Disclaimer: I do not own Metal Gear, nor am I a licensed psychotherapist.
"Like bloody Hell I'll agree with that." Liquid Snake said, leering at the man across the table from him. As the commanding officer of FOX-HOUND, Liquid had a lot of shit to put up with. Between keeping Ocelot from attempting to murder half of the government personnel who routinely went through the base, to stopping Psycho Mantis from erasing an entire shopping mall from existence when he found out the movie store had run out of copies of Old Yeller, to trying to figure out how to place a hidden camera in Sniper Wolf's shower stall, he was quite busy.
Despite all that, there was one duty that raised his ire above all else; dealing with bureaucracy. If Raven threw his back carrying all that ammo, who had to fill out twenty forms in triplicate? Liquid.
When Octopus went AWOL and was discovered leeching the blood of a young Hollywood actor in order to get as much tail as possible, who had to explain to high command? Liquid.
When Wolf discovered the hidden camera, who was brought up on sexual harassment charges? Liquid.
And so there Liquid was, sitting at his desk, listening to some weasely pencil pusher asking him to mess around with a proven formula; crazy fuckers killing stuff.
"Well yes, Mr. Snake, I can understand how someone in your position would be opposed to what I am suggesting, however, the Secretary of Defense is determined to improve the image of the army, and if that means inconveniencing FOX-HOUND members, so be it.".
Sighing, Liquid acquiesced. He might've been a nigh impervious badass, but arguing with a mindless federal office drone was something beyond his power. "Fine, what changes do you have in mind, Mr. Hamilton?".
"Well, first of all, the higher ups want to set up a dress code, similar to every other military unit under the command of the United States.".
"What's wrong with the way we dress?".
"Um, first of all, I doubt showing up at a pentagon briefing wearing bondage gear is appropriate.".
"Heh, Mantis is a card, isn't he?".
"Uh… not, we don't think he is. The gasmask and leather have to go. Also, Raven has to start wearing a shirt.".
"Why?".
"The military generally requires people to wear uniforms, instead of just a pair of jeans. Speaking of which, the general consensus at the pentagon is that you should at least button your trench coat up a bit.".
"What? Why does anyone care what we dress like?"
"Um, remember the time we had you rescue the president of Latveria when he got stuck in a tree last week?".
"Yeah, what about it?".
"Did you read the newspaper the following day?".
"Nah, they lie. I stopped reading after that whole 'Bigfoot marries the Lock Ness Monster' thing.".
"Uh, where did you read this?".
"A newspaper called 'The National Enquirer'.".
"You do know that all their stories are fake, right?".
"Yeah, everyone knows that Bigfoot is gay.".
"Eh… wow. Anyways, the headline of the Times was this..." Hamilton said, raising a issue of the NY Times with a big picture of a half naked tatooedInuit shaman helping a half naked blond guy in a trench coat lift a man in a gasmask and leather to the second branch of a tree, where a guy in a green cape and iron mask was sitting, curled in a fetal position.
"'Gay pride parade rescues Doctor Doom from tree'? I told you papers lie! Bloody fucking FOX-HOUND saved the diabolical supervillain!" Liquid said, furrowing his brow.
"Yes, well, apparently the New York times mistook you for a gay pride parade.".
"What? Jesus, we hired Wolf! How can anyone mistake us for gay then!".
"Apparently, she was too stoned on diazepam and fell asleep before the picture was taken, which brings me to my next point. Wolf goes on rehab. Now.".
"And what next?" Liquid seethed. The whole buttoning up his trench coat issue was something he was really sensitive about.
"Ocelot has to take anger management.".
"And now why's that?". Then Liquid realized he was talking about Revolver Fucking Ocelot, master of plotting against you if you insult his taste in movies, or clothing, or guns, or women, or alcohol, or torture methods, or plans to hijack nuclear weapons, or practically anything else, he said "Maybe the bastard could use it.".
"Glad to see we agree with something. Next, you need to see a competent psychologist, and get your family issues sorted out.".
"What issues?".
