IMPORTANT! I didn't really mean to copy a piece of Asuka Kureru's most awesome fic HARRY POTTER CRACK FICLETS, but when I noticed that I included a situation that looked a LOT like one of hers, I did think to ask and make sure it was alright with her that I use it! So, if you read that fic, and you see something in here that looks a little familiar, no worries! And if you haven't read that fic, you are missing out on one of this site's funniest crossovers. Seriously, it beats mine hands down!

As you know, FANfiction is what it's called, yepyep.

"Okay, my loves, today we're going to expand on what we did during last class." Naruto's voice was as cheerful as ever as he grinned at his temporary students. Most of them winced in remembered pain, but there were a few notable exceptions.

Hermione, who'd grown up a muggle, had intensely enjoyed teaching her classmates where to hit someone so that it hurt. Harry, the only other muggle-raised wizard, had, unfortunately, been one of those children who knew that he'd be the one getting the blasting if he fought back, and so he hadn't. This had not endeared him to his teachers when they'd dragged it out of him, but the blonde had muttered something about 'repressed rage' and left it at that. It seemed like they had high hopes for him. The only other students to remain straight-faced were the three new additions to the class: Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle.

Sasuke had accepted their papers stoically but had raised an eyebrow when he noticed the animosity between Hermione's group and Malfoy's. (Hermione was the only student Sasuke was willing to acknowledge just yet, no matter what Naruto thought about the scarred boy.)

"We'll do a short warm-up when we get to where we're going. For today's lesson, the wide space we've been given is actually to our disadvantage. Actually, we'll be moving around a lot during our lessons, so don't expect to find us here if you're ever late for class!"

Hermione couldn't help but grin at the thought of anyone coming to this class late. It would have to be a very brave soul. She glanced at the newcomers out of the corner of her eye, noting the dull expressions on Crabbe and Goyle's faces and the slightly suspicious one on Malfoy's. She briefly wondered if Naruto would let her pair off with the younger blonde today before deciding that yes, her teacher liked her enough to do so. It was good to have friends in high places.

"Oi, dobe, stop talking at them and let's go. You can explain as we walk." Sasuke rolled his eyes before turning on his heel and heading down towards…Hermione blinked. Were they heading towards the Forbidden Forest?

"Um, we're going to the forbidden forest for today's class?"

Hermione walked at the front of the group with Naruto. The other students quickened their pace as Sasuke--who was a few meters ahead--glanced over his shoulder at them. Soon enough, Malfoy and his cronies were at the back of the group, uncertain as to why everyone else seemed eager to please these young teachers.

"Don't worry, he's not as stupid as he looks. We're just going to the edge of the forest today." Sasuke called over his shoulder. He then proceeded to dodge the rock Naruto threw at him without even turning around.

"Teme. You're fee to give input about what we're teaching, you know! Do I have to do everything myself?"

"Dobe, this is stuff our Academy teachers didn't even bother to teach us. We learned along the way; I don't see why they should be any different."

"Because, teme, they hired us to teach them. Besides, we 'learned along the way,' as you put it, during sparring sessions with people we could trust. These kids are being thrown into it with even less preparation than we had."

"Speak for yourself, dead-last. I didn't trust anybody."

"Oi, idiot, I was talking about Kakashi, Sakura, and me, not your psycho of a brother. I know you trusted us not to kill you."

"Dobe."

By this point, the group had reached the edge of the forest and Sasuke was leaning against a nearby tree. Hermione watched her teachers with unconcealed interest, though she absently noted the unease with which the other students--particularly Malfoy--were examining their surroundings.

"Um, anyway, Naruto-sensei, what are we doing today?" The girl interjected, figuring that she'd get the information about her dark-haired teacher's past eventually anyway. It would be more fun to know if the rest of the class hear it at the same time.

Sasuke turned his head a bit to hide his smirk. He always knew exactly what buttons to push to annoy Naruto. So what if Naruto knew the same things about him? It was still fun to try to get the best of the other man.

"Listen up, kiddies! No sharp objects today, and try not to break any bones. Spread out in pairs; pick someone you aren't going to be sleeping near. That means no house-mates if you can help it." Naruto tried to look stern, but the ever-present smile on his face simply made him look insane.

"Today, I want you to use your surroundings. Keep within hearing distance of Sasuke and me. Hermione, my sweet, do you think you could work with blondie over there?" Naruto winked.

"Why, of course, Naruto-sensei!"

