Disclaimer: Still don't own Metal Gear.

Author's Note: This is an intermission. It has no effect on Tactical Idiocy Action at all. Just wanted to put down something for the holiday season. Happy Holidays everyone.
Solid Snake walked up on stage. Surrounding him were Revolver Ocelot, Liquid Snake, Solidus Snake, Grey Fox, Sniper Wolf, Vulcan Raven, Psycho Mantis, the AI Colonel, Vamp, Faceless Guard 4, Sergei Gurlukovich, and finally Big Boss. Addressing the audience, he said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you my most evil and villainous of... uh evil villains. Here they are to sing their own special version of the Twelve Days of Christmas.".

"Remind me, Brother. Why the hell are we here to sing a Christmas song. I mean, we are VILLAINS. Anyways, you also decided to bring our other Brother here, as well as the Old Man. Which is odd, since he's dead." Liquid interrupted.

"Uh, yeah. Um, this is a non-canonical way to celebrate every capitalist's favorite holiday. You see, DarkGidora was busy with school, so he couldn't dedicate the time and resources into writing a Metal Gear Christmas fic, and he couldn't think of a way to update this story, so he combined the ideas into an intermission.".

"So" Fox said. "You've brought twelve people, who all would like to kill you, and whom all have evil voices and/or funny accents, here, because our author is a lazy bastard and wants us to sing the most repetitive song on Earth?".

"That's not very Christmassy. But, uh, yeah, you're right. Take it from the top guys.".

At once, the twelve evildoers started singing, horribly off-key. "On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
Ocelot had the first part. "Liquid's mind in a transplant.". Liquid's eye twitched.

"On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
Liquid stopped giving Ocelot a death glare, and said his line "Two brothers who'll die!". Solidus and Solid just looked at each other and shrugged.
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Three idiot clones..." came from Big Boss. That got him a few glares.
"Two brothers who'll die..."
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Four Hari-Kiri rocks..." were the words of the AI Colonel. Everyone stood, silently blinking, for a minute, before Big Boss remembered his part.
"Three idiot clones..."
"Two brother's who'll die..."
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Five SEALs to kill..." Said a slightly drunken Vamp, wildly swinging his knife. Liquid got the stabbing tool lodged in his gut.
"Four Hari-Kiris...",
"Three idiot clones...",
"Ouch! Blood! What?!My line?!Oh yeah, brothers and die, or something...",
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Six bullet-time flips..." Obviously, that came from Grey Fox, who was backflipping erratically across the stage, attacking the stage crew. Eventually the evil chorus line that was assembled managed to calm him down. But still, seven men died horribly that day.
"Five SEALs to kill..."
"Four Hari-Kiris..."
"Three idiot clones..."
"Mind if I just sit here and bleed for a while? No?! Fine, two brothers who'll die..."
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Seven feet of vision..." was Faceless Guard Four's line. Sure, it was technically impossible to give good vision as a christmas gift, but I have made it my life's work to illustrate the poor eyesight of MGS guards.
"Six bullet-time flips..."
"Five SEALs to kill..."
"Four Hari-Kiris..."
"Three idiot clones..."
"Two brothers who'll die..."
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Eight traitorous dogs..." Came from Colonel Gurlukovich. He was literally screaming it at the top of his lungs, at Ocelot. The russian gunslinger was tempted to pull out his SAA and eliminate his old friend. But considering the aggravated state of the singers, he decided it wouldn't be prudent to be the first one to pull out a gun.
"Seven feet of vision..."
"Six bullet-time flips..."
"Five SEALs to kill..."
"Four Hari-Kiris..."
"Three idiotic clones..."
"Two brothers who'll die..."
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Nine volf-dog puppies..." Wolf said. Which wasn't true. Otacon had given her a Gundam DVD box set. That's when she sicced her wolves on him. Last Wolf had seen, he was running eastward.
"Eight traitorous dogs..."
"Seven feet of vision..."
"Six bullet-time flips..."
"Five SEALs to kill..."
"Four Hari-Kiris..."
"Three idiotic clones..."
"Two brother's who'll die..."
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Ten... thousand bullets..." Raven said, hefting his gun. He really liked that gift. Vulcan cannons use up ammo fast.
"Nine volf-dog pups..."
"Eight traitorous dogs..."
"Seven feet of vision..."
"Six bullet-time flips..."
"Five SEALs to kill..."
"Four Hari-Kiris..."
"Three idiot clones..."
"Two brothers who'll die..."
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Eleven morons around me singing." Mantis said. He looked around. The choraliers were in a bad mood already, and he had to open his big mouth. Even if you are the world's most powerful telepath, it doesn't make much sense to piss off the world's greatest soldier, his sons, a ninja, a GRU officer, a sociopathic Artificial Intelligence construct, a vampire, a sniper, a shaman, and a crazy Russian gunslinger, all in the same breath.
After the beating, they carried on "Ten thousand bullets..."
"Nine volf-dog pups..."
"Eight traitorous dogs..."
"Seven feet of vision..."
"Six bullet-time flips..."
"Five SEALs to kill..."
"Four Hari-Kiris..."
"Three idiot clones..."
"Two brothers who'll die..."
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."
"Twelve Wiseman's names... DAMN THE PATRIOTS!" Solidus yelled, stamping on Mantis's broken, bleeding body. The others, realizing that the end was in sight, ignored his tirade.
"FUCK! THE PAIN! HAVE YOU PEOPLE NO MERCY?!" Mantis whined, then looked at the crowd of assorted terrorists and killers. "Oh, right... uh, eleven bandages..."
"Ten thousand bullets..."
"Nine volf-dog pups..."
"Eight traitorous dogs..."
"Seven feet of vision..."
"Six bullet-time flips..."
"Five SEALs to kill..."
"Four Hari-Kiris..."
"Three idiot clones..."
"Two brothers who'll die..."
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"Zere. Vinally, ve're done." Wolf said, relieved. She forgot to call off her dogs, and she hoped Otacon wasn't hurt... too badly.