"The time you got drunk in public and ranted about how you had the inferior genes that caused you to be a weak loser even though you can survive falling from any height and huge explosions. And the problems you have with your father.".
"God dammit. Got any other crazy ideas?".
"Mantis needs to go to an eating disorder support group. An anorexic on the front lines is just wrong.".
"Yeah. Fucking psychologists. When did you say you wanted us to begin?".
"As soon as possible, preferably by the end of the week.".
MEANWHILE, IN THE APARTMENT OF NAOMI HUNTER…
"C'mon Frankie, I think you need to get your issues sorted out.".
"Naomi, I'm fine. I don't have any issues.".
"Really?" Naomi said to her adoptive brother sarcastically. "I think there are a few things pointing to the opposite. One, you died and came back, which is generally unnatural. Two, you brutally murdered my boss, a bunch of guards, and practically anything else that gets in your way during one of your episodes. Three, there hasn't been a night this week when the kitchen floor isn't covered in dead salmon, come to think of it, where do you get all the salmon? You can't go in water. And four, you seem distant and mysterious all the time when you talk to me…".
"I didn't kill anyone! You can't blame me!".
"Huh? Last time I checked, you killed dozens if not hundreds of people over your life.".
"Eh-heh-heh. Yeah. I'm certainly not hiding anything from you.". Just to note, where the hell else did you think Naomi's weird, 'reveals too much' tendency from?
"Right. Anyways, I looked through the phonebook, and I think I found a support group full of people like you. I think you might even make a few friends.".
Obviously, when has that line ever brought anything good? It's like 'I'll be right back' or 'I didn't know it was illegal, officer. Honest'.
BACK AT FOX-HOUND HQ, 3 WEEKS LATER…
It had been three weeks since that fateful, meeting, and Liquid still wanted to bludgeon Hamilton to death with a small child or animal. Sure, leading a mercenary force comprised entirely of crazy people had already drained away much of his will to live, but now, it went from 'I don't care about my personal safety or that of those around me' to 'Dear lord Jesus, please come down and smite me'.
For one thing, while Wolf was trying to kick her addiction to tranquilizers, she had switched to caffeine. It's one thing to have an eerily detached, unpredictable, femme fatale on the team. It's another thing to have a hyperactive, barely coherent one.
"HiLiquidhowyadoing!".
"Er, Wolf, we need to talk.".
"VhatisitLiquid? Doyouvantsomecoffie?".
"Erm, no. It's just that, I noticed a sudden sharp decline in your marksmanship shortly after you entered rehab.".
"VhatdoyoumeanLiquid?".
"First, you couldn't stand there for five minutes without pulling the trigger, then, you missed the target by a good five feet, and accidentally hit Ocelot, who was sneaking up on him.".
"YeahvellOcelotisactingcreepy.". Liquid sighed. Reasoning with her barely did any good when she was stoned. Now that she was chipper, he felt like he was talking to a squirrel.
"Yes, I know. Since he entered anger management, he hasn't been the same old Russian backstabber.". And that was true.
FIVE HOURS EARLIER…
"Liquid, listen. For the program, I have to get forgiveness for the people in my life who I have wronged. So please, forgive me.".
"Okay, I forgive you for the time you ratted us out to the Russian Mafia. And the time you left me for dead at the bottom of a cliff in Afghanistan. And the time you glued my favorite coffee mug to my desk. And the time you gave me directions to a bar, which turned out to be a gay bar. You're forgiven.".
"Uh, boss, you're forgetting a few things.".
"Such as…".
"Remember the time a grizzly bear was in your office and you were nearly torn in half?".
"You did that? Why the Hell did you put a grizzly bear in my office!".
"Uh, well, it's a long story…".
"Eh, fuck it, it's in the past. And I managed to kill the thing and use it's skull as a paperweight. I think we can all share a good laugh on it now.".
"Oh, and there's the time I told the boys at the pentagon about your hidden camera.".
