My Blue Stalker (Or How Kisame Got His First Fangirl)
Summary: Everybody knows that Sasuke has his fangirls, along with Gaara, Neji, and all the other guys. But, what happens when Kisame gets his first fangirl? And, what happens if she's totally obsessed, AND works with you?
Genre: Parody/Romance
Warnings: Minor Language, & Sexual Situations.
Disclaimer: The day I own Naruto is the day Flea stops being an asshat.
By aBoOm-Un
"Kisame."
No response.
"Hello? Kisame."
Still no response.
"Kiiiiiiisssssssssaaaaaaammmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeee???"
Nothing.
"KISAME!" A pillow goes flying through the air. It hit the pile of blankets which the fishy-nin was under, and his head popped out from under the covers.
"Hnuh..? Wazhappenin'?" He groaned, his hair wild and vision foggy. A small giggle was heard. "Wha..?" Another giggle was heard. Then…
GLOMP. "Ack!"
"Good morning, Kisame-samaaaaaaaaaa! I brought you food!" Makoto squealed, shoving a tray under his nose.
Kisame rubbed his eyes and said thickly, "Makoto… Why did you bring me fo… And what are you doing?!" Makoto had taken a turn to sitting on Kisame's chest, and stare right down into his face, a grin on her face.
"Well? Aren't you gonna eat it?" Kisame had gotten the sleep out of his eyes, and looked up at his 'breakfast' Makoto was holding...
Kisame blanched.
The so called 'breakfast' Makoto had made for him consisted off burnt toast, half-cooked eggs, and some… Err… So-called 'Apple Juice'. Kisame prayed it was apple juice. He made a face, and managed to choke out, "I-I'm n-not hungry, M-Makoto…" Makoto frowned.
"I spend forever on this breakfast, Kisame-sama…"
"Maybe next time DON'T spend forever, and it could be edible…" "I'm just not hungry, Makoto. Now if you excuse me, I have stuff to do."
Makoto smiled at Kisame. "Alright, Kisame-sama!" Taking note she was still sitting on his chest, she leant down, lips puckered…
Kisame's eyes widened. "Oh crap." He rolled off his bed, just as Makoto's face pressed up against the area where his head was just a moment ago. Kisame jumped to his feet, his eyes wide.
Makoto stared at Kisame, her face blank. Kisame blinked twice. Makoto started drooling. And that's when he realized why she was drooling.
Crap.
Kisame gritted his teeth in frustration, and grabbed a dressing-gown off the floor. Makoto stopped drooling, and smiled at him. "I'll help you with the stuff you have to do!" She squealed, running over to him and grabbing his arm. Kisame's eye twitched. He let out a strained laugh, and said, "That won't be necessary, Makoto…"
"But I wannaaaaa!!" Makoto whined, pressing herself up to him. Kisame screwed up his eyes in frustration, and muttered, "Please go away…"
"Thank yoooouuuu, Kisame-sama!" Makoto squealed, hugging him tightly. Kisame cussed under his breath. Crap, it was too early in the morning for this…Kisame walked out of the room, Makoto pressing her face up to his shoulder. Suddenly, he was struck by inspiration.
"Makoto… Can you do something for me?" Makoto's eyes lit up. She let go of his arm, jumped back, and nodded furiously.
"Sure thing, Kisame-sama!"
"Alright Makoto. Go to the kitchen, and get me… Those Takigakure herbs, and make me…A sandwich." Makoto blinked, but then grinned happily.
"Of course, Kisame-sama!" She then sprinted off down the hallway. Kisame rolled his eyes. Honestly, that girl was a psychopath…
As soon as Makoto was gone, Kisame walked into the tiny room that served as the bathroom, got rid of his clothes and turned on the shower. The fishy-nin climbed in, and was engulfed by a puff of steam. Kisame sighed deeply, and let the hot water cloud up the screen door and fall down his skin, making his body prickle and tingle. He rested his hand on the wall, and shut his eyes that (for once) weren't screwed up in pain, horror or annoyance. He let his thoughts disappear, and his mind felt relaxed. Makoto, Akatsuki, Kyuubi… It all faded from his mind. For once, he felt fully at peace. He was so relaxed, he didn't even hear the shower door open.
"Aiiiiiiiii!" Kisame's eyes snapped open. He looked to the side, to see Makoto just kinda… Standing there. The worst thing was where her eyes were traveling to…
"Gaaahhh! Get lost!" Kisame yelled, pushing her out of the door, while desperately trying to block her view of him and cover himself. His hand went straight over her eyes, and shoved her roughly out of the doorway, and slammed the shower door shut once more. He took a deep, shuddering breath in, and slumped back against the wall, twitching slightly.
Bloody Perverted Fangirls.
