Disclaimer: Metal Gear Solid is property of Konami. Does anyone even read this anymore?

Didn't Think so.

Chapter 9

"Snake, you haven't contacted us in a while." Campbell said, via CODEC, to his reluctant lackey. "I need you to get this over with quickly.".

"Colonel, I can explain..." Snake started, but he was promptly cut off.

"Snake, if your explanation has anything to do with tequila, cheap hookers in the Swiss Alps, the Japanese Mafia, and Tony Danza, I don't want to hear it.".

"Uh..." Snake said, trying to think of a new excuse. "I uh... well, you see, the author's been busy, engaging in brutal vigilante raids on the violent criminal underbelly of his town. Or playing Ace Combat 5. Or looking for a damn job. Or whatever the hell he does when he gets free time.".

"Oh yeah Snake, blame it on the author." Campbell said, wishing Snake had stuck with his Tony Danza excuse. "Stop breaking the fourth wall. This is based off a Hideo Kojima game. Suspension of disbelief is critical.".

"Right." The soldier said, signing off. Idiot.

And thus, Snake began exploring B-1 of the Nuclear Warhead Storage building. Turning to either side, he spotted something extraordinary. He quickly called Campbell back.

"Colonel, I just noticed something strange!" He said excitedly over his magical radio.

"What is it Snake! Did you finally connect the dots between the injection Naomi gave you and the trail of people you've 'rescued', who've died from heart attacks after some soul crushingly dense narrative!". Damn, that's the twist in the plot. If he figures it out, all the physical emotional torment that the script calls for him to go through won't happen, and I'll lose my bet, Campbell thought grimly. Unbeknownst to Snake, the Colonel, Naomi, and Liquid Sna- er, I mean Master Miller had bet each other on when Snake would figure out the horrible secret.

"What? No, I was just thinking, the only rest rooms I've seen in the facility are these, and the ones in the cellblock. So, do the guards and FOX-HOUNDers have to traipse through 9 miles of deathtraps and snow just to go to the john, or do they hold it?" Snake said. Campbell breathed a sigh of relief. Not only had the deadly Black Ops agent laid his fears to rest, he managed to leave the impression that he wouldn't figure it out for a long, long time.

"Oh, don't worry about it. Just sneak into the bathroom and snap some guards' necks, for freedom stuff. Buh-bye now." Campbell said, hanging up.

Makes sense, I guess. And thus Snake snuck into the men's restroom, snapped the neck of Faceless Guard number 172, who had been washing his hands. Of course, just like everyone, when washing his hands, he was totally oblivious to deadly assassins sneaking up on him.

After having waxed FG 172, Snake spotted yet another guard on his radar. Snake quickly did what any Special Forces soldier would do in his situation. Hide in a box.

From the safety of his cardboard box, Snake watched as Faceless guard 194 stared at FG 172's corpse for five minutes, walked over, bent down slowly and took a pulse. Snake flipped off his box, and proceeded to kung fu FG 194's ass. Lucky for him, FG 194 was like everyone, when checking the pulse of a possibly deceased comrade when there was an intruder on base, he was totally oblivious to Black Ops agents leaping out of boxes and punching him in the face.

Finally, he equipped his trusty cardboard box (which, for all intents and purposes might as well have been Sauron's fricking ring with it's invisibilty granting powers), and went for the last faceless guard. Unfortunately, with no bodies to distract him, FG 666 realized that the box Snake had was marked "Heliport". Obviously, a heliport box would only be at a heliport, so an inturder must've been using the box as a disguise. Yep, Faceless guards have all the acuteness of Helen Keller, but they easily have leaps of logic that Evel Kinevel would be afraid to make.

And thus, one quick radio call later, a bunch more guards appeared from nowhere, and proceeded to try and kill the hell out of Snake. Gunfire was exchanged. Guards were torn apart like it was Madness Combat, without a Sheriff or Jesus. Unfortunately, Snake's moment of glory was cut short. After taking a few rounds to the chest, Snake fell to the ground, everything growing black. As he faded out, he saw his beloved box. It too, had taken a shot.

The moral of this story is, if you want to live, don't shoot a cardboard box belonging to Solid Snake. Filled with a rage more than demonical, he got up and blasted all the guards to hell. Then shot them a few more times, just because he was pissed off. His CODEC rang.

"YEAH!" He growled.

"Uh, Snake, um, you seem to have been shot in the chest." Naomi said, pondering how the hell anyone could get up after having his lungs shredded. "I'd say you should be dead.".

"They shot my box." Snake said. His rage had subsided. Now, only sadness remained.

"Right, I'd think some packing tape would fix that. As for you, I'd say you'd need hours of extensive reconstructive surgery, and months, maybe years of therapy." Naomi said. So, he kills hundreds of people with out remorse, yet gets real pissed off if you damage a fricken cheap cardboard box. Idiot.

"Uh, Naomi, I don't have time for surgery, and I think the blood loss is getting to me.".

"Oh, well, do you have a ration?" the Doctor said.

Picking one off the corpse of one of assault team guards, he said "Uh, yeah, but how is that going to help me, uh, not die?".

"Just trust me. Eat the ration." You've still got 10 more hours of antinuclear, antiscientific babble, interrupted by insane violence, to go.

And so Snake ate the ration, and Lo, his health was restored. "Wait. I ate a military ration. How the hell does that heal what should've been an instantly fatal wound?".

"Magic, I guess.".

"Wait, no long winded discourse on the how it effects my genes?".

"Nope, I just guess you're kinda like Wolverine, except you only heal when you eat.".

"Cooooooooooooooooool. Do I have claws?" Snake said, excitedly.

