This started out as a poke-fun-at-the-adopting-ways-of-Brangelina (which hey, if they wanna adopt, let them) and morphed into poke-fun-at-Dumbledore-and-Snape-and-fix-the-school.
The timelines are messed up like woah, ignore it. That's what I did. Also, not beta'd.
This weeks People Magazine's main article:
Brad And Angie Adopt British Orphan Boy
At a press conference yesterday, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt announced that they are adopting a 2 year old British orphan boy from the Surrey area. The boy's parents were killed several months ago in Wales in what officials are calling an accidental gas leak. The only other relatives that could be found were more than happy to sign the custodial papers over to the famous couple, seemingly thrilled that their nephew would be able have a new family. The relatives have repeatedly claimed that they in no way are trying to receive any type of monetary compensation for their nephew's new custodial arrangement, either now or in the future and have had to signed various documents to prevent it from ever occurring.
Brad and Angelina have stated that with the addition of Harry, their family is complete. Jolie is quoted as saying, "Harry completes the white children set. Now Shiloh will have someone in the family that looks like her too. We have three sets, Maddox and Pax, Zahara and insert name here, and Shiloh and Harry. I feel complete now."
When asked by a curious reporter why the Jolie-Pitts would not be having another biological child instead of adopting, Jolie replied that "It's easier to adopt than to go through another pregnancy, and if you think I'm putting my body through that again you have another think coming"
All in all, welcome to the Jolie-Pitt household little Harry; and world please welcome Harry Jolie-Pitt.
Nine years later, in a certain office at a certain school…
"What do you mean he's not there? Are you sure Hagrid?" concerned blue eyes peered over square spectacles at the half giant.
"I'm sure 'eadmaster. Them ruddy muggles said 'e'd been adopted by some 'merican when 'e was only two years old! Some 'merican's got 'arry!" Hagrid sobbed, wiping his rather large facial features with something that vaguely resembled a tablecloth.
After sending Hagrid, still blubbering, to the infirmary for a calming potion, Dumbledore firecalled Snape and asked him to come to the headmaster's office. After sneering a great deal and almost two hours of snappish, demeaning comments on Harry Potter, Potters in general, Gryffindors, Americans, Hagrid, and the Headmaster himself, Snape submitted, rather reluctantly, to going to America and retrieving Mr. Potter.
Dumbledore raided his emergency supply of medicinal potions for the strongest, and incidentally highly illegal, headache reducer he had bribed Snape to make.
When, not less than two hours after he had apparated to the States, Snape showed up in the infirmary, having activated his emergency, generally for death-eater-meetings-only portkey that he hadn't had to use in almost ten whole years, beaten bloody, the Headmaster stopped to consider that it might have been a good idea to inform the American Ministry of Magic about this problem and get some back up. However, before this glimmer of an idea could fully formulate into a workable plan, Minister Fudge called on the floo, asking permission to come through.
Dumbledore sighed, and lifted the wards, allowing the Minister to enter. He brought with him several high ranking officials, a contingent of Aurors and a man he introduced to the Headmaster as the American Ministry for Magic Ambassador connected to the American Embassy in London.
Fudge quickly got to the point. It seems that when trying to remove Harry Jolie-Pitt from his adoptive parents, Dumbledore forgot about a little something called the law. Snape had been subdued by two of Harry's body guards and one of Maddox's when he had tried to snatch the 11 year old outside of the private school the children attended.
The Jolie-Pitts, who somehow, no one would explain to Dumbledore exactly how, knew about the Wizarding World, had contacted the American Ministry of Magic and were clamoring for arrests to be made for the attempted kidnapping. With their visibility, fame and money, they were being listened to.
The Aurors were there to arrest one Severus Snape, who was being extradited to the United States to face charges of kidnapping there. They were also going to be interrogating the staff and had special permission to use Veritaserum on every last one of them, making sure that there were no more kidnappers about.
When Snape was finally able to talk, he implicitly implicated that Dumbledore had been the mastermind behind the whole shebang so Dumbledore was also arrested and extradited.
Since no deaths had occurred in the attempt, and they didn't actually manage to kidnap Harry, they were only in prison for 18 months.
However, when they arrived back in England, the world as they had known it had been changed drastically. It seemed that in order to insure that Harry would come to Hogwarts his adopted mother, a Ms. Angelina Jolie, and his adopted father, a Mr. Brad Pitt, had been given a lot of power at Hogwarts. Power which they had utilized.
The staircases no longer moved as they were a health hazard. There was only one way into the castle, although there were several new ways with which one could exit. These were all appropriately marked with large red signs stating "Emergency Exit" with smaller letters underneath that proclaimed "Opening this door will activate an alarm."