He opened the shower door ever-so-slightly, and peeked out. Makoto wasn't there anymore. Good. He reached out, and grabbed one of the towels, and wrapped it around him. He took one final look around, (just to double-check, y'know. She can be very crafty and perverted sometimes.) He stepped out and slid out of the bathroom back to his room before she could realise he wasn't there anymore.
Creak.
Kisame slowly poked his head out his bedroom door…
"HI KISAME-SAMA!"
Kisame recoiled. "Hi, Makoto…"
"Where did you go before? See, I'm sorry about the thing before, so to make up for it, I GOT YOU A PRESENT!!!" She shrieked, shoving a box into this hands. Kisame flinched slightly at the noise, but then said weakly, "Cheers. Now, can I go yet?"
Makoto grinned. "Yeah!" Kisame took two steps down the hallway, and then looked back at Makoto. She grinned and waved wildly.
"Have a good day, Kisame-sama!"
Kisame half-heartedly gave a smile in return, and took another two steps.
BAM.
Makoto was back onto his arm. "Unless you want me to hang around with you all day, Kisame-sama…" She crooned, rubbing her face into his neck.
The missing-nin only just resisted the urge to shred her to bits with Samehada, and said weakly, "No, I'm fine, Makoto…"
"Yay! Thank you, Kisame-sama!"
"Does she have hearing problems?" Kisame walked off down the hallway, Makoto attached to him like a leech.
Meanwhile, Itachi and Deidara were currently sitting in the kitchen, sharing a jug of what suspiciously looked like a margarita, discussing the now-annoying and ever-growing youth.
"My stupid little brother is still trying to kill me… Hell, it was about 7 years ago! Get over it, you stupid, annoying, gay-Orochimaru-manwhore!" Itachi said rather loudly, slamming his glass down on the table. Deidara nodded wildly in agreement.
"It's bloody moronic, un!" He shouted, glass tipping dangerously in his hands. He then slowly blinked twice and slurred, "Does he still use that makeup, un?"
"What makeup?"
"Y'know, the purple lipstick, un…"
"Wait, he uses lipstick?! How come I was never told?! THAT WHORE!" Itachi screeched, swaying slightly in his chair. Deidara let out a giggle. "He is a whore. An OROCHIMARU whore, un!"
Itachi and Deidara yelled out a "Whoooooaaaaaaaa!" and fell back into their chairs, Deidara giggling, Itachi frowning and muttering under his breath. Kisame raised an eyebrow. This didn't go unnoticed by Makoto, who sighed loudly, tossed back her hair, and said, "Honestly Itachi, Deidara. How childish can you get?"
Deidara blinked one eye and then the other. Makoto sighed. "Honestly. Men NEVER listen."
Itachi, engrossed with scratching something into the table, looked up and said, "Wha..? Sorry? You said something?" Makoto glared at the two tipsy missing-nins, and muttered something illegible, but Kisame caught a few words like "Unbelievable…", and "Bloody idiots…"
Kisame plonked himself down at the table, and Makoto just decided that there were no seats left and sat on Kisame's lap. Itachi and Deidara both looked at the 'happy couple', and then looked at each other. Then they snickered. Itachi began to hum the wedding march, and Deidara, who didn't have any rose petals on him, replaced it with… Margarita. Yeah. He threw margarita onto Kisame and Makoto, saturating them, and getting Kisame straight in the eyes.
"BLOODY HELL!" His hands flew up to his eyes, and he began to rub them furiously. "Bloody idiot!" Makoto gasped.
"Kisame-sama! You ok?" Kisame was out to snap at her, but her hands went up to his eyes, and he felt some familiar chakra flow into them.
"Oh yeah… She's a medic, isn't she? Oops."
"Is it feeling any better, Kisame-sama?" Makoto purred, her face close to his. Kisame blinked.
"Yeah. Can I tell Itachi about our mission now?"
"Why not here and now?"
"Err… Personal. Now, PLEASE GET OFF." Makoto's smile dropped, and she put on a pouting face.
"Fine. Be that way." Makoto climbed off Kisame (Kisame was celebrating in his head) and Kisame walked over to Itachi (who was staring off into space), grabbed him the hair, and pulled him out of the room. When Kisame pulled Itachi out of the room, Makoto looked at Deidara, who was staring at her. Makoto then sighed, and whined, "Oh, Deidara. I'm starting to get the feeling Kisame-sama doesn't like me."
Two days later, Kisame and Itachi were sent out on their mission. They were sent on an assassination mission to the… -Dun Dun Duuuuun!- Hot Springs village. The day they left, Makoto was hysterical.
"KISAME-SAMA! YOU CAN'T LEAVE NOW!"
Kisame's ear still rang with her shrill, annoying voice. He winced again, and rubbed his ears. Itachi gave him a strange look. "Kisame, what the hell are you doing?"
Kisame looked across at Itachi through squinted eyes, and muttered, "Nothing Itachi." Itachi frowned at the fishy-nin, who was wincing and rubbing his temples.