"Um, I'm a trained medical professional, and I'd say the best way to find out is to just carry on with your mission and eventually die of a certain death virus." Naomi said, then signed off.

And thus Snake began pillaging the B-1 area. The only door he could open with his keycard contained something that was in every game ever: A shoulder-fired missile launcher. He decided, partially because he was giddy at the thought of his mutant healing ability, to call Nastasha and ask for the specifics of the weapon.

"That is a remote-controlled reconnaissance missile, or Nikita. I could bore you on the details, but I need this time to talk about nukes." Snake clicked off. He figured "remote-controlled" was all he needed to know. And despite the fact that he was carrying over 20 rockets and a launcher, he wasn't slowed down at all.

As he left the Nikita room, he saw one of the dead guards stand up. Before he could ask, the guard explained. "I am Faceless Guard 666. Because DarkGidora felt like being random, I have been granted otherworldly powers. You stand no chance. You will die now, muwhahahahahahahahahah..."

Because Snake was busy, he just slapped a block of C-4 to FG 666's chest. One detonator press later, and FG 666 was decorating the walls. Of course, his amazingly intact head kept taunting Snake.

"Ow, damn. That really stings. But no matter, your death is inevitable. You can't stop me with your pathetic hu-man weapons, hu-man! I am Faceless Guard 666, leader of the legions of Baal! Captain of Hades! Head somethingorother of Lucifer! Kneel before me!.".

Snake punted the head into a wall, just for kicks. "C'mon man. Head "Something or other?" Not to mention Baal, Hades, and Lucifer are all from different religions. You're making this up. You sound as stupid as the writers for the Sci-Fi channel." Snake said, wondering why he was even wasting his time on the reject.

But FG 666 was unfazed by this. "Nevertheless Solid Snake, I will destroy you! Muwhahahaha...". He then rolled over to Snake's foot, tapping it lightly. Obviously, that just annoyed our hero. Sighing, he lifted the head up, carried it to the restroom, and dumped it in the sink.

"You think your mortal sink can stop me Snake! I will be here long after your bones are dust!". Snake turned the faucet on. "You think your water affects me! You will die screaming, begging for deliverance!".

Of course, when you live in a Una-bomber style cabin in Twin Lakes, Alaska, there's not much to do most of the time. Snake had rented a certain horror flick from the local Blockbuster, and when that branch was destroyed by an avalanche, he didn't feel the need to return it, and so watched it whenever it was too cold to go outside. And his repeated viewings helped, as Snake began chanting. "The power of Christ compels you!" over and over. And because the author decided to end this chapter soon, the head of Faceless Guard 666 blew up, without vomiting green gunk or saying evil things, and without Snake needing to recite Bible passages or have assistance from a young priest.

And thus, Snake boarded the elevator to floor B-2. Stepping off, he passed through the glass doors, before noticing the air turned yellow and wavy, and he couldn't breathe. Again he received a call.

"Snake, uh, there's poison gas in the area. I'd use a gasmask, if I wasn't in a Darth Vaderesque mecha shell." The voice on the other end said. It was the mysterious contact Snake had heard from before the tank battle.

"So, my old friend Deepthroat. Not a fan of the ladies, huh?".

"Stop it! I'm not gay! Just a masochistic cyborg in a disturbingly tight exosuit!".

"I'm just joking. Christ, my name's 'Solid Snake'. I don't meet a lot of guys with a more ennui-laden name than mine. I just can't resist the opportunity." Snake said, walking forward. He was having such as good time mocking out his contact, he didn't notice the sparking metal grating in front of him.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappppppppp!

"Ouch. That hurt." Snake said to his friend.

"Yeah, the floor is an electrical grid. You'd need a remote controlled missile to blow out the generator. I would've warned you, but no, you had to mock out good old Deepthroat.".

"Ah, I guess that would explain things. Buh-bye." Our incompetent moron of a protagonist said, switching frequencies, calling up Meryl.

"Hey Snake, ready for another round of work-related phone sex?" Meryl said, taking off her mask.

"Uh, not right now, I kinda need a gasmask before I suffocate, and I'd really like to know where they are.".

"Ah Snake, they're on your floor, past the electrical grid. Guess you have to blow up the generator while fighting off the cold embrace of death. Sure you don't want to flirt?" Meryl said, hope filling her eyes.

"Once... I... can... breathe... again...".

And thus, he began using his remote controlled missiles against that damn generator. And yes, he failed miserably at blowing it up, mainly due to the security cameras with chainguns mounted on them that served as security for the area. After wasting 12 missles, and 15 minutes, he finally succeeded in blasting the generator, largely because the guncams had run out of ammo. So, after dragging his oxygen-deprived carcass over the metal grating, he finally found a gasmask.

And thus, he learned a valuable life lesson: a gasmask doesn't work if you don't have any air left in your lungs. So he valiantly staged a strategic retreat, having hallucinated a giant rat chasing him. Passing through the glass doors he entered, he finally could breathe actual oxygen.

And thus, able to breathe again, and noticing that there really was no giant rat, he went back down the corridor, gasmask on his face. Turning to his left at the end of the corridor, he found a door covered in graffiti, mainly pertaining to it being the lab of Baker's tech guy, Hal Emmerich.

Hm. Baker told me that his tech guy, Hal Emmerich, was the guy I was should save next. Maybe someone in here knows where to find him. And thus, Snake journeyed on, unaware of the sheer badassedry he would soon be fighting.

Author's note: Sorry it took so long to update. I've been busy (Ace Combat and a job hunt take up more time than you'd think, and homework takes the rest.), and spring break just started for my school. Ah well, I promise I'll get the next chapter up sooner. Anyways, thanks to all my reviewers, you've been great.