Quinlee.

"Hey Sara. I thought you would be I bed nursing a red wine hangover."

"I was. But sunshine is better then bed."

"Want to join us for a walk?"

"Sure. Where are we going?"

"Just to the local park up the road."

They walked in silence, their steps even and slow. Sara kept glancing at Keisha, studying her the same way she had at the hospital, still searching for something, anything that would make them seem like sisters. Keisha had everything Sara wanted. The family, the loving husband and the seemingly perfect life. Sara on the other hand had made no move to create a future with anyone, let alone own a house. She didn't own anything beyond the plant that Grissom had given her a few years ago. It wasn't as if Sara was unhappy with where her life stood or where she was in it, it was just that if someone had told her when she was younger that this would be her life she would have laughed at them. She had wanted a family, to be a stay at home mom and maybe work a little on the side. While her life was hardly the worst that anyone could ask for, it was still not the life she had pictured for herself. Worse still, she wasn't sure how she could ever change it. They finally reached the park and Keisha lets the dogs off their leads and settled Quinlee on one of the baby swings, pushing her gently with her foot while they sat on the bench nearby.

"Keisha, can I ask you a personal question?"

"By all means."

"How come you're dealing with the rape so well?"

Keisha sighed, shaking her head at Sara.

"I'm not. It's just that I have six kids and Michel to be strong for. The last thing any of them need is for me to lose it."

"But you have a right to lose it. Someone violated you in the worse one possible and you sit there, living your life as if nothing happened."

"I don't want to lose it Sara. If I do I may never get up again and I can't do that."

"Have you been to any counseling yet?"

"No"

"Keisha, I wasn't even raped and I still had to go to a few sessions. You need to go Keisha. You need to talk to someone."

"I'm talking to you, aren't I?"

"A professional not-"

"A sister?"

"A sister. Just think about it ok? I know some really good people who could help you through this. Help you all through this."

Keisha nodded slightly and continued to push Quinlee, who was giggling madly in her seat, clapping her fat hands. Sara could hardly believe that she was an aunty six times over. A math problem she could do with no real effort, tracking down a ruthless killer was what she did but being an aunty was a scary, very foreign concept.

"You know, I didn't really like Michel when I first met him."

"Really? Why?"

"Because he wasn't like other guys. I met him when I was thirteen and he was so quiet. I was running with a hard crowd at that point, drugs, alcohol, smokes, we did it all. He asked me out exactly one hundred times before I finally said yes."

"Why did you say yes?"

"Because I was sick of him asking me. And for some strange reason I found it intriguing that he didn't treat me that same way that the other boys did. They spoke to my chest, he looked in my eyes. By the time I figured out why he intrigued me so much, it was too late. I fell in love with him. We went out for a couple of years then we got married."

"And what did your parents think of it?"

"Well as you know dad wasn't around but my mother was and she boycotted the wedding. She died two years later before I got the chance to speak to her again."

"I'm sorry"

"Don't be. She chose that way and I was too gutless, young and stupid to try and change it. The only thing I regret is that she never got to meet all of her grandkids. She would have loved Quinlee. Anyway Sara, enough about me, tell me something about you."

Sara offered her a small smile.

"I like bananas."

Keisha smiled back.

"Something aside from loving the same fruit as Quinlee. Tell me something personal."

"I don't know what to tell you, I lead a pretty boring life."

"What about Grissom?"

"What about him?"

"Do you guys have a lot of history?"

"Yeah. He taught at a seminar I attended and we've been in contact ever since."

"I hate to pry but did you guys ever…you know?"

Sara almost laughed out loud. If Keisha knew just how close they had come to sleeping together the night before, she would have a good old laugh.

"No. It never has gotten beyond a boss-friend-supervisor situation."

"But you want it to. He really cares about you Sara. I could see it and I don't even know him that well."

"So how come you see it and I don't?"

"It's all in the way he looks at you. I know that look Sara and it can mean nothing but good things."

"Not for us. It could ruin everything we have built career wise. You know how bad it looks when someone starts dating in house? It could destroy us both."

