Chapter Three: Cheerleaders and Crosses…

TS (spoken):
Oh, Lady of the Lake, please reveal to this doubting Dennis that you are real.

(Cue the mysterious music as MINA HARKER and her band of LADIES 'rise' out of the lake. GRAY is stunned)

DG (spoken):
Cor! Blimey!

(SAWYER glances at him with a raised eyebrow)

LADIES:
Ahhhhh... etc.

MH:
Come with me,
Come with me.
Come with me
Sweet Galahad.

(She looks at Gray, seeming a bit unhappy with the situation. GRAY is thoroughly enchanted.)
You'll be a man,
Join Arthur's clan.
Come with me,
And I will make you glad.

Galahad,
Sweet Galahad,
Be a knight, it's time to take your vow.
If you come with me now,
I'll show you how.

DG:
Oh wow!

(They disappear into the reeds, MINA looking as if she wished she were anywhere but with Gray)

TS (spoken, with a truly evil grin on his face):
Stand aside, Mrs. Galahad, while the Lady of the Lake
and her Laker Girls welcome your son to MY army!

(DARIA, dressed as Arthur's squire Patsy, runs on-stage blowing a whistle to a marching beat, rather like one would hear at a high school football game. Mina's LADIES all charge forward in a rush. As they come into the light, it becomes apparent that they are wearing cheerleader outfits.)

TS (In a grand parade voice):

I am Arthur, King of the Britons,
And we're seeking men who are able.
And so we're recruiting Dennis
To sit at our very, very, very round table!
(The LAKERS start clapping)

Ready?

LGs (beginning to perform a complicated cheerleading routine):
OK!
(Chanting) K.I.N.
G.A.R.
T.H.
U.R. Arthur!
K.I.N.
G.A.R.
T.H.
U.R. Arthur!
Arthur King!
Arthur King!
The biggest and the coolest thing!

TS:
Who's the King?

LGs:
You are!.

TS:
Who's the King?

LGs:
You are!
A.R.T.H.U.R. Arthur!

(DARIA blows the whistle)
Who is next to enlist?
Dennis!
Dennis!

DN:
Who is?

LGs and DN:
Dennis!
The Lady of the Lake will make him a man!
If she can't do it- nobody can!

MH (from off-stage): I heard that!
DG (Also off-stage): Hey!

TS and DN:
Who will he be?

LG's:
G.A.L.A.H.A.D.
G…A...L…A…H…A…

Slightly slower Laker: D!

(The Laker Girls, Sawyer, and Daria troop off stage left. From the center of the stage, GRAY and MINA rise up on one of those nifty platform thingies as mystic music plays. GRAY is totally transformed- no longer the peasant Dennis, he now wears a white tunic. The shield he carries is also white, with a big red cross on it.)

DG:

Once in every show,
There comes a song like this.
It starts off soft and low,
And ends up with a kiss.
Oh where is the song
That goes like this?

(He looks around for the song)
Where is it? Where? Where?

(MINA steps forward)
MH:

A sentimental song,
That casts a magic spell.
They all will hum along.
We'll overact like hell!
Oh this is the song that goes like this.

DG:

Yes it is!

MH:

Yes it is!

DG:

Yes it is!

MH:

Yes it is!

(Unbeknownst to Gray, and for that matter, Mariah, SAWYER has been watching from the wings, and is less then happy at seeing Gray with Mina. As MINA sings her lines, he rushes on stage and shoves GRAY out of the way. The shield goes flying.)

TS:

Now we can go straight
Into the middle eight!
A bridge that is too far for me!

MH (turning to SAWYER with a pleased expression):

I'll sing it in your face,
While we both embrace.

(They embrace)
And then,
We change
The key!

(GRAY, not to be pushed out by the younger League member, marches back to them and yanks SAWYER out of Mina's grasp)

DG (Very squeakily):

Now we're into E!
hem That's awfully high for me.

MH (mildly irritated that Gray is back):

But everyone can see
We should have stayed in D.

BOTH:

For this is our song that goes like this!

DG (smugly):

I'm feeling very proud!

MH (glaring at GRAY):

You're singing far too loud!

(SAWYER kicks GRAY in the shin and comes back to stand very close to MINA)
TS:

That's the way that this song goes.

MH (now glaring at SAWYER, who is standing on her foot):

You're standing on my toes.

(SAWYER steps back)
BOTH:

Singing our song that goes like this!

MH:

I can't believe there's more!

(GRAY wraps both arms around SAWYER's waist and tries to haul him bodily away)
DG (gasping):

It's far too long, I'm sure.

MH:

That's the trouble with this song-
It goes on and on and on!

BOTH:

For this is our song that is too long!
(SAWYER tackles GRAY. They go sprawling to the floor.)

DG:

Jesuschristgoddamnit-!

MH (ignoring the two):

We'll be singing this 'til dawn!

DG (More to Sawyer than to anyone else):

You'll wish that you weren't born!

MH:

Let's stop this damn refrain!

(SAWYER whacks GRAY in the head and runs over to MINA)
BOTH:

Before we go insane!

The song always ends like this!

(Their last note is so high-pitched that something made of glass breaks. They embrace. GRAY glares and stomps off-stage.)