Malfoy had been feeling uneasy since he's seen the strange teachers, but by now it was bordering on panic. What was going on? He'd missed two classes because of a scheduling mistake, but this was still Defense Against the Dark Arts, right? And the way Granger was smiling so happily at the older blond was not helping.

"Why do I have to be stuck with that mud-blood?!" Malfoy was nervous enough to almost completely miss the way the dark-haired man quietly indicated that Neville should pair up with Goyle and Harry with Crabbe. Ron was off with some Ravenclaw girl.

"Because I said so, blondie." Naruto didn't know exactly what a mud-blood was, but he knew an insult when he heard it. He'd had lots of practice. Staring down at the boy, the ninja couldn't help but notice something.

"Oi, blondie, do you have any relatives in criminal organizations?"

Malfoy's eyes widened as Hermione stifled her giggles.

"W-what?! Of course not! My family is one of the oldest--" Naruto cut him off.

"Right, right, I'm sure. Oi, Sasuke, you remember that dude I told you about? The Akatsuki member who killed Asuma a few years back?"

The dark-haired ninja nodded but kept his eyes on the sparring students. Ooh, that Neville kid had just beaned the larger boy in the head with a fist-sized rock. Another one with suppressed rage, huh?

"This kid looks exactly like him! Well, his hair is more yellow than silver, but I swear! It's freaky how much alike they look!"

Malfoy had to remember to close his mouth, because leaving it gaping open like that went against the few manners that his mother had taught him.

Hermione frowned. "He killed your friend? What happened to him?"

Naruto's grin finally left his face, only to be replaced with an angry scowl. "Wasn't really our friend, he was our friend's teacher. Taught me some stuff too. He was an okay guy. But anyway, Shikamaru--his student--took care of the bad guy."

The girl, noting the green tinge on her sparring partner's face, decided that it would be worth it to ask for a few more details.

"Took care of him? Something you could teach us?"

Naruto shook his head.

"Nah, Shikamaru's family has some abilities that no one outside the clan learns. Besides, I was fighting the dude's partner at the time, so I never actually saw the fight. Dude who looked like the kiddo here claimed to be immortal or something like that, so Shikamaru cut off his head and buried it. Or something like that. Again, I was too busy putting a hole in the other dude to notice much."

Hermione nodded casually, smirking inwardly at Malfoy's face. She knew enough of her teachers by now--she'd taken to coming to class early and leaving late, since she had the time--to know that Naruto was doing the same thing.

"Ah, well, that's interesting, but if I can't learn it, I guess it's no use to me!"

Now thoroughly freaked out, Malfoy looked for his large and intimidating goons. His eyes nearly popped out when he noticed Neville sitting on Goyle's stomach and bouncing cheerfully. The larger boy was barely conscious and with each bounce his breath caught and he coughed. Crabbe seemed to be doing no better, as Harry had somehow managed to get him into the middle of a thorn bush. He was squealing quite loudly, but it was quiet compared to the smaller boy's laughter.

The blond wizard turned back to his opponent, realizing that the ten minutes it had taken for them to talk to the teachers would be made up for in pain. His pain.

"Oi! Hermione, Harry, someone! Help!" The entire class stopped what they were doing to stare at Ron. It was hard to understand how it had come about, but the Ravenclaw girl had managed to tie him to a tree.

"How'd you manage that?" Neville asked curiously, still bouncing. The Ravenclaw girl simply shrugged.

"I pretended to cry. He didn't notice that I did the same thing to my partner last week." She scoffed. "Stupid boys."

Naruto's manic grin was back in full force.

"Hey, Sasuke-teme, is it just me or are the girls totally kicking butt at this?"

Sasuke nodded.

"They grew up with magic in a pretty peaceful time. But no matter how peaceful a society is, there are more dangers for girls. And magic won't be much help if you're grabbed from behind. So, since they weren't training to fight, of course the guys are gonna get whupped by the girls. Girls should always learn to defend themselves."

"My parents wouldn't send me to classes, but I read books on martial arts and self-defense. Plus, I watched loads of movies when I was younger, and I always preferred fighting movies to romances." Hermione said mischievously.

"Add to that the fact that I always had the highest scores in my schools, and you can guess that I had more than one occasion to practice the things I learned from books and movies. The teachers never believed the bullies when they claimed that I beat them up." She giggled, making Malfoy take a step backwards.

Naruto patted her head. "It's hard being brilliant, isn't it?"

"Dobe, you had the lowest grades in every class, and you only graduated because you beat up your teacher."