Itachi sighed, and pulled a scroll out of his cloak. "Alright, so what we have to do is head to the Hot Springs Village. Apparently, there is a dude there who is owner of a drug which apparently can calm tailed beasts. If it actually works, this could help our goal greatly.
"So, we needa kill and rob the poor bastard?" Kisame groaned, frowning at the floor. Itachi nodded.
"Kisame, you look as if you have a pinecone shoved up your ass. What's up?" The Ex-Mist nin glared at the weasel, and opened his mouth to say something, but then shut it slowly. Itachi smirked at him, and then said, "So. Are you gonna tell me what's up?"
"Headache." Kisame grunted, screwing his eyes up in pain. "Damn Makoto's voice won't stop shrieking in my ears."
Itachi shrugged. "I personally don't notice Makoto. She's just kinda… There."
Kisame frowned at him. "At least YOU don't have a freakin' stalker, Itachi." Itachi snorted and tossed his head.
"You wanna bet?" He then undid the clasps on his cloak, to reveal a mass of… Pink and red paper, cards, and chocolate. God knows, there was probably some used tampons in there as well. "Tokens of 'appreciation' from MY fangirls." Itachi said hotly, glaring at the mass of pink and red. "I get them every year." Kisame raised an eyebrow.
"You carry them around with you?"
"They super-glued it TO the cloak, bastard. Why would I carry this stuff around with me?"
"Dunno. You feel loved that way?"
"I don't need to feel loved, idiot. I'm Uchiha Itachi. Ring a bell?"
"What, the mass murderer of his clan?"
"Of course."
"Aa."
"Touché."
"You say 'Touché', Itachi?"
"Obviously. Why else would I have said it just then?"
"…Sugar-high?"
"I don't EAT sugar, idiot."
"…You're right."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah really."
"No way."
"Yes way."
"…You ruined it, Kisame."
"What did I do?"
"Are you deaf? I told you."
"…Weasel."
"Fishy."
"Let's just get to the freakin' village before I bite your head off…"
"You're also a cannibal, Kisame?"
"No…"
The two walked in silence for a couple of hours until Itachi spoke again. "Kisame, how did Makoto even get into the Akatsuki?"
Kisame groaned. "It's my fault…"
FLASHBACK-NO-JUTSU
A explosion went off in the far West corner of the small village. Kisame's gaze turned sharply to a scream which penetrated the air.
"It was from direction of the hospital, Kisame-san." Tobi whispered to him, as he ran past. Kisame looked at the swirly masked-nin, and shrugged. He then turned to Zetsu.
"Shall we go fetch us a Medic-nin, Zetsu?"
"Suit yourself, fish." "We're gonna go do some looting."
Kisame nodded. "Mm…'Kay. I'll go get us a Medic." Zetsu headed to the southern district, while Kisame headed to the west, where the fiery remains of the hospital resided.
When the Ex-Mist nin reached the hospital, he kicked the door down. Smoke instantly greeted his lungs, and he let out a large, hacking cough.
He raised an arm over his mouth, and through squinted eyes, examined the lobby. Bodies lay on the floor. Suddenly, there was a hasty movement from the corner.
His gaze snapped over to the movement. There were two Medic-nin sitting in the corner. One lay motionless in the others lap, while the other looked wildly around for an escape. It was a woman Kisame saw. Her thin, medium-length blue hair fell down in-front of her face, and her eyes were a pale amber. Her eyes rested on Kisame, and she let out a shriek.
"HOLY CRAP!"
Kisame rolled his eyes, and walked over to her. She pushed herself back up into the corner, her eyes widened with fear. As Kisame stood in-front of her, she stammered, "P-Please don't h-hurt me, o-oh h-h-honorable o-one…"
Kisame rolled his eyes. "Oh Honorable One? That's pathetic." And, with one motion, he knelt down, picked her up and threw her over his shoulder.
"Wha..? Oi, you! Yeah YOU!!!" Kisame looked at her. "Put me down, you ugly brute!"
"Ugly brute? That's harsh." Kisame said boredly. The young woman glared at him.
"I said, PUT ME DOWN!!! You've got three seconds… One…"
"I don't wanna hurt you…"
"TWO…"
"Seriously."
"TWO AND A HALF…"
THWACK.
Kisame sharply brought his fist down on her back. She let out a hacking cough, spat up some blood, and then collapsed unconscious.
Kisame walked out of the building, the young woman over his shoulder. "Kisame, who's that?" Zetsu asked, raising an eyebrow at the woman over his shoulder. Kisame shrugged.
"What, was I s'posed to ask her what her name was first, before I knocked her out?"
"You knocked her out, Kisame-san?" Tobi squeaked, his hands on his face. "That wasn't nice."
Kisame frowned at Tobi. "She called me an ugly brute."
