A/N: Wooot, chapter 8! Bon appetit, friends:) Btw, this is supposed to be my "New Year's present." Haha, love me? I'm sure you do!
xxxxxx
When You Lose Your Way
Between A Bullet And A Target
xxxxxx
Everything had gone very well between the time I'd told Harry and Ron and then the whole school. Everything was perfect, and I was in complete bliss, even though I was still pregnant and a student in school. None of it seemed like a problem, especially when all the important people accepted my pregnancy, and for the most part, all of the student body.
Until stupid Marcus Miles had to open up his bloody mouth.
I would have defended myself. Really. I was just... too busy trying not to cry. Ron and Harry, to my surprise, were too busy staring daggers at him to do anything and I'd expected them to save me from his cruel words by now. So instead of my two best friends, who came to my rescue? Malfoy. The Malfoy. Could you believe it?
Yeah, me neither.
But after he'd done so, he'd grabbed me and taken off in a thunder, pushing aside innocent by-standers and ignoring all eyes. We were stomping past everybody so fast I doubt any of them could even tell where exactly we were headed. Even I didn't know.
And right now, we're cramped up in this somewhat walk-in caretaker closet. It was dark, but I could make the outline of his figure. Usually, I'd be backed up in a corner, trying to stay away from him, but he'd gotten less scarier after a few days. After all, he'd been helping me and keeping this a secret for as long as I have. My nostrils sniffed. Did this closet belong to Filch? I smell Ms. Norris' litter box a few feet away.
"Are you okay?" Malfoy asked. I looked at him incredulously.
"I wasn't the one that just punched the lights out of Marcus Miles..."
"Yeah well, the bloody bastard deserved it."
I raised my eyebrows. Malfoy was too busy muttering cuss words to an invisible Marcus Miles to see me do so.
"What made you do it?" I asked softly. He immediately stopped swearing.
"Say what?"
"What made you do it? You know, punch him," I said more specifically.
He fidgeted where he stood and looked like he wanted to blurt something out, something he'd been holding in all day. I nodded in the awkwardness because of him not answering. I began to turn away, before he stopped me.
"Wait!" he said. "I said I had to talk to you."
"Well, until a few seconds ago, I was the only one talking."
"Sorry, I'll get to the point," Malfoy said, pulling me back quickly by taking my arms. I was surprised. I didn't recoil for once.
"Okay... well... what is it?" I asked him.
"It's just..." he looked really uncomfortable. I waited impatiently. He was making me rather curious. "Those... those dreams," he finally said to me. My eyes widened.
...Uh-oh.
"Was... was that the bell?" I said, failing to win an oscar for acting like I've just heard the school bell ring, "maybe we should go just in case. We could always talk about this later - "
"I didn't hear anything," Malfoy said, more confident now. "And lunch began only 15 minutes to go. We've got plenty of time left."
I swallowed hard. He was right. And perhaps I was stuck.
"Right. Well, hurry up, I've got some stuff I need to do. Speaking of stuff, what'd you think of that Transfiguration report? Pretty tough, right?" He raised his eyebrows. I sighed. "Okay, fine, fine. What about those stupid dreams?" I grumbled.
His eyes shifted around nervously. I waited with baited breath.
"...I finished them," he confessed with nervousness in his voice. Or was it shame?
"Oh... well... what did you find out?" Stupid, stupid, stupid! I should never have asked that. Now I was really in for some trouble...
He heaved a heavy sigh that almost made me sad. Was he sad? Why did he look so guilty and ashamed? My heart dropped within me, and I just knew that he knew.
"...Did I do something to you?" he asked me.
"What could you have possibly done to me other than loathe me?" I said. I may have made him look a little more guilty, but I would do anything to keep it from coming up, and avoid the topic for as long as I could.
"Did I hurt you? In... anyway, that I didn't know I did?"
And my heart hit rock bottom.
I pushed past him, across the mops and brooms and almost stepped onto the litter box I thought was somewhere in there. I could feel my eyes brimming with angry tears already. Angry because he was so close to finding out and because I wasn't brave enough to face him about it, even though the worst was over and done with.
I pushed the door open, surprised by the attack of light that hit my eyes. Blinded only for a moment, I ran away from the closet, on my way to the Gryffindor tower, the one place I knew he couldn't be.
