Chapter 3

Pillars

Clement Rage was at the pillars, trying futilely to persuade Kain to participate in his latest foolish venture. His argument technique was most interesting.

"Come on."

"No"

Come on."

"No."

Come on!"

"No."

This continued for fifteen minutes, before Kain finally became bored with the conversation and said, "What do you want me to do?"

Clement looked confused. "Didn't I say?"

"No."

"Then why did you keep saying no?"

"It never pays to agree to anything you say."

An evil light filled Clement's eyes as he attempted to be cunning.

"Come on."

"Yes."

"Huh? You agreed."

"You were trying to trap me with a double negative."

"Clever son of a –"

After twenty minutes thought, the evil light filled Clement's eyes again. He spoke fast, before this strange stroke of genius could fade.

"Do you want-" Then, he noticed Kain had left the room.

(Chibi CR!)

After a while, he came back, realizing he'd forgotten the Reaver and hoping the demented Author had departed. In vain. The Author was still there, playing checkers with a Dumahim fledgling. He looked up, and saw Kain.

"Hey, you're back! Umm...what was I saying? Oh, yeah. If you don't participate, I'll publish an article in the Nosgoth Times saying you fell in love with a prostitute from Freeport-"

Kain telekinetically slammed the creature into the nearest wall.

(Chibi Soultail: Ohhhh! That has got to hurt!)

"You have to get out of here first."

"Even...should you...kill me, the others will...carry it out." Clement rasped.

Just in time, FFF, Soultail, Mr. Mxy and Turn Based Tragedy teleported into the room. Simultaneously, and somewhat reluctantly, they persuaded Kain to put Clement down.

(Chibi Mr. Mxy, FFF, TBT, and Soultail: Hi!)

Disgustedly, Kain complied, spitting, "Oh. It's the Collab."

Soultail sidled up to Kain, trying to be as alluring as possible. This is not easy when you are part fox. "So, will you do it?"

"No. I refuse to have anything to do with that lunatic Clement. In any case, there is no competition there. I participated in one race, and won it! It no longer interests me."

FFF, seeing where this was going, screamed, "Hey! Save some for me!" and ran towards Kain. She was intercepted by Turel, who had graciously decided to spare his Lord the moral conflict. Meanwhile, the others departed the pillars in search of similar entertainments. Mr. Mxy and TBT quickly had strings of scantily clad groupies, but Clement, after several heated refusals, three assaults and somebody who somehow misinterpreted his advances and directed him to the nearest Starbucks, headed back. The others, well aware of the possibly disastrous consequences of letting Clement wander off alone, reluctantly disengaged and followed.

Meanwhile, Soultail was still trying to persuade Kain to participate.

"Kain, if not for me, do it for our child."

Flashback to Janos' mountain retreat for people who have forgotten the other chapters

"I am well aware that I am sterile, girl. Even if I was not, why would he/she care?"

"...Point taken."

"Enough of this." Kain disengaged gently. "Turel, control yourself."

The others arrived back, somewhat disappointed that everyone was fully clothed.

"I still don't intend to participate." Kain announced.

"My threat still stands, Kain." This from Clement, now more assured.

A nasty thought struck TBT.(Chibi TBT!!!! Oh Crapppp!)

"Clement?"

"Yes?"

"If you're here, whose on security at the track?"

"Oh, Moebius is taking care of it."

"Clement," said Mr. Mxy, slowly and dangerously, "it's his day off."

Kain was much amused. "Find me an intact track, and I'll race"

It then dawned on him that this was exactly the wrong sort of promise to make towards the Authors. They vanished, but he could be sure someone would remember.

Elder track.

When the authors arrived at the track, they found it overrun by fans. Even as they watched, a gang of fans carried off a screaming tentacle, despite several of them being crushed in the process. The Demon security guards were slaying hundreds, but were being overwhelmed. Clement was horrified. He shouted "No, no no! MAIM, you idiots, you're destroying our fanbase!"

With the co-ordination of the Authors, the track was eventually cleared. What was left of it. The entire announcer's booth had been carted off by the fans, who'd also chipped off pieces of the track and obstacles. They found Lil Ctec in the ruins of his popcorn stand.