"Eheheh…" The entire class stared at the blond ninja once more. Most looked stunned, but a couple had calculating looks in their eyes.

"Before anyone gets any ideas, the teacher was betraying our village, trying to kill another teacher and me, and I used the technique I'd needed to pass the exam to beat him up!" Naruto shot his companion a dirty look.

"Darn it, Sasuke-teme, do you really want to be fending off kids wherever we go? Aren't the fangirls enough for you? You need more attention?!"

"Maybe he needs a hug, Naruto-sensei!" One of the girls called out from the back of the group.

"Feel free to try!" Naruto shot back without looking.

"Um, Professor Naruto-sensei, sir…?" This voice was much more unsure, and Hermione was surprised to realize that it belonged to one of the Slytherin students. He pointed shakily to the deeper part of the forest.

Lined up neatly in a half-circle around the group was what looked like every semi-sentient four-legged creature in the forest. They stared silently at the class, from the smallest pooka--spirits of wild animals that warned of danger--to the tallest unicorn. The fully sentient creatures--the centaurs, and others like them, who thought like humans--weren't in attendance, and nor--to Ron's relief--were there any signs of eight-legged creatures.

As soon as they had everyone's attention, the animals moved in a bit closer. Uneasily, the class drew in. Naruto and Sasuke glanced at each other before turning to Hermione.

"Those are magical animals, right? Are any of them known for being dangerous?"

The girl stared ahead, silently listing each animal and it's characteristics. Pookas, unicorns, flying squirrels, vanishing cats…

"Um, none that I can see. Hagrid would know better, but I think all of those ones are pretty tame."

Something growled.

"I mean, friendly towards humans. I absolutely did not mean tame as in like pets."

The two men shared another glance before Sasuke cautiously stepped forward to offer his hand to a big, white, horned horse. It sniffed him then rubbed its nose against his palm.

"Um…"

The dark-haired man glanced at the girl again. "Yes?"

Malfoy snickered, nudging Goyle--who was still on the ground--with his foot.

"Unicorns…aren't usually so friendly, Sasuke-sensei."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes, wondering what the girl was talking about.

"You just said that they were."

"What I meant was…"

Malfoy felt that now was the perfect time to get one up on his new teacher.

"Unicorns only let virgins pet them! Anyone else, they'll run through with that horn!" He announced gleefully. Hermione nodded, embarrassed, and the rest of the class found somewhere else to look.

"Hahah! So, you're a virgin Sasuke?" Naruto's expression was eerily similar to Malfoy's as he, too, casually stepped closer to the animals.

"Dobe, I know that you're a virgin, so why are you bothering me about it?" Sasuke rolled his eyes again.

"Because, teme, you always had people following you around! Literally!"

"Yeah, and so what? At least I'm still a virgin by choice, moron." Sasuke smirked as Naruto joined him in showering attention on the unicorn.

"Hey, hey! Did you forget that I spent over two years traveling around with the biggest pervert in existence?! With the people he interviewed for his sick books, I could have gotten laid anytime I wanted!"

"Sasuke-sensei and Naruto-sensei could solve this problem together!" Called out the same girl who'd previously suggested hugging. Sasuke twitched, but again, Naruto didn't even turn around to answer. Judging by his voice, Hermione was almost thankful he was still facing the other way.

"Hey, look, a bird!" And he waved a finger at the back of the class. Of course, this simply made the girl giggle, and he vowed to figure out who exactly she was.

Naruto's indigence didn't really suit the subject, but by this point, Hermione was too amused to care. Stepping forward, she scratched another unicorn behind it's ears before leaning down to pet a flying squirrel. It scampered up her arm before hopping up and flying around her head.

The boys in the class seemed to find the conversation highly entertaining, judging by the snickers.

Slowly, the students spread out, offering their hands for inspection before petting their chosen animals. Naruto glared down at the ground as he continued stroking the magical horse. Suddenly, he grinned, and, knowing that she'd enjoy whatever was coming, Hermione joined him.

"Okay, kiddos, since you seem to be so curious about this subject, let's have an impromptu lesson! You can beat each other up some more later!"

His eyes gleamed as he stared at Malfoy.

"Blondie, come here."

Still unaware of the true evil that inhabited his teacher, the boy shrugged and walked up to him.

"Pet him." Malfoy's eyes widened to a ridiculous size, and Hermione started cackling.

"W-what?!"