"Granger, wait!" I heard him call behind me.
I felt my eyes sting even more than they already were, and I was afraid they would spill if I continued to run as fast as this. I couldn't hear Malfoy's footsteps near me, so I knew he hadn't bothered to try and catch up, even though he knew he could.
I couldn't let him know about it. It would ruin everything that I'd worked so hard for to keep a secret. It would ruin everything, and I didn't go through months of burdening myself with this, only to have him find out about it. I had to do something...
I wouldn't let him know.
xxxxxx
I was terribly sick with worry today.
It took me all my courage (I was running very low on that supply) to leave Gryffindor Tower and not sleep in my old dormitory I shared with the girls for the second night in a row. He would find me somehow and I knew it. I knew he knew, and it was the most sickening feeling I had ever felt in a very short amount of time.
I didn't know what to do.
I was backed up against a wall, facing a dead-ended alley, forced to walk a breaking bridge.
What would I do?
If he ever found out... if he ever knew...
"Hermione, what's up?"
I flinched, and snapped my head up, taking my mind off my thoughts. I was out in the grounds, sitting near Hagrid's hut. I knew he would not be here. I found now that my spare time now was dedicated to just keeping away from him, hoping and praying that maybe he was going to confront me about something else...
"Nothing really, Gin. I... I'm just tired."
"Don't blame you," she said, nudging me in the ribs, "you've only just told the whole school about your situation."
"Yeah. It was tough," I admitted. Nothing had been more harder.
"I can't believe it. I mean, the timing is a bit unfortunate, but Hermione... you're pregnant! I'll be an Aunt in a few months time!"
I smiled meaningfully at her. "You're really okay with this?"
"Well, my opinion isn't going to change what's happened but if you want to know, I'm happy for you. It's a great thing, to be pregnant, you know. No matter how old."
I raised my eyebrows. "How?"
"Well... you're raising something inside of you. A living, breathing thing. And when you finally get it, you can raise it, and mold it to become you, or someone good. It's what we all want, don't we? To have someone that's ours, to love and care for?"
"Hey, don't get corny on me now, Gin," I told her with a cheesy smile. She chuckled and brushed her hair away from her face. "But thank you. I accepted the pregnancy already, and now, little by little, getting more happier about it."
"I'm glad," Ginny said.
We sat for a while in quiet. The wind was blowing our hair gently into the air, and even though Malfoy was somewhere around the grounds, most probably looking for me, I felt okay, for almost a moment. The weekend was mine to relish and to try and forget about all the bad. But it didn't last, for Ginny had spoken again.
"So who helped you with your big confession?" She asked playfully. I arched my eyebrows.
"What makes you think I had help? Surely you don't believe I'm that weak as to have someone prep me for it."
"Of course not. Stop with the mood swings," Ginny added, half seriously and half jokingly. I nodded. "But you're three months along by the beginning of next week. And a month ago was when you found out you were two months pregnant, didn't you say? So you've had basically a month to prepare for it, and you being smart, obviously seeked help."
"Well... sure. Yeah, I did," I grudgingly admitted.
"Well who was it?" I didn't answer her for a while. "You know, I'm offended it wasn't me," she said funnily, trying to ease the silence that had followed her question.
"Sorry," I muttered, thinking.
"Are you going to answer my question?"
"No," I answered truthfully.
"Why not?" she said testily.
"Because it's not important. In fact, the person isn't important. So let's forget it."
"Hermione - "
"Please, Gin?"
"Why are you trying to hide this person?"
"Please - what?" I asked, not expecting the question.
"Why are you trying to hide this person?" she repeated. She almost sounded offended, by the way she was speaking. "This person... did you a huge favour. Without him or her, I'm sure you would have not been able to talk freely with me like this, or anyone for this matter. You would still be hiding. Still afraid."
I lowered my head. What Ginny was saying was completely and utterly true.
"The least you could do is give that person some credit. Or thank them for the help. Have you?"
I turned away. "No... not yet."
"So you're going to?"
"I... no. I mean - yes. I - I don't know, Gin."
"You seem pretty confused, Hermione."
I sighed heavily. "I really am, Ginny. I really and truly am."
"Okay, okay, enough," she said, smiling at me now. I think she knew she'd been giving me somewhat of a hard time with the lecture. "Let's talk about something else. Something that won't get your mood swings working up again," she added with another nudge. I smiled reluctantly.
