Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid.

As we last left Snake, our hero was just about to face off against the FOX-HOUND Colonel Sanders lookalike, Revolver Ocelot.

"Draw!" The Russian cowboy said. Snake responded by using the tried-and-true "Shoot the guy in the face" tactic. Unfortunately, Ocelot managed to run behind a pillar before Snake could ventilate his forehead. So Snake followed suite and hid behind a pillar. And unfortunately, Ocelot managed to ricochet a bullet off the wall, and hit Snake in the shoulder.

"Ow! That hurt!".

Seeing that his trick worked, Ocelot decided to embark on some good,old-fashioned Bond Villain-style exposition. "Hiding won't help you. I understand the bullets, you see. I make them go where I want.".

And so, back and forth the battle raged, Snake and Ocelot trading lead. Until Ocelot ran out of bullets for his Colt SAA. Putting in 6 more .45 LC bullets, Ocelot once again embarked on narrating his every action to Snake. "I love to reload during a battle. There's nothing like the feeling of slamming a long, silver bullet into a well-greased chamber.".

Snake, stopped, blinked for a minute, and burst out laughing. Sarcastically, he said "Okay, -ha- that was strange. Was that a threat or -snicker- are you hitting on me?".

"Can't it be both?". Snake, realizing that Ocelot wasn't being sarcastic, shuddered.

Meanwhile, in Hell, the ghost of Big Boss surveyed the battle between his son and his former nemesis. Yelling upwards, he said "Jesus Christ boy, I beat this guy before he was senile! Hell, you'd better be losing on purpose to tick me off, or else I want my genes back.".
Back at Shadow Moses, Snake finally managed to cap Ocelot. The old man stepped behind another pillar. "Hmm, you''re pretty good. Just what I'd expect from the man with the same code as the boss. Draw!".

Just as Ocelot rushed out of his hiding space, a Predatoresque transparent silhouette leapt. Ocelot was suddenly missing his Colt SAA, and his hand. "What? My hand!". Obviously, whatever organ that prevents you from stating the obvious is located in your hand.

The silhouette sliced apart the tripwires holding the Armstech President, and the C-4 went off. Amazingly, despite the fact that he was in the center of the explosions, Baker was unharmed. In fact, the only one injured was Ocelot, who got blasted out of the whole in the wall. The silhouette turned visible, revealing a cyborg ninja, carrying a three foot-long katana.

Picking up his amputated hand, he shouted at Snake "You were lucky! We'll meet again!" and rushed down the hall. Yep, Snake was real lucky, now that the old Russian guy he was fighting was replaced by a super powered invisible freak.

"Who are you!" Snake demanded.

"I am like you... I have no name.".Dumbass, my name's Snake. Oh well, at least he got rid of the creepy gunslinger, Snake thought, recalling the silver bullet speech.

Then Baker went and opened his mouth. "Domo arigato, mister Roboto.".

"Gyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!" Came the reply. The Ninja seized up, backflipped out of the room, and ran down the hall.

"Riiiiiiiight." Snake said. Helping Baker to his feet, he continued "So, you''re the other guy I have to rescue.".

"Yep." was the reply.

Good. At least I didn't put up with all this for nothing, Snake thought "And I assume you'll give me another low-level keycard, despite the fact that you are, y'know, in charge of this project.".

"Yep. But you forgot to mention the top secret disk on Metal Gear REX, which will not help you at all.".

Figures, our hero thought. "Anything else?".

"Uh, yeah. Where's the DARPA Chief?".

Crap. "Uh... well, I uh... he died.". Immediately, Baker began whacking Snake with his cane, a feat that managed to be only slightly less threatening than the fifty year old cowboy.

"C'mon. Why does think I killed him? I was sent here to rescue you people." Snake sighed, taking away the old man''s cane.

"Eh, maybe because you look a lot like the Evil British dude?".

"Sorry. Okay, know any useless phone numbers?" Snake asked.

"Uh, I knew the number of that one hot chick they captured." Baker said.

"The one with the nice ass?" Snake said, his eyes bright and happy.

"Yep, that''s the one.".

"SCORE!" Snake yelled triumphantly. "Come on baldy, what's her number!".

"I, uh forgot." Baker said. Snake prepared to deal out a brand of violence that could only be described as extremely Mel Gibson Biblical-esque, but before he could find any conveniently placed bigass nails, Baker saved his skin. "Okay, to get her number, just break the fourth wall between fantasy and reality and check the CD case.".

Calming down, Snake decided to find out what the legally blind, deaf, and retarded guards and hapless Cobra rejects wanted. "Okay. What are the terrorists really after?".

"Uh, they probably are looking forward to the World War Three, just like us in the arms industry. But noooooooo. I had to bribe my way into being able to get Metal Gear built. They just came and took it. Y'know, it's not like they couldn't just get their own Nukes, there's an entire black market for those things. They had to steal my robot. I mean, I know it's not nice to have the fate of the world as an afterthought when you are trying to line your pockets, but still...".

Snake, cursing himself for getting another vague tirade started, decided to talk about Metal Gear for a while. "Okay, what do I have to do to blow your Mech up this time?".

"Find Hal Emmerich, the guy who designed it. He's completely nuts, so he probably fits in well here." Baker said, recalling all the stupid posters bought and unintelligible anime references the engineer had made.

"Okay, find your computer geek. Now finally, is there any real important plot detail that will unravel the entire mystery of the game?" Snake asked. He really wanted to find out what kind of conspiracy was being enacted.

"Okay, you see, Metal Gear is... ugh! NO! WHY! EVIL PENTAGON!". With a final -gurgle-, the Armstech President croaked.

"Damn!" Snake said. Okay, ask for plot spoilers first, then ask what their motivation was. Better write this down. After doing so, and stealing Baker''s wallet, Snake received a call from Campbell.

"Uh, Colonel, something really bad happened." Snake said to his boss.

"Let me guess, you were about to find a piece of information which would save you, and everyone else, a great deal of suffering, when all of a sudden, President Baker died of a heart attack, just like the DARPA Chief." Colonel said.

"Uh, yeah. How'd you know?" Snake asked.

"Oh, it must've been alucky guess. I mean, their deaths couldn't have been planned from the start." Campbell said.

"Okay, fine. By the way, I saw a Ninja." Snake said, with the enthusiasm and clarity of a second grader describing his field trip to the zoo.

"Uh yeah, uh about that. I know that he's a FOX-HOUND medical experiment, and I'm the chief medical officer of FOX-HOUND, but I know nothing about him. Nothing at all. He and I have definately never met." Naomi chimed in.

"Okay. I gotta go." Snake said. Okay, to talk to that girl, I just have to destroy suspension of disbelief...

Meanwhile, in a little place called "reality", DarkGidora looked at the back of his CD case. "Hmm, Meryl's frequency is 140.15. Got it." The student/amateurfanfiction writer said.
""Okay, 140.15."" Snake said, dialing the codec frequency...

TO BE CONTINUED...