Disclaimer: Y'know the drill. MGS and all characters therein belong to Konami.
"Snake, what's that? Wolves?" Meryl said, talking about the creepy howling far off in the distance. After beating the bondage telepath Psycho Mantis, Snake and Meryl headed through the hidden bookcase door and ended up... in a cave.
"Hmm... I'd actually say they're wolf-dogs, bred to race, however they were eventually banned. So somebody sold them all to the Taco Bell corporation." Our hero said, glad to encounter a subject he was a relative expert on.
"I thought that Chihuahuas were the mascot?".
"Jesus Christ, Meryl, they sent a breed of bad-tasting and bloodthirsty animals to a fast-food restaurant. Do the math."
"Okay, I see. So what your saying is that my chalupa is made out of... puppies.".
"Better than the time Wendy's advertised Soylent Green...".
"Snake, how do you know this much?".
"I was planning on racing in the Iditarod this weekend, but yeah, the whole 'kidnap me out of my home and force me to fight a giant robot' thing happened.".
"Oh. Anyways, I know you're the only one here who knows anything about sled dogs, but I think I should blindly rush ahead through this cave and leave you high and dry..." And so she did...
Of course, now Snake was alone, in a cold, wet, dark cave, with just some eerie howling to keep him company. For the first time in the game, he made a decent leap of logic and realized he might not have been in the best position.
"Yeah Snake?" Master Miller asked over the CODEC. Before Snake could respond, Master immediately started a tirade. "I see you beat Mantis. Good work. All according to plan. Anyways, I guess your in a cave. It's dark in there.".
"Uh, yeah Master. I kinda think that's obvious.".
"I suggest you stay in the shadows until your eyes adjust to the darkness, then walk forward and hope that there are no moderately bright lights in your way to blind you.".
"I have night vision goggles.".
"Yeah, but my way's much more convoluted." Master said.
"Uh, Master, the reason I called is... I was just thinking. This cave is full of wolves, or a reasonable facsimile thereof.".
"Yes. Alaskan Wolf Dogs. Bred to be as physically capable as a wolf, but as loyal as a dog. They mostly ended up as tough as a wolf, and as loyal as a Russian Cowboy...".
"I know that. I'm the one who's trying to get become the world's greatest sled dog musher, remember? I told you it was my life-long dream during Zanzibar.".
"Uh, yeah, of course I remember. Yep, this is me, remembering your life-long dream you told me at Zanzibar. Where I walked you through your mission, me, Master Miller...".
"Back to my question, there's a bunch of wolves, and FOX-HOUND's sharpshooter is named, well, Sniper Wolf. You don't think I'll be fighting her, do you?".
"Snake, c'mon. You think that the plot would be that simple? I mean, come on. Were you attacked by jungle cats before fighting Ocelot? Did you get attacked by birds when Raven chased you in his tank? Movie studios when you fought Fox? A bunch of bugs when you killed Mantis?".
"No...".
"Then there. No reason at all to suspect that Wolf is going to be trying to incapacitate Meryl as soon as you clear the caves.".
"Alright, I kinda gotta go. I have a plot to advance." Snake said, vaguely suspicious of Master's odd word choice.
"Good. Anyways, remember; you should avoid gaming for 15 minutes after you eat.".
"Uh, I think that's swimming. Either way, now I know...".
"...And knowing is half the battle. Yo Joe!".
"Right... okay... that's strange. Buh-bye now...".
And so, at villain HQ, right after the conversation, Liquid, Raven, and Ocelot shared a hearty laugh at Snake's expense.
Meanwhile, Meryl Silverburgh was standing near the exit doors to the cave. She waited fifteen minutes for Snake, getting slightly worried when she heard Snake yell out fifteen variations of the word "Fuck" in under a minute, followed by a series of loud explosions and gunfire. She was about to give up hope that he survived, when Snake squeezed himself through a crawlspace. Our hero did look like a refugee from a George Romero film, as he was covered in bitemarks. "Hi." Meryl said to the (as usual) half-dead mercenary.
"MERYL!" Snake said, pulling the pin on a hand grenade. Meryl was surrounded by three vicious wolf-dogs, which were... just standing there like normal dogs.
"Oh, these guys, Snake? I was just walking here, and these nice little dogs followed me. Wait, what's with the grenade?" Snake told Meryl to step back, and she did. And Snake tossed the grenade at the dogs.
Of course, one of the most basic tricks dogs learn is 'fetch'. So the closest dog picked the grenade up in it's mouth, walked over to Snake, set the explosive down, and then after it had returned to it's original position outside the blast radius...
BOOM!
"Ow...".