The only entrance had an office next to it where visitors had to check in and receive badges. The badges had to be worn at all times and the students had them as well. Several new wards had been put up.
Anyone not wearing a badge outside of the dorms would be magically transported to a magic suppressing holding cell and detained until security determined they were not a threat. Students generally only forgot their badge once. Pets were required to have a smaller version of the badge on their collars and owls had to go through several check points to determine that the contents of packages were not contaminated by biohazards before they were allowed to deliver the mail.
The teaching staff was drastically different as well. Professor McGonagall as Headmistress, Hagrid, Sprout, Flitwick, Vector, Sinistra and Hooch were the only familiar faces. Security teams were in evidence. Hagrid was given staff to help him with the grounds keeping. Several new classes were available and with them came several new teachers, all of which were given thorough criminal background checks.
Madam Pince had been replaced.
The house system had been obliterated; students were divvied up as to grade, gender, and last names in alphabetical order for dorm purposes. What used to be Ravenclaw and Gryffindor towers were now the Junior and Senior girls' towers respectively and Hufflepuff's and Slytherin's areas were the Junior and Senior boys' areas. Points were awarded to grades or forms instead of houses.
Quidditch had teams that one had to try out for. There were two teams per form starting second year. The two teams in the same year would play each other and who ever won would go on to play a different year, Junior teams against Juniors and Senior teams against Seniors. Once your team had beaten all the other teams in your division you could play against the other winning team. Both the Junior and the Senior winning teams got trophies and the winner in the Junior against Senior team got another trophy.
Potions had been divided into three sessions per each grade. There were several fundamentals classes as the Headmistress had seen the need to hire not one but three professors to help undo the damage Snape had caused. Most students were taking at least two potions classes in order to catch up their knowledge to where it should be. There was a new tutoring office with a lot of open hours and a walk in policy.
Enrollment was on the rise. Instead of the normal 40-ish new first year kids, this new system was bringing in upwards of 100 new first year students in it's second year. This, of course, was not counting the upper year exchange students that were pouring in as the result of having the famous Harry Jolie-Pitt and one of his older famous siblings as students in their school.
A PTA had been formed with monthly meetings and a voice on the school board.
Draco Malfoy had been expelled within a month of his first year. It seems that it doesn't pay to insult Harry's parents around him, especially since he's been training in self defense since the age of four, which was his first attempted kidnapping. Draco also hadn't figured out the fact that bodyguards, even if they are muggles, do exactly that: guard Harry's body. His first attempt at a jinx was met with decisive and debilitating force. There was no second attempt.
Quirrel had been dismissed from his position upon his arrival. Ms. Jolie had apparently gotten "all weirded out" at the sight of him, and Dumbledore was informed with great impunity that when Ms. Angelina Jolie "gets weirded out, something is very, very weird".
When McGonagall had been informed by Hagrid of the package he had fetched for Dumbledore from Gringotts she had become most upset and had contacted Nicolas Flammel and returned the stone, telling him to arrange his own security as her school was not the place for such things. There were children here for Merlin's sake!
Flammel was pleased to be given back the stone; it seemed that he hadn't wanted it to leave his possession in the first place.
Peeves was under a magical contract to not interrupt classes or students on their way to class under threat of exorcism.
Several magical surveyors from the U.S. spent most of Harry's first year mapping out the school in excruciating detail. Several times they had to procure the services of a curse breaker and Gringotts had sent them a redhead who was low-ish on the totem pole because of his young age, but brilliant none the less. The fact that he was very cool and very hot caused many of the older upper year students to consider going to one of the magical universities to study curse breaking themselves or to study the curse breakers depending on their interest.
A theatre was established at Hogwarts and with it a drama department and two drama teachers and a voice coach who quickly re-vamped the choir and asked for and got an orchestra teacher.
The house elves were considered staff and had authority over the students. They were also allowed to take and give points and detention. One house elf lived in each tower/ living area as a dorm-parent; their "popping" ability and different magic giving them an advantage over any troublemaking students.
Minister Fudge had tried to treat Headmistress McGonagall the same way he had treated Dumbledore, eg: ask for advice and then not follow it. McGonagall put a stop to it rather quickly. "This is a school for children," she told him, "not a place to play politics. I need to focus on the school and the students, not on domestic policy. Ask your advisors, you do pay them after all."
When Fudge had whined that they were all just "yes-men", McGonagall turned him over to Mr. Pitt who found the Minister 5 new advisors who would never be "yes-men" in less than two days. Under the advisement of these new wizards, economic, domestic and foreign policy were shaping up in a way they never had before.
With all these and many more smaller changes there just wasn't any room for Dumbledore or Snape any more. In any case, McGonagall semi-apologetically informed them, their criminal records would have stopped them from working with minors, so perhaps it was all for the best.