CHAPTER ELEVEN: Faith
I had no idea where I was. All I knew was that it was dark, raining, and I was drunk beyond belief. I was wandering aimlessly, clutching onto the bottle of beer for dear life. It was all I had in the world, or so I felt. Obtaining it was not difficult. All I had to do was go to a local corner store. If you look old enough, they won't even bother to ask for ID. Honestly, I don't think they care anyway.
I thought that maybe I had seen a cat dart into an alley and try to find shelter from the rain. I was about to join it myself. Shit, the rain was hard, and it was like getting slapped in the head with precipitation. I stepped to the left where I thought I saw the cat go, and came to find out there was no alley there as I walked directly into the wall. Bouncing off of the wall, I ended up walking sideways across the street. Once I made it to the other side, I bumped into some steps and ended up landing ass-first on them. I just sat for a moment, trying to figure out where I was and how the hell that alley managed to dodge me and I knew I was going to kick its ass when I found it. Come to think of it, I'd have to kick that cat's ass too, 'cuz it probably was in cahoots with the alley.
I went for another swig of the liquor, but when I put my lips to the bottle, nothing came out. Things had just gone from bad to worse. Now my lifeline was gone. I think I may have been sobbing at that point, but I dunno. It may have just been rain running down my face. All I know is that I heard a door open and close behind me, and my neck started to buzz lightly. I turned around, and there was a woman with her hand extended as though she were about to tap my shoulder or something.
"What are you doing out here?" the woman asked me.
I didn't respond. I was too confused to do so.
"Robert? Is that you?" the woman asked.
Now I was even more confused.
"Come on. Let's get you out of this rain," the woman said to me.
With the little presence of mind that I did have, I placed the empty bottle on the ground and tried to play it off, like I had no idea why it was there. Whoever this woman was, she knew my name, which meant she probably knew my dad, and I did not need anybody telling him that they caught me with a bottle of beer. I slowly rose from the steps and followed the woman into the building.
There were a bunch of seats leading up to the front of whatever building we were in. The woman led me to the nearest one and sat down, and I sat down beside her. My vision started clearing up a bit, and it was then that I realized that I was sitting inside of a church.
"Oh, Rob...why were you sitting in the rain like that?" the woman asked me.
"I don't...I don't know..." I replied.
"I'm sorry, you probably don't even recognize me, do you? I'm Patrice Reed."
The name did not sound familiar.
"Where do I know you from?" I asked.
"Well, we only met once, at your mother's funeral. I was in charge of the church rehab that she was in."
"My mom was in rehab? When was this?"
"Well, she had been with us for a couple of months, but then she disappeared. Nobody had seen or heard from her until her passing."
I saw her. But I couldn't say anything.
"How are you holding up, Rob?" Patrice asked me.
"I'm okay..." I blatantly lied.
I had been staring at the floor ever since we entered the church, but looking up, I could vaguely recognize her face. She was a pretty, heavy-set black woman of light complexion, with long braids and two big hoop earrings. She was one of the many people who offered their condolences to me at my mother's funeral.
"For what it's worth, your mother was a strong woman. She really did try hard to recover," said Patrice.
"I wouldn't know..." I noted out loud, although I didn't really mean to.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see somebody coming out of a side door. It was a very well-dressed man who wore glasses and had black hair that was starting to gray at the temples. The man glanced toward where we were sitting and saw us.
"I thought you left already, honey," he said to Patrice.
"Not yet, Keith. But I'm glad you're here. I think this young man needs to speak to you," said Patrice.
I really wanted to scream, "No I don't!" but I didn't for some strange reason.
"Well, you know I always have time for a young person in need. I'm Keith Reid, the pastor of this church. What's your name, son?" the man named Keith asked me.
"Robert...Robert Jordan," I replied.
"I know that name from somewhere...and you look familiar. Have we met before?" he asked me.
"This is Rhonda Jordan's son," Patrice informed him.
"Oh yes, yes, of course. How have you and your father been since then?" asked Pastor Reid.
"We're holding up," I replied.
"That's good to hear. Well, what can I do for you?"
"Honestly, I don't think I really need to be here. I was just passing by. In fact, I should be getting home right now. I'm sorry to bother you." I rose and began to head for the door, but I could hear the pastor calling to me.
"One second, Robert," he said to me. He walked up to me, placed a hand on my shoulder, and looked me square in the eyes. "You look troubled."
"I'm not," I replied.
"Are you certain?"
"Positive."
"Have you spoken to anybody about your mother's death, Robert?" asked Pastor Reid.
"I don't need to speak to anybody about my mother's death," I said to him.
"You know nothing good could come of keeping your feelings inside. If you have something on your mind, you should share it. And you know that you could always pray for guidance when you're unsure about things."
