So I got really brave. And I decided to go out on a limb. And I did something I've never done before.


I used a symbol.


And then I started having some doubts as to whether I should have done this big scary thing that I did. And started to feel a little nervous and embarrassed and I really, really wanted to cut it out and just pretend it never happened.


But then I thought, "Hey, the great thing about fan fiction is that you can experiment with something you wouldn't normally try and then people can review and tell you if it worked or not and if they liked it."


So I'm hoping that's what will happen.


In other words, review. Tell me if the symbol was good or if it was hugely clichéd and/or obvious and/or pretentious. Please tell me I am not a big ol' hack.

Chapter Sixteen: It's in the Past

Addison twirled the stem of her champagne flute between her fingers and tried to remember the last time she'd been to a wedding. It would have been three or four years ago. When she was more or less happily married, the threads that stitched her to Derek just beginning to come loose and un-ravel.

She sipped her champagne. Made a weak effort to resist thinking about how much her life had changed in the past few years.

The Addison of three years ago radiated confidence. She knew where she was going and was still so capable of concealing her private uncertainties. Any flickerings of doubt she felt were easily ignored and quickly suppressed.

Stop. Thinking like this is not going to help.

Somehow that strength had disappeared. Or rather Derek had disappeared. Derek, who she'd needed. Derek, who she now realized she'd been shockingly dependant on.

He had gradually slipped away, drawing much of her confidence with him. And while she managed to maintain an outward semblance of control, inside she was reeling, stumbling blindly, reaching out for something to hold onto.

And she was lonely. And new shoes weren't going to make it go away. And Mark was just there.

And maybe I actually fell in love with him.

But they were both too screwed up at that point, and it was too… complicated, and it wasn't just because Mark was a man-whore that they never really had a chance.

Inevitably it fell apart and still shaken she'd stumbled after Derek.

It would have been better to let go. She could have avoided a lot of pain. And saved a lot of face. She could have kept her trip to Seattle strictly professional and been gone in two weeks. But then he didn't sign the papers and she told herself that was good enough and suddenly not trying wasn't an option. Weak.

Well, that was her.

She'd come to realize that the snark and the sarcasm and the immaculate hair were just a defense and underneath it all she was a needy and insecure and vulnerable person in more ways than one. It was Derek who'd failed to recognize that. He'd probably hurt her more than he realized. And she'd loved him so badly it hurt even worse.

Mark never hurt the way Derek did. Does that mean I never loved him?

Maybe I just needed someone.


Maybe he was just someone else to depend on.

No. She would never have used the words "Mark" and "dependable" in the same sentence. Until recently.

Complicated.

Stop. It doesn't matter. It's in the past.

She couldn't afford to keep looking back. She needed to focus her energy on here, and now. Make some more friends in Seattle. Maybe move out of the hotel and move on with her life. Because where she was sitting right now was not great. Getting better, thanks mostly to Mark, but still not great.

Today especially, things were not great. People seemed to expect her to be miserable and the weight of that expectation pressed down on her, making it really hard not to be uncomfortable at least, if not downright depressed. It also made her determined to plaster a smile on her face, chat and be sociable, no matter how much she wanted to get away and have some time to herself. Because she really couldn't stand to be pitied.

But despite the charade, despite the affected happiness she still felt isolated. It reminded her a little of high-school. She was the band geek with braces, again. People either avoided her or were awkward and overly friendly. She felt like she was wearing a sign, like there was some sort of flashing neon light that identified her as divorced, someone to be careful around. People were treating her like she was made of glass.

Mark stayed next to her all afternoon, never once leaving her side. Occasionally his arm would brush against hers, a physical reminder that he was close, that it would be so easy to lean into him if she decided she wanted to.

And across the deck Alex was sitting with Izzie Stevens, talking, and occasionally even smiling. Which was rare. And nice. And...

Stop.

She should not be trying to remember the last time they'd talked like that, shared that kind of easy conversation. She should not be remembering his stubble scratching her skin, his hands on her waist, the heat of his breath against her neck. She should not even be thinking about him.

But he wasn't making it easy. He was looking her. She could feel him looking at her.

Complicated.

And then, as if she didn't have enough to think about, her ex-husband was suddenly standing right next to her, looking awkward and uncomfortable, and asking

"Hey, Addison. I was um... wondering if we could talk."

Mark shifted uneasily and she noticed his hand jerk a little, as if he was fighting the instinct to wrap her in his arms, to protect her. But she was sick of being coddled and Derek was smiling and the idea of getting away from the other guests, the sheer crushing weight of all those people, was inviting and if she was honest with herself, the idea of an actual honest conversation with Derek was inviting as well. So she went.

They walked around to the other end of the boat and there were a few minutes of awkward silence before Derek mumbled,

"Nice corsage. Is that an orchid?" and for lack of anything better to say she responded,

"Yeah. Did you know orchids are parasites?"

Derek raised an eyebrow.

"I thought orchids were flowers."

So she explained,

"They're parasitic flowers. They're beautiful but... They have to latch onto other plants to survive. They can't sustain themselves on their own." She fell silent and Derek looked out at the water for a minute before saying,

"Well they're pretty anyway," and suddenly adding, "Does this make you sad?"

She instinctively knew what he was talking about.

"Does it make me sad that Richard and Adele worked it out and we didn't? No. Not really. You're more sentimental than I am. And I don't really think it's a comparable situation."

"Because of Meredith?"

"Partially. Anyway, I don't think we should be sad about it."

He smiled and then drew a deep breath and after a visible struggle, said,

"Listen, if you and Mark are... If you're... together... Then that's great. I'm really happy for you."

She sighed.

"We're not together."

"Oh. It's just... It kind of seemed like you were."

"Yeah, a lot of people get that impression, but we're really just friends. I do appreciate the support, though."

"Well you're not yelling at me in an elevator so I must be doing something right." He grinned.

"Sorry about that. That was... a rough day."

Derek smiled and said softly,

"I forgive you," and she could tell he was talking about more than just the elevator.

"You deserve to be happy, Addison. You really do. You're too hard on yourself, you know."

She nodded and they fell back into silence for a few minutes. Only this time it was considerably less awkward and after a while Derek said,

"We could have lunch or something, sometimes. You know, try to be friends?"

"Yeah, we could," she agreed. "I'd like that. But I think if you're going to try to be friends with me, then Mark should get another chance too. Okay?"

"Okay."

He smiled.

"So we're good?"

"Yeah. We're good."

Once I started writing this I realized that the scene I was talking about (the one that made me cry) didn't really fit in here. So I'm going to give it its own chapter.


Next time: The tear-jerker.


P.S. Review and tell me what you thought of the symbol. I'm not sure I'm a fan of it. In case you couldn't find it, it's in around the 34th paragraph. And it's really not that subtle so... yeah...