"Oh - wait," Ginny said, with her serious look back for a moment. "Before we stop being serious, can I ask you one more thing?" I shrugged. "Hermione... who's the father?"
I froze where I sat. Bloody stinking firey burning hell.
"Gin, he doesn't... know yet."
"He doesn't know yet?"
"No... I... haven't really told him the truth."
"You should, Hermione. He has the right to know that he's going to have a child."
"Should I?"
"Well..."
"Because what if I don't want him to know? What if I think it'll only complicate things more than they are already? What if - "
"Hermione, it doesn't matter..."
"It does! It does to me!"
"That doesn't matter either. What's matters is that he knows. You don't need to ask him for support or anything. Just... let him know. He has as much right as anybody else to know if not more."
I stared at her with a stoney look. She was forcing me to do something I very much did not want to do. The impact of it would cause a large ripple effect, of that I was sure. But still. The father of my child had to know, right? Maybe it could even help. And I would do anything if it would help my baby...
With that thought, I got up. I stepped away from Ginny and she followed suit. She grabbed my arm, only to pull me around, stopping me from doing what she had just basically ordered me to do.
"What are you doing, Hermione?"
"I'm going to speak with the father of this baby."
Her eyes widened before me. "That's brave of you, Hermione. Really."
"Is it really?"
"It is. You're going to need all your courage to do this, you know."
I sighed.
That was the very last thing I had right now.
xxxxxx
I invited him to speak with me in between my Head Girl duties. I knew it was dumb of me to be formal about it, but hey, I was going to tell a guy that he was the father of my child. The least I could do was be polite about it.
I waited on my couch, expecting him any moment. He would step through that portrait hole, and I would invite him to sit down. He would ask me why it was that I needed tp speak with him, and I would tell him the honest truth. He is the father of my baby.
Oh boy, oh boy.
If I could have chosen any man to be the father of my baby, it would not have been him. He'd be second to last on my list, next to Marcus Miles, the ugly prat. I never, ever, ever in this wizarding realm, would have chosen him, to be the dad. No. Not ever. Not the one and only, conceited and smug -
"Malfoy," I cringed.
"So you're finally coming out of your hiding place, are you?" he questioned me. His eyes were casted downwards as he stepped through the portrait hole. He threw his things across the room and made his way towards me. I felt myself beginning to shake immediately.
"Listen, I felt really bad about leaving you like that."
"Yeah, well," he said, not completing his sentence. He sounded frustrated and irritated. Usually I'd have been locked away in my room by now because of it, but Ginny's words had a strong impact on me. I wasn't scared of him. Not today.
"I'm not sure what to say."
He stayed silent. It wasn't uncomfortable or awkward but rather timid and overwhelming. I sighed.
Malfoy sat before me, just as nervous as I was. His feet were tapping the ground lightly, and he was in deep thought. I could see what he was thinking. What do I tell her? I wanted him to tell me the truth... what he and I both knew.
"Why don't you talk about those dreams?" I decided starting off from the beginning would be best.
Instantly, his usually beautiful blue eyes went cloudy. I could tell the dreams were haunting him still, even though they'd stopped since he's no longer been waking up panting. His eyes were no longer baggy, as well.
"They were... nightmares," he confessed, with a shaky voice.
I didn't turn sketchy at his choice of words. I suppose that's what they really and truly were. Nightmares. No word could have summed it up better.
"What happened? Start from the beginning."
He sighed, and it looked like Malfoy was really not up for recounting the dream. But he opened his mouth anyways, and words began tumbling out of it, barely audible because he was mumbling and hiding his face from me by turning his head away at any point in the room but at me. I listened very carefully.
"I - I'm stumbling through this familiar place. It's blurry and it's like I have vision underwater. I see a crackling fire and familiar portraits around though, so I know that I was in this common room... maybe - maybe in the living room... I kept on falling, tumbling... I yelled and screamed everytime I did, and I was yelling... just yelling," he repeated. The voice echoed in the room.
I began to shake much, much more. He was getting very close...
"'Pansy, Pansy take me back,' I say but she never comes... I'm banging on a door. A door I know but barely use... it's... it's yours, and I - I yell and scream and pant and call for Pansy and it's as if I'm in trouble or in danger, but... " he trailed off, and he gulped. I almost thought he was going to break down into tears right then, "but you were the one in danger," he said sadly, as if he couldn't believe the words himself.
