Disclaimer: Yep, MGS is still Konami's property, not mine. And I didn't invent 1337 speech (Thank God).

"Colonel, that ninja is Gray Fox." Our hero said, condensing the last chapter into one handy sentence.

"C'mon Snake, you killed him remember? After you blew up Metal Gear last time, he had the brilliant 'Have a brawl with the deadliest man in the world in the middle of a minefield' idea?".

At that point, Naomi Hunter, our resident hot British chick and psychopathic geneticist chimed in. "Actually, I've been lying to you both all along. That ninja is Fox.".

"Wait a minute. I get the fact that he was resurrected as a cyborg, that's that's practically mandatory for a Sci-Fi/Action game. But why make him a ninja?" Snake asked. "A cyborg is dangerous. A ninja is dangerous. But a cyborg ninja, that's just going really, really overboard.".

"Well, my predecessor, Doctor Clark, decided to try out some gene therapy experiments, and he decided that a random corpse recovered from the fall of Zanzibar land would be as good as any other. After watching a bunch of Akira Kurosawa flicks while in a drunken haze, Clark decided that bringing the corpse back to life as a ninja would be way cooler than if he was just brought back as a cyborg.". She said.

Taking a deep breath, she spoke again. "That evil bastard Clark experimented on Frankie for four years, before a fire broke out, killing everything in the lab, including Fox, or so it seemed. Of course, someone had to let Fox out to start the fire, but I have no idea who it could be. No clue whatsoever. None. Nada.".

"So. Not only do I have a cyborg ninja on my hands, but I have a vengeance crazed, undead, Spec Ops trained cyborg ninja. A word of warning could've been useful.".

"Yes, but c'mon, I didn't tell you because it's classified. No other reason at all. No other cause whatsoever. None. Nada.".

"I assume, seeing as how both of you are still alive, he'll show up again." Campbell said, stating yet another pretty obvious thing.

"Yes Snake, you'll most likely fight him again. I hope you don't have to kill him, but that's not because he's related to me." Naomi chimed in.

"Eh, sure, he tried to crush me into paste with a giant robot, and then punched my face in for a while before I tossed him into a bunch of bombs, but we're still friends. I don't want to kill him." Realizing he was sounding like an ass, he switched topics. "Ah well, I'll just examine this whimpering locker over here." Snake said, signing off the CODEC and approaching Emmerich's locker.

"W-who's there? Are you a terrorist?" the locker said.

"No. Come out of the locker.". The scientist obliged. And thus he began limping across the room. "What happened?" Snake asked.

"Oh, in traveling2 feet from the corner of the room to the locker, I twisted my ankle.".

"Wow. That's um... kind of impressive. You're Hal Emmerich, Metal Gear REX's designer, right?" Snake said.

"Yeah, I'm Baker's 1337 designer. How did you know that?".

"Meryl and Baker told me, but that's not important. I just need to interrogate you about Metal Gear for a while before you die.".

"Before I die? What r u talking about?" Emmerich said, unaware of the tragic, cholesterol-induced deaths of Baker and the DARPA Chief.

"Nothing. Anyways, what is Metal Gear designed for?" Our hero said, despite the fact that he had two previous encounters with Metal Gear and he was completely aware of what it was designed for.

"Oh, it's designed to fight. Fight for everlasting peace! It uses missiles and railguns to turn incoming nuclear warheads into comicallyoversized sombrerosand other happy stuff.". That was the point when Snake began choking Emmerich. Choking someone is a great stress reliever, y'know.

"LIAR! I already know Metal Gear is designed to launch nuclear warheads to turn cities into radioactive slag! I was just asking rhetorically!".

"What! Nuclear weapons are bad! They hurt people! I didn't know!" Emmerich said, looking downcast.

"So, you designed a weapon of unparalleled destructive might, but you did it on accident!" Snake said, beginning to feel happy. With this nerd around, nobody's gonna accuse me of being stupid.

"Uh yeah. I hate nuclear weapons. They're bad. So very bad." Emmerich said. For a minute, Snake considered having Nastasha and Emmerich talk over the CODEC and see who's head would implode first, but he had things to get done first.

"So, not only do you not have a shocking plot revelation, I had to tell you a shocking plot revelation. Thanks for wasting my time." Snake said. Yeah, it took Baker and the DARPA chief 50 minutes to get to the point, whereupon they had heart attacks, but this idiot isn't dead yet. I hate humanity.

Emmerich decided to make it up to Snake. "Now it's time for the sad story of my life. Well, one of the many sad stories of my life. I'll leave out my bipolar sister, slutty stepmom, and the serial killer whom I love for the time being."