"Oh, you POOR darling. Would you like me to bend over and kiss your feet?" Zetsu sneered. "Seriously, do you expect her to be kind?"
FINISH FLASHBACK-NO-JUTSU
"Now that I look back, I would have preferred it if she still called me a ugly brute…" Kisame moaned, kicking the ground. Itachi smirked at him.
"So, a person who first of all called you an ugly brute now hails you?"
"Basically."
"You poor bastard. What, did you kill a priest or something?"
"I dunno. You lose count after a while."
As a gate appeared in the distance, a smile broke onto Kisame's face. "It's about damn time!"
Itachi put on a fake smile. "Well, the time just FLEW by, didn't it?"
There was a large puff of steam. As the steam cleared away, it revealed a deserted hot spring… Nah, not entirely deserted. There was two guys in it. Two hot guys. Two hot, remarkably evil guys from a homicidal organization which is home to a fish, a plant, a weasel, a idiot with a swirly mask, a obsessed crazy woman, a crazy bomb specialist, and a mysterious dude with a dark shadow surrounding him at all times.Creepy, eh?
"Hah. No Makoto for most likely weeks on end. That alone, is complete and utter BLISS." Kisame bubbled (heh) happily, giving Itachi that (nervous/murderous –Boom/Makoto bitchfight-) smile. Itachi looked blankly at Kisame.
"She made you… Bubble happily." Kisame shrugged.
"She made YOU burst out laughing."
The raven-haired youngun glared at the fishy with the famous Uchiha Death Glare©, which shouldhave been enough to make him run away screaming.
I underlined should, didn't I?
Kisame and Itachi stayed in there for a couple of hours, Kisame happily flopping around like the little fishy he was. After another couple of hours, Itachi became embarrassed to be in his presence, so he sighed and told him, "I'm gonna actually look around for the dude now. Have fun… Being a fish." Itachi gave him another weird look, and then climbed out of the spring. (Boom whips out a camera, after being all other Itachi fangirls to a bloody death –cough-I'mnotperverted-cough-)
Kisame stopped flopping around, looked Itachi straight in the eye, who was currently wrapping a towel around his waist (-I'mnotperverted!-cough-) Itachi looked back at the Shark-nin, and shrugged. "Suit yourself, Kisame. I'm out."
Itachi walked out of the spring's villa, clutching the towel around his waist.
("Nufufufu!" Boom squealed, grabbing the towel and running off.
"What the hell?!" Itachi said hotly, jumping back into the springs. "What the hell is your problem?!"
"Love me!!!" Boom squealed, eyes going off in different directions. Itachi and Kisame looked strangely at each other, and shrugged.
Kisame climbed out of the spring, and whacked Boom over the head with a frying pan. Boom collapsed on the tile floor in a messy heap, a trail of blood trickling out of her skull. Itachi clasped his hands together and mouthed "Thank God!"
-cough-
Matt clasped his hands together, and mouthed, "Thank God as well!"
"Very sorry, Boom is currently in a perverted mood. Sorry for any inconvenience. Enjoy the rest of the story, and have a nice day." Caitlyn sighed into the microphone.)
Itachi walked off, tugging his towel up a bit further up his waist.
("DAMMIT!" Boom shrieked, bashing her head on the laptop. "I can't describe male anatomy!"
"Yes you can!" Lucy shrieked in return, 6 houses down the road. "Believe in yourself! Dattebayo!"
Boom screwed up her face in thought, and then screamed out, "PENIS!"
About 4 kilometers away, there was a ten second delay, and then Tashy screamed with laughter.
-cough-)
Kisame watched his partner leave the springs villa, shrugged, and then fell backwards, staring up at the ceiling. He drifted across the watery surface. He stared up at the ceiling, until about 10 minutes later, he saw a flash of blue.
Oh. My. GOD. Please, oh PLEASE God, please no…
Kisame slunk under the water, and curled up into a ball underwater. Please God, no…
He stayed under the water for about 5 minutes, until he discovered he actually had to breathe, so he came quickly up to the surface and let out a huge gasp for air. As soon as he did so, he heard a small giggle, and scampering footsteps.
"CRAP…"
He sunk back underwater for about 2 minutes, until he saw a black shape appear up on the surface of the water.
"Assbiscuits."
Kisame sighed in anguish (which came out as a ton of bubbles) and then swam up to the surface. He may as well face it like a man.
"Makoto, what the hell are you doing here?" Makoto's jaw dropped.
"Kisame-sama, what the hell are you doing here?"
"…Makoto, this is a MEN'S hot spring."
"Heh… My bad." She stated simply, blushing furiously. Kisame raised an eyebrow at her, and then frowned at her.
"Makoto, go home. You shouldn't be here. This is Itachi and I's mission."