"Uh, Snake, you okay there?".
"I'll be fine. Just dropped that new cardboard box I got.".
"Uh... Snake, is it the box marked 'Nuclear Warhead Storage'?".
"Yeah, why?".
"Uh, that one little wolf seems to think it's his.".
"Fuck the dog, I'm taking it back.". That was when the little wolf dog proceeded to follow Otacon's example and empty his bladder... on Snake's box.
"Uh, he seems to have 'claimed' it, if you know what I mean. Hehehe, still want that box, Snake? Wait, what're you doing with that gun?". Of course, we all know what happens when you mess with a box belonging to Solid Snake.
BLAM!
Meryl was shocked. "Snake, that's just a puppy! Stop it, you sick bastard.".
Luckily for our heroine and the puppy, for reasons known only to Hideo Kojima, wolf-dog pups are completely immune to everything. So, after five minutes of firing his SOCOM, Snake remarked "Why. Won't. This. God. Damn. Wolf. Dog. Pup. Die?".
"Uh, Snake, don't you think we should get going?".
"No, I just want to see. Is this thing made out of liquid metal or something?".
"Snake... what would you rather do, stare at my ass while I walk towards the communication tower, or avenge your precious box?". That got Snake's attention. Leaving the box to the remaining wolves, Snake and Meryl headed through the pair of double doors to the North...
Stepping out into yet another snow covered landscape, Snake and Meryl looked up at the ginormous Communications Tower in front of them. Snake took a step forward, when Meryl shouted out "Snake, this area's mined! St-!"
BOOM!
"Uh, sorry. Guess I should've told you before we came here. Now, I have an idea. When Mantis dove into my mind, I saw where the minds were placed. Now despite the stressful environment, the fact I feel like someone used me for Kung Fu practice, and the horrible acts of animal cruelty I just saw, I still remember the exact safe path through the mines.". Meryl then proceeded to walk, without incident, through the minefield.
Snake, who by this time, was beginning to feel that Meryl was still trying to kill him, thought about following her slowly disappearing footprints in the snow. Then he recalled the fact that he could just toss on his thermal goggles, disarm the landmines, and then add them to his extensive collection of things he looted from the NSGF. After he did so, they continued on, until Meryl stopped.
"Hey, Snake look at this! A shiny red light! Oooh pretty." She said, obviously forgetting the fact that all snipers in fiction need to have a laser pointer to announce their presence. And so, Sniper Wolf slowly took aim at Meryl. Very slowly. So very slowly. By that I mean, it took Wolf roughly fifteen minutes to aim from Meryl's chest to her right knee.
"Uh, Meryl, I think you should, y'know, take cover...".
"Why?" Our heroine asked.
BANG!
"Oh... that's why. Sorry about that... wait... OH JESUS! MY KNEECAP!" Meryl screamed. Within five seconds, the sniper managed to shoot Meryl's other leg, her gun-holding arm, and the FOX-HOUND logo tattoo she had. Pretty good for a sharpshooter that took a half hour to zero in on Meryl's leg.
Fortunately, our protagonist had been wise enough to dive behind a concrete wall. "Damn!" Snake yelled, that word quickly becoming a catchphrase.
"Hmm... apparently the foreshadowing in Chapter 6 has come full circle. So, to keep the plot going... Snake... go on... without me..." Meryl said as sad music began to play. Of course, not even Snake was idiotic enough to push on ahead with FOX-HOUND's deadly markswomen aiming for him. Of course, whenever Snake was indecisive, his old war buddy, Colonel Roy Campbell was there to tell him to get off his ass and do something.
"Uh, Snake, now that my niece has been shot and is bleeding profusely in plain view of the deadliest sniper ever, I suggest you backtrack to the beginning of the base to get a sniper rifle." Campbell said.
"Sounds like a plan." our hero said. Obviously, chivalry was not one of Snake or Campbell's strong suits.
With a quick "I'll be back." Snake ran through the double doors and back into the wolf-dog cave. There, he found an interesting sight.
All the dogs had gathered around the cardboard box Snake had abandoned, little heart shaped icons appearing above their heads. "What the hell?".
Over the CODEC, Snake received another message from Master. "Snake. Dogs hunt by scent. So despite the fact your normal cardboard box trick didn't work, wolf-dogs quickly fall in love with cardboard boxes soaked in urine, throwing any and all rationality to the wind.".
"That's quite strange...".
"Hey, between the bald psychic, the incredibly hot women all around you, and the fact that Meryl just stood there like a dolt while Wolf aimed at her, I think you can trust me on this one.".
"Okay, but you were the one who told me Wolf wouldn't be waiting for us...".
