Disclaimer: Metal Gear and all of it's characters belong to Konami Computer Entertainment of Japan.
As the elevator rose up the shaft, Solid Snake, legendary soldier that he was, took off all the extra equipment he had, including a ski mask, revealing that he somehow changed his hair color, and procured a bandana. Which left him hatless in the middle of an Alaskan blizzard. As the elevator reached the ground, Snake disembarked, and immediately hid behind a conveniently placed bigass metal crate (TM).
Suddenly, a ringing emanated from nowhere.
"This is Snake. Despite the loud warning klaxons, nobody's noticed that the elevator is up." The Black Ops warrior said over his nifty radio surgically implanted in his skull.
"Excellent Snake." Campbell said on the other end of the line. "Age hasn't slowed you down.".
Naomi chimed in. "How's that Sneaking Suit working out?".
"A little hard to move, but at least I'm still alive.".
"Bear with it. You'd frozen to death if you weren't wearing it. Not that I'd mind..." the doctor said again.
"What was that?" The bandana wearing soldier said.
"Uh, nothing.".
"Uh-huh. Colonel, how's the diversionary operation going?".
Campbell, glad that Snake and Naomi's conversation hadn't led to another vague tirade on genetics, informed Snake that a pair of attack aircraft had just left the tarmac at Galena Air Force Base. Then, Snake finally noticed the giant ass helicopter sitting less than fifty feet away from him. A guy, in an evil trench coat nonetheless, climbed into the chopper, and took off.
"A Hind-D? Colonel, what's a Russian gun ship doing here?".
"Uh, I don't know. Guess they noticed our diversion.".
"So that retard's flying in this snowstorm? Not to mention he's planning on going to go up against a pair of jet aircraft in a ground attack/transport helicopter? Moron." A cute Chinese voice came over the radio.
"Who's that?" Snake asked.
"Oh, this is Mei Ling. She's pretty much our secretary." The old fat man said.
"I developed the magic, time freezing radio that you're using, as well as the magic radar that tells you guard positions, where they're looking at, and even highlights their 5 foot cone of visual range. And I'll save you're game, and you won't even need a ink ribbon. I will also try and come up with irrelevant quotes to keep you inspired." Mei Ling said.
"Wow. That's pretty cool. And to top it all off, like every other woman in this series, you're hot." Snake said, beginning to drool. Unfortunately, drooling in an Alaskan snowstorm is not a bright move. And thus began his valiant, three-minute struggle to try and get the ice that connected is lower jaw to his body armor off.
"YAY! I'm being hit on by someone! Glee!." The Chinese secretary spoke again. Then she went on to explain the not overly complex idea behind radar to Snake. It took a few tries, but eventually Snake got it. And once again, Naomi spoke on how the genome soldiers were genetically superior, even though they had the intelligence, vision, and hearing of a retarded jellyfish.
"Okay Colonel. I have one question. The guards here are not that great, but why the holy Hell did you send me here with no weapons?".
"I can answer that Snake. Live, and I'll consider sleeping with you." Naomi said.
Wait. That's not an answer. Snake thought. But like any male on the planet, he didn't care. "Okay. Got it. Oh, and I managed to bring my cigarettes. Yep, I had no access to pants on the sub, but I had access to cigarettes.".
"You know Snake, nicotine activates the gene that causes lung cancer...".
"Jesus Christ, you idiot! You got her talking about genes again." Campbell said. "Let's just finish the mission, and you can flirt with the hired help all you want, and I can stop listening to all this educational garbage!".
"Okay, two sentries. One on the right. And there's one on the left. He apparently slept through the takeoff of a helicopter.".
"How do you plan on entering?" Campbell asked.
"Can't just knock on the front door and ask them to let me in." Snake said.
"Great conclusion, Captain Obvious." Mei Ling said.
"What was that?".
"Uh, I said that in the words of Confucius, 'Good Luck'.".
"Got it. Okay, I'm ready to go.". Snake then preceded to walk on the snow. When he noticed the guard saw the footprints, he decided to run in circles around the hill, just to see if the guard would notice. After thirty minutes of this, Snake grew bored and walked away. And Faceless Guard Number Four was none the wiser.