"Uh, I. Wait, stepmom! Yeah, I think it would be good to skip that part for now.".

"Alright, fine. My grandfather helped make the A-bomb, and my Father was born on the day of the Hiroshima bomb. Also, my pet goldfish died of radiation poisoning, and my cat choked on the goldfish. When my uncle Stanislaus was young, he died during a school atom bomb drill when his desk fell on him. Nuclear weapons have plagued my family.".

"So has stupidity. Christ, I'm calling Meryl, she can babysit you.".

"Hi Snake, I see you beat the ninja. Was it a Flawless Victory?".

"Meryl, enough with the Mortal Kombat references, that was last chapter. I need you to look after Emmerich. Bring some paper towel as well.".

"Sure thing, Sna-".

"HEY! THERE SHE IS!" Faceless Guard number what the fuck, I lost count said.

"Uh, Snake, gotta go. Apparently, time only freezes with your CODEC." Meryl said, signing off and then running.

Snake shouted various obscenities, and Emmerich lamented the fact that he was the closest thing to Aquaman-level uselessness on the heroes' side. Yet he came up with a plan nonetheless.

"I have an idea. The person you're looking for is the mildly psychotic woman with the nice ass, right?".

"Yeah." Snake said, beginning to like the scientist's way of thinking.

"How about you hide near the woman's bathroom and wait for her? I mean, of course all the terrorists on B-1 are looking for a women with a nice ass, but they'd never think about posting someone near the Lady's room.".

Presented with this fairly sound plan, Snake said "Well, I'm off to save a chick in distress. I think it's time for you to fork over your keycard and have a heart attack.".

"What!".

"C'mon, everybody's doing it.".

"Erm... Fine." The nerd said, giving up his keycard and waiting for cardiac arrest. Nothing happened.

"Damn. It usually works." Snake said, shaking his head. Since Emmerich was still alive, Snake had to forget about stealing his wallet. "Ah well, thank's anyways, Doc.".

"Call me Otacon.".

"What?".

"It stands for Otaku Convention. You see, I'm an anime geek, so I decided to give myself a kind of cool sounding name that means 'gathering of geeks'.".

"Right..." Snake said, hoping, for his sanity's sake, that Otacon would just stop there. But, not everybody can get what they want.

"Y'know, I became a scientist because I wanted to build anime style robots. And then send them out to seek bloody vengeance against the football jocks from High School. I kind of just fell into this particular gig.".

"Wow. That's like, even more retarded than you building a Metal Gear thinking it would END nuclear tensions. By the way, how are you planning to avoid getting caught?"

"Oh, I invented stealth camo, like the one the ninja was wearing.".

"Yeah punk? I got a cardboard box. Beat that, bitch.". It was Otacon's turn to awkwardly consider what Snake said.

"Right, can you get going? I need to change my pants. My CODEC frequency is 141.12. Call if you need any advice on the base." Otacon said.

Turning around, Snake exited Otacon's lab, passed through the poison gas hallway, used his new keycard to rob a bulletproof vest, more bombs, and a set of Night Vision Goggles from the genome army, and boarded the elevator to go back to floor B-1. And then, he noticed one amazing thing.

Wow, cool theme song. Our protagonist thought, as a choir creepily voiced one of the coolest pieces of VG background music ever. Now, if you or I were to wait for Meryl to be alone, you'd hide behind the pillar just outside the women's restroom like a creepy stalker. But not Snake, who opted to stand in the middle of the hallway waiting for the door to the main B-1 office to open.

"Are you Meryl?".

"The intruder!".

BLAM!

"Hey, I heard something." Faceless guard 718 said.

"Are you Meryl?".

"Who the fuck are you! Wait, why's Faceless Guard 52 lying in a puddle of his brain matter and blood!".

BLAM!

Finally, a significantly more feminine guard walked out.

"Are you Meryl?".

Instead of just saying yes, Meryl decided to yell out "Flee!"and then run to the women's restroom for no apparent reason. Snake, none to bright, raised his SOCOM, took aim, and...

Click.

Wait, out of ammo? Fucking plot contrivances. Reloading his .45, Snake rushed after the guard, running into the women's bathroom, awaiting wonders beyond parallel. He was let down.. Wait. This is just the men's room without urinals. Gypped.

Walking to the far end of the restroom, Snake slowly pointed his gun towards the last, open stall. And found... an empty NSGF uniform. Yep, Meryl had enough time to take off all her gear in the 3 seconds it took for Snake to follow her.

"Freeze!" Meryl shouted jokingly. So, in the three seconds that it took for Snake to follow her, she not only managed to change her clothes to a black tanktop and different pants, but also was invisible to Snake's magic radar, and managed to somehow sneak up on the vastly more skilled assassin.

