a/n: (ducks and cowers) I know, I know! It's been forever. Literally. But things have come up and life's been craaaazy. I'll leave it at that and hope that you all still review, even if it is to yell at me...

Disclaimer: (tear) Kenshin doesn't live in my closet and I can't pull him out to be my body slave whenever I want him to...

Exchange
Chapter 18: Understanding

Kaoru sighed and rubbed at the pressure building in her temples. It had been close to twenty-four hours since their talk. She'd avoided thinking about it for as long as she could, but it was inescapable now. Was she faking?

She frowned, tossing the thought around. Yes, she had affection for Kenshin. No, she didn't want to see him get hurt. Yes, she wanted him to be happy.

But she wasn't sure she was ready to put her race on the line just for him. She knew it would devastate him if she were to leave and she didn't want it to come to that.

She looked towards where he was cooking in the kitchen. He had a bright smile on his face and he was humming under his breath. A smile worked it's way up to her own lips. She couldn't help it. The fact that it was her that had put a smile on his face made her happy beyond belief. And it scared her. She didn't want to be the one to make him smile. And yet she did. She was confusing herself again.

She started her routine morning stretches while her thoughts continued to wander around in circles. She was supposed to pretend to love him. Was she pretending? She frowned at the thought. She didn't really know anymore.

The smile that appeared when he smiled wasn't fake. The irritation he caused her was definitely real. The way her heart fluttered when he touched her had to be genuine. And the way her mind shut down when he kissed her…

A fierce blush worked it's way to her cheeks. She'd been in her fair share of sexual relationships before, but never had a single kiss made her so dizzy with the anticipation of more. He was an enigma. Everything she learned only made her want to know more about him. He was special. He was different.

"Kaoru?" Kenshin asked, coming into the living room. "Breakfast is ready."

She nodded, completed one last lingering stretch and then got up to join him at the table. Ever since their confessions, it had been tense. Conversation had been little and eye contact had been even littler. It was wearing on her nerves.

They ate in nerve racking silence before she sighed out loud just to break it. She couldn't take it anymore. Quiet didn't usually bother her, but there was something about his lack of voice that was driving her crazy. It was like… thick silence. It didn't feel right.

He looked up at her as she sighed with a question in his eyes. She merely waved him off, understanding that he didn't comprehend her issue with the silence. She finished eating and softly excused herself to the bathroom in order to shower.

When the door shut behind her, Kenshin sighed. Things were awkward now. As much he liked to think they'd worked things out to have their happily ever after, he couldn't quite accept it. She was distancing herself mentally, he could feel it. She got lost in her own thoughts and she wouldn't let him in.

He wanted to understand. He wanted her to talk to him. He wanted her to share her musings with him. He wanted… her. Shaking his head, he started cleaning up the kitchen. He would figure her out eventually.

Even if it took him an eternity.

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By the time she climbed out of the shower, her skin was glowing a faint red from the heat of the water. She felt better than she had when she'd gotten in for the heat had cleared her mind, letting her think more easily.

Kenshin was sitting on the couch with his eyes shut when she came into the living room. She padded across the floor and took a seat right next to him. His eyes opened as soon as she sat and he smiled at her.

His hand came up to brush against the soft skin of her cheek. "Is everything all right?"

She inclined her head and leaned into his touch. "Fine."

He withdrew his hand and turned to look at her better. "You don't seem fine."

"I am," she insisted, but the words were cold. Distant.

"Kaoru," he pleaded, "stop lying to me. What's wrong?"

She sighed. "Kenshin, nothing is wrong."

"Something is bothering you."

"Kenshin, it's nothing! Things are just…"

"Not what you expected?"

"Kenshin, you…"

"I what? Open up."

"I can't choose, Kenshin," she admitted softly, although it wasn't what she had meant to say. "You or my people. I can't choose…"

His arms wrapped around her. "Oh Kaoru, I'm not making you choose. Your people are your life. I understand that," he told her gently.

Her heart swelled. He understood. She didn't want to tell him that it was him she wanted. She didn't want him to understand her. A part of her needed him to hate her for not being able to choose. But another part of her rejoiced that he understood her and was willing to stand by her.

She buried her face in his chest. His fingers ran through her hair and her head ran in circles. She couldn't comprehend anything anymore. She hadn't talked to anyone of her own kind in so long… That's what she needed. She needed contact. She needed reassurance from someone she trusted.

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Kenshin had some errands to run later in the day and before he left he placed a lingering kiss on her lips that had her smiling a dazed smile. He had left the apartment before she even realized he was gone. She shook her head sadly. She was just so confused. Megumi would be able to help her.

