A/N: Now Minerva has to deal with Lily, James, and Peter. Poor woman. This chapter has a lot of JPLE, and there will be some in the fourth part, too.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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For the record, they came to her.

"Lily! Lily, dear, you know I love you! Lily! Lily, let go of my ear! Ouch! Please, please! I promise I won't run away again! Just—OW! Lily, I happen to know you enjoy that specific part of my anatomy—EEEEEEEE! Sorry, out of line, disrespectful, shutting up. But—MY EAR! IT BURNS!"

"If you shut it, I'll let go."

"Lily, please try not to kill him whilst there are so many witnesses."

"Fine, Peter, but only as long as he doesn't run again!"

"I won't!"

"Promise?"

"Yes, Lily love."

"Fine."

Minerva heard the three tripping down the corridor long before her office door flew open and Lily Evans, James Potter, and Peter Pettigrew came barreling in. James was gently massaging his left earlobe, and Lily looked slightly agitated. Peter was a few steps away, avoiding Lily's anger.

Minerva often wondered why Lily put up with James, but she was always reminded: they were both barking mad.Although, as madness went, Minerva preferred Lily's kind. It involved less of a clean up for her, mental scarring for only those who deserved it, and, usually, she agreed with it.

A big glaring difference, though, was Lily's inexplicable feelings for James. Yes, Minerva admitted that she was quite fond of him. He did keep life…entertaining. And they had spent a lot of time together. Currently Sirius held the record for most detentions, and though James had lessened his pranking since he got together with Lily a few months ago, James had been the frontrunner. They had come to know each other quite well, but that didn't mean that she could understand why Lily wanted to spend more time than necessary with James.

James sat down in a chair, Peter in the other. Lily carefully perched herself on James's knee, turned to give him a quick kiss, and turned back to Minerva.

"Good afternoon, Minerva," Lily said, flashing her Transfiguration professor a smile.

"You too, Miss Evans," Minerva said politely. She reminded herself that this was a Saturday afternoon meeting, not Wednesday afternoon tea, and decided it would be easiest if she used Lily's surname, even if the girl was going to call her "Minerva".

"Hullo, Minnie," James said cheekily from behind Lily, adjusting her on his lap so he could see Minerva.

"Potter, Pettigrew." She nodded in each boy's direction, and Peter murmured a quick "hello".

"I saw Remus come in here earlier," Lily said conversationally, and immediately Minerva knew why the redhead had (quite literally) dragged James and (willingly) Peter down to her office.

"He did," Minerva clarified.

"Black came in yesterday."

There was an obvious look of distaste on Lily's face as she mentioned Sirius. Sirius and Lily's dislike was quite mutual.

"Yes."

"Did they tell you why they've been acting like complete pricks for nearly all month?"

"Lily!" James gasped quietly, amazed. If possible, his eyes reflected an even higher level of hero-worship for his girlfriend. Minerva, on the other hand, had listened to many of Lily's rants about "that insufferable Black" and "that annoying, egotistical, determined, awful Potter" (before they got together, of course), most which were filled with many profanities which most students didn't use in front of their professors. Lily and Minerva had a rather different bond, though. They had been meeting for tea on Wednesdays for about two years, now, and had grown rather close, although Minerva was pretty sure that only the ever-omniscient Albus Dumbledore knew.

"Black, yes. Lupin, I'm not sure. I noticed Black's behavior, but Lupin is usually pretty well-behaved…"

"He's moped about for the past three bloody weeks," Lily said, earning another surprised gasp from James. From the small smirk playing on her lips, Minerva could tell that Lily was playing this up for her boyfriend. It was almost cute, in an oddly disturbing way.

"I assume that you already know what is wrong?" Minerva asked Lily, raising an eyebrow. Lily nodded.

"I have a theory."

"What theory?" James asked. "I want to know! Why didn't you share the theory with me?"

Lily twisted slightly and pressed a succinct kiss to her boyfriend's lips. Brushing a lock of hair out of his eyes, she gave him a sympathetic look. "I didn't want to share it unless I was absolutely sure."

"Are you now?" James asked.

Lily shrugged. "Possibly."

There was a moment of silence, until James prompted: "Well? What's your theory?"

"Minerva?" Lily asked, turning to face Minerva. She angled her body so she was blocking James's view. "Do they want to—?"

Instead of finishing her sentence with words, Lily chose to use a rather crude hand gesture to convey her meaning. James, being behind her, didn't see what she was doing, but Peter and Minerva most definitely did. Peter's eyes widened, and Minerva yelped a sharp, "Lily!" whilst fighting down giggles that she knew would really cross the line.

