PLEASE NOTE- RATING CHANGE!

13. Lord of Desperation

In the master's chambers, the fresher was slowly filling with steam as the shower ran empty. Lord Vader had spent no time ripping off his mask, cloak and gloves. He now paced back and forth in front of his vanity, his mind racing as he fumed. He needed to get control of himself!

He stripped the rest of the clothing from his body and got into the shower. Leaning his head against the wall, he tried to erase the image of the architect in that damned dress out of his head. The only problem was, the more he tried to get rid of it, the more the images grew and changed in his head. That green dress fit her so beautifully and it left barely anything to the imagination. In his mind, he could see the skirt pushed up to show more of her toned porcelain legs. The top of the dress was slowly pulled down to reveal perfect white breasts and rosy hard nipples. It fell to the floor and he imagined how she might look- standing before him nude… standing here in the shower with him…

It had been ages since Vader had found himself in the position he was now- not since he was a padawan. He glared at his erection and tried to will it to go away. When he was young, he would deal with it one of two ways- a cold shower after a hard workout, or take care of it with a few shameful strokes. He hadn't even had this problem in the past few years that he had sworn off all women. He didn't need this- or so he thought.

His mind was absolutely rapt with images. Pressing her against the shower wall and running his lips over every inch of that milky body as the hot water poured over her. Running his hands over her skin, finding her center with his fingertips and pressing into her until she moaned for him. His hand reached down to grasp his erection and began to stroke himself as his thoughts went further. In his mind he lifted her up and wrapped her legs around him, lowering her down onto his throbbing cock. He began to stroke harder as he pictured himself grinding into her unmercifully. He shut his eyes hard and pushed into his hand more furiously than he had ever had. He was desperate for release, and as the Aurren in his mind thrashed in ecstasy impaled on his cock he came hard and fast. So hard that he found himself on his knees in the shower, the water washing away the evidence of his shame.

Though physically sated- for now- he felt very empty. His mind was like it was shut down and his body was completely worn out. He was ashamed.

He quickly washed, got out of the shower and dried off. He needed sleep. No- he needed to stop being so weak. Leaving the fresher, he pulled on his sleep pants and slid between the cold soft sheets. He wished there were refuge for him and these unwanted feelings. And then he remembered the force.

When Vader awoke from his meditation on the way to Alderaan, he did not think about what his commune in the light had meant… but now as he sought sanctuary, his curiosity grew. He remembered how he felt as his eyes opened in the cockpit after meditating. It was as if he did not know he were filthy, and had been miraculously bathed clean. He felt lighter, calmer.

And then, he figured it out. The darkness… it was somehow… lessened. The swirl of the dark side of the force had been a constant companion of his for the past 5 years, but strange enough, as its presence in his life began to be moved backstage, he hardly noticed it until he thought about it. In fact, besides the demons that were haunting him over his lack of control, he felt like he had been released a heavy burden. He felt great.

But what did that mean? What did it mean that the force was admitting him refuge again? Would he be able to find it again? Would it speak to him?

He was almost lost in his desperation. His desperation to be in the warm light again. His desperation to be near Aurren Farr. His desperation to be in Aurren Farr.

So he decided- he would try to commune with the force again.

He pulled the covers up over his head and closed his eyes. He knew that this wasn't a "normal" was to meditate, but he was never one much for tradition. He focused on the glow of the darkness around him, concentrating, waiting to feel the warmth. If he hadn't had all of his senses tuned specifically to it, he would not have noticed the gradual warmth that began to consume him. In a flash, he was surrounded by light.

It was all quiet, serene… until the voice he recognized as the force whispered a single word to him that singed his mind.

"….Anakin…"

Down the hall, Aurren had finally made it to her room. Stumbling through the doors, she wished she hadn't drunk so much wine. She crawled up on to the high bed and flopped back down on her back. 'Oh… right…' she thought as she sat back up, 'cant sleep in this!', and carelessly pulled the dress off over her head and laid it at the foot of the bed. Crawling towards the top, she pulled down the sheets and slid between the covers, a smile covering her face as she sunk into the comfort.

She was asleep in moments, but once sleep took her, so did dreams.

