"Behind Closed Doors" By Kross
A/n: I don't own Harry Potter…I simply enjoy using the characters conjured up J.K. Rowling for my own sweet pleasure.
Pairing: Hermione/Ron and Hermione/Mystery man (okay, the cat's outta the bag. It's Remus.)
ADDITIONAL NOTE: Yeah, I'm really dumb. I got so caught up in this story I forgot how tiny a 10-week pregnant belly is. Barely showing, no? Really Hermione just feels like she's "all belly", although she is literally like "no belly at all". Forgive my retard-o-ness.
Song: Mad World, Gary Jules (Tears for Fears Cover)
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Remus's reflection was haunting him today, ribs bruised in painful grasping. He felt so feeble, nearly lifeless, that he wanting to give up breathing. He could only wonder how Hermione was. He was barred at the door when he tried to visit her, 'family only.' he was told. He could see Ron was in the room, sitting at her side while she lay asleep. His brain mocked the idea that Ron was family, he and Hermione were only bound by a now late pregnancy that wasn't even of his doing. Remus's insides seared with pain as he saw the look on Hermione's sleeping face. Confusion. Pain. Loss.
He padded his way back from the hospital wing, letting his feet strike the cold tiled floor dully, steps as lifeless as himself. The numbness had set in, the self-preserving loss of feeling was the only thing keeping him from throwing himself into the depths of the lake. He wondered if the water, as it filled his lungs, would feel just as numb.
"Tiddlywinks..." He murmured to the Fat Lady.
His face stung as he resisted the urge to cry at the password. Never would his children play with tiddlywinks. Never would they even have the chance, if they wanted to. He wondered if Hermione and Ron would give their tiny babies a proper burial. Even if it could only be a symbolic burial, only to put their spirits to rest. Could he be there, without looking suspicious? Could he not give it away with the smoldering pain branded into every cell in his body? He wondered if Hermione would let him be there. He had already caused so much pain.
He decided to not give her the choice. She would only do it for him, not because she wanted or needed him there. He didn't want to press that painful decision on her shoulders. He climbed the stairs to her room and pressed the wooden door with his fingertips. It drifted away from his touch like he was sure Hermione would the next time they met. He decided, they would not meet. He knew the cycle, they would cry and bind themself together in pity and pain. And eventually, Hermione would get hurt again. He must save her from pain.
His fingers quivered as he penned her a short goodbye. He was careful not to het his tears ruin the inking on the page, not to smudge the dark pigments that reflected his grief. He signed it without an 'I love you', despite the immense desire to paint the walls of the room with his love. Save her from pain, he thought. He laid the letter on her white pillowcase, careful not to rumple the new sheets that replaced her bloodied ones. As he turned, he saw a magical photo of her on the mantle, smile gone and looking melancholy. He tucked into his pocket as he approached the door.
Just as his fingers encircled the knob, the knob turned back on him. He stepped backward as the door opened, a little shocked. He prayed that it would not be Hermione or Ron. And in that split second, the air in his lungs hung as if frozen, not moving.
"Hello?" A raspy voice called. Black hair peeked around the edge of the wooden door, followed by pale skin and striking green eyes. The thin body followed the head, dressed in muggle clothes.
"Oh, hello Harry." Remus breathed out. He could only be a bit excited that it wasn't Hermione or Ron. He was unable to feel for Harry right now, and the boy caused no reaction.
"Remus? Is that you?" Harry came around the door, standing toe-to-toe with Remus. "I thought you were Ron...what're you doing here?"
"Just...checking up on Hermione's stuff." He lied. "I wondered if I could bring her anything to make her more comfortable..."
Harry knew it was a lie. He knew that, like himself, Remus was unable to visit Hermione because he wasn't family. He wasn't even let near the door. This was no usual occurrence in the hospital wing, they'd never had a pregnancy or violent miscarriage like Hermione's. They weren't bending any rules up there.
"Hermione's parents will be here soon,"Harry said quietly. "Are you sure you won't stay to meet them and tell them how you were there when it happened?"
"No, I don't think I will."
"I dunno, as much as I'm not, I think they might be relieved that it happened...I mean, their teenage daughter getting pregnant and being the talk of the town like that without their knowledge? That's tough to hear." Harry's eyes dodged around as he spoke.
"Don't be an asshole, Harry." Remus growled. "They're going to be worried about their little girl."
Remus pushed past Harry and out the door. The words 'their little girl' bounced around in his skull like a rubber ball. He had never thought about the fact that she wasn't just a woman. He'd never stopped to remember that she was someone's daughter. Someone's baby girl. If he'd been her father, he'd want the man that did that to his little girl murdered. He was old enough to be her father.
Harry slowly crossed the room, to Hermione's bed. He'd noticed the upside down sheet of parchment when Remus had stepped away from him. He thumbed it, wondering if he should just forget it and walk away. It must be personal, he thought. Something secret. But Remus was his friend, too. Remus wasn't anymore friends with Hermione or Ron than Harry. He turned the paper over to read it.
" I've done nothing but hurt you, Hermione. I can't cause you anymore pain.
I won't let myself. I wish I could give you the world, like I promised I would.
I'll make this all up you to one day.
Remus."
Hermione dreamed of Remus, sad and scruffy again, asleep on a train car with his head against a window. Trees and fields flashed by the window as the train chugged along its tracks, heading to nowhere. Cold mountains were ghostly in the background, not moving while the foreground zoomed away with each passing second. She called out to his unhearing ears. She reached out to his unfeeling flesh. Even before she awoke she knew he was gone. Had he been any other man, she would have called him a coward. But, this was not cowardice, this was self-preservation. Perhaps he even did it to spare her.
When she awoke, she wondered how he would deal when the full moon came. She wondered who would quell his demons and soothe his pain. She would have Ron and Harry to help her lick her wounds and mourn. Who would he have? He would only have himself. But, she knew he was the last person he wanted. He couldn't bear to look at himself now, just as she would never look at herself quite the same again.
She pushed the covers off of her body, too warm to be comfortable. Ron was gone now, and her parents were waiting at the train station for Ron to see them to the castle. He had argued with Madam Pompfrey, not wanting to leave her while she slept. He had asked Harry to go for him, in his place, but Harry declined. Harry knew his friend needed a distraction from this, if only for a minute. Hermione let her feet touch the cold, sterile floor. She'd wanted to give birth in this room. But, it was Hermione who was reborn within those walls.
"I need you to come back, Remus." Hermione thought, letting it drift into the atmosphere, hoping he would hear it.
"I can't do this alone."
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I'm still making it better. I managed to have a moment to write. I hope I have more, and I hope this will do until then.
Please R&R
Meg