Disclaimer: I do not own Metal Gear Solid, Konami does.

As Snake exited the DARPA Chief's cell, he looked around the cellblock. The Black Ops badass thought to himself nothing unusual. A door leading to the bathroom a computer, a naked man lying unconscious at right-hand wall, nothing unusual at all...

Wait... NAKED MAN LYING UNCONSCIOUS?!!

"Don't move!" Shouted the guard. Whereas Johnny Sasaki previously had a sniveling, nasally voice, now he sounded like a young woman. Snake immediately wheeled around, looking straight into the eyes of his opponent, his FAMAS leveled at Snake's chest.

"So you killed the chief." Effeminately-voiced Johnny said. Eventually, Snake figured out that it wasn't Johnny. But it took a while.

"Come on. Jesus Christ. Do you think a guy would just waltz into Mr. Anderson's cell via the vent shafts, have a long conversation about nuclear weapons and psychic dudes, and then snuff ol' Chiefy here in a manner that sounds similar to cardiac arrest?".

"Uh... possibly.".

Sighing, Snake explained. "Here's a better account of the situation. I came to rescue him. However, he must've really needed to cut back on his cholesterol, because he had a heart attack. Blame Atkins, not me.".

"Yeah, sure. Next you'll tell me you're the son of a legendary supersoldier, who came here at the coercion of my Uncle Roy to take down you're evil twin brother." The woman retorted.

"Uh... Yeah." Snake said. "Of course, you're just a rookie, and haven't figured that out yet.".

"I'm not a rookie!".

"Yeah... I see the look in you're eyes. You're definitely a rookie. Betcha haven't even taken the safety off.".

BLAM!

After a few moments of wincing at the 5.56 millimeter whole in his shoulder, Snake continued "I-I su-suppose y-you sniff t-took th-the safety off. B-but you're st-still a ro-rookie.". Then he started crying. When his enemy laughed, that was the last straw. He pulled out his SOCOM.

Unfortunately, as the female soldier and Snake traded insults (and bullet collections), a group of Genome Soldiers stood outside the door. After realizing that they were going to attack the deadliest man on earth and reviewing the Evil Henchmen's Union rules, they decided to go in groups of three. The Union ruled thatfaceless guardscan't actually use their numerical advantage to any real effect.

Back in the cell, the female soldier, now that Snake had his gun pointed at her, decided to negotiate. "Okay... open that door.".

"Why?!".

"Because I want to leave, duh.".

Unfortunately, the soldier's brilliant stratagem was abruptly terminated when the door slid open, and the first three sacrificial lambs charged in. Snake immediately relieved all the pent-up frustration he had about being sent to a terrorist stronghold unarmed, by aiming low and shooting fast.

After the guards fell, Snake realized that the chick hadn't fired a shot. "SHOOT!".

"STOP YELLING AT ME! IT HURTS MY FEELINGS!" his compatriot shouted.

Three more guards entered. With a little bit more pushing from Snake, the woman opened fire, downing the cannon fodder as efficiently as Snake did.

More guards pored in, and as a group, they died like lemmings. As the last group was killed, the soldier, sarcastically thanking Snake for saving her life, ran out the door. Of course, Snake rushed after her. As she raced towards the elevator, Snake stopped and stared at her ass. Hmm... a bit on the psycho side, but hey, so's everyone else I've met. Nice ass, too. And if she follows Mei Ling's and Naomi's example, she's hot.

Snake was brimming with questions. But before our hero could ask for her number, her birthday, her favorite restaurant, or her measurements, she turned and fired. Diving back into the relative safety of the prison, he continued his train of thought. Uh, on second thought, maybe personality is important...

After the elevator doors closed, Snake walked back into the hall. Suddenly, he had a vision.

"You fool! You've killed him!" Shouted the Evil British Voice (TM), whom Snake remembered from the start of the mission.

