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9. What came over him?
Seated in the cockpit of the sleek, silver cruiser, Darth Vader tried to understand why he had felt the need to… what was it that he had done? Reveal a part of himself to her? He couldn't discern why he had said so much to her.
For the past 4 days Aurren Farr had perplexed him, so much so that he could not contact her immediately to inform her of their excursion but waited until the last possible minute when he could no longer procrastinate on it. Indeed, since their meeting in the Observatory in the wee hours of the morning 4 days ago, he hadn't been able to shake the apparent shame he felt by manipulating her in one of the basest forms by using a mind trick. He had actually felt shame, remorse, contrition, guilt, whatever you wanted to call it. He just couldn't fathom it, he had done that- and worse- to many others, and he never once felt as if he had done something wrong. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that his sudden and not at all censored words to the young woman were not just a means to comfort and calm her, but he truly meant it, not matter how backwards the statements came out… and he knew that she understood what he had intended.
At that thought, he stopped himself once more. 'I guess I did feel the need to comfort her… but why?'
He replayed his words to her in his mind. He had told her that he considered her a lady. He sensed her stun at that. She must not have ever considered herself a lady. But why shouldn't she? At 26, this young architect had accomplished more than most twice, even three times her age. He had researched the various bases and command centers she had developed, and was greatly impressed with the structures. She obviously had a strong understanding of technical devices and machinery that the vast majority of those who lived and worked at her bases lacked- but she had tackled that problem as well, manipulating each of the systems so that actual knowledge of how everything worked could be left to those who maintained the system, making it easy enough for the all brawn and little brain staff to work easily.
He had great admiration her depth of technical knowledge. He recalled the excitement he had gotten when he began to read through the security dossier she had prepared for him. He knew there was no way she would know that he was technically inclined as she prepared the document for him, and he appreciated that she had both tried to explain the systems in layman's terms without dumbing it down, as well as included all the highly difficult specifications detailing all of the aspects of each system. He found it highly respectful. She was definitely a lady, with all of the intelligence, grace, respect and… and even beauty that a lady should have.
She had impressed him.
He sighed deeply and leaned back into the chair, closing his eyes, wishing that he could remove his abominable mask. No, how had she put it… oh yes…"horrible mask."
The young lord seethed for a moment over the disguise. He had not questioned it when his master had first placed this mask over his head. At the time, when the galaxy was in shock over the fall of the Jedi, the rise of the empire, and all of the sudden drastic changes, he believed it to be a good idea. He had a hard enough time looking into the mirror and encountering the face of Anakin Skywalker. He was no longer that man. But now, he had grown tired of it. Now he was Darth Vader, and Vader was the towering, feared, black masked man he was right now…or was he?
He knew it was hopeless to try to conceive a way to rid himself of his ruse. He knew that the majority of the galaxy feared the empire, but knew as well that they also had a hard time believing that the Jedi- those who pledged their lives and their gifts selflessly to protect them- had deserved the declaration that they were traitors or their calculated extermination.
A memory of an epic fight with his one time master- and hero- Obi-Wan Kenobi flashed before his eyes. The way they fought each other amidst the flames and lava on Mustafar. How their battle was more like an intricate dance, each of them refusing to give any ground, but also refusing to strike the other down. The way he deceived his old master, making him believe that he had plunged to a harrowing death in a fiery pit. He could hear the pain in Obi-Wan's voice as he screamed… no, cried in anguish to the pit below.
"You were my brother Anakin! I LOVED you!"
…The way he had smiled as he gripped tightly to the rocks in the crevice he had concealed himself in as Obi-Wan suffered on the cliff above. The way he felt the darkness swirl around him as Obi-Wan cried unabashedly for his former padawan. The way he felt not a drop of remorse for anyone, they had all turned their back on him, they had lied to him, they had not trusted him, and for all of his power-they never really believed he was "The Chosen One."
'Except for maybe Obi-Wan,' Vader thought distantly.
He pulled himself from that train of thought. 'Except for Obi-Wan?' It was the very first time since accepting Emperor Palpatine -Darth Sidious as his new master that Vader had let a notion like that cross his mind. 'No' he thought distantly, "Obi-Wan turned his back on me… Obi-Wan knew about Padme-knew what she had done and he was on her side… Obi-Wan could have supported me when I told him that I didn't want to spy on Palpatine… Obi-Wan…"
A voice he didn't recognize as his own whispered in the back of his mind, "but Palpatine was the Sith…"
He felt his blood begin to boil and run like fire through his veins. Standing suddenly, he forced back his previous thoughts and released his self-pity as he let his anger rage through him.