Back in his own chambers, Lord Vader lay back as tears unconsciously fell down his face. He was still within the silken arms of the force, and he was overwhelmed by it. The light around him began to swirl with colors, and when they eventually settled, they settled around him, and he realized he was in some sort of orchard that was simply bursting with wildflowers. He glanced around himself and saw the unique frosted tip of the mountain the Alderiaans called Heaven's Summit, except he seemed to be viewing it from the opposite side than the view from the villa.

In the distance, he could hear a child singing. It was one of the same songs his mother had sung to him back on Tattooine, and he walked towards it. In the distance he saw a small girl with long, almost white hair. She walked towards him singing, arms full of flowers, and the gentle breeze played with her hair and turned her cheeks pink.

He was obviously being given a glimpse of something by the force, but what? The child walked past him without even noticing him, and he decided to follow her. Her tiny voice continued singing the nursery rhyme, and in his mind, he sang along. "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray…"

He walked along side of the child as she walked out of the orchard, the heady fragrance of the wildflowers filling the air around him. He kept looking at her, there was something about her… he knew he must be seeing all of this for a reason, he had to keep his eyes open for something- but all he could do was watch. The force was so warm and comforting around him, and this place… it was beautiful. He wished he could be here forever.

Vader wondered if this were a real place… this orchard and the valley beyond, with the small village in the distance. He wished the child would turn and run into the grassy valley, he wanted to explore it, but as she turned towards the village, he was pulled- driven to follow her.

She had stop singing the words, and only continued lightly humming as she turned slightly from the village as she got closer, and towards a small thatched home on the outskirts. He could feel the pureness of this girl. The innocence of this child.

As they got closer to the home, a worry began to build in his chest. Something wasn't right. 'I've got a bad feeling about this,' he thought… then spared a distant thought for the man he had heard say that phrase many times.

The closer and closer they got the more it began to scream at him until he stopped in his tracks, and screamed towards the girl as she approached the threshold of the home- "NOOOOOOOO!" But she couldn't hear him.

He ran, faster than he thought his feet could really move, until he rushed through the open door to what looked like a blood bath. Two people, a man and a woman lay on the floor, brutally murdered. The child, the one that moments ago was glowing and happy and filled with innocence, was now sitting between the two adults, her flowers scattered on the floor, in the blood. And that beautiful innocence- it was gone. Leaving nothing but a deep empty hole- one that felt strangely familiar to him.

Suddenly he had the feeling of time speeding up. The blond girl sat there static until a man came to the home. Then everything became a blur… until finally he found himself in front of a funeral pyre. The child from the orchard was standing next to him, her face a blank mask. He wanted to hold her, tell her it would be ok. His heart bled for her, it actually ached. He remembered how he had felt when his mother had died at the hands of the Tusken Raiders. He just wanted to take her pain away.

Suddenly the child broke down, a long, low, wounded sound spilling from her throat as the tears came forth. The man who had found her in the home with her dead parents kneeled in front of her and spoke.

"It's ok Aurren, it's ok, just cry. It's ok to cry."

And she did cry. And strange enough, Vader found himself in tears as well.

The emptiness that felt so familiar made sense. The pang of pain he had felt in the dining room when they had arrived made sense. The reason for the emptiness suddenly made sense as well.

Vader shot up from the bed, his breath coming fast as he tried to calm down. The force, the one that had forsaken him for so long, had shown him how Aurren had found her parents slain on the floor of their home, surrounded by their own blood. He had felt what she had felt, almost as if the blood had drained completely from him the moment he saw the man and the woman lying there lifeless.

He lay back down and closed his eyes. He was simply too exhausted for anymore. He thought about Aurren, wondered what happened to her once the funeral was over. He wondered what happened the next year. He wondered how she came to be an architect, and finally how she ended up here with him and constantly on his mind.

He drifted back into sleep as Aurren awoke, her face wet from tears. It was as if she had just re-lived the entire thing… from playing in the orchards, to picking the flowers, to the vast blank spot in her memory from shock, the funeral pyre and the flames as they consumed the bodies of her parents.

She curled into the fetal position and cried. She knew it would be hard being here, but she did not want to relive the painful memories. She continued to cry until the birds on the hillside began to sing and the first rays of light began to seep through her windows.

I do hope that no one was offended too greatly by the... er... personal gratification scene. I dont plan too much smut in the story, but there will be some, eventually. Thanks again for all the great reviews!