Authors Notes: Say hello to the new chapter!
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When You Lose Your Way
First You Hate To Love
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I don't know when things began to be different between Draco and I. Maybe when we parted hugs and stared into the each others eyes, as if we were the only people in the stadium after the quidditch match? Perhaps when we had an amazing time when I was in hospital? Maybe it was even when he found out he was the Father of our baby. I don't know.
Things were just... different.
In a good way though. A good, uncomfortable way. We would find each other in a crowded room, and smile. We would see the other in class, and find a suddenly open seat next to each other. We would smile, with our lips and our eyes. And it was good.
I liked him. A lot. Maybe love him? But I felt something strong for him, and for the first time, in a really, really long time - after finding out about the pregnancy and finally telling him... I was scared.
"You don't want to go out tonight, do you?" Draco asked me, while I sat across him, tapping my quill. I flipped the pages in my book, and set it aside.
"Not really. I'm actually really tired." We were in our living room, and the dusty fumes and darkness of the room really set off my sleepy mood. I had to stifle about a million yawns, but of course, I couldn't, as much as I tried.
"Do you want to sleep?"
In your arms? Sure, why not? "Yes."
"That's fine with me. Let's go - I'll help you to your room."
Draco, in all his glory, strode across the table, and picked me up, draping my one arm over his shoulder, and hauling my chunky self to my bedroom. He still had to steer clear of my bulging stomach though, which I sadly noticed was as big as two bowling balls. I sighed. My baby was going to be fat.
"Draco," I moaned, when he sat me on my bed, "our baby is going to be fat," I announced suddenly.
"What? Why would you say that?"
"Because it is!"
"Our baby will not be fat," he said. Not that there was anything wrong with fat. Fat was cute and cute meant beauty.
"How do you know?"
"Because this baby," he gently forced me back onto my bed by the shoulders, "will have incredible genes." He winked at me, and I could tell he or she would also have an ego the size of my stomach, thanks to their Father.
"You're so full of yourself," I said, while getting into the blanket.
"Look who's talking," he laughed. I only glared at him, unable to fight back my sleepiness. "Go away," I muttered, while closing my eyes. Even though it was the last thing I wanted. I really wanted him to stay with me in bed, and tell me more about our baby. He knew it inside and out even before it was going to be born.
"Rest," he said softly, after tucking my blankets in. I suddenly felt warm and cozy. Why couldn't he just join me?
"Have to let your baby's mother get some shut-eye, right?"
"Yeah. Wish I could say the same for myself."
"You get some sleep too, Daddy. You'll be needing it."
"Me? Sleep? I'm a night person, you know that."
By now, my eyes had already closed, and I was having a blind conversation. "Sure. Just... try to get some rest? It's not just me who needs it."
He sighed, and brushed his hand across my forehead. His new sign of affection for me. "Sure."
I heard him walk across the room, and towards the door. I was a little confused that I didn't hear the door shut, but I guessed he just wanted to keep it open, so he had an eye on me. Then I felt him smile, really felt it, and mutter, "Hermione... you're such a good friend." And then he shut the door.
At the exact same moment, my eyes shot open, and I (somewhat) sat up in my bed. Friend? Friend? I was such a good friend? My heart sank deep into it's hole. I was his good friend. Friend.
And what should be a good word in life, one that means you're not alone and that you have people to turn to, I turned it into an ugly one, and scowled at it, as if it were right in front of me, staring daggers. Friend. A worthless word. I was just his friend - nothing else. He saw me as nothing else.
I sank slowly back into my blankets, and shut my eyes, still pretending to glower at the ugly word.
Friend.
xxxxxx
"Hey, sleepy head. Wake up!"
I woke up to the sight of blinding light, and instantly my arm moved to cover my eyes. I slept up till morning and I was suddenly glad it was a weekend.
"Sod off, Draco," I muttered, while getting back into bed.
"It's not Draco, it's Ginny!" I smacked my forehead, and scolded myself for always wanting and thinking that the person to always want to speak to me first thing in the morning was Draco. Had I fallen that deep for him, unknowingly?
"Sorry Gin... it's just early and I - I ..." I yawned, sat up, and rubbed my eyes, "I'm still half asleep," I finished.
