A/N: Chapter 9 fellow friends! Hope you like:)

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When You Lose Your Way

Colour Me Stunned

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You know that feeling when you're so happy that you honestly and truly are so joyful that you think you could jump off a bridge and fly? That you can skip your way through the day and not have a single care in the world but where you're going to skip off to next?

I wasn't feeling like that.

And thanks to what I found out a week ago, I'm probably never going to feel that way again.

How could I ever make myself get used to this piece of horrible news? You raped someone, Draco. You don't deserve to be happy again. You should be holed up in some place as bad as Azkaban and never see the light of day.

Well, if Azkaban wasn't a possible prison, my room would do just fine.

I hid there to hide my face from Hermione on most days. If I saw her during classes, that was fine with me. I wouldn't look at her and I wouldn't talk to her. If I saw her in the common room I'd march to my bedroom and ignore whatever she said to me. If I passed her in the halls, I'd do just that - pass her, without a word.

It was a routine I was getting used to.

What I wasn't getting used to was knowing I had hurt someone as innocent and pure as Hermione. How could I ever live with myself?

I'd never cried like that before. Maybe when I was a kid and was missing my father or hating him for punishing me for doing simple things. But I hadn't felt like that in a while. In some ways, I felt almost released. I was never allowed to do that, but when I did that night, I felt okay. The feeling didn't last long, though. I was released, but at the same time, imprisoned for my actions.

I went through class like a zombie. Nobody saw me smile (I know I hardly smile, but at least I did once in a while) and nobody saw my face light up at a remark that usually would have cracked me up. I was a zombie, a mummy, a living dead Hogwarts student.

"What the hell is wrong with you, eh?" Blaise asked me, as we packed up our things from our last class of the day. "You don't go to Quidditch practice anymore and you're our damn captain. You stopped being bossy, which is something you always are! You even stopped smirking, and I used to see it plastered on your face all the time. What's going on with you?"

I shrugged as I swung my backpack over my shoulder lazily. I didn't even look at him as I spoke. "Some things are tiring me out. I haven't got much energy to do anything,anymore. It happens when you're Head Boy." And a rapist, I wanted to add.

"What crock and bull excuses," Blaise said unbelievingly, as we now began to walk out of the classroom side by side on our way to the Great Hall. He was going to go to dinner, but I was going to go to the library after a short meal. I never stayed long for much things anymore.

"What's so hard to believe about me being tired? I'm at the library every waking hour, I'm packing a million piles of homework in my backpack and I've got to balance Head Boy duties. Going to Quidditch practice, being bossy and smirking, are the very last things on my mind. I repeat, what's so hard to believe about that?"

Blaise shook his head, knowing that I had a plausible excuse for everything. But I was sort of glad to know that he knew there was something wrong with me. At least someone noticed, other then Hermione of course.

"I'll see you later," Blaise muttered, as he began walking a seperate direction from me. I let him do so, and didn't even bother to say a goodbye to him myself. "You're not much company," I heard him mutter again, before I lost him in the crowded throng of students.

Well, I'd rather he hung out with kids who weren't rapists.

As my only friend made his way without me, I did so as well, following the path to the library. I decided against dinner now, since I would see him there and he had already shook me off. I wouldn't be a burden to him or anyone.

I picked an empty desk in the far back corner of a quiet area. It was comforting and I loved being here. Surprisingly enough, I didn't do my homework when I was at the library. I sat and read a book that consoled me for the while that I was there or just sat in thought, repeating the words that I had to get used to.

You're a bad person. You hurt people.

Little by little, I was beginning to believe everything I said to myself.

Planting myself into another book, for I had been going through dozens this past week, I concentrated on finishing it so I could begin another book, which I had taken out ahead of time. Relaxing myself more, I snuggled myself into the seat, and soon, I was lost in the pages.

When I had removed my eyes from the book to see what time it was, for it could have been two minutes, two hours, maybe even two days, I didn't know that Hermione would be sitting right across from me, her eyes staring holes through the book I was reading.

"Holy mother of Merlin - ! You scared me," I said, as I flinched a little after seeing her face. I believed I was alone in the library, so seeing someone stare at me was a little short of frightening.

