Chapter Eleven: Boys Are Stupid

You deserve better Addison.

I want to know you.

She sighed and leaned against the back wall of the elevator. Guys like Alex didn't say those things unless they meant them.

I mean, I don't want to just be sleeping with you. This isn't just about sex for me.

Addison pressed the heels of her palms into her eye-sockets, trying to drive away the heartbreaking image of his hopeful smile as he said those words. She was not supposed to be thinking about him. She was supposed to be avoiding him. And she was. She just wasn't avoiding thinking about him.

I don't want to just be sleeping with you. This isn't just about sex for me.

What a mess. A simple sexual indiscretion was bad enough but it was also easily dealt with. There were guidelines and clear cut rules to follow. Once emotions were involved, and there was no way she could convince herself it had just been sex, for Alex or for herself... Once emotions were involved, things shifted into a realm of terrifying uncertainties, grey areas and elevated stakes.

I should never have kissed him. I should have kicked him off my service after the nursery. I should never have let it get this far.

At least it was over now. She had finally drawn the line. Not out of concern for Alex, or because she was worried about her reputation but because she was scared and selfish and she wasn't going to beat herself up for that. She couldn't afford to be anything but selfish. Her life was a mess.

I make stupid sexual decisions. That was one hell of an understatement. She was like Meredith Grey on steroids.

Luckily she was alone because she started laughing at the ridiculous mental image. Then she decided that if anyone was on steroids it was probably Mark which made her laugh even more and she'd just decided that she'd finally gone insane and was having a breakdown in the elevator when someone requested a stop and she had to put on a straight face. The person on the other side of the doors killed her mood immediately. Derek.

"Hey, Addison."

"Hi." Go away Derek. Whatever you're going to say, just don't.

"Are you o.k? Mark called me last night and said you were upset."

She did not want to be having this conversation. The last couple of days had been emotionally draining enough. She didn't want Derek's sympathy on top of all that. She was going to do her job and then she was going to go home and sleep.

"I'm o.k. now. It's dealt with."

"Are you sure you're o.k."

"Yes, I'm sure. It was kind of ridiculous in the first place."

"Do you want to talk about it."

He's really not letting go of this.

"Not with you."

"Addison, you know I'll always be here for you."

She couldn't help laughing a little at that.

"I'm sorry, that's just... That's sweet of you, Derek, but I think I can manage on my own. I managed without you half the time when we were married so why should I suddenly need you to look after me now that we're divorced?"

"Addison..."

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to hurt you or start a fight, but really, I'll be o.k. on my own."

"Nobody's o.k. on their own, Addison. Everyone needs someone."

"Well you're not my someone anymore." She'd expected saying that out-loud to be more painful. Derek looked a little hurt. Maybe she should feel badly for him.

"O.k. But if you change you're mind..." he trailed off.

"O.k."

She'd almost started to hope that the conversation was over and they could exit the elevator in silence when Derek spoke again.

"I'm going to risk sounding like a jerk here, but... Last night when you were upset... Was it because of me?"

At that point she gave up on even trying to feel badly for him.

"No, Derek! Jesus! Did you even think about how that was going to sound before you said it? This has nothing to do with you. Goodbye." Normally she wouldn't even have wanted to avoid a yelling match after a presumptuous remark like that, but she'd had a rough day.

Instead of fighting she went in search of someone to vent to and ended up in Orthopedics. They hadn't really talked in ages because Callie was busy with George and she was busy being... stupid and irresponsible.

There was no way Callie was her someone but they could have conversations that weren't work related and that was good enough at the moment.

"Someone should tell Meredith Grey that her boyfriend's ego needs some serious deflating," she declared and punctuated her sentence by flopping into a chair. Callie leaned back in her own chair and sighed.

"Some one should tell George O'Mally that sticking up for his girlfriend is more important than potentially hurting Izzie Stevens' feelings.

Since when do you refer to McDreamy as 'Meredith Grey's boyfriend, by the way?"

"Since when do you refer to your boyfriend as 'George O'Mally?"

"We're fighting."

"Oh. Don't worry. Fighting is o.k. If you bother to fight it means you still care. You two are going to last."

"You think so?" Callie sounded doubtful.

"I do. Although I haven't always displayed the best judgment when it comes to men."

"Oh, no. Did you sleep with Mark again?"

"No. I guess the plus side of this whole thing is that for once I haven't slept with Mark."

Callie raised her eyebrows, obviously expecting some clarification, but it wouldn't really be fair to Alex to tell anyone else.

"I probably shouldn't talk about it."

She decided to change the subject. "Maybe I should just give up, swear off men all together. That's it. I'm done with men."

"Props to that. Boys are stupid."

"Yeah."

That, putting it a little simplistically, was the story of her life. She was inclined to make stupid decisions when men were involved. Therefore, boys, if not intrinsically stupid, were at least a stupid idea if she wanted to be a person who never made mistakes. She meant what she said about swearing off men.

Yet somehow she ended up at Mark's house that night. Just as friends. Still, even that was dangerous territory. She told herself she wouldn't make a habit of if. She wouldn't let him turn into her someone.

So that was a little bit of comic relief, because even Grey's is not melodramitic all the time.

I am having some difficulty uploading but I do have more written and I've got this thing planned out to the end.

I've also planned out my other fic to the bitter end as well and planned an entire new addison and alex fic for when this one is over. It's going to be... different.

REVIEW. REVIEW. REVIEW.

Next time: What's going on between Addison and Mark?