Disclaimer: MGS and all of the characters therein belong to Konami.

SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA... ER, I MEAN HELL...

"Where am I -kssssssssssssh-?" The ghost of Psycho Mantis asked.

"C'mon sunshine, guess." The ghost of Big Boss said, surprised at the sudden emergence of a bondage anorexic in his apartment. Yep, that's right. When he died, Big Boss got an apartment in Hell. He's just that badass.

"Hm... Being insulted by a Sean Connery lookalike that's missing an eye, -ksssssh- giant flaming pentagram on the wall -ksssssssh-, and the fact that I just died. I assume I'm in Hell?".

"Wow, you really are the world's greatest telepath.".

"Fuck you, Old Man. I took bullshit from your son, and now that I'm finally free of Dickwid, I'm being harangued by you. -Angry Kssssssssssh-.".

"First of all, this is Hell. You aren't supposed to have fun here. Do you think I like sitting here, watching my 'sons' stumble around like idiots, tainting my legacy?".

"Yeah, well, frankly, I know my history, and I know how you apparently got your skull bashed in by a fifty year old woman every fifteen minutes -sssssssssssssh-. I'd say Snake's inability to connect the dots, and Liquid's amazingly supervillainous ability to not notice Ocelot's playing him for a fool are just a chip off the old, extremely dumb, block.".

"Yeah. At least I didn't get my ass kicked by Hideo Kojima's desire to destroy suspension of disbelief.".

And so they argued.

MEANWHILE, WHERE WE LAST LEFT OUR HERO...

Faceless Guard 8492 was having a bad day. First, he fell out of bed. Then, he had to listen to Johnny Sasaki whine about his cold, how he was sleepy, how his foot hurt, etc. Then,when he was about to sit down and watch Stargate, he had to attend a meeting called by FG 4 on how to deal with the dreaded threat of Snow Gnomes. Finally, he had to cut his lunch short to deal with a tripped laser sensor in the armory, presumably caused by the deadliest man in history. He cautiously stepped out of the elevator in the Tank Hanger, thinking Jesus, this guy's killed more people than the black plague, and I'm supposed to take him down? Carefully scanning the area in front of him, FG 8492 walked forward slowly. In fact, he was so concerned about getting killed by Snake, he failed to notice the fact that he was about to step on a trapdoor. "All clearrrrrrrrghhhhhhhh!".

"What was that noise?" Faceless Guard 293 said, cautiously edging forward, to the trapdoor's edge. Man, FG 8492 fell down there. Must've sucked for him. That was approximately the part where Snake snuck up behind him and gave him a shove.

"Hey! The intruder!" Faceless Guard Number 111 said, reaching for his FAMAS as he rushed at Snake. Of course, seeing the pattern of guard deaths this chapter, Snake called upon all his experience as a Black Ops Assassin, and took a step to the side, letting FG111 run down the bottomless pit.

And so, after dispatching the rest of the assault team in various trapdoor related ways, Snake traveled back up the elevator, back through the snowfield, through the nuclear warhead storage, past the commander's room, and finally, through the wolf cave. And so, yet another boss fight began...

Sniper Wolf had been standing on the scaffolding outside Communication Tower A for a good 30 minutes waiting for Solid Snake after she shot Meryl. Normally, it would be no problem for a sniper with the ability to not move a muscle for weeks on end, but of course, laying on the cold metal grating for a half hour wearing a shirt only buttoned halfway up wasn't the brightest idea ever. Waiting for Snake, she cursed her bosses. "C'mon Wolf. You're a femme fatale, you're supposed to dress like a cheap floozy." he said. Fucking Ocelot.

Snake entered, and the battle began. There wasn't really much to say, it mainly consisted of Wolf running back and forth like target practice and taking potshots while Snake just sat on the ground taking aim and occasionally ducking for cover. There was no snappy dialogue (By "snappy", I mean "disturbingly freudian"). And Wolf, despite her vaunted shooting ability, managed to not kill a man, lying still in the snow, looking at her through the scope of a rifle. And so, one rather monotonous battle later, Snake had defeated the world's deadliest sharpshooter. And then he realized his princess was in another castle... er, I mean, Meryl was nowhere to be seen. Where she once was, there was only some blood splatters.

"Uh, Campbell, if memory serves me correctly, Meryl should be somewhere around that really big puddle of blood, which she currently isn't...".

"Right... fuck. You really dropped the ball on this one, Snake. I mean, sure, you've been like a curse of death for everyone in your previous missions, but I trusted you completely with my niece. Anyone needs me, I'm going to be going through grief counseling.".

"Counseling? You have a psychologist on the sub?".