"You heard me. Don't worry, I won't let him hurt you. They'd probably make me pay for the medicine or whatever you guys use. Of course, that's assuming he'll hurt you, right?" Naruto winked.

Gulping and glancing around in embarrassment, Malfoy stretched his hand forward and hurriedly tapped the unicorns side. The animal stood complacent, to everyone else's amusement. Of course, that amusement died rather quickly once they realized that Naruto was having all of them go up and touch the unicorn.

The unicorn allowed all but two students in the class to touch him, and the two who hadn't been allowed had been warned by his snorting and agitation so they didn't get impaled. Hermione, perfectly content with her virginal state grew more gleeful with each red face. Of the boys, only Neville seemed okay with letting everyone know his status. He actually remained by the unicorn's side and continued petting it while the others took their turns.

"Now, I said 'impromptu lesson,' and I didn't mean just a lesson in embarrassment. Your school seems to have some funny ideas about what they need to teach you. Did they ever go over Sex Ed. with you guys?" Even Sasuke and Hermione looked mortified at this. Was Naruto really going to do this?

Noticing the looks he was getting, Naruto laughed.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to go into any freaky details or anything like that! If you guys have reached this age without knowing anything, then there's nothing I can do to help you."

Quickly and nonchalantly, Naruto went over the basics of sex, both heterosexual and homosexual. Sasuke was surprised to note that the other man, once the unicorns were settled down, didn't go out of his way to embarrass anyone. His explanations were clear, concise, and, as far as Sasuke understood, accurate. The blond man ended with a warning about safe sex, and offered confidential advice to anyone who wanted it.

Of course, this was when Hermione just had to raise her hand.

"Naruto-sensei, how do you know so much about girls?"

Sasuke would have slapped his forehead, if that was the sort of thing Uchiha's did. Purposefully, he turned his attention to the cat in his lap.

"Sexy-no-jutsu!"

He knew that was coming. The dark-haired boy ignored the entire situation--including the horrified sounds from his students--and concentrated on petting the fading cat. As it relaxed, it slowly began to blend in with his outfit, until the only thing he could see of it was a single fang hanging over an invisible lip.

A poof, and Naruto--male and dressed--was back.

"Any more questions?"

The silence only lasted a moment before Hermione felt the need to raise her hand again. Sasuke almost laughed at the glares she was getting from the other students.

"Naruto-sensei, why did these animals come out to greet you?" Sasuke had wondered why it had taken her so long to get around to that question.

Naruto's grin turned even more mischievous.

"Good question, Hermione! You really want to know?"

The girl nodded. She'd figured out right away that the animals were there to greet Naruto but hadn't been able to figure out why, even though she'd spent the entire lecture thinking about it in the back of her mind.

"Well…It's a long story, but basically, there's a strong animal spirit--a demon, if you will--sealed inside of me. Normal animals don't react, but I guess since these guys are magical…"

Sasuke stared at his friend in shock. He'd expected some waffling and perhaps a comment about 'special blood' or something. He hadn't expected the blond man to tell these children the truth. He'd never even told Sasuke the truth! (Which, of course, had led to all sorts of problems because of Sasuke's inferiority complex, but the dark-haired boy didn't like to think about that time in his life if he could help it.)

"Dobe."

Naruto's glance flew to his partner, understanding the other man's surprise. With a small shake of his head, he indicated that he'd explain why he'd told the truth later.

"Okay, well, now, class is just about over. We'll be practicing here again next time." With that, the students began to disperse, except, obviously, for Hermione, who still had a flying squirrel nestled underneath her hair.

"Hermione, actually, I'd like your help with the next class. Do you have some free time this weekend?" Naruto looked at his student expectantly, already knowing her answer.

"Of course, Naruto-sensei. You know how much I adore helping out." The teenager grinned rather maliciously as she gently pulled the small animal from her hair.

"Good." It was Sasuke who answered. "We'll need someone to show us around the village."

The animals headed back to their homes as the three humans smirked at each other.

Teaching was so much fun, Naruto reflected. He didn't know why Kakashi had disliked it so much.

Grinning, he swung one arm over Sasuke's shoulder and the other over Hermione's, turning them back towards the castle. Hermione smiled and peeked over to see Sasuke's reaction. Interestingly enough, he hadn't thrown the arm off, and, in fact, there seemed to be a slight blush on the pale man's face. Her smile widened as she realized the meaning of the blush.

Naruto, completely unaware, talked about his plans for the next class the entire way back to the castle.