"Prayer?" I asked, almost in a laugh. "Like that's gonna do any good..."
I noticed that the pastor had a very worried look on his face. That was bad, as it was a sure sign that he wanted to talk. It didn't even take my sixth sense to figure that one out.
"Come, sit with me," said Pastor Reid as he lead me back to a seat. We both sat down, and Patrice rose.
"I'll leave you two to talk. If you need me I'll be in your office, honey," she said to Pastor Reid.
"Alright, dear," he replied to her. She walked away, and then he turned back to me. "Now, tell me what's on your mind."
"I don't have anything on my mind," I replied.
"Is that so? Well, tell me this: Why do you think prayer won't help you?"
"Trust me, pastor, you wouldn't be happy with my answer."
"Try me."
"Alright, fine. You really want to know why I feel that way? Because I don't think there is a God, okay?"
"Why do you think that?"
"God is supposed to love us, right? Well, why does he let bad things happen to people he's supposed to love? What did we ever do to deserve this? Why should we suffer day in and day out and just assume that it's all a part of some great plan?"
"God does not mean for us to suffer, Robert. Whatever His plan is, man just cannot predict. All we can do is live the way He would want us to, and in the end all will be answered. In the end there will be no pain."
"I'm not living 'in the end'. I'm living right now, and right now all I see is people suffering for no reason! Why should we have to put up with that?"
"I notice you keep saying 'We', Robert. Is this about people in general, or could it be that you feel as though you've been mistreated in particular?"
"...I don't know..."
"Is there anything about your life that makes you particularly unhappy?"
"Does it matter?"
"I think it does," said Pastor Reid.
"Look, I haven't always felt this way. My dad used to have me in church every Sunday, but I made the conscious decision to stop going. I just don't see a point to any of it anymore."
"You don't see a point to any of what?"
"Life...I just don't see a point to life anymore..."
"Do you feel like you can change your life, in order to make it worthwhile?"
"Why should I? I'm eighteen years old, and no matter how much I have tried to make something of my life, it always just turns around and gives me more drama. I'm just...tired..."
"You speak as though you've already reached the point where you're supposed to know what you're going to do with your life. Trust me, you're far from there. You still have the rest of your life ahead of you."
"I'm not sure if I want to live the rest of my life. I don't see it being much different than it already is."
Pastor Reid and I were silent for a moment. I didn't know what to say, nor did I know what he was going to say. We were both staring at the floor. After a minute or so, he looked up at me.
"You know, your friend Angel comes to my services every Sunday morning," said Pastor Reid.
"Yeah, I know."
"She worries about you."
"Don't see why."
"Even before your mother's passing, she's been worried about you. And she's not the only person. Do you realize that your father sits here with me and prays for you every time he comes here?"
"I didn't know that..."
"And your mother, God bless her soul, she really was trying hard, Robert. I know you didn't know that, but she really was trying to do the right thing. She was trying hard for you and your brother. She told Patrice and I that she only wanted to stay clean so she could make her boys proud."
"Please, don't get me started on my worthless brother. Even if she had made it through the program, Aaron wouldn't have cared either way. It's people like him that made my mother what she was. And I honestly don't see what good faith did, because she died on the streets, the same way she was living her life. Forgive me for not being the most pious man in the world, but I see very little reason to believe that there is a God who loves me."
"I don't expect you to just turn around and change your way of thinking, but what I do want is to help you, because the way you're thinking right now is self-destructive."
"I'm sorry, pastor. I just don't think it's going to happen. Sorry for wasting your time."
I rose from the seat and headed for the exit. I could hear the pastor rising behind me.
"If ever you should need guidance, or just someone to talk to, I will be here," he said to me in an almost reassuring tone. I stopped at the door and looked back at him over my shoulder.
"Thank you," I replied quietly before walking out of the door.
I did not bother to catch the bus home, nor did I webswing. The latter wasn't really much of an option, as I did not have my costume on me and certainly wouldn't want to be seen swinging around in my everyday clothes. Not that it mattered. I hadn't worn that costume for a month. More specifically, I hadn't worn it since the night my mother died, and I wasn't sure if I'd ever wear it again.
When I finally made it to my house, I could see somebody standing on my porch. Whoever it was had been standing under an umbrella. I stopped at the bottom of the steps and looked up at whoever was under the umbrella. I recognized her instantly.
"Why are you standing out here?" I asked.
"Waiting for you," Angel replied.
"Your boyfriend wouldn't like that."
"This isn't about Andre, Rob."
"You're gonna catch a cold. My dad would have let you in, you know."
"Nobody answered the door. I figured he was still at work."
"Well, I don't feel like standing out here. You can come inside if you want."
