Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid, Konami does. MGM owns James Bond and the Bond Chicks.

After dialing the frequency 140.15 into the codec, Snake saw a face covered in a ski mask appear.

"Who are you?" The woman said.

"Don't you remember the whole 'Shoot the guy for staring at my ass' ordeal?". Snake said.

"The guy from jail?! How did you get this number?!" The woman said, astonished. The last thing she needed was a crazy stalker following her.

"Uh, Baker gave it to me. And by the way, are you the Colonel's niece?" Snake asked.

"Uh, yeah, my name's Meryl. And who might you be?".

"A fool that your uncle sent here." Snake replied.

"Hmm, you must be Snake! Solid Snake!" She said, removing her mask. And, not surprisingly, Snake was glad to see yet another hot chick was around.

"Yeah, I guess your uncle told you about me.".

"Yep. He said that you were an easily manipulable, unprincipled, moral-less, murdering cipher.".

Snake tried to explain those words. "Uh, yeah... about that... um, damn, I got nothing. So, what should we do?".

"Well, this is about spies, so following tradition, we should flirt a bit, then return to serious matters later." Meryl said.

Heh. I knew something good would happen today. Snake, thought, then he commenced flirting "Y'know, I had no doubts that you weren't evil."

"Why?".

"Because you have very pretty eyes. Yep, you shot at me, but you have good eyes, so you couldn't possibly be evil." Snake said.

"And I mistook you for your Liquid. He's not your brother or anything, is he?" Meryl asked.

"Of course not. Sure, we look identical, have the same last name, Ocelot compared the two of us, and the terrorists have declared themselves 'The Sons of Big Boss', but we can't possibly be brothers.".

"By the way, how is Baker doing?" Meryl asked. Yeah, great, tell me so I can knock that dirty old bastard's goddamn teeth in. Unbeknownst to Snake, while Meryl and Baker were still in radio contact, Baker spent most of his time making prank calls. Meryl thirsted for vengeance.

"Uh, yeah. Like our friend, the DARPA chief, Baker died of a heart attack. Heart Disease is America's number one killer, you know.".

"Ah, I assume he died right before giving out a major plot point...".

"You're pretty good at this." Snake said, hoping to score more points.

"Yep. Let's discuss something else. Did you know that my uncle has been lying to you from the start?".

"Considering the heart attacks, the fact that Ocelot was waiting for me, the fact that this conveniently is a base where Metal Gear is being kept while guarded by FOX-HOUND, yeah, I had an inkling." was the weary acknowledgment from Snake.

"Ah, well, you better get moving. I have the keycard to open the door on the ground floor of the tank hanger." Meryl said.

"I see." Snake said, but then he remembered something important. "Wait, one last thing. Seeing as we've got the flirting done with, we still have another cliche to enact.".

"Which one?" Meryl asked. She had hoped it wouldn't be the 'Tough, experienced veteran instructing rookie to lay low' cliche. She knew she could just play the corollary, 'Rookie manages to impress veteran with skills' cliche, but that would unfortunately lead into the 'Rookie becomes a liability, leaving the veteran in a dangerous situation' cliche.

"Well, I am a tough, experienced veteran, and you are a rookie, so just lay low.".

Dammit! Idiot just signed my death warrant Meryl thought. She then began wondering which of the villains would be the one. Oh, well. "Snake, I'm brash and headstrong. I will do something cool before I get used for target practice.".

Snake finally had a chance to ask the question that had been on his mind since they had met, in the cells. "Does that mean you'll sleep with me?!".

"If by some twist of fate I don't die, sure." Meryl said, before finally signing off to write her will...

"YAY!" Snake said, and then looked to see what his shiny new Level 2 keycard would work on. He found a room holding a FAMAS assault rifle and some laser sensors. However, thanks to the his inability to quit cigarettes, he managed to spot them. He also managed to amass a large collection of grenades, SOCOM ammo, and C4.

As he reached floor one of the tank hanger, he noticed one of the 70 ton armored vehicles was missing. Wonder what these bozos will throw at me next... Snake thought sarcastically. And thus he began pillaging the tank hanger with his new keycard. On the bottom floor, he found a silencer, which he put on his SOCOM, gaining an even greater edge on the guards. They died before they knew what hit them.

He continued on his raid. And on the top floor of the tank hanger, as he opened one of the security doors, he spotted an ally he hadn't seen since the fall of Zanzibar...