"What? What?" James asked wildly, squirming to see around Lily. Lily grabbed onto the edge of Minerva's desk and dug the heel of her shoe into James's shin until he stilled.

"One second, love," she said, trying to regain her balance on James. Instead of explaining to James, however, Lily repeated her question to Minerva. "So, do they want to—?"

Lily demonstrated her hand gesture again. Minerva hesitated before answering. There was supposed to be a certain sense of confidentially between student and professor. But, neither Remus nor Sirius had specified that she shouldn't tell anyone, and besides, James, Lily, and Peter weren't just anyone. They were someones, and someones had more of a right to know than anyones, or no ones. In fact, it was almost a necessary thing. So, taking comfort in her skewed logic, Minerva answered, "They didn't say so in so many words—or gestures—but, yes. They do."

"I knew it!" Lily exclaimed, smiling. James was still confused, and Peter's eyes held a tiny glint of understanding.

As Lily celebrated internally, the full gravity of what Minerva had just done hit her.

She had pried into students' love lives.

She had happy-danced when she had found out that two students could be together.

She had talked about students' sex lives to other students using hand gestures.

This was so, so wrong.

"I started suspecting two weeks ago, when they were both so miserable. Then it became painfully obvious, but I didn't want to intrude," Lily explained rapidly. Minerva raised a knowing eyebrow.

Lily was a painfully interfering girl. She loved matchmaking, spying, and prying. She could be awful about it, too, but she could tell you anyone's secrets—she usually wouldn't, though, because she liked knowing things out of pure curiosity, not out of any desire for exploitation. When Minerva had once repeated the old adage, "Curiosity killed the cat," to Lily, Lily had simply responded, "You're the cat, not me."

That was why it wasn't very believable that Lily had simply sat idly by whilst she knew that there was something between Remus and Sirius. She was the type who would chain two people together who had feelings for each other until they acted on them. In fact, she had done it before, with good results (if you didn't count the mental scarring and days spent in the hospital wing).

"Fine," Lily relented. "I wanted to intrude, but Ella talked some sense into me—I was discussing my suspicions with her. Then she had people keep an eye on me to make sure I didn't do anything…rash. I was able to control myself—mostly. Kingsley did have to lock me in that cupboard for a bit, but I got over it."

Now, that sounded like Lily.

"Could someone please inform me what is going on with two of my best mates?" James demanded from behind Lily. He adjusted so she slid directly into his lap, and he wrapped his arms around her middle, poking his face out from behind her side. "I saw them first, you know."

Peter nodded in agreement. Lily met Minerva's eyes, questioning. When Minerva realized what Lily was asking, she sent Lily a look that clearly said, "He's your boyfriend; you tell him his best mates are gay." Lily pulled a slight face before turning her upper body to face James.

Gently, Minerva willed silently. Gently, Lily.

Now, Minerva knew that James—and Peter—wouldn't take the news badly. In fact, she was pretty sure that Peter already knew (after that hand gesture, how could he not?), and he hadn't run screaming yet. James would certainly be fine with it. He loved Sirius and Remus, and he would accept them without a doubt.

However, that didn't mean that the whole thing wouldn't come as a surprise. James was rather an expert with denial, as he had demonstrated throughout the six years during which Lily had repeatedly told him that she wanted him to fall off a cliff and die, which, in James's mind, had translated to, "I love you; marry me." She suspected that he was able to translate any body language or look between Remus and Sirius from, "Let's shag in the broom closet," to, "Platonic-ness! Yay!"

James also didn't do surprises very well. The entirety of Gryffindor knew that surprises and James didn't mix after The Incident That We Will Not Speak of Under Any Circumstances Whatsoever, So Shut It, Get a Life, and Go and Bother Someone Else, You Prat of '75. Minerva definitely did not want a reliving of that incident. Just because they wouldn't speak of it under any circumstances whatsoever didn't mean that she didn't remember it.

She would never be able to look at those lampshades in the same way.

"Well, you see…" Lily began, trailing off. She tucked a lock of red hair behind her ear, chewing on her lip thoughtfully. She squinted her emerald eyes, thinking. Finally, after a few moments of silence, she said: "Black and Remus are…well…you see, now…"

Oh, Merlin, it was love. Minerva hadn't ever seen Lily use so much regard to the way she phrased something. She wasn't beyond bluntness, and could sometimes be painfully honest.

Finally, it came. "Remus and Black…well…they're bloody flaming poofters who are mad for each other!" Never mind that. "Gay, in love, want to shag, the whole shebang."

