Hello all! (Ducks as random pointy objects come flying in her direction) I know! I know I'm really sorry I haven't updated but I'm really busy job hunting and stuff, not only that I have a severe limit of one hour a day if I'm lucky on my computer and internet time so I hope you guys forgive me. Any way here's the next chapter enjoy!
Jade xx
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Chapter 3- Alphonse's diary
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August 14th 1946
Dear diary...
He's been crying again.
He thinks that at night I'm asleep, that I can't hear his muffled sobs as he sits on our bedroom windowsill and looks out of the window, sadly looking up at the moonlit sky. My older brother may be older than me, but at the same time he can be the most naive; he believes that I am still too innocent and naive myself to see the mental pain and anguish that he is going through, he thinks that he can hide it away from me, to hide what he really feels from everyone, but I know him better than he knows himself and I know its all fake.
It's been like this for almost a week now; he would pretend to be happy and he forces on a smile or a laugh for my sake and everyone else around him, but none of it is real, its all just part of a fragile mask my brother is using. Before he was happy but he felt incomplete, like a puzzle that's missing a vital piece and this frustrated and confused my older brother for a while and it confused him why his heart told him he was missing something in his life; We were living peacefully in a small village just outside of Munich, once we had both learnt German, Ed accepted a job teaching school children science while I had the easier job of helping out in a vegetable stall for the old lady who owned the shop, who was becoming to weak and frail to run it herself.
We both miss home, our real home, we missed everyone we knew back on our home world of Artemis, everyone we cared about or respected was a little aching weight in both our hearts as we yearned to see them all again (I especially missed Winry...as a friend, honest!), but when we first came here that didn't matter because after all the hardships we had been through, after all my older brothers hard work, I finally had my body back, Ed still had automail, but I don't think he cares about that anymore, he's just happy I'm back to normal, that I can once again do things a normal human being can do.
Things weren't the same though, I knew that our life wasn't the same as it was back in Artemies, it was hardly running around on missions and getting ourselves into trouble until Colonel Mustang and the rest of his subordinates turned up to help! While we were in Munich however, our life went at a steady pace, nothing really exciting happened in our small village and I know my brother was getting bored of this town, he was itching to go exploring again, but I also knew he wouldn't because he knew I was content to stay here, even though I've told him we could go somewhere else, that I would be happy to travel with him again, but Edward just shook his head at this and smiled telling me its fine to stay here and that he's in no rush to leave, and even though we both know its a lie, I don't reprimand him like my mom would have done, I know that he's doing it for my happiness and I respect and love him for that.
But what about his own happiness? How long is he just going to put his heart to one side for me? I love my brother dearly, but it almost physically kills me to hear him sobbing in such a broken way at night. I know why he's crying, he's crying because he finally figured the answer to why he felt so incomplete and I doubt it was the answer he was expecting, but then again I think if I was in my brothers shoes, I would cry too, if I was in his situation and I had unintentionally left the love of my life behind back in Artemies. I wanted to confront my older brother about it, comfort him in some way, but I knew that Ed would just flash me a fake smile and deny how he felt, even to himself.
I know who that piece of my older brother's heart belongs to, and I desperately wanted to tell him that I already knew he was in love and that I was okay with it, that I was happy for him, but as I said before he'd probably deny it until the cows came home that he wasn't in love, even though we both knew he was. No, I think he was better to just let my brother be, so he could figure out his feelings on his own, It took him a while but once he realized the truth of what his heart was telling him...well the last thing I had expected my older brother to do was cry, he cried so much when he first realized and it surprised me; the only other time I've ever seen my brother cry that much was when mom died.
I know that only 3 people have ever seen my brother, the Full metal alchemist cry, myself his younger brother, Winry our childhood friend and honorary boy, and Colonel Roy Mustang, My older brothers superior and the man he's in love with...Surprised? I wasn't, not at all, even though I only have a few clear memories from when I spent four years as a suit or armor, one memory I have is very clear; me restraining my brother who was yelling and flailing, trying to get at Roy Mustang because the man had just made an insult at Ed's height, I remember the man just smirking at my brother as he ranted, but at the same time his dark eyes sparkled softly with something akin to fondness, even if my brother didn't notice, I did. Even if I don't remember much of back then I know in my heart that the short jokes and insults between the two of them weren't meant to be seriously insulting, it was just a game, a game the two both loved to play even if both denied it, at the time I suppose it was designed to lighten up the military and make it less dull, after all nothing stays boring once my loud, short tempered brother is around.
But...now my brother isn't the same, right now it's like he's a whole other person, he's different, he's not the same and that scares me. Its almost like he's a lost soul searching fruitlessly for a way back home to his soul mate...heh, as cheesy as that sounds its probably the truth too; My brother would have been lost if Mustang hadn't taken Ed under his wing, without the man constantly teasing him and pushing him to achieve, Ed, as hard working as my brother is, wouldn't have been able to achieve what he had without the man. But I know it went deeper than that, ever since Ed turned 15 he'd began oddly around Roy, sure they both still threw insults at each other but the usual heated tense mood had changed and had been replaced to something more lighthearted.
I know that in a case of sad twisted irony, the man that my brother is in love with, loves him back, but my brother doesn't know that, and I haven't told him that Colonel Mustang loves him, because I promised the man that I wouldn't until we found a way back home, but so far my older brothers search for a solution has proved to be fruitless; without alchemy there was no way to re-open the gate between both worlds, when my brother realized this I expected him to be set in determination to find a solution, but instead, his usually strong persistence and determination to find an answer seemed to crumble and fade away until Ed had no hope left of going home.
It hurts me to see him like this, it really hurts, because he wont tell me what's wrong, even though I know what's wrong my brother refuses to confide in me about his fears, It's not that my brother doesn't trust me, its that he doesn't want to admit he has a problem with being in this world, so as not to upset me. Do you see the pattern? My brother has been working so long in getting my body back and making me feel happy, that Ed doesn't realize he's making himself utterly miserable. My once strong, brave and stubborn brother, who did so much to right the wrongs of our past, who has done everything with a burning passion, is simply breaking down. He has given up on finding a way home all his research I found shoved to one side on his shelf, gathering dust. I keep having an urge to tell Ed that Roy loves him...but I'm afraid, I'm not sure this declaration will make my brother have hope and drive him forward, or make him delve deeper into despair. I wont risk breaking my already incomplete brother like that so for now I'll keep silent about what I know and continue to find a way home.
That's right I'm going to pick up where my older brother left off and try to find a way home for us both, I'll search for an answer on my own for as long as it takes, I'm going to do this because I want him back, I want my brother back, the old Edward Elric back, I want him to be happy, strong and care free again, I want him to be himself again, I don't want him to be the way he is now, I won't give up hope like he did, I'll be strong and find a way to bring us back home no matter what. My brother has spent half his life trying to cater for my happiness; I believe that this time, I should be the one to give some back.
It's a fair Equivalent Exchange.
Alphonse.
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Yes I know! I know its short but please bear with me; chapter four will be longer and will be from both Ed and Roy's points of view. Someone asked me how long this story was going to be and honestly? I don't know, I made this story up once I had seen the FMA movie and decided that I didn't like the way it ended and this is my way of making up my OWN ending, of what happens AFTER Ed and Al go through the gate and im making uit up as I go along so I really dont know when this is going to end. Anyway I do hope you guys are enjoying it so far until next time! Ja ne!
Jade xx