"The one in Wolf's shower?" Liquid said. Ocelot didn't notice the 'I'm going to bludgeon you to death with this grizzly bear skull' tone in Liquid's voice.
"Yep. Hey, w-what's with the skull?".
Back To Liquid and Wolf…
"Youweretheonewiththehiddencamera!".
"Uh, yeah, why?".
-boot to the groin!-
And so, Liquid just laid on the ground, groaning for the next half hour, regretting his accursed lack of discretion.
"OUT OF MY MIND!" Mantis shrieked. As he staggered past Liquid's office, clutching the sides of his head, Liquid couldn't help but be disgusted. Yeah, Mantis wasn't exactly pleasing to look at before he started conforming to military specifications, but can you imagine a portly man with a face that looks like he got to close to a wood chipper, screaming in agony? Yeah, me neither.
"What is it now!".
"W-without my mask I can't stop the thoughts! They just keep coming! STOP!".
Well, sucks to be Mantis, I suppose. Eh well, at least they made him wear clothes now that he's chubby. Man, it would suck so bad if he was wearing that leather thing. That's precisely when Liquid realized the whole 'reading thoughts involuntarily' thing.
"Fat, am I!"
-KABOOM!-
Yep, Liquid was having a pretty bad day.
MEANWHILE, at the Manhattan Hyatt…
"Okay, this meeting of the 'Crazy resurrected killers with super powers' support group is called to order." One smug guy in a trench coat monotoned.
Gray Fox looked to both of his sides. There were precisely, two people there, including himself and the speaker. He considered leaving, but, hell, he had one important question he had to ask. "Um, why the hell are you calling yourself a killer.".
"I've killed many people over my lifetime. Five today… or maybe six?" He said, grinning slightly. Fox really didn't care about the veiled threat.
"But wait, I thought you advocated peace.".
"Who the hell do you think I am?".
Gray Fox stared forward, then answered nonchalantly "Aren't you Jesus?".
"No… my name is Vamp.".
"Ah. So you can't turn water into booze?".
"No.".
"Then I'm bookin'. See ya.".
"Why the Hell did you come here?".
"My sister threatened to kick me out on the street if I didn't attend. She also said there'd be booze.".
"Hah! When I was a kid, I drank the blood of my entire family, sisters included!".
"Right-oh. Anyways, I'm leaving." Fox said, then stopped as he was getting up. Obviously, Vamp and Fox are both amazingly destructive, superfast assassins. Now, think. If you put two Siamese fighting fish in the same bowl, they'll kill each other.
That rule also apparently applies to undead, matrixesque, murderers.
And so, hunting knives versus katana, the battle raged. Slash, thrust, parry. No quarter was given by either side as the two terrors attempted to finish the other off.
Basically, the fight was bitchin' awesome.
MEANWHILE, On the other side of the Hotel…
"And then, my boss chased me around the office, trying to kill me with a grizzly bear skull-sniff!-…" Ocelot weeped in front of his anger management group.
"That man really does have some issues. Let's all applaud Ocelot's bravery.".
Of course, this intermission needs some wrapping up, so as the next speaker went up to the podium…
-CRASH!-
…A Romanian knifethrower was thrown through the wall.
"Is that all you have got?" he said, wiping the blood away from his lower lip.
"Bite me, Count Queerbait!".
"Oh, come on now, I'm sure we can all settle this like reasonable-snkit!- Oh Jesus, my arm! My arm!".
Ocelot stood, frozen, while his eyes, registered the violence before him. "Can't we all just get along?". That was precisely when the severed limb of an anger management instructor hit him in the face. Something that had been recently disconnected had clicked again in Ocelot's head. "Fuck it, I'm back.".
Of course, Ocelot knew when he was outclassed, so he snuck out the back of the room…
Fox was staggered by a kick to his solar plexus. Vamp drew his knives and rushed in for the kill. Fox barely sidestepped, the knives slicing the air his neck had occupied milliseconds ago.