Minerva didn't even know that it was possible for someone's jaw to drop so far.

"Remus and Sirius…" James stuttered, his eyes wide. "They're…?"

"Gay, in love, want to shag, whole shebang," Lily repeated.

Peter was taking the news silently and acceptingly. On the other hand, though, there was Mr. Oblivious, who had decided to throw a bit of a confused fit.

"THEY'RE GAY?"

"Yes," Lily clarified.

"THEY'RE GAY?"

"Yes."

"THEY'RE GAY?"

"Yes, Mr. Potter, they're gay," Minerva said, exasperated.

"WHY DIDN'T I KNOW?"

"Because you're painfully oblivious," Lily replied.

"WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME?"

"Because of this."

"THEY'RE GAY?"

"Mr. Potter, is it possible for us to carry on this conversation at a volume that doesn't hurt my ears?" Minerva asked sharply.

"WHY DIDN'T I KNOW THAT THEY WERE GAY?"

"Sorry, Minerva," Lily said apologetically, turning away from James. "He's pretty much a hopeless case."

"I've gathered that much," Minerva said grimly. "And you wonder why I can't wrap my mind around your relationship?"

"Not really," Lily admitted. "Sometimes I can't even wrap my mind around it. It's bloody love. Works in evil ways."

"Cupid must have it out for you."

"I've always had that theory."

"THEY'RE GAAAAAY!" James wailed.

"Minerva, may I?" Lily asked politely. Minerva nodded slightly. Turning, Lily slapped James on the cheek sharply.

"Snap out of it!" she ordered. "As your girlfriend, your friend, your classmate, and your everything, I order you to shut up and accept your friends' homosexuality! Now!"

James blinked. He blinked twice. He blinked again.

"Oi, no reason to be so overdramatic," he said.

"Overdramatic!" Lily grumbled, turning away and adjusting herself on James's lap. "Yes, I'm overdramatic. Of course. Not like Mr. Drama Queen over there."

"I was surprised," James sniffed. "I don't do surprises very well."

"James, you've spent the past six and a half years in the same dormitory as them. How could you not know?"

There was a pause. Then, James began somberly, "When I was nine, Mum took me to St. Mungo's." Minerva, Lily, and Peter shot him strange looks, wondering what relevance James's childhood had to this situation, but let him go on. "She had thought that I might have had a problem. So I talked to this Healer—she was really nice, and she had these loooong legs—although I prefer short legs," James covered quickly, glancing at Lily's jean-clad legs, which, being proportionate to her 5' 2" frame, could hardly be considered long.

"So, anyways," James continued. "We talked for a bit, and then the Healer diagnosed me."

"Without an examination?" Lily asked.

"Yes." James nodded vigorously. "It was so serious that she could tell without an examination. See, I've suffered from this for all my life. It's been difficult—an uphill climb, you could say. There are no magical cures for it. I was thinking about discovering one after we got out of Hogwarts, but I decided to slot that in after I save the world and before I become a famous Quidditch star.

"You see, I suffer from…" James lowered his voice. Lily was twisted around, her green eyes soft and concerned as they focused on her boyfriend. Minerva found herself holding her breath, waiting for James to reveal his disease.

"I suffer from…Selectivity."

James's face was so serious that Minerva really, really wanted to laugh. Instead, though, she decided to ask him a question, considering that she had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

"Selectivity?" she repeated. "Potter, what in Merlin's name is Selectivity?"

"It's a very rare and serious disease," James explained gravely. "It can lead to ignorance, cluelessness, pain, torture, suffering, and gray hair. I suffer, specifically, from Selective Sight and Selective Hearing."

"What?" Lily demanded. "Selective Hearing? Sight?"

"Yes," James said. "I'm sorry that you had to find out this way, Lils."

Lily looked like she was torn between laughing hysterically and slapping James across the face again. Before she could act on either impulse, Minerva asked quickly, "Potter, by any chance, was your leggy Healer a psychologist?"

"Sorry, my Selective Hearing was acting up that day," James admitted sadly. "I missed any real description."

Minerva felt like banging her head against her desk. She looked over at Peter, who seemed to have already had suspicions about James's "condition", as he didn't look as disturbed as Lily.

"Merlin, my boyfriend is a psychopath," Lily breathed. "A bloody psychopath."

Minerva couldn't resist shooting Lily an "I told you so" look.