So she carefully went through all the steps required to make contact with her and ensure their conversation would stay private. Megumi's face lit up the second she saw her.

"Oh Kaoru! I've missed you," she admitted. Then she frowned. "Something's wrong," she stated.

Kaoru let out a watery laugh. "You've always been able to read me no matter how good I am at hiding. Yes. I have a problem."

"Talk," she commanded gently. "I'm listening."

She quietly explained everything that had happened over the last few days. Everything. Her charade, her doubts, her deceit, his actions, his eyes… All of him.

"Oh Megumi," she sighed. "I just don't know what I'm going to do…"

"It sounds to me like you really do love him," she said, smiling.

Kaoru shot her an offended look. "Are you serious? He's caring. That's about it…"

"Kaoru," she scolded. "I was listening to everything that you said to me. And it sounded a lot like love. I've experience it. I've been where you are."

Her eyes softened. "Yes… You understand. But I… I'm so confused!" She'd been saying that so much lately. That's all he did to her. He confused her. So much.

Megumi nodded. "It's okay to be confused. Just go with it. It'll all sort itself out. If he really loves you as much as you say… He'll catch on and try to help."

Kaoru stared at her hopefully. "I hope you're right, Megumi… For his sake, I hope you're right.."

She smiled again. "I am. Don't worry about it so much. I'm always here for you, Kaoru."

She smiled back. "Yes. I know. I miss you. I'll be in touch."

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Kaoru was asleep on the couch when Kenshin returned. Her conversation with Megumi had left her tired. She hadn't wanted to think about all the things she'd said. She hadn't wanted to think about it. So she settled on the couch, intending to watch the fire flicker and she found herself asleep before she realized it.

A tender smile worked its way up to Kenshin's lips as he took in her sprawled out form. He brushed her bangs out of her eyes fondly. His fingers strayed to her cheeks and he carefully stroked the smoothness of her skin.

She sighed in her sleep and his smile grew. He lifted her legs easily and sat on the couch, letting her legs lay on his thighs. He hummed contentedly as she stretched out lazily and breathed his name in recognition. His fingers absently smoothed the skin left exposed by the material of her shorts.

It didn't take her long to wake up after that. She yawned and attempted to stretch out even more, but her action was prevented by Kenshin's hands. She shot him a glance that told him to take his hands off. He promptly removed them, but a smirk still tugged at his lips.

She sat up with a sigh before turning to him. "Welcome back."

"That's not how you welcome someone home," he chided, pulling her into his arms so that her hands were fisted on his chest. "You have to do it like this."

His lips fell upon hers and she almost panicked. She couldn't do anything coherent when he did that. And she wanted to think about what he did to her. But that was just it. He made it impossible to analyze. She was forced to ride out the emotions as she experienced them.

A whimper fell from her lips as his tongue found it's way into the moist cavern of her mouth. Her own tongue tangled with his sweetly as he made love to her mouth. His hands began wandering from the nape of her neck and the hair that was their down to her small waist. Her own hands had worked free from the confines of his chest to bury themselves into the river of red silk that was his hair.

They fell back onto the couch with Kaoru on the bottom, but neither of them seemed to care. He broke the kiss to let her breath while he dusted kisses down her neck and to her collarbone. Noises were falling from her lips without her permission and her hands had started dancing down his back to pull his shirt from his pants, desperate to feel his flesh under her palms.

"Kaoru," he murmured breathlessly in between kisses, "I… I love you so much…"

"Mmm," she answered vaguely.

His lips moved back up her neck towards her lips. He wanted an answer this time. To his proclamation. She still hadn't said that she loved him… But it was impossible for her to think… She was kissing him back just as fiercely as he was kissing her, but she wanted more and it confused her.

When their mouths parted she moaned softly. "Kenshin… I… I love you, too!" she muttered quietly, kissing the top of his head as his mouth migrated south again.

He stopped once her words registered though. He lifted his head from her chest to stare at her with burning amber eyes. The intensity of those eyes bore into her and she shuddered, finding it hard to breath. Words started tumbling from her mouth before she knew what she was saying. Whispered confessions about her confusion and her suspicions, and most of all, her affection.

He held onto her tightly, holding her to him, murmuring the same three words back to her repeatedly as she cried. She didn't know what to do anymore. She was giving in. It wasn't simply an act anymore. He'd broken her defenses down and that scared her. A lot.

She twined her fingers into his shirt, seeking comfort. She didn't know what to think anymore. Thoughts of her people ran through her head, but they were secondary. It scared her. They weren't as important to her as the emotions running rampant through her right now. They took a back seat.

They stayed like that, just holding each other on the couch as the fire burned in front of them until they fell asleep in one another's arms.