He checked the controls distractedly to make sure everything was functioning properly and the ship was on the correct course then stormed out of the cockpit. Vader slowed his steps as he remembered that Aurren was on board… somewhere. He wondered where she was, what she was doing.
'I'm doing it again,' he thought. 'Why do I care what the girl is doing?'
Before he knew it, he had reached the back of the ship near the sleeping quarters. He stood at the end of the hall between two doorways. On his left were his private quarters, which could only be opened by code. On his right was the room he had prepared for Aurren, and he could feel her sleeping inside.
He stood there, staring at the door as if he wished to murder it. He didn't want to go in there. But he couldn't help the overwhelming compulsion to do so anyway.
Ever since he was a child, he had never been one who had much self-control. If he felt the need to do something, no matter what it was, he did it. It was something Vader had struggled with since his days as a Jedi, but it was also something that had been nurtured and fed by the Sith.
A battle seemed to be raging inside his mind. One side of him was disgusted by his unwanted attraction and concern for the architect, a mere girl who worked for the empire- she worked for him! He should not be impressed and show her kindness simply because she had done as she was told. He was a SITH. He had no time, or need for the frivolity of tender feelings. The other side of him, also seemed to be driven by the Sith. It told him to take what he wanted, whatever it was, whenever he wanted it. And if he wanted the girl, then he would have her, no matter what she thought about it.
As this war was fought in his head, there was another voice, one that was small that seemed to come deep inside a part of his mind he had long forgot about, that made him think about her without him even realizing it. It made him concerned for her well being. It made him ashamed of his past behavior. It was what allowed him to speak those words to her in the cockpit. It was driving him crazy.
The young lord hadn't realized he had begun walking again until he found himself once more in the cockpit.
He slid into the seat and cleared his mind. Meditation was not something he really enjoyed or was even very good at, but it was better than any other alternative of what to do with his time. It dawned on him as he opened himself up, and waited for the warm, bright light to bathe him, that he hadn't meditated once, not once since he made that trip to Mustafar by order of his master 5 years ago.
On the long trip he felt like he was suffocating as the darkness enveloped him. He couldn't believe he had actually led a clone army into the temple and watched them destroy it. When the shocked Jedi engaged them, he saw the faces of people he knew. Though they could not identify him from under his black hood, they knew it was a Jedi by the ignited light saber. As the first one attacked him, he realized that he could not do this with his own hands. With a force push, he threw the knight across the room, then retreated to watch as the clones ruthlessly filled the air with blaster fire killing them all, even the younglings who cowered in the creche or slept in their cribs. He watched as if it were not real, and as the last one fell and the temple was consumed in flames, he returned to his master and told him that he had executed his command. He never told Palpatine that he did not take a single Jedi's life, and Palpatine never asked. He only looked to the swirling, crimson and gold clouds in his eyes to see that he had fulfilled his wish.
As the darkness and confusion and rage filled him, he attempted to meditate, but he simply could not find the light. He was desperate for it; as if being able to see it- touch it- feel it would make everything better. It never appeared. He felt as if the calm of the force had also turned his back on him, and in turn decided to turn his back on it, embracing the dark side.
That was the very last time. And now, here he was again, meditating… how had he forgotten that the light of the force had deserted him? How could he even begin to think that it might have returned to him… what was he…
And then suddenly, behind his eyelids, he felt a gradually building warmth breaking through the ice. He slowed his breathing instinctively and tuned his senses into that warmth. The warmth increased in intensity and his skin pebbled at the sensation. It began to pulse steadily, slowly, deliberately; and his body rhythms slowed to the same beat. Soon the darkness seemed to glow around him and then…
Darth Vader emerged into the light- and slipped into its soothing embrace like a child as it cradled him in its celestial arms.
He stayed there for a long time, lost and dumbstruck. He didn't question it. He didn't even think. He simply basked in the light and let it run through his core. He felt it ease his tension. He felt like he was somehow home.