"Actually, that's the thing…" Makoto said sheepishly, rubbing the back of her head. "The Leader sent me to help you guys out… After all, I AM a medic. What if you get hurt?"
"Makoto… We could be BOMBED, and we wouldn't get a scratch. Please… GO HOME." Makoto looked hurt, and Kisame silently kicked himself. Hell, he may not think much of her, but the Akatsuki needed her. A medic is needed in a crazy, homicidal organization.
Kisame screwed up his eyes, and sunk back down under the water. All he could say or think was nothing more than…
"Bloody hell."
"So, so, Kisame-sama, when are we going to get the drug and kick that dudes ass?!" Makoto giggled, rolling around on his bed, obviously trying to look sexy, but looking more like Deidara after he and Sasori had the WHOLE Akatsuki lair all to themselves...ALL NIGHT…Itachi watched the entire scene with bemusement (once more), and Kisame felt like crying. Poor fishy. Kisame sighed, and began to stiffly pace around the room.
"We'll do it tomorrow, hopefully."
Itachi, who had taken a seat across the room stood up, looked at Kisame, and pulled him into the hallway of the house they… Ehhh, 'rented'. (Nah, they actually killed the owner of the house to keep it. Hell, nobody would notice that the person was gone. She was a hermit.)
"Kisame, I thought you wanted to stay here for a bit…"
Kisame looked at Itachi though a painful glare. "I wanted to keep away from HER for a bit. What's the point now?"
Itachi opened his mouth, but then looked off into space, shut his mouth, and frowned at the floor. Itachi hated being outsmarted. After a bit of angsting, he looked straight at Kisame, and said in monotone, "I'm hungry."
Kisame stared blankly at the weasel, which was now in chibi form, just because Boom loved Chibi Dachi-kun so much.
("Bloody hell, I hate you Boom…" Itachi grumbled, as he looked over her shoulder as she stared at the same chibi Itachi picture which she had been staring at for the past 10 minutes. Kisame rolled his eyes, and turned back to the TV which was conveniently placed in front of the couch Boom was sitting on. Boom's brother Matt was at the computer, listening to the Numa Numa dance. "I can't believe you actually made me so OOC, Boom. I thought you had more sense than that." Boom blinked twice at Itachi.
"I have sense? Cool."
Itachi, Kisame and Matt all fell down anime-style.)
After a bit, Makoto had dragged them all off to a dango shop, which Itachi was secretly rejoicing that she did so. Kisame boredly poked at his dango, as Makoto attempted to feed some to him, and Chibi Dachi-kun had taken it in his fingers and was taking small bites out of it, taking shifty glances around. Itachi never admitted it, but he loved dango as a child, and won't stop loving it now. Even if there was a freakishly obsessed girl trying to feed a oversized fish out of water it…
Chibi Dachi-kun sighed. "This world is a strange place."
Makoto gave up trying to feed Kisame after a bit, and began to sulk. Chibi Dachi-kun nibbled through three plates of dango, and Kisame was prepared to murder them both if they didn't leave within the next 3 seconds. "Let's go home, guys."
"What? Why?" Chibi Dachi-kun said, glaring at his partner. A large plate of dango had been placed in front of him, and Chibi Dachi-kun grabbed a piece of the plate. "I like it here."
"Y-yeah, yeah!" Makoto said hastily. "I like it here too! Just a little longer, Kisame-samaaa?" Makoto put on a cute face. Well, at least SHE thought it was cute. She looked more like Ray Romano.
Kisame recoiled in horror, and Itachi gagged on the piece of dango. "Let's go!"
In the hurry, Itachi knocked over the stools, and Kisame pushed aside a old lady who fell down, making Makoto stop to pick her up. When Makoto was distracted, Itachi and Kisame ran for it.
Kisame lay awake that night, staring up at the ceiling. It was too hot to sleep, anyway. Itachi could never sleep, so he left the room a while ago. He mentioned something about wanting some sushi, and then rolled out of bed, and headed to the house's kitchen. Kisame stayed in his bed, staring straight up. He had been there for about 2 hours, until he began to feel a bit hungry. He rolled out of his bed, and went out of the room, down the hallway to the kitchen. As he past one of the doors, he heard a low moan.
"..?"
Startled, he snuck closer to the door. It was Makoto's door… What was going on? Kisame was about to open the door and see, when he heard another moan, and then a whisper.
"Kisame-sama…"
Itachi chose that moment to walk out of the kitchen and into the hallway, holding a bento box filled with sushi, to where Kisame stood. He felt like crying again. This time though, he didn't just feel it.
Kisame gritted his teeth in frustration, and pulled on his hair tightly. After a bit of trying to keep it all in, and about 10 strange looks from Itachi, Kisame collapsed onto the ground, and sobbed.
Itachi recoiled. This, was a disgusting sight to behold. A fully grown S-class missing shark nin, lying on the floor sobbing because he had a freakin' female dreaming about him.