"I scared you?" she said with sarcasm. I looked away from her and focused back on the book. Maybe if I kept on ignoring her long enough, she would go away.

Although I was pretending to read the book, my eyes instead were peering over the top of it, examining her. I hadn't gotten the chance to really see her for a long time, and I wanted to check whether or not our child (yes, our child) was in good health so far.

She was getting rounder, of that I was sure of. Not her actual body parts though. Only her stomach. The rest of her was as skinny as it was before, and it was really rather beautiful. I reminded myself that I had hurt this person, had hurt this body, and I tore my eyes away from it.

"You're a hard person to speak to these days," Hermione said to me through the silence.

I nodded while pretending to still be focused on the book. "I'm always busy."

Hermione snorted. "Yeah, busy reading and avoiding me. You know, this is what I did when I tried hiding it from you."

I shrugged. "Great people think alike."

"Great people do Great people things and come out of their hiding. You know, kind of like what I did with the pregnancy. I admitted it and accepted it. You've done half of those things so far."

I narrowed my eyes. "No one is expecting me to do any of those things."

"Except me."

I sighed. "Right. Except you."

We were silent once more, and I flipped a page in the book. I had only begun the first sentene of the next page when she began speaking again.

"Are you ever going to stop this?"

"Too soon to tell," I said truthfully.

"Well you're going to have to."

"Right. And why is that?"

"Because I'll have to tell my friends who the father is one of these days, and whether you're ready for it or not, I'm going to tell them it's you."

My head snapped up from the book, and I put it aside roughly. She was going to tell everybody that I was the father? Regardless of the fact that they'll know we would have never gotten together and will immediately expect that I had raped her? Was this woman insane!

"You're joking, right?" I said, with some anger in my voice along with surprise.

"No. I'm done lying and hiding from my friends, Draco. They ask everyday who the father is, and I'm not going to keep on doing this to them."

I narrowed my eyes. "What do you say? When they ask you who the father is, that is."

She shrugged as if it didn't matter. "I tell them that the father has yet to accept it, and when he does, that's when I'll let them know."

I calmed myself a little and picked up my book again. I opened it back to it's former page, although I did not begin reading again. I shrugged.

"Potter and Weasley must have had a fit hearing that fifty times a day."

She grinned. "Well yes, their patience is running low, but they're dealing."

We lapsed back into another silence, and I could have heard a pin drop. No, scratch that. I could have heard an ant crawling. She just sat there staring at me, and I sat there pretending to be occupied with the book which I soon realized was upside down. I cursed myself inwardly.

"Reading upside down is hard," she commented.

I put the book aside once more and with my free hand cupped my cheek in it. I began to rub it gently, as if I were in thought. My face looked stressed, I'm sure.

"If I'm not ready to accept the fact that I'm the father, Hermione, what makes you think that I'm ready to accept the fact that I'd forced myself onto you?"

She sighed. Slowly, I watched her pick up the book that I was reading, and flip through it's pages. She read the summary at the back of the book momentarily, before placing it back down.

"I've read that book, you know."

I raised my eyebrows. "Have you now?"

"Twice. In my fifth year."

"Well maybe you'd be so gracious enough to tell me what it's about," I challenged her.

She breathed in heavily and puffed out a long breath. "A man..."

"I had no idea," I said sarcastically while throwing my hands in the air. She gave me a warning look and I immediately stopped.

"Could you let me finish?"

"The stage is yours," I prompted, letting her speak. She took in a deep breath and began to speak.

"I forgot his name but I believe it was David. He's was so in love with this woman who he's watched all his pathetic life. After a long time of impatience he just - doesn't do the natural falling in love thing and puts a love spell on her... and for a while, they're really happy. He knows that it's not real because of the spell, but he loves everything the way it is."

I nodded. I'd already read those parts. "Go on."

"Well, after months and months of being a happy couple, his guilt begins to come into play. He forced their love, and he thinks that maybe, just maybe, if he takes it off, some of the spell will have rubbed off on her, and they will still be in love with each other."

"I know. Keep going."