"Yes... his name is Doctor Daniels. Doctor Jack Daniels." Campbell said, signing off to get wasted.

"So... what now?" Our hero said.

"Hm... I dunno. I guess it would be safe to say you should go north and enter the tower..." suggested Naomi, before signing off.

"Right... anyhoo, I guess I should get going...".

"No! Wait!" Mei Ling yelled.

"Huh?"

"I have more ominous foreshadowing...".

"What do you mean?".

"I think something bad is about to happen. I really think you should save right now...".

"Right... okay. So you've just had a premonition that something bad will happen. Anything specific?".

"If you mean like me saying 'you're about to get captured and tortured by FOX-HOUND' nope, I have no idea what'll happen.". Yep, between the undead ninja warriors, the terrorist nuclear threat, the fact that the love interest had disappeared, and the fact that the game was only half done, Mei Ling's cryptic warning that something bad might happen was pretty unnecessary.

"Fine, I'll save. What's the quote this time?".

"Don't you get it? This is ominous! Ominous, I tell you! I must leave a period of awkward silence, instead of inane banter...".

"Holy shit, that is strange and ominous...".

"..." Mei Ling said, before ending the transmission.

And so, having been saved his game, Snake pressed on ahead, managing to find more ammo and rations, and a pair of bloody footprints leading down from the scaffolding Wolf had been on. Of course, Snake had no doubts that Wolf wasn't planning on ambushing him in, oh, say, five seconds.

As Snake approached the door to Communications Tower A, a group of Genome Soldiers rushed out of hiding, causing Snake to give up. Where were they hiding? I don't know. How did they remain undetected by Snake's magic radar? I don't know. Why did Snake surrender, instead of, y'know, beating the everlasting fuck out of the guards with ease? I don't know.

"Drop your weapons!" FG 90210 shouted, his FAMAS leveled. Now, we've previously seen Snake walk through ahail of gunfire, get hit by a tank cannon, fist fight a superhuman war machine, and magically heal himself via military rations. One would think he wouldn't acquiesce to a pair of guards, but hey, logic's kind of taking a back seat here. Of course, it took about fifteen minutes for Snake to get rid off all his guns, ammo, and explosives, but still...

And so, Wolf sauntered up between the guards, he PSG-1 aimed straight at Snake's heart. "Eet's a little hard to miss at zis range..." She said. "Vomen make better soldier zen men. I am Sniper Volf! I alvayz kill vhat I aim at!". Of course, as we previously established, Snake was perhaps the most inattentive man on the planet. When she realized that Snake wasn't paying attention, she followed his focused gaze down to her rather sizeable chest. "My face ees up here...".

"And strangely, I don't really give a damn.".

Of course, a normal woman would've been offended by Snake's focus on her rack, but Wolf managed to try and out-innuendo Ocelot's silver bullet speech. "You... are my special target... until I kill you... I will zink of no one else...".

"I don't know whether to be terrified or delighted.".

Of course, the FGs were jealous. They never got to do any long-winded speeches about love and warfare and other bullshit. So FG 711 smashed Snake in the face with his assault rifle.

When Snake awoke, he was unable to move and staring at a rather expensive looking light fixture. Let's recap... Crazy Lady with insanely overdone accent and ridiculous proportions knocks me out and drags me here... to stare at a light fixture... without a shirt on... My God, the humanity...

"Don't kill him yet..." Our now familiar evil British Voice (TM) said.

"Right-o boss. Just leave everything to me. Good ol' reliable Ocelot.".

"He's my target... mine alone..." Wolf said.

"Christ, why don't the two of you get a room?" Ocelot said.

"Alright, shut up." Liquid sighed. "I have a evil villainous monologue to say. Can you hear me, Solid Snake? Do you know who I am? You stole everything from me! You took my birthright. I fucking hate you and you deserve to die, despite the fact that you're ignorant to everything I'm ranting about! And finally, after thirty long years, the two of us meet... the brother of light... and the brother... of dark...". Snake tuned it out after the word's 'Can you hear me'.

Shaking his head, Ocelot said "Jesus Christ, what's with all the drama? Anyways, shall we continue to talk about our plans to our possibly not unconscious prisoner?".

"Sure. We need Big Boss's DNA to cure the Genome Soldier's mutations and whatnot.".

"And Vashington hasn't given in to our demands... Damn politicians!" Wolf yelled.

"Right... anyways, I think he's awake.".

And so, the evil, metallic, hexagonal... thingamajig Snake was strapped to revolved around, so that Snake was facing the villains. And he came face to face with his identical twin, who still had long blonde hair. And he was wearing a trenchcoat.