I walked past Angel, opened the door, and stepped in. She followed me inside, placed her umbrella beside the door, and sat beside me on the couch. I closed my eyes and lay my head back, trying to ignore the pounding headache that I had acquired on the way home.
"So what did you come for?" I asked.
"I'm worried about you, Rob," said Angel.
"So I've heard. Had a talk with Pastor Reid today."
"Did he tell you why I worry about you?" asked Angel.
"Nope," I replied.
"Rob, you are probably the nicest person I have ever met. You always put your friends before you, and whether you want to admit it or not, you have always been willing to help other people, even if it meant giving something of yourself. But that's just the problem...I watch you do things for others, but at the same time, I can tell that you're really hurting. You deserve to be happy, Rob, and I'm worried that something bad is going to happen if you don't try to pursue that happiness."
"I don't want you making a big deal over me, okay? Seriously, I hate it when you worry like this over me. You got your own shit to deal with."
"That doesn't mean I'm just gonna forget about you, Rob! You're my best friend! Damn it, don't you realize how many people love you? There is a reason I'm worried about you! I love you! You're like a brother to me, and I don't like seeing you in pain."
"What makes you think I'm in pain, Angel?"
"Do you realize you've hardly spoken to me or Brian since your mom died? We don't even see you in the lunchroom anymore. Even Tiffany doesn't see you at lunch. Isolating yourself is not going to help."
"I just need to be alone sometimes."
"That's not all. Now, I'll be the first to admit that you hardly pushed yourself in class, but at least you used to make a little bit of effort. Now you do nothing. You won't even look me in the eye when I speak to you."
"That's because my head hurts," I replied.
"Open your eyes," said Angel.
I slowly opened my eyes to look at her. There was fire in her eyes. I was almost frightened.
"Believe me when I tell you that I would give anything in the world for you, Rob. If I could just give you a bit of happiness, I would be satisfied. Brian feels the same way. So does your dad. And I bet your mom felt the same way."
"To hell with her!" I exclaimed, standing up. "That bitch did nothing for me! She took my childhood from me, Angel! She did not want me to be happy!"
"That wasn't her, Rob! She was not herself when she did those things. That's why she was trying to get better."
"Then why did she die running the streets all over again?"
"I can't tell you that, Rob, because I don't know. What I do know is that you are still here, and there are still a lot of people who are willing to help you. I understand that this sadness isn't something you're going to be able to get over easily."
"That's just the thing, Angel. I'm not sad," I said as I sat on the floor on the side of the couch. "I'm empty. I don't feel a thing anymore. All my life I felt like things would all be better if my mother died, but now that it's actually happened, I don't know what to make of the situation. Now that it's happened, I realize that I never really wanted her to die. But if that's all that I ever wanted out of life, does that mean that my life has no meaning? It's like...the life I thought I wanted was a lie, and now that I realize that, I don't really have any more reason to keep going..."
Angel sat beside me and hooked her arm over my shoulder.
"You know there are people who will help you find the purpose you're looking for, right?" asked Angel.
"Yeah..."
"Rob, I want you to come to church with me on Sunday."
"Why?"
"Because you might be able to find some answers."
"I got nothin' to wear," I said.
"You don't have to get dressed up, Rob. Wear whatever you want to wear. You could come looking like a bum if you wanted to."
"You don't."
"Of course not! I gotta crush the game! Everybody knows I'm the best dressed female in that church!"
I found myself laughing a little bit. I turned to look at her and smiled.
"I believe you," I said.
"So, you gonna come to church with me?" asked Angel.
"I'll consider it."
"That's all I ask."
Angel rose from where we were sitting and walked back to the door to retrieve her umbrella. I rose to walk her to the door.
"I better get goin' before my dad loses his mind and starts searchin' the city for me," said Angel. "Don't be a stranger, Rob. You need me or Brian, don't hesitate to call us."
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that," I said.
"It's okay. You know we always had to save you from yourself."
Angel walked out the door, lifted her umbrella, and walked down the porch to the sidewalk. She turned and waved to me, and I waved back as she walked off. I closed the door, walked back into the house, and sat on the couch. There were far too many thoughts circulating in my head. I was still very confused about everything. I figured that I could just go to bed and try to sort it all out later. Just as I was about to stand up, I noticed a book sitting on the coffee table. It was black leather, with gold letters on the cover. The letters read, "Holy Bible". I stared at the book in deep thought for a moment. Then I picked it up, continued to stare at it. Then I began to read. I would read for hours. My dad would walk into the house, see me reading it, and not disturb me. But I know he smiled when he saw me. I would continue reading until eventually I would fall asleep on the couch.
END OF CHAPTER ELEVEN