Vamp spun around, connecting with a knife to Fox's faceplate, but Fox had recovered, and drew his sword back…
-sskkkkk-
Vamp now had to deal with a three foot long katana lodged in his upper torso. Of course, he was a tough bastard and all, so he continued swinging at the cyborg, though he had dropped his knives when he got impaled.
So, both villains had one hand around the other's throat, using their free hands to punch. Even so, neither could claim the advantage…
So when a rampaging semi truck smashed down the wall and burst into flames, both were caught off guard.
BOOM!
"-kaff- What… what was that?" Fox demanded, rising to his feet. His armor had protected him from the explosion, but it was scorched and barely functional.
"I don't know. But we'll meet again, Mr. Jaeger. We'll meet again." Vamp said, picking his charred self off the ground. Not being metal, the inferno had caused him more damage, so he decided to run until he healed up. He turned and began to run up a wall.
"Dude, I wouldn't do that. I think the explosion damaged the foundation…"
-SMASH!-
"Well, I guess since your covered in rubble, I'm the winner. Awesome. Now, I'm gonna go home and bleed a little. Or a lot.".
And so, as Fox sheathed his katana, and began the long walk home, he had to wonder… who the Hell was driving that truck?
Strolling up to the wreckage, Ocelot smiled. "Two assholes with one conflagration, not bad…". Whistling the theme to the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, he pondered if his health care plan would cover injuries sustained from jumping out of a stolen semi.
-Epilogue-
"Mr. Snake, you have abandoned all of the changes we advised after only three weeks. Not only that, but Revolver Ocelot stole a semi truck and killed fifty civilians." Mr. Hamilton said, leaning over the table.
"Yeah, but that was stopped a crazy immortal knifethrower and a cyborg ninja, so I call it breaking even.".
"Yes, but…".
"Also, Wolf's sharpshooting is back to being badass, Mantis no longer runs off and reveals my innermost secrets on the FOX-HOUND bulletin board, and I no longer have to ponder where to find a store that sells shirts big enough for Raven.".
"But the oversight committee will most definitely…".
"Screw them. If they want to throw down with our image, I have the perfect counter.".
"What is that?".
"Octopus, would you care to explain?". Hamilton wheeled around, looking at where Liquid gazed. Before he could question the Les Efante Terible's sanity, the stuffed corpse of a grizzly bear ambled up to the desk, sat down, and removed it's head, revealing a guy without a nose or ears.
"Sure boss. Well, after it became apparent that the new FOX-HOUND wasn't working, Liquid had me disguise myself as secretaries, security staffers, aides, and hookers, basically everyone that gets in close to the boys in Washington. It's amazing some of the dirt you can find out on those freaks. Hell, just yesterday, I learned this about Former President George W. Bush…" Octopus leaned in close to Hamilton and whispered.
His face white with terror, his eyes wide, Hamilton stood up, nodded to Liquid, and stammered "W-we have nothing m-more to di-discuss. I-I am con-confident in your decisions about FOX-HOUND, and wish you the best of luck. Good day to you sir.".
As he left, Liquid leaned forward and asked "What did Bush do?".
"Honestly sir, I can't tell you for fear it'll get us kicked off But I can say that whatever it was, Ted Kennedy did it at least twice during the seventies.".
Liquid shrugged, knowing that there were some secrets that he didn't want to know. Ah, at least this is all settled. Now, I can finally get back to tracking down Solid Snake and making him pay for stealing my birthright. And pay he shall. It will not be quick, nor pleasant. His lamentations will be my symphony, his…
That's when his phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Really?"
"Damn.".
As Liquid hung up the receiver, Octopus had to ask "What's going on, boss?".
"A tiger is loose in the Men's room, Mantis just challenged Ocelot to a rousing game of 'destroy everything in sight', and the store I buy my hidden cameras from just went out of business.". Then, remembering the past month, he shrugged. "Other than that, it's a wonderful life.".
Author's note: Yep, second intermission down. Anyways, I'd like to say expect another update soon, but we all know how that ends up. I've got an RE3 fanfic I've been neglecting, and school is taking it's toll. But I'll try to get another chapter up before Thanksgiving.