"Sure you are," Ginny said, as if she knew something I didn't. I ignored her, and patted my belly.
"What's up?"
"Just wanted to know if you were up for visiting Hogsmeade this afternoon. Are you?"
I groaned, and patted my big, round belly again. "I don't think so."
"Why?"
"Just 'cause I don't feel like it. I'm so tired!" I exclaimed, in a very un-tired away. Ginny nodded and sat down on the end of my bed. "How's the little thing?" Ginny had taken to calling the baby thing for some reason. I thought it was hilarious.
"My baby, is fine."
She laughed at me. "What about the daddy?"
I sighed, remembering his departing words last night, and the new evil word. Friend. "The daddy who I'm only friends with?" I muttered. I had said it quietly enough, but Ginny acted like she heard it.
"Things not going so well between the two of you?"
"No," I said, "things are going fine. But... but..." But what's the good of me having feelings for him when he doesn't return them?
"But?"
"I dunno," I said. She smiled at me again, the same sneaky smile, but I avoided looking at it, for fear that I might admit my feelings for him to her. But it wasn't as if she didn't already secretly know. "Where is he anyways?" Draco usually would have been in my room now, reciting our schedule for the day, while Ginny rolled her eyes. I looked beyond her, and the dorm was empty.
"Left a note on the fridge saying he went out with his mindless cronies for a while and would be back in the late afternoon."
"He actually put that?"
"No. But he should've."
I smiled crookedly. "Well, my day's going to be boring," I muttered, half sad that Draco didn't tell me himself.
"Which is why you should come to Hogsmeade with me," she suggested with a grin.
"Can we go buy baby clothes?"
"Whatever floats your broom."
"Okay!"
I got out of bed and pushed her out of my room, to give me the privacy of changing alone. Who would want to see a pregnant woman half-naked anyways? I launched myself at my cloest, ready to attack the clothes, when I noticed the book Draco had given me when I was in hospital, lying on my night stand. I paused, and picked it up.
The leathery read book looked new still, but the inside was much different. I'd highlighted names and important facts, suggested things I do with the baby and all those things. Draco had given it to me. I thought he might love me then. But, now, I know he never will.
Sighing, I sat down and lay it in my lap. I stared. Stared and stared. I didn't know what else to do.
"Get your hiney moving, preggers!" Ginny yelled from outside. I jumped out of my thought, and set it aside gently where I found it. I had to go to Hogsmeade with Ginny and play the role of best friend. Surely that would take my mind off of things.
But then again, being a friend wasn't the greatest thing on my mind right now.
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Later, I returned with a dozen bags of new clothes for the baby (mix-matched boy and girl clothes, just 'cause Ginny and I figured we could toy around with them and make something completely new and stylish), as exhausted as I was earlier yesterday. Draco was already sitting on the couch, waiting for me.
"You were out long," he said.
"Only for four hours," I said, setting aside my things. For some reason, I couldn't look him in the eye.
"How was Hogsmeade?"
"Fine. How was hanging out with Crabbe and Goyle and the sort?" I asked, more out of boredness than interest.
"Fine."
I yawned, and went towards my bedroom. "Would you mind whipping something up while I rested?"
"Way ahead of you, Hermione. Casserole with pickles on the side tonight."
My mouth watered as if on cue, as the smell of dinner wafted towards my nose. "How much do I pay you again?"
Draco snorted. "Here, just lay down on the couch. It's almost ready, anyways." He stood up, and left the couch, swatting away all the wrinkles he had made. I took it most greedily, and almost instantly went to sleep.
"Hermione?" he asked, standing before me.
"Yeah?"
"How many months along are you?"
"Five and a half now. Why?"
"Dunno. Just felt like asking."
"Want the baby to pop out now?" I murmured. I didn't know about him, but I certainly did.
"Well, I can wait a while."
"Why is that?" I asked with curiosity.
"Well..." I could almost feel him fidget. "I've kind of liked these past few months with you. It's been really fun."
"I know. I think so too." I thought that this was a bit odd of him. Why the sudden topic?
"I've come to really…" He paused.