"Kisame, get up. Do you know how many men would want a female orgasm caused because of them?"
This didn't help Kisame in any way. In fact, it probably just made him even more depressed. He wailed loudly, "Why? Why me?"
"Why not you?"
Kisame glared at Itachi with something that could match the Uchiha Death Glare©, but Itachi's gaze didn't waver.
"You REALLY aren't helping, weasel."
"I didn't want to help, fish. You over-react."
Kisame stopped at these words. He didn't over-react… Did he?
…Did he?
Itachi sighed, and stared straight at Kisame. "Most people would DIE for a fangirl. And besides, you're lucky anybodywould consider dating you."
Kisame frowned at him. "And how would you get both sides of your argument? After all, you've never had a RABID fangirl." Itachi raised an eyebrow.
"Wanna bet?"
He walked over to a nearby window, and pulled open the curtains. What was there made Kisame want to puke.
Boom had her face pressed up to glass, and was holding a large bouquet of flowers. "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Dachi!" She squealed. She then pushed the flowers up to the window, and rubbed them against it. "I brought flowers this time!"
Itachi quickly pulled the curtains shut, and shuddered slightly. "I dunno HOW she got my address, but she's been following me everywhere…"
Kisame closed his eyes, and thought for a bit. After a couple of minutes, he said slowly, "So… You wanted to tell me basically, that Makoto isn't a curse?"
"What? No, no way. She IS a curse, a huge curse! Just… Maybe you should be optimistic about it."
Kisame snorted, and tossed his head. "Look who's talking, Mr. Angst-King." Itachi frowned.
"I hoped that the fangirls would stop liking me if I went emo. I was wrong. DEAD WRONG." Itachi cringed slightly about something, but then regained his composure.
"Get some sleep, Kisame. We have a big day."
"What the hell are you talking like that to me, youngun?"
"Why do you call me youngun? It sounds like you wanna get into my pants."
"Who would wanna get into YOUR pants, Itachi?"
"…Boom."
"Aa."
With that, they walked back off the their (SHARED) bedroom, Itachi still holding the bento box, and raising it up to his mouth. Kisame stopped in his tracks, and held up a hand.
"Don't even touch that sushi, Itachi."
"…Kisame, the fish is already DEAD."
"It's still a fish."
"…Freak."
Kisame smacked him on the back of his head. Nah, Itachi's too UBER AWESOME to be hit. He dodged the blow, and frowned at his blue-skinned partner. "You've been on edge ever since Makoto became a fangirl."
Kisame let out a snort, and stared Itachi straight in the eyes. "She's not a fangirl, Itachi. She's a stalker. My. Blue. Stalker."
Itachi looked boredly at him. "Get used to it, stop bitching about it, EAT her, that's what Zetsu would do, I don't care, just don't mention her for the rest of the trip or we'll be having sushi for dinner. Real, wriggling, BLUE sushi."
Itachi walked off down the hallway, leaving Kisame at a loss for words. But soon, Kisame walked back into the room, and fell backwards onto his bed. After a couple of long hours of lying awake, Kisame eventually dosed off, and woke up late, about 11:30am. Strangely enough, he wasn't awoken by Makoto. No breakfast in bed, no screeching, no wakeup smooch…(Well, she only tried to smooch…) Nothing. This, to Kisame, was shocking. After lying there for about 15 minutes, Kisame rolled out of the bed and went to the kitchen were he was originally heading to 10 hours earlier. When he pushed open the door, he was greeted with a rather strange sight.
Makoto and Itachi were sitting calmly at the table, Makoto holding a cup of steaming tea. She looked over in Kisame's direction, who had a blank expression on his face. "'Morning, Kisame-sama. Want some tea?"
"Errrrr… No thanks, Makoto..?" Kisame choked out, still in shock. Makoto was sane, and oh GOD, Itachi looked as if he was smiling slightly. Itachi looked over at Kisame, and nodded slightly. "Morning." Kisame shakily raised a hand in greeting. Seriously, had the world been destroyed and we all went to hell as he slept? He slowly walked over to the table and pulled out a chair. He sunk into it, and occasionally twitched. Makoto pushed her chair out, and stood up. She looked at the two men sitting at the table, and smiled at them. "I'll catch you guys later, I s'pose. Itachi-san, Kisame-sama."
She bowed politely, and left the room quickly. Kisame gaping at the door where she left. Itachi sighed, and rested his head in his hands. "Kisame. She isn't that bad, y'know. She's pretty knowledgeable."
Kisame croaked out, "Itachi complimenting others? Bloody hell, the world really has blown up."
Itachi raised an eyebrow, but then smirked. "A lot happened when you were asleep."
"Lemme guess, you screwed her?"
"WHAT?! Does 'Mr. Angst-King' bring back memories?"