"BOXES!!!" Snake said, and like a child, he dove headfirst into a stack of cardboard boxes, finally choosing on taking a box marked 'To Heliport'. Happily skipping down the stairs, he decided to give Mei Ling a call.

"Uh, hey Snake, how are things?" The secretary asked nervously.

"What's the matter?!" Snake asked. He could sense that something was amiss.

"Uh, you know we can monitor your every conversation, so Campbell heard you and Meryl talking, and uh, he's taking it pretty hard.".

"What?! Okay, seeing as they are blood relatives, and he's my friend, I won't see Meryl if he feels overly protective..." He was going to continue, but Mei Ling cut him off.

"Oh, it's not the prospect of you two being a couple, it's just the fact that she now has Bond Chick status. And as you know Bond Chicks don't usually make it to the next movie. Well, actually he does have a few scruples about letting hisniece sleep with walking proof of Murphy's Law, but it's mostly the Bond Chick thing." Mei Ling said.

"Crap. Don't worry, I'll face any foe, use any controller slot, last through any long winded speech, save any nerd, and beat any minigame to make sure Meryl lives." Snake said, just as patriotic music began to play.

"Wow, that's amazing... I guess Campbell will forgive you. Wanna save?".

"Sure. By the way, how the hell can I see people through a radio constructed in my skull?".

"Hmm... I'm still trying to figure that one out myself. Oh well, I'll just carry on with the quotes; 'To be, or not to be, that is the question. Whether tis nobler in one's mind to face the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, ay, there's the rub.'.".

"Are you fucking drunk?!".

"Uh, tee-hee, maybe?".

Ah, well, she's still cute. And now to walk through that door Meryl opened. And thus Snake walked past more lasers, and finally exited to another snow field.

Suddenly, his CODEC rang.

"Snake, watch out! There are claymore mines there! And if you didn't already guess, there's a tank waiting to ambush you.". Snake couldn't make out the face of the man calling him, but the voice was very familiar.

"Who are you?!" Snake demanded, wanting to know if it was a prank caller. It if was... mailboxes would be shot.

"Just call me Deepthroat. Hey, wait... why are you laughing?! Stop it! -Sniff- Don't you understand the historical significance?".

"Uh, yeah, but still, c'mon, couldn't you pick a better name?".

"Uh, I guess so. Anyways, I'm one of your fans." This line was very familiar. In fact Snake heard his old war buddy Gray Fox say those words in Zanzibar. Of course, the plot demanded it, so Snake couldn't make the connection yet.

And so, after donning thermal goggles, he expanded his arsenal yet again. As he walked towards the Nuke Storage Building, the ground began to shake...

An M-1 tank drove up. "This is Raven's territory..." A monotone voice emanated from the machine. "...Snakes don't belong in Alaska.". The hatch opened, and a man of great sized pulled himself out, or tried to. He was too overmuscled to get out of the hatch.

"Damn It! Stuck." Raven shouted, then bashing the one hand he had free against the tank, he said "A little help here guys?!".

After three minutes of trying and several rounds of "How did you manage to get in?" from the troops, Raven finally pulled himself out of the tank.

"I will not let you pass." Tapping the tank again, he told the troops ominously "Send him a message.".

The tank's cannon turned. The 120 millimeter gun fired. Snake finally managed to get more hang time than Tony Hawk. Of course, Mr. Hawk is a pro skater, and is accustomed to flying. Snake wasn't. Also, Snake was new to flying headfirst into steel blast doors.

Five seconds later, Snake finally spoke. "Ow.".

"Nyahahahaha! That's right. You belong on the ground. Crawl on the ground like the Snake you are." Raven might not have been the best at making cool quotes, but he had a good evil laugh. As Snake got to his feet, Raven exlacimed "COME, LET'S FIGHT!".

Before the Inuit toughguy could attempt to get back into his tank, a guard spoke. "Dude, I bet your tongue would freeze to the tank if you put your tongue on it, just like in that Christmas movie."

"Will not!".

"Will to!".

"Fine, If I win, I get five bucks." Raven then licked the Tank. Five seconds later "Uck. I ink I'm uck. Am it! Ar oo aughing at me?! UCK OO!". He struggled to remove his tongue from the chobham composite armor, flailing like a ninny. The guards eventually grabbed his legs and pulled, and then, finally...

-RIIIIIIIP!!!!-

"That's gotta hurt." Snake said, as he prepared to battle the tank.

Author's note: Hope you've enjoyed this chapter. I have something special planned for next chapter, so don't expect the next update to make any sense.