"Uh, sorry sir. I know I've ruined our plans, but it was an accident." Said an Evil Russian Voice (TM).

"Yeah, and I couldn't read his mind. Yep, not only am I about as thickly muscled as a pencil, my only useful abilities proved useless against an old guy with a clip on tie." said an Evil Russian Voice in a Gasmask (TM).

"Yeah, great job with that. Miss Cleo would be a more efficient henchman than you." Sneered the Evil Brit.

"OH YEAH?! FUCK YOU GOLDILOCKS!" Shouted the Gasmask-wearer.

After that, Snake called up Naomi. "Uh, Doc, was there any PCP in that shot you gave me?".

"Nope, just common Ritalin (Should've upped the dose on that one), anti-freeze, nanomachines, and the death virus." The British scientist replied.

"What was that last one again?" Snake asked.

"Uh... nanomachines.".

"Oh, could've sworn you said death virus.".

"Oh no, of course not. You must've been trapped in a feedback loop from Mantis, and it combined with a group of genes that cause hallucinations to" At that point, Snake hung up. Then he called up Campbell.

"Colonel, the Chief's dead, and the terrorists must've learned group dynamics from Megatron and Starscream.".

"Yeah. I see, not like us. I just tell you to go to war or get a 9 millimeter seal of disapproval, and that's the end of the argument. Go find Baker.".

Snake arrived on floor B-2. After randomly using the Chief's keycard, he found what no action hero is complete without; C-4. That's when he began blowing stuff up indiscriminantly. Eventually, after revealing three secret areas, blowing up five walls, and nearly killing himself on the same trapdoor twelve times, he reached a room.

The President of Armstech was standing in the middle, against a pillar. Surrounding him were a bunch of wires. "Oooooh, shiny..." Snake said, and reached for a wire.

"No!" shouted the chief. Snake looked up, and immediately realized he almost set off a dozen or so blocks of plastic explosives.

"Right. Touch that wire and the C-4 will blow up along with the old man." Said the owner of the non-gasmasked Evil Russian Voice (TM). Dressed in a trench coat, with a blue Old West-style vest on, he apparently had no qualms about standing right next to the semtex while a Black Ops agent reached for the tripwires. "I've been waiting for you, Solid Snake.".

"Yep, that's me. And you are?".

"Special Operations FOX-Hound...".

"Clint Eastwood?!".

"NO DAMMIT! My name's Revolver..." upon saying Revolver, the man did a thirty minute gun twirling trick. He continued. "... Ocelot.", this followed by another gun twirling trick. Snake easily could've just blasted him in the face with his SOCOM while Ocelot spent an hour introducing himself, but hey, he thought sarcastically, I'm facing a senile old geezer using an even older handgun. I sure do feel scared.

Ocelot took his prized revolver and dumped the ammo out, reloading as he said"This here is the greatest handgun ever made, the Colt Single Action Army. Six bullets. More than enough to kill anything that moves. Unless of course, you're a pansy and chose to play on 'Easy'. Wait... dammit, are you fucking asleep?!".

Naomi and Nastasha, both monitoring the conversation, could only bow their heads in shame. At least Snake was consistent with his ADD.

Back at Shadow Moses, Snake awoke. "Okay. Let's do this.". He said, reaching for his SOCOM. Idiot, he's using a 1870s six-shooter .45. I'm using a 1990s automatic .45.

His opponent, taking this in stride, settled his hand over his Colt Peacemaker. "Draw!". Idiot. I'm a master at using six-shooting .45s. He's stuck with an overglorified automatic.

When both sides are this cocky, someone's bound to look like an idiot.

Author's note: Cliffhanger ending for this one. Also, I wish to ask you something. I plan on having someone talk entirely in leet (or 1337) speech, just to illustrate how much it sucks. It's either going to be Grey Fox or Otacon. However, because leet speech sucks, I'm unsure if it will deter much from my story, and ask you for your opinions. Thanks in advance.