"There definitely is a resemblance, eh little brother? Or is it big brother? Ah well, brother, we're the last remaining 'Sons of Big Boss'.". And thusly, Liquid's cell phone rang. Now, you and I have every right to get pissed off at someone who uses their cell phone during a movie or something. But imagine hearing a monotonous evil speech that apparently is just the words 'brother', 'boss', and 'big', strung together in a random order, and then the villain stops to yak it up on their cell phone during the speech. Stupid yuppie supervillains.

"What? Uh-huh? Those IDIOTS! I'll be right over, Raven." Liquid said over his phone. Then he announced to his cohorts, (and to Snake)"The White House just called. They said, instead of getting Big Boss's remains, we could all do something anatomically unlikely to ourselves.".

"Damn Americans!" Wolf yelled.

"So, we're going to launch that nuke?" Ocelot said, messing with his revolver.

"Yep. Anyways, I've got to go" Liquid said. "And Ocelot, I know this probably is giving too big of a clue out, but don't screw up like you did with the DARPA chief.".

"Hey, it was an accident... wait... er... I mean, yes, the DARPA chief told us everything he knew. He definitely didn't die during my interrogation.".

"Oh, and the ninja's killed a fuckload of men. Keep an eye out.".

"The bastard sliced off my hand! I don't need to be told that he's dangerous.".

"And don't forget to feed my goldfish.".

"Sir... just fucking leave already!". With a pouty look, Liquid exited the torture room.

And so, Wolf decided to be extra creepy, just in case Snake didn't get it before he got beaten with a rifle. So, she got up within Snake's personal space. "You're voman ees still alive... for now... And remember... special target.". With that, she turned and left. Of course, Snake and Ocelot took the time to stare at her ass.

Once she was gone, Ocelot spoke again. "Yep... once Wolf picks a target, she won't think of anything else until that target's dead.".

"Uh, yeah. I kinda got that speech earlier.".

"Oh, sorry.".

"By the way, which one of you took my shirt off? Please tell me that it was Wolf".

"Uh... hehe... I don't know..." Ocelot giggled. That line, and the memory of the silver bullet speech, made Snake shudder yet again.

BACK IN HELL...

"-Kssssssh- That's seven shades of creepy, right there.".

"Damn Ocelot. I knew he hung out with Raikov waaaaaaay too much when he was a kid.".

"Yeah, that Ocelot is one weird guy alright.". Came a new voice.

"Octopus! Why are you here? -kssssssssssssh-?".

"Villain. Dead. Hell. Same as you guys.".

"Yeah, but me and Mantis don't suck." With that, Big Boss tossed Decoy Octopus out of his apartment.

BACK AT SHADOW MOSES...

Snake had to ask "Anyways, where is my shirt right now?".

"In that box, containing all the ammo and supplies you took from the NSGF. Yep, we piled it all right here.".

"So... what do we do now?".

"Just a simple, mindnumbingly annoying minigame.".

"Chocobo racing?" Our hero said excitedly.

"Uh... no, I plan on giving you horribly painful electric shocks, repeatedly. Press the circle button repeatedly to regain your strength. If at any times you want the torture to end, press select. However, if you do, I'll kill the woman in return.".

"Okay... so I take it my extesive FFVII playing isn't going to help me?".

"Nope.".

"Ah. Damn.".

"Anyways, remember how there are three card keys? You had one. Where are the other two?".

"I don't know.".

"Baker said there's a trick to using them. What is it?".

"Refer to my above answer. Anyways, why the hell do you want to know about the card keys? I mean, if you just destroyed the one you're carrying, I'd never be able to stop the launch. You don't need to know anything else about them. Hell, you're curiosity is rather suspicious...".

"Suspicious? You don't trust me? Ocelot? I'm the trustworthiest person ever! I was just asking because I need at least some pretence to 'interrogate' you.".

"Uh, right... Anyways, isn't theusing an amazingly illegal interrogation method and threatening the life ofa helpless woman who doesn't know anything on someone who is clueless just torture?".

"Er, I, uh, KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!".

And so, Ocelot pushed the big red button, and... nothing happend.

"Huh? Why isn't this damn thing working?" Said the fried chicken vendor... er... Russian Cowboy.

"I dunno... maybe you should just forget the whole 'torture me until I give up, then murder my girlfriend' thing.".

Ocelot paced, considering the proposal. "I think not. However, this sucks. I'll have to call maintenence, and they make me feel like an idiot.".

And so, the NSGF maintenance staff answered the call. Random Engineer 1 asked Ocelot "What's the problem this time? Did you lock yourself out of the bathroom, again?".

"No, my stupid torture machine isn't working.".