Snake yelled "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" and then whipped around and prepared to squeeze the trigger on Meryl. Then, the final pieces of the puzzle clicked into position in his brain. "Oh, Meryl... hi.".

"Hiya Snake. I managed to sneak up on you again.".

"Yeah, pretty much." Snake said. "So... what's new?".

"Nothing.".

"Ah. Hey, you got a tattoo." Snake said, pointing to the FOX-HOUND insignia on her arm.

"Yeah, I was a big fan of FOX-HOUND. Not now, when it's made up of freaks with superpowers, I liked it years ago, when you and my uncle killed freaks with superpowers. You guys were heroes.".

"Naw. I just like killing people." our hero quipped. It was a philosophy close to DarkGidora's heart as well.

"That's horrible.".

"Yeah, I'm a horrible sociopath, et cetera, et cetera. Why didn't you call me when the guards stopped chasing you?".

"The CODEC was broken.".

And so, our hero began to think. Okay, a CODEC is a magic radio that shows a person's face and freezes time when I use it, but not when Meryl uses it. It is implanted in a subject's skull. And in a gunfight, Meryl's was broken. Yet she is still alive. Data confliction. Fatal error... rebooting... rebooting... rebooting...

"Uh, you okay Snake?".

"What! Oh, yeah. I'm fine. As long as... you're not a zombie, are you?" Snake said, wishing he had a boomstick.

"What! No!".

"Sorry, just checking. I had a bad experience during a vacation I took in Raccoon City. And that time in Crystal Lake. And that time I ran into 4 potheads and their Great Dane, but that was just a guy in a mask.".

"Oh. Anyways, how did you find me?".

"I looked for the soldier with the hot ass.".

"Uh, okay, you can differentiate between the genders by looking at their asses. That's vaguely disturbing.".

In Hell again, Big Boss grumbled to anyone who could hear "Hey, lay off the boy. At least he can't tell men apart by package size. Fucking Volgin.".

Back in the women's restroom, Snake was also unapologetic about his 'skill'. "Yeah. Well, I'm sorry. Every woman in this goddamn game is hot. I get my mind set on things like this.".

"Uh, right... can we get back to business?".

"Yeah. We have to get to Metal Gear's secret underground maintenance base, and Baker said he gave you the card keys to deactivate Metal Gear's launch.".

"Yep, here it is. The one card key." Meryl said, pulling a black and yellow card out of her shirt.

"Wait. There were supposed to be three of them. Great, now I do have to get my ass punted around by a giant robot this game. Anyways, how did you manage to keep guards from finding the key?".

"Well, women have more hiding places than men..."

"Okay, you see, that's what I'd like to call 'too much information'. Now, when I'm fighting Black Manta or Skeletor or whoever the fuck is on the FOX-HOUND roster, I'll be thinking dirty thoughts, and then WHAM, the badguy'll kill me.".

"Uh, sorry. Ah well, let's get moving. The commander's room leads to the path that will take us to the base. And luckily, the most inept guard in the game had a level five keycard. So when I kicked his ass, I singlehandedly got a better card than Otacon, Baker, the DARPA Chief, and that one guy you blasted out of a tank had.".

"Okaaaaaay, that strikes me as odd, giving a high level keycard to Johnny freakin' Sasaki. Anyways, you ditched your FAMAS. What are you going to shoot people with?".

"This." Meryl said, whipping out one of the most ridiculously overpowered handguns of all time. "A Desert Eagle .50 caliber.".

Obviously, Snake didn't realize the numerous advantages that a gun with less recoil and larger clip size had, so he offered a trade."Gimme that gun, you can have my .45.".

"No, I stole it from the armory, keep your SOCOM.".

"Give it to me. My precioussssssss...".

"Listen. I've used magnums since I was a little girl. I'm more comfortable with this than with a bra.".

"Tricksy Merylsessssss... another too much informationsesssssssss...".

"Fuck. Let's just get going. There's a box in the offices that you can steal.".

"Box! Sweet!" Snake said, snapping out of his Gollum-style idiocy, and into his 3rd grader-style idiocy.

And so, after Snake raided the Genome army's supplies (for the umpteenth billion time) getting more rations, another fuckload of ammo, and the promised cardboard box, he and Meryl headed North towards the Commander's room.

"Y'know Meryl, that bitchingly sweet background music just disappeared...".

On the next exciting chapter, Snake and Meryl will face lunacy, mayhem, more blatant innuendos than a Bond film, and a floating anorexic in bondage gear.

Fun for the whole family.