"Really what?"
To my great and utter surprise, he knelt so that he and I were eye to eye. I sat there, still and silent, trying to figure out the rest of his sentence. And I panicked completely.
"Are you proposing to me?" I half screeched/blurted.
He looked at me, appalled, completely caught off guard and utterly embarassed. Quite like myself, actually.
"No! No, no, no, no! Not at all!"
"Then what are you saying?" I demanded.
He looked at me cautiously this time, all sign of surprise taken away from the crease of his forehead, replaced with intense thought. "I've come to really… love, you, Hermione." And he gave me a knowing look.
I had to try really, really hard after that to say "No, I love you! I love you so much!" But I didn't. Instead, I just sat there, wondering where all this came from, and then I remembered I was just his friend. He was just trying to make me feel better. The love he was talking about was friendly love. And this realization made me want to sit down and cry for a while. But I had to hide it somehow. So I did the first thing that came to mind.
I blurted out with laughter.
"Aw, me too, Draco! " I paused, letting my great act catch up with him, "I love you too! You're one of my greatest friends!" I saw him staring at me, unable to react himself, but I thought I saw sadness cross his face. I ignored it. It was just my imagination.
"Oh... oh, yeah, I know," he said, mumbling a little, yet confirming my thoughts all along. He didn't have feelings for me. "I just thought that since the birth is in about three months, I should tell you now what a run we've had, and how much I'm enjoying all this."
I sighed, breathing in and out after my little burst of laughter. Draco stared at me and I ignored the fact that it was almost a hard glare. Then, it turned into a blank face, and then an angry scowl. It was just so sudden, I could hardly catch it.
"You okay? " I asked, wondering if I was the reason for that look on his face.
"Yup." But his tone of voice had changed as well. It was hard, and his face was stony. I stopped laughing immediately.
"What's… wrong? Have I done something?" I asked.
"You haven't done a thing." He shook his head, and stood up. He was still giving me that stony look, like I'd done something wrong.
"Where are you going?" I asked, after I spotted him trying to leave the dorm. It was six o'clock in the evening and we still had homework to do!
"None of your business," he said coldly; and for some reason, I felt like bursting into tears. What had I done wrong? He was the one that didn't love me. He broke my heart.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
He stopped at the frame of the door, about to leave, but I didn't have the heart to stop him. All I wanted was to take back the moment, and tell him the truth: that I loved him even though he didn't love me the exact same way. He just had to know.
"I'll be back. See you later. Friend."
And then he slammed the door behind him, gone. I couldn't believe it. The only thing I could do was wait for him to come home, and explain his sudden anger. I ignored the fact that I should be the one who was angry, when he was the one that didn't love me. Half of me thought he knew I did, and just wanted to get my hopes up for no reason with that whole conversation. My eyes blinded with tears, but I held them back. Instead, I yelled and called him every name in the book , hurting him as much as possible.
Another night alone in a pregnant woman's life.
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It was late now - maybe around eleven, when I heard the door to our common room close. I sighed, glad he was finally home, for he'd been gone for hours. His departure was sudden, and moody, and I was glad we could patch it up now, apologize for being idiots.
I opened the door of my room, and found Draco in the kitchen, head stuck inside the fridge, looking for something. I watched him pull out a firewhiskey, and sighed. I had to get him away from the drinks, because I more than anybody knew how he could get with alcohol in his hands.
"Where have you been?" I demanded. Probably not a good start, considering the fact that I wanted to clear the air between us.
"Where have you been?" he mimicked me, in a very high pitched voice. I narrowed my eyes, angry at him now.
"No need to be childish," I said. He mimicked me once more.
I put my hands on my waist, and glared at him. He only looked back, indifferently, and I suddenly had to know why he was acting like this; so rude and careless.
"What's your problem?" I yelled, using my hands for emphasis. "Why are you acting like this?"
As if my sudden burst of anger had fuelled him, he glared at me, really glared, frightening me to the bone. I had to stop myself from shivering, or backing away. Almost like I used to when he was just the boy who raped me.
"Why am I acting like this?" he said, equally loud. Suddenly, I was glad we were hundreds of floors away from eavesdropping company. "Are you that dense, Granger?"
