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FlashbackI sit on the floor in my bathroom and look at the little white stick in my hand. It shows me two pink stripes. I feel my head starts to spin and I close my eyes tightly. This can't happen it can't be real.
I just moved out of Logan's apartment two weeks ago. I live with Paris again and I just started to feel like it should be like this and now I'm pregnant. It just can't be real.
I told Logan that I need distance and time to think but now I feel like a bomb is ticking inside me. And it just waits to explode. How can I decide if I ever want to be with him again if I am carrying his child right now. I can't make a decision in a moment like this.
I stand up and go to the sink. I look into my pale face in the mirror. No one knows yet that I'm pregnant but soon I have to tell people. When I remember right I should be in the 8 week right now. Because 8 weeks ago it was the last time I have been together with Logan. Before everything turned into bad. Before Honor's wedding and before my mistake.
I breath deeply when I think about Logan. How am I going to tell him that I'm pregnant and that I'm going to get his child? Because getting rid of it isn't an option for me. I could never ever do this.
I have to talk to Logan again soon and it scares me a lot. If I ever thought about talking to Logan again in the past two weeks then it wasn't because of something like this. I thought that we could start new and get to know each other again. But now everything has changed.
Flashback ends
We' re sitting in the dining room and waiting for dessert. My maid Anna working in the kitchen. I'm glad that I have her because otherwise Ally would just eat junk food. Even if I tried to learn to cook several times in the past years I still don't like it.
Ally is still telling stories about her trip to the zoo and it amuses me how she describes everything. You can hear, even if she is just 3 years old, that her parents are reporters.
I work at a paper in Hartford. I'm the chief editor and I really like my job even if it includes working with Mitchum Huntzberger, because he owns the paper.
I became chief editor one year after Ally was born. I never wanted to work for Huntzberger publishing but when Mitchum offered me this job I took it because it was near to home and I had the chance to be home as often as possible.
It was hard to work with Mitchum at the beginning but we arranged ourselves well. Mitchum starts to believe in my qualities more and more and I feel more comfortable around him. After all he is still one of Ally's grandfathers.
We finish dinner and Ally starts to fell asleep at the table.
"Hey Ally come on lets get you into your bed!" I say and pick her up.
She snuggles into me and let me carry her.
Logan opens the doors for me and we make our way into her bedroom. I lay her down and tug her into her covers. I brush a light kiss on her forehead and step away from her bed. Logan does the same and we go to the door.
"Mummy, Daddy?" we hear her sleepy voice call out.
"Yeah?" we both answer at the same time.
"I love you!" she says before drifting away to sleep.
"We love you, too." We answer before closing the door behind us.
These are moments were my heart could scream because I'm so happy if my little girl tells me she loves me. It really makes me happy and I feel that tears are coming.
I stand in the corridor and try to hide my tears because I don't want Logan to see them. He didn't saw me crying since the day I moved out. I swore to me that I would never cry in front of him again because I know he would try to comfort me and I can't let him do that.
"Ror, are you ok?" he asks and tries to look at me.
I turn my face away and try to hide it but he knows me too well.
"Hey, why are you crying?" he asks concerned.
"It's nothing." I lie because I can't tell him.
I can't tell him how happy I am when he is around, I can't tell him that he is still the love of my life and I can't tell him that I want him so much. I can't admit things to him that I even just admit sometimes to myself and just when I'm not strong enough to push them aside. In moments like this.
"You're sure?" he asks.
"Yeah!" I say still not looking at him.
"Okay!" he answers and I can hear that he doesn't believe me.
He always knew when I was lying and he still knows. I sometimes hate him for knowing me so well because it makes it even harder to protect me from my feelings.
"I think I go home now. You're sure you're okay?"
"Yes I am. Thanks for staying for dinner. It makes Ally really happy if we are together." I say and smile.
"It makes me happy, too." He says and kisses my cheek before leaving the house.
Twenty minutes later I lay alone in my bed. I hate it to be alone in the nights because then I can't distract myself and my thoughts always wander to Logan. To the way we used to share a bed and to the way I felt when he held me in his arms. Even after three years I can't stop thinking about the man I used to love.
Like many nights before I cry myself to sleep thinking about Logan.
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