A/N:Yo, Turn Based Tragedy here. This is my first chapter for the glory that is Kain Karts. I have a bit of a different writing style then the others so please bear with me. If you find the chapter not to your liking, you can always try to make TBT voodoo dolls. I find that it always calms me down to make voodoo dolls of myself...

Disclaimer: I do this out of habit now...but I still don't own Legacy of Kain...and neither do any of my partners in crime.

(Chibi Authors: Damn!)

The day was perfect. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, the hylden and vampires were locked in a bloody battle in the scenery, and the air was fragrant with the sweet scent of Kain's long luxurious hair. Yes, it was the perfect day for a race.

The elder god sighed happily, he had created this course with his own two hands and now that he had destroyed all the other courses, they could have possibly used they had no choice but to use this one. (The authors were strangely reluctant to use this race track. They said it was because of the snakes creeping about the road, but why on earth would they be afraid of some innocent little snakes that when enraged by fast moving objects turned into something similar to a land faring hydra that would tear anything to bits that got in it's path of violent destruction? Honestly, it didn't make any sense.) Now that the stubborn authors were here, they would have to see his brilliance...not to mention those pretty little human girls would notice he had the physique of a greek god and become his willing slaves.

(Chibis FFF, Soultail, and TBT: Yeah, right. In his dreams!)

"Ok...lets just try to get through this race without too many casualties, it cost us a fortune to bury all those spectators last time..." That announcer girl was pretty hot, why didn't they make them that way in Nosgoth? And that human guarding the fences to make sure all the fan girls didn't go huffing Kain's hair again, MAN, that was one sexy person.

Hoo boy, he'd have to wear something hot to outdo these lookers. How 'bout a pair of skin tight faux leather pants? That would woo any reluctant lady (apparently the elder thought it would woo reluctant gentlemen, too). The elder god was happy that his solution was so incredibly simple but something wasn't right...something just didn't add up about his pants...

(Chibis girls and guys: EWWWWWW!)

"Now, I'd like to make the rules clear this time, no- and I mean absolutely, NO ZOMBIES. That was half the problem last time, so Mortanius, leave them outside the race track, you can play with them later..." What pants was the elder god wearing right now? He couldn't feel the texture of the pants against his godly legs. Wait a second...he couldn't feel his legs!

"And if any of you so much as THINK it would be funny to throw a melchiahim with a time bomb in his chest cavity out on the roadl, don't, because you will be disqualified THE VERY INSTANT you do it." He could not feel his legs! What was wrong with these people? Couldn't they see they were in the middle of a crisis here?

"I can't feel my legs." the elder god said in disbelief.

"Oh, Vorador, you think that's pretty funny don't you? Well...YOUR DISQUALIFIED JUST FOR THINKING-"

"I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!" the elder screamed in agony. "DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE ANY EYES? I CANNOT FEEL MY LEGS! I AM IN DISTRESS! DISTRESS!"

"Um...elder god?...you don't have any-"

"NO FEELING IN MY LEGS! OH GOD WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?"

"But...you are-"

"SILENCE, PUNY RANDOM INSIGNIFICANT PERSON! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU CAN'T BRING THE FEELING IN MY LEGS BACK?"

(Chibi Soultail: Bugger off, Elder God.)

"But I'm just trying to start the ra-"

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? WHY? WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY?"

"ELDER GOD, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY LEGS. NOW, IF YOU WOULD JUST SHUT UP, WE COULD START THE-"

"WHY CAN'T I FEEL MY- wait...no...legs...? No...legs?...AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I DON'T HAVE ANY LEGS!"

(Chibi Authors: Sigh!)

The end.