She smiles. "He takes the spell off of her, and she wakes up from the spell, knowing who he was but not knowing anything about their relationship. It's really sad because she turns him away and won't let him explain, and he's just left so hurt and broken - miserably sad, actually. Their journey is a long one after that, but..."

I scrunched my head in confusion. "But what?"

"I don't want to spoil it for you."

"Well I'm almost finished the book anyways."

Hermione smiled once more and pushed herself up from her seat. Gracefully she picked up her things which she had placed beside the chair and slung it over her shoulder. Then, she picked up the book, and held it in front of me, as if showcasing it.

"Good. Then maybe you can read it all and learn something from it."

She chucked the book at me and it landed with a soft thump onto my lap. I stared at it for a moment before watching her walk away from me, and out of the library. "Are you serious?" I call out to her. But she doesn't answer me, for the library is already empty, with only the lingering dust as my company.

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I came back to the common room late at night, expecting it to be empty, but of course, it wasn't.

Hermione was seated before the fire, holding her knees and watching it cracle in the hearth. I shut the door silently so I wouldn't disturb her, and it made a soft thudding sound as it closed.

"You're home late," she commented without turning around. She was still staring into the fire.

"Yeah. After I finished the book I remembered I still had some homework to do."

Well, that was true. But I didn't do any of it. I finished the book in less than an hour, and sat in thought for a while, thinking about it. She said "Maybe you can read it all and learn something from it," before she left, but I didn't know what I was supposed to learn.

I was sitting there in the library frustrated, re-reading and flipping through each important page, trying to find out what it was in the book that she wanted me to realize. After a thirty minute break and just sitting there feeling sorry for myself, I just focused on each single part, absorbing each and every word, and then everything clicked and fell into place.

"Hm. You finished the book?" she asked, turning around slightly. I placed my backpack on the floor and made my way over to where she was seated. Nervously, I sat down beside her and began staring into the fire, just like her. She didn't seem to mind this, so I un-tensed myself.

"Yeah. I finished it."

"How was it?" she asked. I didn't look at her when I answered.

"It was... good. Frustrating, but good."

"Frustrating? Frustrating how?" she asked, with real question.

"I don't know. I re-read some of the parts after I finished the book and even though I knew what was going to happen in the end, I kept on willing him - David - to not do something that would change the conclusion of his actions."

She laughed. "Yeah, that happens sometimes."

I shrugged. "But it was good."

She nodded. We both sat there looking into the fire, not saying a word. And I chose to speak up again.

"Do you want to know what happened?" I asked her.

She smiled. "Well, I was waiting for you to come out with it already. But yes, I want to know what happened. And what you learned," she added.

I began from the start, ignoring the fact that I felt like a student, and her a teacher. "He forced the love onto her. It wasn't a good thing, but he was feeling sorry and sad for himself, so I guess that's what drove him to do it. Things were going good for a while until the guilt began to kick in and he realized that what he'd done was wrong."

"Yeah. What else?"

"Well, when he removed the spell, like you said, she knew who he was but she didn't recognize what they shared. She hated him for it. She was disgusted by him because he had the guts to do such a thing, and his heart was broken."

"But?" Hermione said expectantly.

"But he admitted that what he did was wrong. He told her he was sorry and he took responsibility for his actions although he wouldn't forgive himself. She listened but it was no good. Instead, they started off from the very beginning, although it broke his heart to not have her love him again."

"And..."

"And in due time, she forgave him first. It started off with that. After she forgave him, he slowly began to forgive himself, and because of it, they fell in love with each other again. Except the second time it was real."

"And?" Hermione said now.

"They lived happily ever after," I said miserably into the fire.

She smiled. "Very good. Now what did you learn?"

I arched an eyebrow. I felt like I was in pre-school.

"Well, she forgave him first when he wouldn't forgive himself. Even though he admitted that what he'd done was wrong, it didn't seem to ease the pain of what he did. But she did it to help him and... and well, soon, once he realized that she truly had forgiven him... he forgave himself."

Hermione nodded into the fire. "Doesn't that sound just a tad bit familiar?"

I sighed. "Sort of."

I stared at the fire, willing her to speak so that I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable. She did.