Spotting a cargo truck, Snake hopped in the back. He immediately found a loaded gun, with no safety lock or anything. A SOCOM .45 caliber, with a laser sight attached, no less. He then received another CODEC call.
"Yeah, who's this?" The mercenary asked.
"This is Nastasha Romanenko, your requisite Russian support chick and expert on weapons. I will tell you the tricks to use to defeat bosses, as well as how preach to you about how nuclear weapons are bad. So bad. Very bad." The Russian chick said. Amazingly, she was only moderately attractive.
"Neat.".
"The handgun you are using is a SOCOM Special Operations Command pistol. It is a reliable weapon with plenty of stopping power. It is a little heavy and... wait. Did you fall asleep? Evil Capitalist pig! Filthy American dog!".
"Huh, oh. Sorry about that." Snake said, waking up. "It's just that hearing the complete history of a .45 caliber handgun is only slightly more interesting to me than hearing Naomi babble on about genetics.".
"Got it. Remember, nuclear weapons are bad.".
Clicking off the radio, Snake exited the trunk. The guard on the hill was still pondering the mystery of the footprints, and the one on the right was asleep. Snake decided to go up a set of stairs at the top of the hill. Suddenly he noticed something. "A surveillance camera?" Snake said, amazed at the fact that there would be a security system in an facility that disposes nuclear weapons. Waiting for the camera to turn, Snake entered the climbed the stairs, and immediately was scene by a guard he didn't notice.
The guard called an alert, and now all three guards were heading for Snake. To make matters worse, Snake's omnipotent radar wasn't functioning in alert mode. So Snake ran back down the stairs, on to the helicopter pad, screaming like an idiot. On the pad, he found a set of chaff grenades, with the amazing ability to disrupt electronics. As the guards drew closer, ran up the stairs.
At the apex, he ran some more, and finally found an open vent shaft. The guards, upon reaching the top of stairs, dropped in a few grenades. Unfortunately, the geniuses weren't bright enough to move away from the vent cover. Poor bastards.
As for Snake, members of his family have a knack for not dying when by all rights they should be liquified, so he survived. Although he wouldn't mind lying there, allowing his multiple fractures to heal themselves, he got another CODEC call, this time from a blonde man in aviator sunglasses.
"Snake, this is Albert Wesker... er, I mean, MacDonnell Miller.".
"Master? What are you doing here? And are those helicopter rotors in the background.".
"Er, no, of course not. I'm your best friend. You trust me. Look into my eyes...".
"Uh, Master, isn't this the part where you tell me what unnecessary job you'll be filling?".
"Yeah. I'll give you meaningful advice, such as why you shouldn't play videogames while in the bathtub. And other advice on gaming ergonomics. Okay buh-bye now.".
In the cockpit of the Mi-24 Hind-D, Liquid Snake felt amazed by how stupid his brother was. Wow. And he was the Golden boy. Liquid felt a surge of fear. Snake was superior to him in every regard. So if Snake was that much of an idiot, what does that make me? Liquid was to busy brooding to pay attention as to where he was flying. So his introspection was cut short when the Hind slammed into the ground at maximum velocity.
Fifteen minutes later, Liquid woke up in the burning wreckage. "Ouch." He said.
"Sir?! Are you all right?!" Faceless Guard Number Four said.
"Uh, I think so. Minus the blinding pain, of course.".
"I see. Need anything?".
Looking at the burning wreckage of the helicopter, Liquid tried to do his best villainous crossing- arms-looking-down pose thing. Which, considering the severe head trauma, wasn't that great. "Go get me some super glue.".
"Anything else?".
"No. Now if you excuse me, I'm off to talk to that leprechaun." The evil mastermind said, staggering over to a snowman FG Four had built in celebration after he decided that the footprints in the snow were caused by an intelligent race of gnomes. FG Four shook his head, thinking and people think I'm an idiot. As Liquid left FG Four's visual range, the guard suddenly noticed the footprints in the snow. Jesus! The gnomes have struck again!