I sighed, and I tried with all my might to stop the tears from coming.
"You were the one in danger, weren't you, Hermione? You were in so much, much danger..."
"Then what?" I said, with a very meek, yet strong voice. He had to finish this dream.
"You - you - oh God," he said, and he buried his face in his hands for a moment. For a while, I thought he wouldn't continue, but surprisingly, he did. His voice sounded more calm though, and it wasn't like it was in danger of cracking and bursting into sobs.
"You opened the door, and you were worried. 'Malfoy, what's wrong? What's going on?' I thought it was okay... I thought there was consent... I thought you were Pansy. You stand there... you stand there scared, and you should be - I - " and that's when his voice cracked.
"What next?" I asked. Though I used my whisper voice.
"I'm so mad. I'm so angry, that I can't stop myself... I - oh God I just can't..."
"You can't stop yourself from what, Malfoy? You can't stop what?" I urged.
"I can't stop! I can't stop!" he yells, like he was a maniac.
I could tell this was the rage that had been building inside him for so long. This had been the rage that he was now letting out, each word measured and pre-prepared. I let him yell, I let his words suddenly turn into sobs, and I let him gurgle and choke them, as he knelt on the floor, his fists madly scrubbing and covering his eyes.
"What did you do, Malfoy? What did you do?" I said. I didn't realize I too had now begun to yell and cry, since my cheeks were suddenly wet.
"Hermione, please..." he was pleading with choked sobs. Begging for me to tell him that none of it was true.
But I simply couldn't.
"What did you do." I demanded now. He was already so close.
"I..." he sobbed and the rest of the words were not formed.
"What did you do."
"Oh, God, please..."
"What did you do."
"Hermione, please..."
"What did you do!"
Malfoy was completely cracked now, and he was done for. He, nor I, could escape from what had happened. It was there, and it would never, ever go away. It had to be said. If only there had been a way out.
"What did you do to me, Malfoy!"
He was crying and mentally weak. It was coming now...
"I... I - " he said between sobs.
"Say it!"
"I raped you! I raped you! Damn it! I'm so - oh God - I'm so sorry..."
His whole body fell to the floor, a complete heap of tears and sadness before me. I watched him slowly fall to pieces, as he buried his face into the ground, shrieking with sobs that hurt me so much. I knew he did not mean to do it. I knew it was never his intention to hurt me like that...
But he did.
I must have bent down to comfort him, because somehow that's what I found myself doing. Crawling slowlier towards him, I could tell that he was as angry with himself as I was. He was kneeling now, pounding his fist to the ground. I stopped it from making it's next hit and took it in my hand. When I did, he immediately stopped whatever he had been doing. The room was silent.
"Now you know the truth," I whispered softly in his ear. He sucked in a raggedy breath, and I held his hand tighter. "I know you didn't mean to, but it's done... there's nothing you can do."
He whimpered into the palm of his hand, his voice gone. Malfoy was much too busy crying.
"Hermione, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
I ignored it. I let go of his hand and now placed my own on his shoulder. I made him face me completely and I saw Malfoy cringe at the sight of my tear streaked face. He looked down but I gripped his shoulder tighter, forcing him to look at me.
"I've accepted it, Malfoy. I'm living with it. Now you have to live with it too." This was the receiving end of another one of his heart wrenching sobs. "You are the Father of this baby, Draco. You're it."
My hand fell to my side, no longer wanting it to be there. I stood up, making myself ready to leave the dormitory. I couldn't be here anymore. I just couldn't. It was suffocating me, it was choking me, and I had to get out.
I was finally at the door, on my way out, till I heard him again. He began crying once more.
"Malfoy," I whispered, willing myself not to start crying again, "if it's any help..." I watched him closely. His eyes peered around his fingers, and they were on me. I reminded myself that I had to tell him the truth. "If it's any help... I forgive you."
And the odd thing was... I meant it.
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TBC.
Authors Notes: Wow, what a dramatic chapter. Pretty OOC of Draco to break down crying, huh? Well, I loved the scene in my head. I was typing up as I watched the scene unfold in my mind! Bwaha. Well, hope you liked it! Review if it was to your liking or not x) Thanks!