"Draco," she began softly. She turned to me and put a hand on my arm. I tried moving it away but her grip tightend when she felt it move. I sighed. "Didn't you hear me last week? Weren't you listening to a word I said?"

"No," I said truthfully, "I was too busy trying to accept the fact that I raped you," I added bitterly.

"Well, yeah, that you should have been doing, but what I said before was important," she said half angrily.

"Remind me of what you said again?" I asked.

"I said I forgave you. That meant that I accepted what happened but am no longer holding it against you. Why don't you do the same thing?"

"Because I can't. Because it's hard. Because I raped you for goodness sake!"

"Yes you can, yes it is, and yes you did, but it doesn't matter anymore now that I've forgiven you."

"But why? Why did you forgive me that night?"

She laughed softly and she let go of my arm. She looked at me with some odd happiness in her face.

"Don't you understand anything, Draco? I didn't forgive you just that night. I forgave you... I forgave you when you came with me to Dumbledore to tell him that I was pregnant. I forgave you when you checked up on me all those nights when things were especially hard. Heck, I forgave you when you punched the lights out of Marcus Miles. Doesn't that tell you anything?"

"It tells me that I'm a softy for pregnant chicks," I said, although I had no clue.

"No," she said with some laughter in her words, "it means that you're a good person. Good people don't keep secrets of their worst enemy. Good people don't give moral support to someone they've always disliked. Good peole don't do things like that."

"Well good people don't rape girls either," I muttered.

Hermione sighed exasperatedly and smacked her forehead. I felt bad that I was making her so frustrated, especially since she was pregnant, but what I said was true.

"Well that shouldn't matter anymore, Draco."

I looked at her incredulously. "And why not?"

She looked at me like she had just discovered gold and smiled. "Because I've forgiven you for goodness sake! That's all that matters! Just like in the book, it started with forgiveness. And then they were able to move past all those things, and make something good out of a bad situation. For Merlin's sake, Draco, again and again, I forgive you."

I sat there, stunned at her words. She wasn't mad at me anymore for causing her so much pain. She wasn't even angry that I'd given her a child! Heck, she was happy to be having a baby! My face lit up for the first time in a week.

She forgives me!

Noticing this miraculous feat, she smiled.

"Now all you have to do is forgive yourself."

"...What if I can't?" I asked her, with volnurability in my voice.

"I'll help you," she said, "I'll help you like you've helped me, and we'll get passed all of this together. And soon, we'll have this baby, and it'll help the both of us."

I looked at her stomach and smiled.

My child. Our child.

"You truly mean it?"

"I do, Draco."

"And you forgive me?"

"I do."

"And you accept that I'm the father?"

"I do."

"And are you still going to tell your friends that I'm it?"

"I'm going to have to. Do you accept that you're it?"

"I will."

"And do you forgive yourself?"

"I'm getting to it," I said. I was surprised. I think I smiled.

"Will you be there with me to tell them that you're the father?"

"I'm going to have to," I said, echoing her from before.

Hermione grinned. "Then we're making some progress."

I stood up, and held out my hands for her. She grinned and with a big heave, I pulled her up from in front of the fireplace, so that she was facing me and standing up. I kept her hands in mine, and I squeezed them gently.

"I promise I'll be here for you and the baby, Hermione. As corny as it is, we're in this together."

"I'm glad."

And I had to say, for a moment there, so was I.

We walked over to the kitchen together so we could talk more about it. We had a lot to discuss.

"Oh, wait," I said. "Will I still be alive after we tell Potter and Weasley?"

Her smile disappeared from her face for a moment, and I gave her a stoney look, but with great effort, I smiled again. And then she did too.

"Well... at least we're in this together."

Right. At least we were in this together.

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TBC.

A/N: Oh yay. For once, a happy ending in a chapter for this story. The others have been like, sad or angry some-what cliffies, but I somewhat like the way I ended this chapter. Draco and Hermione both forgiving each other and accepting the pregnancy. Er, btw, if you're wondering, yes, I did borrow a little bit of Riddle and Merope's tragic love spell story! It belongs to JK, but I fancied it up a little to make it my own!

They'll have gone a long way, come the next chapter, which I hope you stay tuned for! Read and review if you've got something happy or angry to say! Much love!