"Aw, C'mon Ocy, I told you, stop using that damn thing. It causes our electric bill to skyrocket.".

"So?".

"Then I have the administrators on my ass about slashing the budget and laying people off. Christ, can't you just tear his fingernails out with pliers or lock him in a room with a starving wolf or something?".

"First, I have to fill out twelve forms in triplicate to borrow tools. And then, Sniper Wolf is like one of those crazy old cat ladies, but she's hot and has wolves instead of cats, and she wouldn't let me borrow them.".

"Okay, let's see here." Random Engineer 1 said, walking around the machine and console, looking for the problem. He soon spotted it. "Ocelot, I think you've just set a new record for doing stupid things...".

"Yeah? What is it?".

"You forgot to plug the fucking machine in.".

"Uh, thanks..." Ocelot said, growing redder by the second.

"Christ. How exactly do you manage to put forth the mental effort to chew your food?". Suddenly, RG1's pager beeped, and looking down, he sighed. "Aw man, it's coming from B2 of the Nuke Storage building. Christ, I hope they don't plan on me cleaning up that mess.". As he exited, RE1 turned towards Ocelot and announced, sarcastically "You're welcome.".

"Fuck you!" Ocelot said, whipping around dramatically.

"How do you manage to chew your food?" Snake asked, grinning. Ocelot responded by pressing the afformentioned big red button.-click-

"OhmyGodthisburnsowowowowow!".

With another -click- as he turned the current off, Ocelot sneered, "Had enough yet?".

"Heh. I didn't feel a thing.".

"Good, we're only getting started.".

"NO! WAIT! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!".-click-

"So, are you ready to give up now?".

"Nev-click- aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggh!".-click-

"How about now?".

"C'mon man, you call this torture? Hearing a long, unnecessary speech would be tort -click-arrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggh!".

-click-

"Well, I guess now would be a good time to talk about why I'm here." Ocelot announced.

"Wait, a speech revealing you motivations? Shouldn't you wait until I fatally wound you?" Snake asked. He really didn't want another speech.

"Trust me, I know things. That's never gonna happen. Anyways, on with the speech.".

"Wait, forget I said anything. I like speeches. Speeches are good. They aren't torture." Said a very fearful Snake.

"Sorry, but I read ahead in the script, and if I don't give the speech here, I won't get the chance. Anyhoo, I joined this rebellion because I like Russia. And it's poor now. But if they had an amazingly deadly mech on their side, they'd be a lot better off." Ocelot said, dramatically turning to Snake...

"Zzzzzzzzzz...".

"I hate you." Ocelot said as he shook his head.

From the doorway of the torture room, Random Engineer 1 yelled "Ocelot! You fucking asshole! You blew out the damn fusebox!".

BANG!

"And I accidentally shot you in the face." Ocelot said, shrugging.

BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!

"Six times.".

"Wha? Did I miss something?" Snake said, waking up.

"Uh,well, I, er,the maintenance guy went insane and I had to kill him in self defense. You're a witness. You saw it, self defense, temporary insanity, to much violence in mainstream culture, if the glove don't fit, you must acquit.".

"Okay...".

"And apparently I can't torture you anymore, so, er, I guess I'll have to toss you in a jail cell.".

"With an inept guard?" Snake asked. Of course, the question was quite unnecessary, as Shadow Moses had nothing but inept guards. And inept supervillains. And inept heroes. And snow, which, if it could think, would likely be inept.

"Johnny Sasaki. Nope, before you ask, it doesn't matter that he's physically ill, he recently let your girlfriend out of her jail cell, and he makes you look like Stephen Hawking. Don't be suspicious at all. We certainly don't want you to escape.".

"Okay, but the guard is Johnny Sasaki, right?".

"Yep".

"AWESOME!" . A usual NSGF trooper could've been fooled by a five year old, but Johnny Sasaki, he pioneers new levels of idiocy.

So, will our hero escape? Will he stop the launch? Will Mantis and Big Boss ever let Octopus watch what's going on? Don't miss the next exciting update.

Author's note: I am terribly sorry for the longer-than-usual wait between updates. I'd like to attribute this to an evil outside source, but realistically, the only reason it didn't come earlier was because I am extraodinarily lazy. I had this chapter on my computer, half-complete, since mid-July.

In other news, next update will be another intermission. After mulling over my options, I've decided to showcase what would happen if certain villains attended support groups. If I manage to not get sidetracked again, I'll see if I can get his done by the end of September.

And finally, my prayers go out to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. I know prayers can't get you food, or water, or a government that knows it's own left foot from a mine detector, but I can't really do anything except donate what I can spare and say I'm sorry.

-DarkGidora