"It could destroy you both if you do nothing at all. Life is too short Sara, you need to take it with both hands and hold on tight."

Sara nodded, choosing to store that information until a later date. She didn't need to think about it right now but one day she might.

Sara was just fishing her keys out of her handbag when she noticed her door ajar, even though she was certain she locked it. She kicked the door open with her foot, her heart stopping dead in her chest as she looked over the devastation. All the furniture in her living room had been turned upside down, her wall sprayed with red spray pain, 'Slut', 'Stay away bitch' and 'Nosy pig' screamed at her and she could not take her eyes away. She never moved beyond the door way, just gauged the mess from her front door. With tears in her eyes, she stepped back into the hallway, pulling out her cell phone, dialing the numbers that she had memorized years ago.

Grissom arrived just after Brass, who was questioning Sara while the day CSI's worked the scene inside the apartment. She looked so devastated and he resisted the urge to hug her, remembering that they were not in the right kind of forum for such public affection. He settled for placing his hand gently on her elbow.

"Sara, are you ok?"

"No. They trashed the place Grissom. He knows where I live."

"Who?"

"The guy who attacked Keisha and I. Go and have a look at what is written on the walls and tell me I'm wrong."

Grissom did as she told him too and he realized with a sinking heart that she was right. This dangerous rapist knew where she lived and had given her another warning. Next time, she may not be as lucky.

"Brass, can you do anything to protect her?"

"I can put some police on her for a few days but I can't do much else. We don't know for sure it's him."

"But it is. You just need to read what's on the walls Brass. It's him."

"I know that, you know that but until the evidence proves it, there's little I can do."

Grissom sighed and headed back into the hallway to be with Sara. She was sitting on the floor, her back against the wall, silent tears streaking her cheeks. Grissom sat beside her.

"It's going to be ok Sara. You can come and stay with me for a few days."

"I have nothing Grissom. Just the clothes on my back."

"Catherine can lend you something and what she can't, we'll replace."

Sara opened her mouth to protest but closed it when she realized she had no energy left to do so. She was tired of this whole situation and if being with Grissom made her feel safe, which it did, then professionalism be damned. She was going to stay at his place.

She had only been there an hour when true to his word, Catherine showed up, her arms loaded with clothes that she thought would fit Sara. Catherine helped her load the clothes into the set of draws in the guest room where she was sleeping before offering her a ride into town to buy some more underwear.

"Thanks Cath, but I think I need to catch a bit of a nap. I'm so tired."

"After all this I bet you are. Give me a call later if you change your mind ok? I have a day off today."

Sara watched her go before settling herself on the bed and trying to sleep. She failed miserably, especially when she realized that she wasn't ever going to sleep well again until the guy was caught, regardless of where she slept. The attack left her feeling a little insecure but otherwise fine. But this attack at her own home was the one that left her on emotionally shaky ground. It was one thing for her to be attacked outside of a store but for the same person to come inside her own home, violating her privacy and the incredible intimacy of her home, which was worse than anything else as far as she was concerned. She wanted to go home, to sleep in her own bed, not at Grissom's.

"Sara, are you ok?"

Sara nodded, wiping the tears that she had no control over. Grissom came to sit at the end of her bed, handing her a box of tissues that sat on the other side of the bureau.

"You're crying"

"Thanks for stating the obvious Grissom."

"Why are you crying?"

"Because I feel violated. Someone broke into my home and tore it apart. I don't even know if anything is missing. I feel completely unsafe with this guy still running around."

"You're safe here Sara. I would never let anything happen to you."

Sara sighed and sat back further in the pillows, rubbing her tired eyes with the balls of her hands.

"I know Grissom. I just…..It's hard to explain. I'm sorry for putting you out like this."

"Sara, if you were putting me out, I would tell you. You are always welcome here."

"Thank you."

Grissom gave her a small smile, his hand coming to sit on hers.

"You don't need to thank me. Get some sleep and I'll make you something to eat when you wake up."

Sara watched him leave the room, her stomach in knots. It had nothing to do with the feelings of insecurity; it had more to do with the touch of Grissom's hand against her own and the electricity that had zipped between them.