Edge

I reach over and turn the stereo down as the song cycles again. It had been a hard week for me, with the first two days being the most difficult. When I had first been told of Chris' death, I had lost it. He was one of the few people I could confide in when I had a problem. After my promo I had gone into my dressing room and cried like I hadn't cried in a long time.

I barely remember the rest of the night, as I had to be helped back to my hotel. I couldn't drive and I couldn't comprehend the fact that Chris was just not coming back. I had raided the mini bar and had basically drunk myself to sleep.

The next day was even harder as I had to pull myself together. I was Smackdown's champion and even though I wanted to fall apart, I couldn't. By the time the tapings rolled around I was pretty good at hiding how I felt.

I heard the news reports and was stunned. I thought of all the times I had traveled with him and I wonder why he didn't come to me if he needed help. All he had to do was pick up the phone and I would have been there for him.

That hurt that he didn't. If he had only taken that one step. If only he had reached out. I tortured myself that week with 'if onlys' and 'what ifs' until I couldn't take it any more. I stopped watching the news and listening to the reports.

I was angry now. During the day I hid it well, making the most of my day by going to the gym and working out most of my anger or staying around to greet fans when I could. Vince had us stay in town as he was going to make up to the fans for canceling the show that Monday night. It gave me a lot of free time that I didn't really need.

At night it was the same; the routine never changed. I would get into my room and put on the CD I had bought at the small record shop. It hadn't been easy to find the CD but using my influence, I had managed to secure a copy. Finger Eleven's CD was now one of the most sought after CD's in Corpus Christi. So I would put the CD in the small boom box I had bought and forward it to the one song that I would set to repeat. One Thing. It's the only song on the CD that I would listen to.

It's the only time during the entire day that I would acknowledge what had happened. Every night for a week as I had watched the reports roll in. Every night except the one that I wrestled for Smackdown.

People deal with their grief in their own ways. In this case it was hard to deal with as everyone just wanted to forget that Chris even existed. I couldn't do that. No matter what he had been accused of doing, I just could not turn my back on his memory. So I would put on my CD, turn the lights down low and let it cycle. Music has always been a big part of my life and it was also an escape of sorts.

Sometimes it would make me cry. Mostly it made me forget my anger and try to focus on the Chris I knew, inside and outside the ring. I had been asked to hang out with some of the guys after the show, but I had refused, knowing I wouldn't be good company to hang out with. I just needed time to grieve.

I also needed someone to talk to, but the one person I used to confide in was the source of my anger as he was gone. So was Eddie. That left only one other person and I wasn't sure if she would be up to talking to me.

Thursday I had picked up the phone and almost dialed her number. I actually got halfway through it before hanging up. I hadn't called her in months. I hung up the phone and went back to listening to the song.

By Sunday, I couldn't take it any longer. I needed to have comfort from someone. I knew I was torturing myself. I just had to swallow my pride and reach out. It was this thought that changed my mind. If Chris had just reached out... I sigh and pick up the phone after turning the CD down.

I dial her number and wait when the phone rings. She picks it up with a quiet, "Hello?"

"Lita? It's Adam. I need to talk..."