"So, Jim, you're saying that because of your…Selectivity…you managed to ignore the fact that Remus and Sirius have wanted to shag each other for the past year?" Peter tried, obviously trying to make sure that neither Minerva nor Lily would try to kill James.

"Right on the nose, Pete," James agreed. "Right on the nose."

Minerva looked over at Lily, who was writing something on her palm with a Muggle ballpoint.

NOTE TO SELF: Bring James to St. Mungo's and examine him for any genetic psychological disorders before procreating.

Minerva wasn't sure which scared her more: the fact that James Potter might actually be certifiable, or the idea of a mini James-and-Lily.

She decided that both were equally frightening in their own special way.

"Now that James has stopped yelling spastically, let's get to the main issue," Lily said, slipping her pen into the pocket of her jeans. She settled back comfortably on her boyfriend, his chin resting on her shoulder. "How, exactly, are we going to get Remus and Black together?"

"Ignore them and hope they come to their senses?" Peter suggested.

"Won't work," Lily dismissed. "I think they may have caught James's Selectivity. Next?"

"Write raunchy love notes to them and pretend they're from the other person?" James said.

"I don't think that Remus is even capable of writing the word 'raunchy'," Lily said, an eyebrow raised.

"You'd be surprised," James mumbled. Before Lily could ask what he meant, he added, "We could attach nude pictures to the notes?"

Lily was morbidly curious. "And where would you get these nude pictures?"

James's expression shifted uncomfortably. "Never mind; Lils, your idea?"

Lily grinned. "I'll try to feed Black to Neil. Remus will be so distressed that he'll passionately admit his love to Black, and Black will return the admittance before being swallowed whole," she said with sadistic pleasure.

"Two problems, Miss Evans," Minerva said. "One: if Black is dead, they won't be together. Two: who is Neil, and why would he eat Black?"

"I haven't worked out the first one," Lily shrugged, "but it gets rid of Black, which is a good thing. As for Neil, he's the giant squid."

"I thought that the giant squid was a girl named Marlene," Minerva said. Lily's eyes flashed with anger, and Minerva found herself shirking back.

"That's a sore issue with Lily and Sirius," James explained quickly. "Sirius thinks that the giant squid is female and named Marlene; Lily thinks it's a male named Neil. There have been many arguments about it. Remember the week that Sirius's hair was green?"

Minerva nodded. Who could forget? Sirius had spent the entire week whinging to Minerva and trying to get Lily expelled. She had eventually cast a repelling charm around herself, so Sirius couldn't get within two meters of her.

"That was because Sirius made the giant squid a shirt that said, 'My Best Girl, Marlene'. Lily wasn't too happy about it."

Minerva closed her eyes briefly. Merlin, what was the world coming too?

"And what's your opinion on the issue, Mr. Potter? Is it Neil or Marlene?"

"Neither," James replied smoothly. "It's a hermaphrodite named Jamie."

"Pettigrew?"

"It's safest to side with James," he answered.

"Why don't we just decide that I'm right, everyone else is wrong, my idea would be good if Remus and Black could still get together if Black was dead, and we need to hear Minerva's idea?" Lily said. "Agreed?"

There was nodding as three pairs of eyes settled on Minerva. Sighing, she quickly described her idea.

"I separately tell them that they need to see me privately. Once they're both in here, wondering where I am and since when 'private' meant 'private plus a friend', I lock them in. There's an Imperturbable Charm on the door, so no one will be able to hear them trying to get out. I'll transform and hide in a drawer until they get together. Once they do, I'll let them out and we'll all be happy, without the need to scar them for life with raunchy notes and pictures."

"Minerva, you are pure genius." Lily smiled winningly. "And, of course, we'll be there, too."

"How—?"

"Don't ask questions, and you won't need to know the answers," Lily said mysteriously. Although it sounded suspiciously like the Head Boy and Girl were going to be breaking rules, Minerva decided to take Lily's advice. After all, if they hadn't been caught yet, whatever their methods were couldn't be too bad, right?

Right.

Ish.

"So, that's the plan?" Minerva asked. Lily nodded quickly, and James and Peter exchanged a look before nodding, too.

"With a few slight—erm—adjustments, everything should go perfectly," James said, and Minerva could practically see the air of mischief. Nonetheless, she too nodded.

"Tomorrow, then?"

"Tomorrow," Lily, James, and Peter chorused, standing up. They all said their goodbyes and, with smiles, departed to, undoubtedly, rework the plan. With their vigorous nods and their beatific smiles still lingering in her memory, Minerva dropped her head onto her desk and groaned.

What had she just gotten Remus and Sirius—and, more importantly, herself—into?