"Angst doesn't mean you can't screw her."
"Nah, I wouldn't. She has no chest."
Kisame gaped at his partner, who was remarkably calm about what he just said. "Oh, so you're the expert on boobs?"
"Nope. I am the Uchiha-clan genius, so I naturally know these types of things."
"What? What's the best size for boobs?"
"…Yes."
"Alright, super-genius. What is the best size for boobs?"
"…AB through to C. Big are gross."
Kisame gaped at him, his eyes wide and… Fishy. (Goddammit. Can't I think of a better word? Hahaha, I'm such a perv.)
Itachi sighed, and poked him on the forehead. "Poor Kisame. Someday you'll understand." The Konoha Missing-Nin then exited the room. A couple of seconds after Itachi left, Kisame blinked, and then frowned.
"What the hell is that s'posed to mean, Itachi?!"
A couple of hours later, Kisame , Itachi and Makoto were traveling down the street, with no particular purpose. However, most people screamed when they saw Kisame and either wet their pants in fear, hid in dumpsters, or had a heart attack right there and then. Itachi continued walking on as if he was used to it (Which he was…), Makoto looked deathly embarrassed, and Kisame's expression was blank. He was used to people being afraid of him… Especially ladies.
Kisame sighed, and bowed his head slightly. He didn't admit it to anybody (except to Deidara that one time…(1)) but he sometimes envied his partner. Hell, he was younger, better-looking, and more talented than him. Hell, he could see a girl now, eyeing him with those lust-filled eyes. Itachi always brushed them off passively; he actually said that he never noticed them. Oh, but Kisame noticed them…
"Kisame-sama? You alright?" Makoto's voice broke him out of his thoughts. He laid his eyes upon her small form. Her eyes were filled with concern. "Are you feeling ok?"
Kisame narrowed his eyes slightly, and Makoto took a small step back. A twang of guilt flooded his mind for a moment, and Kisame shuddered slightly. He then gave Makoto a weak smile, who was looking at him, her eyes now wide with concern. "I'm fine, Makoto. Don't bother worrying about me." He then walked on ahead.
Makoto opened her mouth to protest, but Itachi grabbed her arm. "He said don't bother. You want to respect his wishes, don't you?" Makoto looked Itachi straight in the eyes. His gaze was cold and hard, and she flinched slightly. Itachi blinked, and let go of her arm. Makoto pulled her arm away, and gazed off at Kisame's retreating back. She sighed slightly, and walked after him. Itachi walked her walk off, but then followed after her.
A young voice shouted, "Katon: Gōkaikyū no Jutsu!" There was a loud shriek as a large fireball came hurling towards the guards. There was another loud shriek of pain as the guards protecting the prison felt their flesh melt away from their bodies as they came in contact with Itachi's Grand Fireball Technique. Itachi walked passively into the building, but then looked behind him and stopped. "Makoto. Aren't you going to help us?"
Makoto shrugged. "I'll come in if I need to, which probably won't happen. Apparently, you could be BOMBED, and you wouldn't get a scratch." She looked over in Kisame's direction, who had his back turned to her. He walked into the building, leaving Makoto and Itachi behind. Both watched him walk in, until Itachi followed after him. Makoto sighed, and leant back against the brick wall next to her.
"This sucks."
Kisame and Itachi walked into the prison, to be greeted by thick smoke and hot flames. Kisame coughed, and Itachi squinted into the abyss of smog.
"We'll split up and look for him. Look for a nutcase in a cell." Itachi rasped, as he let out a large, hacking cough. Kisame nodded quickly, his eyes watering.
Itachi walked off to the left, and Kisame stepped off the right. Kisame, who was still squinting, looked out into the smoke-filled abyss. There were occasionally a few screams of fear, but Kisame brushed them off. He walked through the corridors for a while, taking a quick look in all the cells as he walked past them. Most people in the cells were already dead, but there were a couple who were screaming. None of them where the crackpot supposedly with the drug, but soon Kisame found him. The man was in a straitjacket, and was cackling gleefully to himself. Kisame frowned, but then said, "You. Are you 'Kyūkon Rei?'"
Rei looked up at him, and then cackled in glee. "You from that crazy organization? Who collect the doggies and the kitties and the foxes?"
Kisame raised an eyebrow. "You can say that. You own the drug?"
Rei cackled gleefully. "That's me, Daddy-o. You want it? It's here." Rei wiggled a bit, and soon, a small glass bottle came rolling towards Kisame. Kisame snatched it off the floor, and shook it slightly.
"It actually works?"
Rei grinned at Kisame, showing bleeding gums and missing teeth. "It's whatever you want it to be, beautiful." Rei puckered his lips, and cackled again. Kisame frowned at him.
"You've got issues. I'm out."
Kisame stepped out of the cell, the small bottle clenched in his fist. As he walked of, he failed to notice the figure hiding in the shadows.