"Yes, agreed."Gray Fox said. "I really found that most annoying. Ah well, here's to hoping this is the last time DarkGidora pulls something like this.". The others embarked on similar tirades

Snake, after sulking in the corner for a while, stepped up. "That was pitiful guys. You people suck at singing,", then, gesturing towards Mantis, he said "And couldn't you at least go 5 minutes without violently attacking someone?".

Of course, with a song about numbers, slowly, the wheels had turned in the villains' heads. "Twelve days of Christmas, twelve villains. Twelve villains, one Snake." Faceless number 4 said, slowly coming to a conclusion the rest had reached since the first verse.

"Actually, only eleven. You count as a half, since you're a henchman. And Mantis's spine is broken in seven places, so that lowers his ranking." Liquid chimed in. "Still, we do outnumber him eleven to one."

As they turned to face Snake, he was gone... leaving only a box covered in wrapping paper with the words "do not open until christmas". After a chorus of swear words and inquisitions, the villains stormed off to search for Snake. Of course, we all know that they should've looked more carefully at the box...

So, after the villains departed, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake, Meryl walked up on stage, and tapped the box.

"Snake?".

"Meryl, are they gone?".

"Uh, yeah.".

"Good. Uh, by the way, can you do something for me?".

"What?".

"I uh, forgot to punch airholes through the wrapping paper. I'm running out of air open the box".

"No. This box is addressed to Sam Fisher. Isn't it illegal to open someone else's christmas presents? And why the hell are you sending a box to Sam Fisher?".

"Well, you see, I planned on placing a bunch of C-4 and claymores in the box and setting it to detonate once it was opened, then when the villains decided to attack me, I just tossed myself in the first box I saw. But I didn't put the bombs in yet, so you can just...".

Meryl cut him off before he could finish his train of thought. "Snake, what about the spirit of Christmas?! You ask the villains to be nice and sing, but you yourself are trying to kill the guy from Splinter Cell." She said, criticizing Snake's hypocrisy.

"Sorry... running... out of... air...we can... discuss... the moralistic... meaning of... Christmas... once I... can... breathe... okay?" He said, doing his best William Shatner impersonation.

"Fine.". With that, Meryl opened the box, and our oxygen-deprived hero was abled to breathe air again.

"So, have you learned your lesson Snake?" Meryl asked.

"Uh yeah. Next year, I'll stop trying to kill Sam Fisher. Too bad about Gabe though.".

"What did you send Gabe Logan?" Meryl sighed, knowing Snake had done something bothamazingly viscious and amazinglystupid.

"A Christmas card laced with FOXdie..." Snake said apoligetically.

"Snake...".

Snake, realizing that he still had all of Christmas in front of him, spoke again. "Eh, forget it. It's Christmas. Let's not worry about my murdering the competition, or the pack of supervillains I've inadvertantly provoked into goingout and sowing chaos and destruction, let's just celebrate the true meaning of the holidays.".

"You mean getting wasted on Tequila and Guinness, and watching Die Hard over and over?!" Meryl said, enthusiastically.

"If all goes well, yup.".

"GLEE!" She said, and the two walked off.

As they left, a random audience member walked up on stage, and spoke one of the most cliched lines ever. "God bless us, every one.".

Unfortunately for the Tiny Tim impersonator, Liquid decided to pay another visit to the stage to investigate the box. He brought along Metal Gear REX. "Jesus. That's the most cliched thing I ever heard. Well, I guess I have to shoot something, and since Snake's not here...".

And so it came to pass on that Christmas Day, Liquid Snake wiped the speaker of cliches off the map. He recieved great applause from the rest of the crowd for doing so.

Solidus was sent a tape of all the Saturday Night Live episodes during his presidency. The Patriots love to piss that guy off.

Wolf managed to call off her dogs before Otacon suffered irreversable damage. He promised to neverassume she liked anime again. He bought her a new Christmas gift, but she was too high on diazepam to realize what she got, though it was most likely more diazepam.

The AI Colonel got a pair of scissors. 61!

Random Guard 4 got a new set of contact lenses. This granted him improved vision, and he was shortly thereafter fired from the Next Generation Special Forces, once it was realized he was no longer legally blind.

Mantis hada paid vacation and a trip to John Hopkins Medical Center. He is expected to walk sometime in July.

Ocelot recieved the complete works of Clint Eastwood. Needless to say, the Russian Gunslinger spent Christmas in front of his DVD player.

Sergei Gurlukovich received several cases of vodka, as well as various illegal narcotics. He was shortly thereafter found in a local mall, decrying capitalism and declaring himself the Czarina of Tokyo.

Vamp spent a relaxing Christmas day with the Dolph family. He recieved a band-aid to cover the bigass gunshot in the center of his forhead.

Raven recieved a shirt. This made him very happy, as it was the first shirt he ever owned.

Sam Fisher,who was easilySnake's equal in stupidity,sent Snake a box filled with rabid badgers, unfortunately, he messed up the address. On Christmas day, he should not have opened the box marked "Return to Sender". He spent New Year's with Mantis, at John Hopkins...

Big Boss recieved nothing but death threats (From Liquid). He didn't give a damn.

Gray Fox also recieved coal. In a related story, 50 elves, 12 reigndeer, and one obese man were found recently murdered at the North Pole, dead of various causes including impalement, decapitation, blunt force trauma, strangulation, and in one case, being run over by a sleigh.

Happy Holidays, everyone.
--DarkGidora