I narrowed my eyes, narrower than they had been before, and shrugged. "Am I supposed to know something?"
He smiled, no, sneered, and began sauntering his way in front of me. I didn't back away, as hard as it was to give in, but I had to stand my ground. This was the confrontation we had been waiting for for weeks. I smelled his sweaty, smelly breath, and the scent of alcohol made me want to vomit. He was drunk.
And now I was really scared.
"Yes, you're supposed to know something!" he yelled, grabbing me around the shoulders and shaking me. I yelped and tried to let myself loose, but his grip was just too strong. This scene was all too familiar for me.
"I - I'm sorry! What is it?" I pleaded, saying anything he wanted just so he would stop.
"Don't you know Hermione? Don't you know?" he repeated, shaking me every time he yelled. I cringed, and held back my tears. I pushed him away, but he only came back with a vengeance.
"You're drunk!" I spat. The same words I said that one ugly night, that seemed so long ago; when Draco was evil. When he wasn't my Draco. This drunk, angry one wasn't mine.
"Come on, Hermione, this is fun," he said, roughly letting me go. He backed off, staring daggers at me, but I stood where I was, even though I was free to flee to the safety of my bedroom. With all my anger, I ran towards him, and punched him in the chest with both my hands, swinging back and forth, back and forth, trying to hurt him as he hurt me that night, and this night.
Hardly caring that I was punching like a five year old, and wailing like one too, I continued, hoping he felt something. "What's the matter with you!" I shrieked.
"The matter with me? What about you, Hermione? What about you?" he growled, picking me off him like I was a toddler, and holding me in front of him, back to shaking me.
"Let go!" I whined.
"Thought you could always do this? Keep me hanging by a string, doing your bidding, hoping, praying that you felt something for me too?"
I paused now, stopped crying, stopped shrieking, and let him talk. "Thought you could just laugh things off like that and call me your friend? Just to spite me? All 'cause of what I did that night, when I was drunk and vulnerable? Huh? You're still mad at me for that night!?" His last word was literally growled, and yelled like some beast. I cringed with his every word.
"I did what I could! Did everything so I wouldn't feel guilty and so you would see me the way I see you!" he spat. Again, I cringed and I cringed. "I thought you could see I was different; that I changed..." he trailed off, as if he was suddenly weak. Slowly, his grip on me loosened and I began to fall away from him, keeping distance between me and this crazy man.
"When I told you I loved you back there," his voice was weary, "I meant it. And even as I try explaining it now, you're still scared of me." I suppressed a gasp, for I had just found out that I had interpreted his words completely wrong. I'd acted such a fool, and hurt his feelings for no reason. But how could I feel guilty about all that, when he was acting like this?
"I thought you knew that I changed."
"No... you haven't changed," I said, after a moment of silence. I blinked back my tears and summoned all my courage. "If you can still be like this... treat me like this... come home to me like this, the same way you were that night when you hurt me..." he flinched, but I continued, "...then you haven't changed at all."
I closed my bedroom door when I realized that I had finally reached it, and slid down the polished wood, so that I was hugging my knees to my chest. I cried for the same reason I cried when he raped me; because I was beaten and hurt, and didn't want to face him. His voice was still in my ears, ringing like it wanted to torture me. I thought you could see I was different... that I changed. I could see nothing at all.
"Fine!" I heard him yell, blundering like a fool. My tears fell like rain drops on my cheeks. "See how you do without me for one day, Granger, just watch! You know you need me! You..." but I drained his ugly voice out; the yelling, the stomping. It was nothing to me.
All along, he had felt something for me too. Loved me so strong that I drove him to drunken madness, when I told him I didn't feel the same way. I had hurt him, just as he hurt me. The thoughts came rushing down, piercing me right where it hurt most. We were both such fools… and though we loved each other the most, we hurt each other the most.
This was going to be a long night.
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To be continued...
A/N: Whoaness! What happened there? Quite the awful confrontation of the feelings, eh? Sorry, I just felt their relationship was going too good. Had to add an arguement to shake things up! Don't worry, hopefully things will get better between them 8). R&R if you love Dramione!