Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid.
Also, Nuclear weapons are bad, kids. Tell your parents.
Also, Sorry if this chapter seemsa little rushed. I couldn't really think of anything to write for the tank battle.

As we last left our hero (before the holiday season), he had beat FOX-Hound's homicidal Russian mercenary, only to run into FOX-Hound's homicidal Eskimo mercenary. Of course, in the interest of self-preservation, Vulcan Raven had decided to bring a tank to the battle. And so this chapter begins...

"Snake, that M-1 tank has heavy armor, shooting at it is useless." Nastasha Romenenko said over the codec.

"Let's see. It's big, and made out of metal... Who'd woulda thought that shooting wouldn't work?!" Snake said. "What other stunning revelations do you have to give?!".

"I would avoid getting hit by it's main gun.".

"Wow. Thank God you told me that, I never would've guess that a Hundred-twenty millimeter hole in my torso would be bad.".

"If you get in close, you should watch out, as it could run over you. This is very bad." The Russian analyst said.

"Nastasha, you are, without parallel, the most idiotic person I've talked to within, uh, however long it was since that guy called about the landmines.".

"Uh, Snake, that was three minutes ago.".

"Yeah, well, uh... shit. I'm surrounded by idiots...".

"Listen, I'm not the one who's life depends upon getting hints about the tank's weak points.".

"True, but all you've given me are it's strengths. It's big, can crush things, and has a hugeass cannon. Any worthwhile advice?!".

"Actually, yes. You got chaff grenades, right?".

"Yup.".

"You can use chaff grenades to jam the tank's main gun, then you can pop a fragmentation grenade down the thing's hatch." Nastasha said, finally giving Snake some good advice.

And so, Snake did as he was told, throwing the chaff grenade, then running headlong at the tank. As he crossed the halfway point of the snowfield, he realized that he forgot something important. In fact, he forgot the most important thing one should remember when using a chaff grenade to jam a tank's 120 millimeter gun. He forgot to pull the pin...

And thus, he managed, once again, to break the surly bonds of gravity, and again, landed headfirst on a hard surface. As he got up shakily, he darted behind another rock formation, this time remembering to pull the pin on the chaff grenade.

As he raced towards the steel behemoth, he pulled out a frag grenade. The gunner's hatch on the tank popped open, and the gunner (Faceless Guard number 167) began spraying the area in front of him with fire from his M2 machine gun. Of course, he was a Genome Soldier, so as long as he did the firing, Snake had nothing to fear.

Snake popped the grenade down the hatch, and instead of throwing it back, the guard continued to waste ammo missing Snake. As the grenade blew up, the guard was launched into the air,sailing over Snake's head.

"DAMN! STEVE!!" Another soldier yelled within the tank. Faceless Guard number 247 pulled himself through the hatch, and proceeded to decide to claim vengeance for his fallen friend. As he squeezed the trigger, Snake leapt to the side. Unfortunately, Faceless Guard 167 was not dead yet. In fact, he might've gotten better had FG 247 not punched about three dozen .50 caliber holes in his upper torso.

After accidently shredding his buddy with a machine gun, Faceless 247 blinked, looked climbed back into the tank, and curled himself into a fetal ball position. "Jesus. Great, we're running out of guards." Raven said to the tank driver, as he grabbed the last of the Genomes he had on supply, and shoved him through the hatch.

"We'll see how you like this." Faceless Guard 927 grabbed the machine gun, trying to intimidate Snake. Unfortunately, while the terrorists in the armored vehicle were talking, Snake managed to toss another grenade down the hatch. Like parachute beta testers and insane people who believe they could fly before him, Faceless 927 experienced the wonders of flight, seconds before landing in a boneless heap on the ground.

Snake looked at the corpse, stealing, the man's credit cards and some chewing gum. He also found another keycard, this time level 3, higher than what the Chief and Baker had given him. As he left, he began to ponder what he would find in the Nuke Storage building. Well, definately not Raven. I mean, he must've been destroyed when the grenade turned his tank into a giant hunk of scrap. He's dead.

Of course, common sense hadn't had much practice that day, so as soon as Snake entered the building, the commander's hatch on the tank popped open. Speaking over a CODEC, the man named Raven said "Boss, yeah, he got the card.".

The Evil British Voice (tm) "Good. We'll play with him a little while longer.".

"Yeah, he blew up a tank with a combination of useless advice and hand grenades. I'd say we shouldn't underestimate him." Raven spoke the understatement of the year.

"Dudes! No one told me we had three-way calling on this thing!" Ocelot said, cutting in to the evil conversation.

"So, General Ivan, I heard you couldn't beat him. If you meet him again, I'll lend a HAND! Nyahahahaha!" Raven said, thinking he was the cleverest man alive. Oh, how very wrong he was.

"Dude, your puns suck. And one question, why do you carry that bigass Gatling gun? Compensating for something?" Ocelot said over the radio.

"Wow, I've never hear that line before. Very original." The Eskimo replied, sarcastically.

"Both of you, shut it! You're both assholes, if you ask me!" The boss said over the radio.

"Listen Blondie, at least I didn't get crap genes from a vicious bastard father." Raven said.

"Ooooo, burn." Ocelot said, laughing.

"I'll admit, it was a pretty good burn... for someone who has the same range of emotions as a 2x4.".

"What did you just say?!".

"Face it, a documentary on the indigenous wildlife of the Alaskan tundra is more interesting to listen to than you.".

"Okay Liquid, stay wherever you are! I'm going to crush your skull!".

"Bring it!".

"Idiots..." Ocelot said as he signed off.

Inside the Nuclear Warhead Storage building, Snake faced his greatest foe yet, a blast door, halfway closed. Crawling under it, Snake prepared to whip out he SOCOM and deal with the guards. He found he couldn't. His CODEC began ringing.

"Snake, you cannot use your weapons in that area, it's filled with deactivated nukes." Campbell said.

"Don't worry Colonel, I've programmed the nanomachines to keep him from firing at all." Naomi chimed in. Luckily, she opted to not give a lecture on how the tiny robots she injected into him could prevent him from pulling a trigger.

"Why the Hell can't I shoot!" Snake said.

"You see, that area is filled with deactivated nuclear missiles. A rupture in one of the warheads could be catastrophic.".

"Right, so I assume If I get spotted, the guards won't shoot?" Snake said.

"Nope, they'll still fire indiscriminately at your general area. Also, they'll flood the entire area with poison gas".

"That sounds pretty fair." Snake declared sarcastically. "Any other bad news?".

"Yep, if you need any more info, talk to Nastasha.".

"C'mon. What's she going to tell me?" Snake said, grinding his teeth. "Nukes are bad?".

"C'mon Snake, Nastasha is an expert with nuclear weapons. I'm sure you could learn a lot about them from her." Naomi said, helping out her fellow inane-speech sayer.

"Fine." The soldier grumbled as he changed the frequency.

"I can see you are in a building with nuclear weapons. Nukes are very bad. I hate nukes. Don't trust anyone who says that they aren't." Nastasha said as Snake viewed his prophecy come true.

"Uh, I finally see your point in the game..." Snake said, glad he finally figured something out. "You're a stand in for Hideo Kojima as he denounces nuclear weapons."

"Wow, it only took you, uh, six chapters. Very good." Nastasha said as she signed off the codec.

And so, after passing by 2 more visually impaired guards, Snake made it to the elevator. And thus he began his further descent into stupidity.