"Yep, my bad. You should still trust me completely. And by the way. I have a friend in GreenPeace. They disapprove of how you dealt with the wolves.".
"What?".
"Apparently, shooting 12 members of an endangered species is something that ticks environmental groups off...".
"So, on my way to stop nuclear holocaust, the fact that I reenacted Old Yeller while a dog was trying to tear my throat out is worse than, if say, I just sat here and waited while the terrorists nuked the world?".
"Yep.".
"Damnit." Our hero said.
"They say that they'll forgive you if you leave all the credit cards and money you've stolen from the wallets of various hostages who've died of heart attacks on the desk in the commander's room.".
"Seems like a good plan...". Few things terrified our hero than the thought of a pissed off activist group, so he was more than happy to give up the stuff he looted.
Back at Villain HQ...
"Nyahahaha! I told you General Ivan, he fell for it. Pay up." A certain Eskimo Strongman said, referring to the fact that Snake had just been tricked into thinking an environmentalist group had clearance to listen to a Black Ops radio transmission. Raven held out his hand as Ocelot pulled a fifty out of his wallet. Of course, seeing as Ocelot kept his wallet in his right trench coat pocket, and he only had his left hand, he had quite some difficulty extracting the wallet, and even more difficulty extracting Mr. Grant from it. Grumbling something about 'damn idiots' Ocelot solemnly handed his money over to Raven.
"Wait..." Liquid Snake said, as usual, he was standing, his arms crossed and his head bowed, in an attempt to look like he was deep in thought. "So, which one of us gets the stuff that Snake ditches? I mean, with Baker's, Octopus's, and FG 927's credit cards, we each could take one...".
"I have a better idea. We'll have an ear pull contest. Whomever wins gets them all..." Raven said.
"Hate to break this to you Raven, but that's just retarded." Liquid said.
"What about Muktuk eating?".
"No.".
"Russian Roulette?" Ocelot suggested.
"That is also inappropriate.".
So, fifteen minutes later, the FOX-HOUNDers crowded themselves around a table, wagering it all on a high-stakes game of... Monopoly.
"Arrgh! Go directly to jail AGAIN! DAMNIT!".
"Uh, Otacon?".
"Yeah Snake?".
"Do you know where the NSGF stores their spare sniper rifles?".
"Uh yeah, in the armory, where they keep every other weapon in the goddamn game. n00b.".
"Oh.".
"Why do you need a sniper rifle?".
"Well, after ignoring some ominous foreshadowing, Meryl got shot, so I have to get a sniper rifle tofight Sniper Wolf.".
"What! Snake, I think we need to talk..." Otacon said, giving away more CODEC foreshadowing.
"Whatever, floor B-2 of the tank hanger. Thanks Otacon. I'll be sure to remember your help when Ikill Wolf." Snake said, signing off.
"Aw, shit." Otacon said.
And so, after reclaiming his box, Snake journeyed south, giving up his stolen credit cards, killing more guards at the bathroom, passing ghostlike through the Nuclear Warhead storage building, and stepped on yet another landmine when he reached the canyon where he blew up the tank. Apparently, while he was away, someone set up several dozen landmines, as well as a series of gun cameras. So, pulling the pin on a chaff grenade, he ran through the minefield, expertly dodging the blast radii of the mines using his thermal goggles.
Entering the tank hanger again, Snake noticed that the laser grid was off, yet, as usual, his immense good fortune never struck him as odd. Running to the elevator, disembarking on B-2, and murdering some more guards, Snake finally used his level 5 keycard to steal yet another weapon from the NSGF, after ducking under some more laser trip wires. Despite the fact that he was carrying a 18 lb. rifle, an 8 lb. rifle, a 3 lb. handgun, a rocket launcher, several metric tons of military rations, cigarettes, keycards, an MO disk, chewing gum, thermal goggles, binoculars, two cardboard boxes big enough for him to hide in, and enough ammunition and explosives to take over a small country, he still had enough pocket space to carry it all.
Satisfied with getting yet another gun, Snake turned and walked away... right through the series of laser sensors. Shit! Our hero thought as he and the guards played another game of remedial hide-and-seek.
So join us next time, when we take a look at how rampant stupidity impedes gunfights, why the Shadow Moses electricity bills are so high, and how Snake is not MacGuyver.
Author's Note: MGS4 is going to kick ass.
Nothing more to report.
Well, actually, it seems that most of you would like to see Meryl live. And frankly, I rather like the idea of a joint Meryl/Otacon ending. Thanks for all the feedback.
And... I guess I would like to thank W. Mark Felt, the former FBI informant known as "Deepthroat" for choosing a humorous nickname.