He would have stayed there forever if he could have. Unfortunately, a far off beeping sound invaded his sanctuary. It gradually grew louder as the light began to fade, and the cold began to reclaim its ground from the warmth.
Snapping his eyes open, he realized the beeping was from the navigation system. They were nearing the end of hyperspace.
He took to the controls and disengaged the autopilot as Alderaan hovered in front of him, a glowing blue, green and white orb. From space, it looked like paradise.
Approaching the planet, he contacted the hanger at the private villa the empire had bought and established as his base of operations for this trip. He asked the staff if everything was prepared to his specifications, and if the hanger was ready for his arrival. He then ordered them to leave the compound. A staff was unnecessary. They were only needed to prepare the estate for his arrival. He had a virtual army of protocol and staff droids to take care of any of their needs.
Lord Vader landed the ship gently, expertly in the vast empty hanger. Powering down the ship, he set off to inform Miss Farr that they had arrived.
Reaching the door to her cabin, he felt her still inside, sleeping. He knocked lightly on the door. "Miss Farr, we have arrived on Alderaan." She didn't even stir. He knocked slightly louder, "Miss Farr… Miss Farr?" Nothing.
Slowly he entered the room, and saw her lying on top of the rich crimson silk comforter. She was lying on her side, curled in slightly, clutching a pillow tightly to her chest. Her hair was spread across the pillow, the warm natural light flooding into the hanger and then through the large window over the bed caused it to shimmer like gold. Even her skin was luminous in this pure sunlight and glistened as white and clean as pearls. He wanted to touch that skin that looked like satin, trail his fingers down the contour of her face until they reached those plush, plump, slightly parted, perfectly red lips. He wanted to…
Seating himself on the bed he continued to take her in, to view her in ways he hadn't yet been able to. The elegant arch of her neck. The pout of those lips. The way her tiny nose turned up just slightly at the end. Her delicate clavicle. The curve of her breasts, her waist, her hips, her legs…
Aurren stirred slightly, and the trance was broken. He felt her still deep in sleep, and could not bring himself to wake her like this. He felt like some sort of low-life, sitting here while she slept, staring at her body as if she was some form of meat and he was the hungry dog. It was wrong. It felt too personal, too intimate.
He rose gently so as not to stir her, and exited the room. He decided to wake her gently with the force, and once he felt her begin to come-to, knock on the door.
Inside, Aurren woke gently. She opened her eyes, only to have them assaulted by sunlight… glorious, beautiful sunlight. Then she realized where she was. On Vader's ship. On Alderaan. She shot up as she heard a light knock on the door, followed by a voice.
"Miss Farr, we have arrived on Alderaan."
She rose and smoothed down her clothing, then ran her fingers through her hair. It had somehow come down when she was sleeping. She glanced to the bed, and did not see the band she held her hair up with.
"Damn," she thought.
And then she heard the voice again, "Miss Farr?" There was something different about his voice, she thought, then replied, "Yes, my lord" as she opened the door.
The same masked man she had left with appeared in front of her, but something about his stance… his voice… his aura seemed different. Softer. As if something about the trip here took some of the edge off of him.
His first thought when he looked at her was that her hair was longer that he thought it was, and that she should really wear it down more often. Then he noticed the way she looked at him, her dark eyes wide with wonder, and snapped out of it.
"You look well rested, my lady" it rolled off his tongue so easily.
"Yes my lord, thank you," she replied, and he noticed a tinge of red dust her cheeks.
He offered her his arm in the same manner he did in his quarters on the star ship, this time without the hint of disgust in his voice. "Shall we, then?" he asked.
"Yes my lord, of course," was her only reply, but as he reached out and took her hand, guiding it around his arm, and then resting his other hand over hers, he felt her flesh pebble under his touch, as her nervousness rolled off of her in waves.
She felt a sudden sense of calm invade her, and she was relieved. Little did she know that the masked man that was guiding her off of the cruiser and towards one of the most beautiful villas she had ever seen was using the force to calm her.
"Here we are," he said, as they took the last step off of the ramp.
Aurren couldn't help but smile as she took it all in.
Vader couldn't help but notice her smile, as it seemed to fill him up, getting goosebumps himself. 'That is something else she should do more often,' he thought, 'smile,' as they casually strolled towards the house.
It seems our young sith lord has begun to see the light again...