The figure side-stepped out of the shadows, into one of the cells. The shark-nin looked behind him, hearing the noise. "What was that?"
He shrugged it off, and walked down the burning corridor. Damn, he could barely breathe. The sooner he got out of this place, the better…
THUD.
Someone whacked Kisame sharply around the back of the head with tremendous force. The fish-nin let out a sharp yelp of pain, but then slumped down in the middle of the hallway, dark flames burning around him, coming closer and closer towards his unconscious body.
"Urrrgggg…" Kisame let out a groan. Damn, he felt as if he was hit by a friggin' freight train… He was lying down… Where? There was no smoke in his lungs, and the place smelt of, strangely enough, flowers… He sat up slowly, but then grimaced and collapsed over the side of the bed, retching violently. After he was done, he fell backwards onto the bed he was lying on, breathing heavily. He looked up at the ceiling, panting. He screwed up his face, and slowly sat up, looking at the surroundings. He was in a small, sweet-smelling room, which was painted beige. Makoto was sitting in a small cane chair next to the bed, a worried smile on her face. Itachi was standing by the doorway, passive as always.
"Ah. It's nice to see that you're going live, Kisame." Itachi commented coolly. Makoto gave a watery chuckle, and smiled weakly at Kisame.
"What happened? Where am I? Do you have the drug?" Kisame's mind was bombarded with a million thoughts, all colliding into each other as they came. Kisame winced slightly as his mind was flooded with thoughts, and felt a sharp pain through his temples. He let out a quiet whimper, and fell back onto the pillows. A small pair on hands were placed on his temples and a familiar chakra ran through his head. He opened his eyes to see Makoto leaning over slightly, spreading chakra through his pounding head. He smiled weakly at her, who gave him a smile in return.
"Hey, Makoto…? You never answered my questi-"
"Itachi-san found you in the hallway. He managed to pull you out before the building caved in, along with the drug."
"It's a dud." Itachi said, a tone of bitterness in his voice. "I should have known that dude was a crackpot." Makoto smiled once more at Kisame.
Kisame sighed; he couldn't believe he was actually going to say this, but…
"Thanks, Makoto."
Makoto gave him a grin. "It's totally fine, Kisame-sama."
"Can I make it up to you?"
"Well actually, you can…" Makoto murmured, her eyes looking off the right. She looked at Kisame, and blushed slightly. Kisame realized where she was getting at.
"Makoto, ANYTHING but that."
She stopped smiling, and glared at him. "After all I did for y-"
"For God's sake, just kiss her already. It isn't that bad." Itachi said boredly, looking at the scene in amusement.
Kisame gulped. "Decoy, decoy, for GOD'S SAKE, I need a decoy…"
"S-See, Makoto… I can't kiss you because… Because…" Makoto raised an eyebrow at the fishy-nin, who has a bead of sweat rolling down his face.
"It's because…"
Itachi approached the bedside, and stood there expectantly, his arms folded.
Ding. A lightbulb went off in Kisame's head.
"I can't kiss you because… I love Itachi!"
Makoto's jaw fell to the floor, and Itachi's eyes went wide. "What the…? Kisame, I don't swing that way…"
"I love you, weasel-kun!" Kisame said hastily, trying to make it look real. He jumped out the bed, and…
"..."
"Oh GOD! You taste like a friggin' FISH!"
"Love you too, Dachi-kun!"
"…"
Itachi pulled away, in a desperate attempt to get away from his deranged partner. Makoto promptly had a nosebleed and fell to the floor. Kisame stopped trying to kiss his partner, pulled away, and spat a few times.
"Bloody hell! You taste DISGUSTING, Itachi!"
"Well you don't exactly taste like chocolate, Kisame…" Itachi grumbled, then spat a few times. "God, you taste like a fish! A friggin' FISH!!"
The two looked at Makoto's pale, twitching form. "She's a perv."
"I know. She walked in on me in the shower."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"All women are weird."
"You're telling me. Does 'Blue Stalker' ring a bell?"
"Yeah. Most women try to rip my clothes."
"That's disgusting."
"Hn."
Kisame looked at his partner, who was still looking at Makoto's twitching form.
"Wanna go gay?"
Itachi opened his mouth in horror, but then shut it when Kisame added, "It'll get Boom off you back."
A few moments silence.
"I'm in!"
(1) Hahaha. In the preview for Shippuden Episode 19 (I think…) Kisame and Deidara were talking about Itachi. Funny, funny stuff. Gave me the inspiration to finish the fic.
…Through reading this fic over looking for spelling errors, I discovered I was a lot like Makoto. And NO, if you actually read this stupid, crappy story, you would realize that that ISN'T a good thing. Oh dear. --;;
All reviewers get a kiss from all the Akatsuki.
Love always,
-aBoOm-Un
xxoo