Clement bent down.

"Sorry."

Lil Ctec looked up, his face a mask of rage. He screamed "Sorry! SORRY? THEY TOOK THE POPCORN, YOU INEPT IDIOT! FANS OVERRUN THE TRACK, STEAL THE STAND, THE OBSTACLES AND EVEN THE POPCORN? DID I NOT REQUEST 24 HOUR SURVEILLANCE ON THIS STAND! NOW THE POPCORN IS GONE, SO ARE THE HOT DOGS, AND THE NAC MAC FEEGLE TOOK THE LIQUOR, SO I CAN'T EVEN DROWN OUT MY SORROWS, AND YOU CAN SAY IS SORRY?

He quieted for a couple of minutes, then stood up, purpose in his stride and vengeance on his face. He screamed at the sky, "FEAR NOT, NOBLE POPCORN! YOU SHALL BE AVENGED!" before he ran after the receding mob of fans.

Meanwhile, the other discouraged authors sat on the track, wondering what they were going to do.

A few hours later, Moebius strolled in, whistling happily to himself. He found the authors still on the track.

"Hey, what happened here?"

They told him, finishing with their need for another track. An evil grin spread across his face.

"I know just the place."

Vorador's Mansion

The Authors had just finished inspecting the new track. They liked it.

TBT asked him in awe, "Hey Moebius, how did you convince Vorador to let us use this place?"

"Let's just say he saw it in his best interests, heheheh."

The camera cuts to the statue of Moebius, where someone has kindly placed a portable TV next to Vorador's head.

"Is the tollbooth really necessary?"

"Yes, I'm afraid Vorador was quite insistent. He will need some revenue if we destroy this track as well."

"Okay, time to start the race. Viewers, please give a warm welcome to our competitors, Kain, Wraith Raziel, Rahab, Umah, Nupraptor, and since minor characters seem to be popular, Pyromaniac Sarafan #3169.

Pyromaniac Sarafan discharged the flamethrower attached to his Kart. The Camera cuts to the spectral realm where Vorador, watching the Tv, screams, "WATCH THE CARPET!"

FFF continued commentating. "You know the course; the coins are for the tollbooth, so...

aaaaaaaannnnd they're off!

-And Kain Quickly gains the lead, with Raz trailing right behind him-

-Kain pulls into the tollbooth, but it appears he's forgotten to pick up any coins, what will happen here, I wonder. Let's zoom in...

Kain is arguing with Malek, who is manning the tollbooth. Malek has pointed to a sign, reading,

Human Grunt: 1 shilling

Human King: 10 golds

Pillar Guardian : 100 golds

Vampire King: 200 golds

Vampire Champion: 500 golds

Hylden Champion: 500 golds

Kain: Sorry, I don't seem to have much cash on me at the moment. Is there a discount for the scion of balance?"

Malek: Nope.

Kain: My personal cheque? It's backed up by the treasure rooms of Coorhagen.

Malek:No

Kain:Have you got change for a gold encrusted Razelim clan symbol?

Malek: Cash only.

Raziel enters the booth beside Kain

Kain: Spare change?

Raziel: No. Does it look to you that I have pockets?

Raziel shifts to spectral. A sluagh is manning the tollbooth.

Sluagh: Nice try.

Raziel returns to material and hands over 500 golds.

Malek: And the rest?

Raziel: Rest?

He studies the sign until he figures it out, then lets out a scream of rage. Moebius, in the announcers box, is having difficulty restraining his laughter.

The others pay up and pass by, with Nupraptor in front and Sarafan #3169 behind. Sarafan discharges his flame thrower, it misses and sets fire to a set of curtains.

Vorador, in spectral:Oh, that is IT!

He possesses a corpse on the track and proceeds to leap on Pyromaniac and beat him to ash. Umah stops to help. FFF resumes commentating

-And Rahab is gaining on Nupraptor now, who telekinetically shoves him intro a pool of water.

Rahab:Thanks

-But that's a bad move as Rahab's Kart morphs into a motor boat and laps Nupraptor easily. There's nothing he can do. And the winner is...Rahab!

I have no speech prepared. Until next time.

Chapter by: Clement Rage